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How do I make my boyfriend more comfortable with talking intimately on the phone?

Tagged as: Flirting, Long distance, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 January 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 9 January 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend can't talk intimately over the phone, and when I do it makes him uncomfortable. Everything's great when we're face to face together but we're in a long distance relationship and spend a couple of days each month together. We've been long distance for the last 3 years and I thought he'd come round to it but clearly hasn't. Anyone have any ideas of how to make him more comfortable? I'm quite verbal about my needs or what I'd like to be doing if we were together. He can handle me saying I wish we could cuddle but really anything more and I get one word responses and he'll get all uptight.

View related questions: long distance

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (9 January 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt I think that you just need to accept that phone sex is not his thing, and respect that without trying to cajole him into something that he does not feel.

Same as if he were, say, crazy about anal sex , and you not at all. The right choice would be taking anal sex off the menu, and focusing on all the other ways ( which hopefully are plentiful ) in which you can connect sexually and please each other.

Btw, I don't even think it's a problem of making a partner " comfortable ". Sure, I don't know your bf, so maybe he is very shy or uptight. But I don't think it's a matter of personality- some people just does not like talking dirty, or phone sex. It does not do anything for them.

For instance, I am not a shy type , neither in life nor in bed. And I am also a bit foul mouthed ( more than it's decent for a lady my age, says my son ). Yet, I don't

" get " phone sex. I don't find it exciting- just silly. I can oblige occasionally, once in a blue moon , just to be a good sport . But I don't find it arousing . I am surely not alone in this- for lots of people ( included your bf, apparently ) verbalizing sex is just not their cup of tea.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (9 January 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntHe won't get comfortable with it and you need to accept that, unfortunately.

My boyfriend and I are LDR and we have tried that - we found texting a bit easier, but we very, *very* rarely do it because he finds it a bit awkward and doesn't know what to say. I've accepted that, albeit a tad disappointed, because I love him and can wait until we're together to be intimate.

Some people just don't like phone sex and you have to accept that, rather than resent them for it. Focus on closing the distance or consider breaking up, if this really bothers you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for the responses I just wanted some second opinions. So far as the distance, we're at separate universities that were already confirmed when we stared dating. So a distance we can do nothing about. I'm on a course that lasts for a few more years and he's started applying for grad schemes that will be in a different city to me, due to their nature. We probability won't be in the same place until I finish uni at the earliest. And we're okay with that, we'd discussed the distance at length and considered breaking up because of it but we just don't want to. The reasons why we're apart will give us higher living standards in the future. I'd rather be with him but not in the same place than without him.

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A male reader, tomi00077 Switzerland +, writes (9 January 2017):

tomi00077 agony auntWhy not start writing out fantasies by email which you can then read to each other? Maybe this helps him to overcome his shyness. Or try Facetime or Skype. Then you need less words when you can see each other :-)

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (9 January 2017):

Women are better at verbalizing their feelings and needs than most guys. If you're really talking about sexting?

No, most fellas just feel silly doing it. In your early teens or just for a hoot, it's cool now and then. It helps when there's visuals; but just voice to voice, it may be a little tough to get into. Whereas some people just think it's the bomb. There's no substitute for being there.

Isn't the objective of a long-distance relationship to be together? How on earth do you expect a guy in his late teens to early 20's to be happy with more or less "phone sex" over a three year period? He's probably getting the real thing, and just being nice by picking up the phone.

You can't conduct a real relationship that way, and I think he's doing his best to be kind.

When do the two of you plan to bring this relationship into reality, and more than just a couple of days a month? Something tells me he's just losing interest in having a relationship over the phone. He needs something alive and real.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 January 2017):

Honeypie agony auntIf after 3 years he STILL isn't comfortable then MAYBE you should accept that he just ISN'T into "intimate" conversations over the phone.

To be honest, my husband tried that and I felt so fake trying to do it back to him that I just started laughing and telling him, honey this just isn't for me and he accepted that.

Of he wanted to do things SEXUALLY with you that you don't want to do, should you just suck that up too? NO.

It's OK to have limits, boundaries, and standards. It doesn't mean you don't turn him on - or he doesn't fantasize about you, he just isn't into VERBALIZING it.

It's been 3 years and you are STILL LRD? Is there a plan for NOT being LDR at some point?

Maybe you should focus on that instead of him not wanting to do "phone-stuff" with you.

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