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He promised to spend New Year's Eve with him but cancelled to be with his friend. Should I stick it out or move on?

Tagged as: Faded love, Friends, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 December 2013) 9 Answers - (Newest, 28 December 2013)
A female Canada age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I've dated my boyfriend for a year and out of the blue the past January he broke up with me. He became easily influenced by his mates as they broke up with their gfs and were single and he was the only one attached at the time. We spend New Year's Eve together (as we were still a couple) and then January came and he was gone, acting towards me like I was some stranger. By mid February I found out I was pregnant and notified him and he was trying to be supportive, however I had no option but seek an abortion as I couldn't take care of this child on my own. Around April he came back to me trying to fix what was damaged but then near end of summer he acted the same way all over again. I didn't speak to him for months and then he out of the blue was trying to contact me via e-mail, text messages etc to ask me to meet with him. He met with me told me reason why he needed space and wanted to start a brand new solid relationship with me, I was hurt and distant and explained how I felt by his acts. So we are trying to date each other now. He said he would want to spend the New Years just with me wanting to create a good memory by being outdoors in public watching fireworks, so I cancelled all my plans just for this. However, now he spoke about how his good friend who came back to town from offshore job for the 2 weeks and wants him to spend the New Year's Eve with him. It seems like he's putting me as a second choice and not a priority after what he promised. It hurts me so I'm thinking of giving him that space and let it be. Along with this, I'm thinking of just moving on as I feel that just because this guy came back for a visit I'm being pushed aside when clearly he begged me to have this chance as he wants to be serious with me. What do you suggest? Leave peacefully and move on? Stick it out?

View related questions: abortion, broke up, move on, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2013):

Honestly?

I think you need to do more than leaving and peacefully moving on.

You need to ask yourself why you think you deserve so little in a partner?

The man broke up with you to hang out with his friends not once, not twice, but three times... Not only that but you terminated a new life you had created with him because he was not the sort of partner you needed him to be to go through with the pregnancy.

What exactly has changed now that gives you any hope that next time he'll stick around when his mates are out playing the field?

You know from experience that accidental pregnancies happen. With a new guy, you'd be forgiven for accidentally getting pregnant and then hoping he makes a good dad or he's there for you through it all. But to risk another relationship ergo pregnancy would be irresponsible.

What does the man have to do to show you that he does not have love you? His actions say it perfectly well. He is happy to mess around with you when it is convenient and when he does not have other things to do. But when real relationship issues arise he is not up to the task.

I'd say work on your self esteem this year and realise that you deserve someone who at least reciprocates your love and commitment.

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A female reader, Caring Aunty A Australia +, writes (28 December 2013):

Caring Aunty A agony auntSadly you cancelled more than all your plans for this New Years Eve but a pregnancy because of this creature, to be with him!?

For me; Promises are only as good as the person who makes them… Clearly his are not solid, but disingenuous. As proof, his mates are who come first, responsibility very daunting for him and yes you are his second choice :(

If you love this certain type of man, then so be it – stick it out and perish. But I see that you are clear in your thinking of moving on and I would suggest; leaving peacefully and give him all the space in the Universe for distance.

All the best for 2014 – CAA

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A female reader, llifton United States +, writes (28 December 2013):

llifton agony auntWhy can't he spend it with BOTH of you? And to be truthful, new years is something that if I had to choose, I would he with my partner every time. It's just one of those times.

He's proven to you time and time again that when push comes to shove, you're the second pick. he's clearly not ready to settle down yet. I would move on.

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A female reader, Daisy_Daisy United Kingdom +, writes (28 December 2013):

Daisy_Daisy agony aunt"Leave and peacefully move on" sounds like an excellent idea. He's a great big flakey, non-committal let down, hope you can move on swiftly and find someone more deserving of you. Enjoy New Year's Eve and block this guy so he cannot keep coming back and poking around in your life.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2013):

I'm sorry you are hurt, you definitely deserve someone better, after all what you've been through, the least he could have done is to respect you and not cancel your plan for the new year's eve, but it just tells you how selfish and inconsiderate this guy is. No offense what an idiot !!To be quite honest and I hope I am wrong, that is a bit fishy, I doubt he cancelled with you to have time for his buddy, he might have met another girl. Guys don't cancel a date for the sake of a best friend unless the best friend was deployed to a war zone for years and maybe not even that, it doesn't happen that way !! He can always meet his buddy any other time, or during the day on new year's eve or even before he meets you I think he is lying, however after doing your best and after giving him more than a second chance, I would breakup with him for good, I would go no contact at all. He sounds like keeping you at the back burner in case nothing from his own perspective better comes up. He doesn't know what he is doing, he messed up few times and doesn't even realize what a wonderful person you are. I agree with everybody else and also with honeypie, try to go back to your original plan. I send you big hug and all the best for 2014. Good Luck

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (28 December 2013):

Honeypie agony auntI would see if your original plans for New Years can be revived and then tell him, you made your choice to enjoy New Years with your friend and since that seems to be your MAIN goal in life (to have fun with friends) I'm going to end this relationship, because I will not be put aside no more.

Then CUT the contact and DO not accept him back. You have tried to make it work with him several times and it's just not going to happen to become the way you want it to be.

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A female reader, AuntyEm United Kingdom +, writes (28 December 2013):

AuntyEm agony auntHonestly I got to say it...What a Bastard!!

He's put you through hell this past year with his 'in and out, non commital, full of empty promises bullshit' He has seen you go through an abortion and even now he pulls a switch on you.

Seriously he is a tool and you have to know that it's unlikely he will ever stop being so selfish! You should be his top priority at this time.

I know you probably love him and will tolerate such shitty behaviour because you think he will change but this 'boy' needs a huge time out! he needs to realise that treating someone so badly only gets one result.

Darling you need to do some serious dumping, you have been through enough with this asshole and sometimes you need someone else to point this out to you. You seem like a sweetheart so no need to make a scene but you have to know that he is no good for you and you are young and can and will do better with a different man.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (28 December 2013):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntYou write: "What do you suggest?"

I "suggest" that you get away from this creature.... stay away from this creature.... and never have any contact with him again. How many times - and in how many different ways - are you going to let this cretin prove to you just what a DOG he is (apologies to dogs around the world!)... before you figure out that he is TOXIC to you, and is not worth one iota of your time and/or attention????

Good luck in the new year....

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (28 December 2013):

YouWish agony auntI'd break up with him. Someone coming back for two weeks - there are 13 other days they can get together, and his casual ability to just push you aside does reveal that you will get hurt again if you stay with him.

This is the difference between words and actions. He begged you to be with him and made New Year's Eve his point of being true to you. When his buddy came into town, he should have said "I made plans for NYE already, but Friday night (or the previous weekend) is wide open if you want to go out". If it was truly no other option, he should have gone to you and ASKED you if it was alright to reschedule. The fact that he just cancelled means he failed, and all of his words and noises of reconciliation are worthless.

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