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I need advice on making my marriage better. Should I feel guilty about the flirtation I had on a weekend away?

Tagged as: Age differences, Cheating, Faded love, Health, Marriage problems, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 January 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 11 January 2017)
A male United Kingdom age 41-50, *ouncers Dream writes:

I need some advice on making my relationship better.

I'm married and have been for 13 years, the first thing I want to say is I love my wife.

I am in my mid 40's whilst my wife is 7 years older than me, up until last year I was fairly overweight but I've done something about it amd have taken up running and lost over 3 stone (42 pounds) in the last year and toned my body up I feel very good about myself these days. My wife was also over weight but she hasn't done anything about it. Over the time of our relationship our sex life has dismissed to the extent that we only had sex twice in the last year. If I'm honest this is partly due to the fact that I don't really find my wife attractive any more.

I recently had a weekend away with some male friends one who is single we ended up in a bar and got chatting with a group of younger women. One was hitting on my friend and one was really hitting on me, I told her I was married but this didn't stop her from trying to kiss me rubbing herself against me. I did not reciprocate and did not do anything that considered cheating. I have told my wife.

My issue is I was very tempted as she was very attractive and I felt very flattered by her attention it's been a while since anything like that happened. I feel very guilty about this. Should I feel guilty and what should I do about it.

View related questions: flirt, overweight, sex life

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2017):

Yes, OP. The young woman who flirted with you was your WAKE UP CALL!

May I also suggest you go back to your doctor and revisit your meds? Side effects are common but is there another medicine you can take that would not affect your orgasms? You are your own advocate. You do not have to succumb. There are always other options and alternatives. Explore them. Sex is important in a marriage. And if something is delaying your orgasms, is that not good enough reason to find another medication? Again, talk to your doctor about all this. Tell him or her about your side effects. He or she may be able to suggest another medication.

And you CAN get your confidence back! BOTH of you!

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A male reader, Bouncers Dream United Kingdom +, writes (10 January 2017):

Bouncers Dream is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Once again thank you for your responses they have been very thought provoking.

You ask about our lifestyle both my wife and I work and we have a teenage daughter. We eat fairly well and I do much of the cooking from scratch my wife's (and mine) were more down to lack of exercise.

The advice regarding how to resurrect our sex life is helpful.

One of the reasons it has reduced is due to medication I have been taking which means I have had difficulty reaching orgasm which I found very frustrating and has made me scarred of sex because I can't perform properly.

Your advice on building up.slowly is thought provoking.

I will be sitting g down with my wife in the coming days to discuss what has happened in our relationship and how we can get back on track, who knows the young lady who flirted with me might well have done us a favour

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2017):

The fact you are acknowledging what happened and are wrestling with feelings of guilt tells me you are good man and a good husband. So, pat yourself on the back for that. A lot of men in your position would have succumbed to the young woman. So, I applaud your strength of character. And good for you for losing the weight. It does wonders for one's self esteem as does a member of the opposite sex taking notice as so happened in your situation.

Now, what is important here is that you were flattered, as many men would be, but realized that there is an issue at hand. And it seems to me you are trying to work on it. That is a good step forward. And it does show me you care about your marriage and your wife.

I am glad you told your wife. That was a very important step. Honesty and transparency. Both ascertain trust in a relationship.

I do think her joking to you that the girl must have been very drunk was not an insult at all. I think that deep down inside, despite your wife reacting quite amicably to the news, is hurt. I think she is likely trying to minimize the impact of what happened by playing it down, by going to the extreme with her comment. Do you see what I mean? By convincing herself of something like this, she would feel safer. She hates to know that another woman - who by the way is younger and attractive - found you attractive and is threatened by this. Not only because of your weight loss but because of her own inability to lose weight. She is most likely feeling insecure and not very good about herself. So, please do not feel like she is an adversary here. She is just hurt because she loves you and would not want to lose you. Ok? I believe you need to give her some TLC too and understand her position.

Sex is like a bike. If you haven't been riding it for awhile, you forget about how good it can actually feel. So, the object is to get back on and start riding again. You will ask yourself why you ever stopped because it is so much fun. And you will find your rhythm very quickly once again. And sex is one of the best parts of marriage and the reason many marriages crumble. Far too many people place too much emphasis on everything else. And fall into a routine and start to take one another for granted. The sex stops. The fireworks die. Somebody outside the marriage starts to give much needed approval and attention to the lonely spouse that they are missing in their marriage partner. And boom, an affair happens.

Affair proof your marriage. You have the power to do that. And it seems to me you are one of the few who actually WANTS to do that.

You need to begin by having fun again together. Just getting away from life and escaping somewhere all by yourselves. You need to share laughter and smiles and basically reconnect to each other. Sometimes we lose the connection. But you can find it again. And once you have that connection back, you can begin building intimacy. You need to hold hands, kiss each other, do little things for each other during the day which shows you care.... Little building blocks which will lead to the sexual experience. Once that connection is re-established. Yes, it takes work but your marriage is worth it. So many people think the answer lies in a new person or new experience but it does not. That is not an answer. It is fleeting and empty. If you are lucky enough to find the person you love and spend the rest of your life with, this is irreplaceable. And you need to keep nurturing it. We are in a disposable generation. Throw it away without fixing it. Well, marriages are worth fixing if you find that one person who makes you happy. There is so much to say about compatibility and friendship. Nowadays, finding a suitable partner is a tall order. Nobody is faithful. People are scrambling on dating sites. Nobody is honest. Everybody is a player. They only want sex and dump you when it's over. Who wants that? Having a committed life partner whom you can share all the fun things with is where it's at.

I suggest you both start working out together. Take dance lessons together. Do things to reconnect. Dance will help improve your self esteem dramatically as well as your wife's and your confidence in your movements will lead to a renewal of passion in the bedroom. This is guaranteed. I think your wife needs to feel good about herself again. She needs to take charge of her own self esteem. Maybe as her husband, you can lead her towards this goal. Things you do together will build your intimacy. Trust me. It is never lost. You just need to find the spark again. Do not be like millions of people who give up because it is too much work or they would rather trade a spouse in for another model. I believe that when you love each other, anything is possible, IF YOU WANT IT TO BE. Love will always find a way.

Once you start becoming intimate with each other... sex will follow naturally. But you both must be OPEN to this possibility and really WANT it.

Start by having an honest, in depth talk with your wife about how you both can make your marriage BETTER. Open communication is so important. Never keep things bottled up or hidden. Remember, you are a team.

I wish you both well.

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A male reader, Bouncers Dream United Kingdom +, writes (9 January 2017):

Bouncers Dream is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for the response. My wife found it amusing she said that the woman must have been really drunk. On one hand it was a relief but on the other hand I found it slightly insulting as if I wasn't attractive.

As for my relationship with my wife apart from the sexual side we are close and she's a great mum and a good partner but the sexual side has been gradually reducing for the last 6 or 7 years. It's as if we don't know how to be intimate any more

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (9 January 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntIvyblue seems to have covered all points very well already.

The flirty woman awoke feelings in you which you had forgotten about. It IS nice to feel desired and wanted. It sounds like your marriage has slipped into a rut.

What sort of life does your wife lead? Is she always busy, so rushing around without time to think about planning and eating healthy meals? Or is she at home, picking at food all the time?

I think you need to sit down with your wife and tell her how much better you feel for losing your weight and how you miss intimacy with her. If she is very overweight, she probably hates her body and realizes you no longer find her attractive. The good thing is that you do still love her, so you must stress that.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia +, writes (9 January 2017):

Ivyblue agony auntBravo for the weight loss and hats off to you for acknowledging a red flag raise by yourself and wanting to do something about it. A lot of post come after the fact. You did right by sharing this with your wife and from what you have said did nothing wrong other than feel good about being noticed. Nothing to beat yourself up about. How did your wife respond when you told her and when you did, did you mention what had happened or did you also talk bout how it made you feel as a man and the temptation you felt? That is important if you are wanting to communicate truthfully in finding a solution. Up until your weight loss you and your wife were on the same page, so you get that you have to want to change and that can be difficult when it was once something acceptable by both partners. If you no longer find your wife physically attractive thats fine but again you have to be a bit fair that you too were overweight and she accepted you for that. You have to be very tactful in how you are intending to go about this. Instead of an "oh look and me" and " look at you" imply nothing of the sorts. IMHO thats not being cruel to be kind thats just cruel. Thats demeaning and hurtful. Instead approach things with a healthy and supportive angle. Lead by positive example. tell her just how great you feel both physically and mentally and that is something you want for her also. If she is willing to ask you a double edged sword question if you think she is overweight then the onus is on her to not use that against you. Tell her the truth -just be tactful. You have a right to lead a healthy lifestyle and that means what happens under your roof in the kitchen. So be involved in that also. Plan an active lifestyle together. Ask for her input and interests what level she is willing to commit to. You have to make this about you to as a unit and not about her shortcomings. If exercise is not really her thing, a good way to loose weight without effort is a plant based diet. I'm now Vegan, so I can tell you from personal experience I feel all round great. That may seem a bit extreme for some, but why not give it a try, it's easy and fun to explore new ways of living a healthy lifestyle. Be her crutch, her motivation. As you know, when you see physical change it keeps you wanting more. You have just as much responsibility to make the effort as she does in wanting to make herself some changes. You cant be withholding sex thats just not fair. Next time your out on the town, if the flirty women wont remove themselves, then you have to remove yourself. Hate to see you posting on here again saying that you cheated-now what?

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