A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys,I have come looking for advice, just slightly confused about a sitaution .So a while ago I decided to give online dating a go. I met this guy online. We hit it from the start.Its been five months and we speak everyday, skype text etc...This guy i guess is a little peculiar from most guys I have known. But he was honest and opened upto me. He told me he never actually dated a girl, no sexual contact and he is 30. He told me this was to huge depression , chain of events in his life and anxiety and confidence issues. He has zero confidence with girls. There was a time where he put huge weight, and girls were actually horrible to him.But he did loose the weight. He admitted he is abit of a loner and pushes people away and still lives at home. He is trying to overcome his anxiety issues.But despite everything, his personality seemed really terrific, he was just kind and gentle. We have similiar sense of humor, music taste , etcc..Anyway, he also told me he has a chronic back problem which gives him trouble even at work and is trying to get back sorted and anxiety for the new year.Anyway, initally I told him lets meet in December in a public place, over coffee. We agreed but then he declined saying he still wasnt well in himself but he will definitly will meet up in feburary 2014.He does not want to meet up with a back problem apprntly it wont be no fun.I told him its very important to meet in person because I dont want to get carried away and its important to know if there is a chemistry and there was no pressure we can just go with the flow. So I approached to him again and he said, he does not want to still meet because he has to go docs in feb and sort back out and then depending on what the doc tells him he will ''think'' about meeting forward'' in March and meeting me. So it was clear once again even meeting in March is not set in stone. I feel like he is afraid to meet me, maybe he has all sorts of reason or maybe he is scared I wont like him. Anyway since we had this chat he is acting distant towards me.I feel like I am pressuring too much about meeting me but I do feel I have to right to ask at least. I really dont know whether to pack it in
View related questions:
at work, confidence, lives at home, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 January 2014):
 You are a patient, understanding person- too much for your own good. As Aunt SVC would say , this guy got so many issues that he should take subscriptions. What do you want to become , a gf or an unlicensed therapist ?!
If he has got so many things to sort out, mentally and physically, and won't meet people until he has put all his ducks in a row, - then he should not be on a dating site.
Dating sites are not penpal sites, they are for knowing and MEETING persons. IRL life too. He can't show his face because you might not be smitten and that would break his heart ?...Even more, he should not be on dating sites. Approaching strangers carries inherently a risk of rejection, it's normal. And even out of dating sites, there's never any guarantee that all will be always peachy and you'll live happily ever after . It's normal feeling upset pissed annoyed disappointed by a rejection- and it's normal nevertheless to face it, take it and get over it. If his social anxiety or self esteem problems or whatnot are so crippling, well, I pity him, poor lad, but, this does not give him the right to give you the runaround and waste your time.
Always admitting that he really has a problem of social anxiety or depression or back problems or whatnot.
Me, I would not exclude that his " problem " is a jeaous wife and 3 kids at home, that's why he can't come out and play.
In any case, yes, take a step back- or even two, three or two hundred. He may be sweet and kind all you want, he may have ( on paper ) lots of good qualities, but has not got the basic one, that of being a normal functional ADULT, not a sickly child.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys,thankyou to all these lovely people for giving me advice about my situation..i found everyones advice very helpful and gave me time to think..Just an update, so we had a discussion about all this meeting up business,i thought maybe he deserve a chance , and it does appear that he told me in not so many words that he is anxious to meet me up, i think due to rejection and to his over all self image.He told me how he is trying to make a go of things and hitting the gym, to get shape in everything and sort his anxiety issues out....I have video called him and i told him i like his appearance..Since I have bought it up to meet up, he has taken a step back and claiming that lets just not get carried away..because I dont want to get attached to you and then we meet up and you reject me on my looks , that will hurt ..he said he will meet up til thenn we will continue to be friends, in this way no one gets hurt...all this time there was alot of banter and flirting going on and now he is being extremly formal with me..he is hard work , i really like him but this man is hard hard work,he has not given me a set date so this may mean literally 6 months !......i dont know whether to laugh or cry, I have been firm with him and agreed that if some one comes along i wont be waitinng around..he also says whether it was the right move to come on a dating sight when he had too much issues he hasnt dealt with but he still happy he met me, very confusing..........i think maybe its time for me to take a step back aswell
...............................
A
male
reader, devont +, writes (29 December 2013):
 Does no one else watch Catfish?! Google it and watch it if not.
He is making excuses not to meet you. Whether they are based on truth or not, it does not matter. If you had met through friends and then he didn't want to meet up, you wouldn't bother... Would you? I know I would be hurt if I wanted to date someone and they kept postponing meeting up.
Sorry to be harsh, but if he doesn't want to meet you, he doesn't want to meet you. Set him a deadline to meet, if he has back problems, couldn't you go and see him? And then if he cancels or won't agree to a date, I would stop bothering. But explain this to him, explain you like him, but in order for your relationship to progress you need to meet up and you can't wait around indefinitely.
All the best.
...............................
A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (29 December 2013):
 I do vote for the deadline recommended by Daisy_Daisy. Maybe this guy deserves to get his chance at least one time in his life but it has not to be at your health/future expense.
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (28 December 2013):
 I feel sorry for this guy but also worry that you're wasting your time on what may only amount to a fantasy (on his behalf) relationship.
I am sure he's stalling because of anxiety, not back problems. His anxiety won't go away until he gets over the hurdle of meeting you, but he's stuck in a vicious cycle.
Honestly, I'd give him a deadline. If he's able to go to work, he's able to turn up and meet you for a coffee. If he loses out (on meeting you), maybe it'll give him the motivation to address his issues.
Just don't waste too much of your own time on him, I have the feeling Feb will become March which will become April, and so on. Set a limit.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2013): This sounds a lot like my ex!. I wondered if it could have been him at first, as we are both also from the uk, and he has a chronic back problem. He isn't 30 though. He's 28. He used to talk to other women online too, even when he was dating me, which obviously, I hated. He wasn't very experienced in relationships either. I'm not sure about now, as I haven't spoken to him for a long time. My ex also complained about his back problem a lot. My ex never wanted to go out anywhere, and he used his back problems as an excuse. That, and some other problems we had are the reasons why he is now my ex. I wouldn't bother with this guy if I were you. I have been in this situation and it was awful. I wasted a lot of time with my ex. He also had depression. We argued a lot. He threatened me with violence a few times too.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (28 December 2013):
 Chronic back problems are usually there for life. In his case, I'd be willing to bet that it's a self image problem. He may still feel like he's too overweight, too awkward, and meeting you send him into a panic attack because he is afraid that you will reject him for his looks and presentation.
There will always be a "push the meeting back to..." until he gets up the courage to see you. There will always be that extra 5 pounds, that little facial blemish to obsess over, that little imagined off-white coloring of the teeth.
I can prove it too! Have you two been video chatting? If the answer is "no", I bet you anything that if you suggest it, there will be a reason why he can't or won't, and usually the "I don't have a webcam" is the number one reason. Offer to buy him one? Heh, no go there too. Now if you two ARE video chatting, then tell him you already like what you see, and if you have to do a date with him in one of those scooter thingies, then so be it.
You'll have to coax him, or wait until February. He's waiting for the emotional bond between you two to become stronger so that it'll overcome the self-image issue. Trust me, it's not the back. It's the self-image. I'm not saying that he is lying, because I'm sure he DOES have back issues! But he's had them and he will always have them in one form or another. That, and the drugs/therapy used to treat back issues like degenerative bone/disk disease, can decimate a self-image. The steroid injections can cause weight gain, the limited mobility makes people like him feel like a shut-in, and the narcotics could knock out a horse after tolerance has built up. But that doesn't make him not a good catch! He's working through them, and he's reaching out socially.
Just take the time, but if February comes around and he ducks, I think being a bit more firm is in order.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 December 2013):
 You submit: "... But he was honest and opened up to me."..... THEN you write: ".... he TOLD me..." this, and that, and blah, blah, blah....
Short of meeting this guy.... and actually learning about him.... you have NOTHING to go on..... Don't fall in to the electronic trap of "falling for" some guy who - you must admit - your really don't "know" at all.....
From behind his computer keyboard, this guy could be a serial killer, the greatest guy in the world, or the re-incarnation of Elvis, for all you know.....
Good luck...
P.S. The "back problems" ruse is genuinely novel,... but, to me... is not very convincing. (Get a Doctor's note, or hospital report, before you actually agree to believe him!)...
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 December 2013):
 You are right about meeting in person. Everything you wrote here explains why he doesn't want to meet you. His health, anxiety, his living situation and lack of experience. When you do online dating you get to screen and pick before talking but at the same time a lot of contact remains online, for a reason. He should not be advertising himself as available for dating because he is not, but talking on the phone is better than nothing. At least he got to sell himself as a nice person, even when he has no goods to deliver. I would not meet him because at 30 a man is supposed to be at the prime age of health and virility. Some say younger if you refer to the sexual area. It means whatever problems he has now it's going to be worse when he's older. He's looking for a woman to talk to on the phone, who is never in a hurry to meet.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (28 December 2013):
This is why he's 30 and never had a relationship. It's definitely not worth pursuing him any more, because as nice as he may be, do you really want to deal with crap like this forever?
...............................
|
