A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I started talking to this guy a month ago, he is the type that acts like a player but he really doesn't get too many girls. We go to college together in California and after we began talking about 4 days later we had sex, I know that was a no no. But things really clicked with us, I felt comfortable and he was my first. Since living in the dorms we spent the night at each others dorms, not always having sex. I confronted him in the beginning if he ever wanted a girlfriend, and he said he doesn't know. I was the same way..its college.But from the very start he was never serious, that was his personality. But now things have stayed the same for a month, we've never been on an actual date..the town kinda sucks for activities. And when I try to have a serious conversation he changes the topic saying he doesn't do serious....so basically were f buddies I thought, but then he said if I started doing anything with other guys, he wouldn't do anything with me. He hasn't done anything with other girls though either, positive. So I have found myself head over heels for a guy that trys to act like he doesn't care about anything. Until yesterday I never once got mad at him, but for once I stood my ground and confronted him about never taking me on a date and acting like he didn't care. I know what you're going to say...He is using you get out while you can...you can do better. I know I know. But I am asking for someone to give me some ideas on how to get the dumb ass to pay more attention. I always make the first move, I have stopped that. And I like the thrill of the chase, so it will be interesting if I can get him to realize what he has, before I leave..and trust me that day is coming.Oh and his buddy told me, that he thinks I am annoying when I bring up dating and things, and how I am in love with him...I dont under stand this because..I have been pretty laid back and chill until yesterday and this was said before then. Help me, please no negative things, I know he is using me, but there is always a possibility of things working out, what should I do? And don't say move on, I know! And he has done this to 3 girls in the past.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 January 2013):
 He's dumb like a fox.
You can't make him change.
I won't tell you to leave him.... but I will tell you how my now husband who started out as my FWB ended up as my husband... because we talked about this after we realized we were serious...
we were LDR
I was married (not cheating in an open marriage)
I liked him and offered him NSA/FWB he readily agreed.
I was cool. I truly DID NOT CARE if he was using me or if he loved me or wanted more. I liked going to see him every couple of weeks and spend the night out of town and watch movies, go out to dinner, and probably have sex. Sometimes early on before he fell for me, we'd go 7-10 days with no contact. Texting did not exist for us and phone calls were minimal the first few months... we did email, sometimes frequently (I think our record was 225 emails in one day once)
I was married and wanted him as my secondary partner... he had no primary so we were working to try to find him a primary partner. I knew he was falling for me when he said "well when we find someone she has to accept that you are part of my life" UMMM, not that doesn't work... once you meet someone you love you won't care about me....
I once asked him about how we ended up this way with it supposedly being fun and games... and his response was very telling... "if you had WANTED IT, it probably would NOT have happened. THE FACT THAT YOU DID NOT CARE made it easy for me to care"
basically what you need to do is TRULY NOT care. And you can't. YOU do care. That's why this will NOT work.
YOU can't fake not caring in this manner. MEN will pick up on it.
I totally don't know how to tell you not to care. I've never figured it out... but it's usually what happens...those we want don't want us. those that want us we are not interested in.... a total paradox.
then when we both care, it's called love....
So my best advice is to stop caring about him. You can't fake it either so that it would probably be best for you to walk away from him totally and live your life....
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (11 January 2013):
If you are a good looking girl and you are chasing a man then you are doing everything wrong. The one who has to do the chasing is him and you do this by just being yourself and staying pretty. In fact you need to tell him what to do or what not to do else you should not be giving him any attention or sex. It's pretty simple and guys liek the one you are involved with, is also pretty simple minded.
Quite frankly you are wasting your time on someone like him because people like this hardly ever change and when they do, many many years pass before they even realize. I consider myself to be open minded and a great listener but even then I find it hard to change. It is just something hard wired in us. But I've come to realize that we define who we want to be based on our simple daily choices.
In the end, even if you gain some power over this guy you will hate yourself even more. So my advice would be to not waste your time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 January 2013):
 He has done this with 3 girls in the past, so you KNOW this is his MO (so to speak) and yet you still think you can "change" him?
I think you are either fooling yourself because you really dig him or you are a little naive when it comes to guys.
Dumb is NOT going to pay more attention. If you start ignoring him and STOP sleeping with him, he will eventually find someone else to "poke" and most likely treat her the same way.
Honestly though, I don't think he is being dumb. He just don't want to date and is SMART enough to bet on you to hang on even if he has TOLD you he doesn't want to date, and guess what? YOU are.
You are in lack of a better term... exclusive F-buddies. Doesn't mean it will STAY that way.
YOU want more, so why are you settling for that?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2013): In my opinion I think that you should leave it up to his roomate. He's your ex for a reason. And he has no business in your affairs. But since it would effect your new beau and your Ex's friendship, it's better coming from him. I've had this happen to me, but it was my best friend's (who was a male, and was in love with me) childhood friend. Also, I'm sorry for your lost, that must be very hard for you. But you don't deserve someone who pushes you away. But if your new beau has these feelings for you, embrace them and don't let anyone interven. It's between you and him, not your ex bf. Hope that helps. Good luck!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2013): I just got out of a relationship with someone like this. Guys don't change for anyone unless THEY want to. I know there's something thrilling about it but you deserve a relationship where you're treated with respect. I've spent the past month hoping my ex realizes I was the best he'll ever have etc. but now I don't really care. You have to get to the point where you don't care what he thinks (easier said than done I know). A relationship takes 2 people to work-you're the only one working AND he said he doesn't want a relationship. I'm sorry, but this isn't gonna work out unless you want to lose all your dignity and self esteem. You're not annoying for asking him about relationship stuff- that's just natural. I
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (10 January 2013):
 OP, you know the answer to this, you've written it several times in your post. He's using you, he's done this to other girls, he's completely non committal.
I'm not saying this to be negative or critical, but to try and get you to think about this: why are you setting yourself up to get used and rejected? I think you're a clever woman, so why chase after this guy when all the odds are stacked against you (and any other woman)?
If you are just trying to play a player, you'll have to have very tough skin. If you're really trying to win him over because you actually like him (i.e. it's not just an ego thing) I don't have any practical advise except to prepare for the worst, which is getting hurt and feeling even more used. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (10 January 2013):
 You're hoping that we know some magic trick or secret that you don't, but we can't make a dumbass realize his dumbassery. There is nothing you could do or say. In fact leaving him and never giving him another chance IS the best way to make him realize what he had. You can't make someone change, there is no secret formula. The only thing you can do is leave him and try to find someone you are better suited with.
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