A
female
age
36-40,
*riella John
writes:I broke up with my ex-boyfriend because he's not straightforward forward to me and since then have been left alone. I haven't meet any man of my choice since then. What can I do about that please?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2020): You need to do this in a logical and sensible way and not get carried away by a handsome guy or a man who charms you.Some set about finding a husband or partner the way you would staff who are going to work for you. They weigh up what the person can offer, what their strengths are and work out if they can do better with someone else. Falling in love and all the rest does not come into it.This works great if you also have a lot to offer.You can demand the guy has a great job and a good income - if that is what matters to you - but if you are fat, old and nothing to look at, with debts, he will not be interested.It depends on what matters to you, how pragmatic you are, what other options you have.If you are very young, gorgeous, healthy, fit with a good job then you should have loads of good options. The problem comes when you are much older, not got your health, got no job and income and many men would not be interested or interested for the wrong reasons i.e. I am disabled and struggle a lot at times physically, but I am also successful in business with a lot of investments, property, savings and a fantastic huge house. So when I am single I get gold diggers flocking around me pretending to care, saying all the right things, but no depth to them and no actions to go with them.And, of course, they are hoping they can move in with me and I will be dumb enough to financially support them and pay for everything. If that were my only option I would be far better off single.In the end I chose a man with high functioning Aspergers syndrome because despite this he is loyal, honest, reliable, very smart and never boring, and very quick to show his feelings in practical and physical ways. It works for us. He would give me the shirt off his back without a thought. That matters far more to me than whether he is handsome or charming.I have known elderly women who have no looks, no personality, very over weight, dress badly, no hobbies, no income, no home of their own, who set out to get a man who is half their age and rich - it will not happen.. ever. You cannot up date and you should not down date. I have even known old women who scrape by on benefits and only want a man so that he gives them somewhere nice to live, mows the lawn and cleans the window, and in return all they offer is cooking him a meal and ironing his shirt. But if both are happy with that who is anyone else to say anything?Make a list of the things you can offer.Make another list of the things you can improve - i.e. maybe a new wardrobe, maybe a new interest or better job, so that you would appeal to more and better men.Make a list of the things that matter to you the most.Then ask yourself where you would find that kind of man.I am well educated and a book worm so I tend to like libraries. I don't like men who drink a lot, shout, swear, noisy, so I avoid bars.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2020): When did you breakup and how long were you together? What wasn't he straightforward about? What kind of expectations and criteria do you set for the kind of man you're looking for? Do you measure-up to your own expectations?
When you're not sure what kind of guy you're looking for; you should take your time and date until you find one that seems to connect. It may take time, you may have to weed-out a lot of losers; but you've got to be patient, and know what it is you're looking for in a guy. Not go-in with the notion you're going to change him. Figure-out What kind of character and personality works with your own. That also requires knowing yourself, and doing self-improvements. Not like so many, who go into relationships finding fault about everything in the guy...but what about you? Consider also what values you share. If you're just searching for a husband, you won't find one; until the feelings are mutual, and you find a guy on the same-page about marriage.
You don't go on a mission search for a husband. Tweak your mindset and adjust your way of thinking. You seek a compatible, trustworthy, and suitable mate; and everything else evolves and falls into place. You have to be patient and have your own act together; before all that takes place. Men don't quickly commit to, or marry insecure, suspicious-women, damaged or scorned by their past bad-choices
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2020): It depends what you mean when you say "men of choice".
Let's say that you love fit, strong muscular men, I'd send you to a gym ;)
All joking aside, we all want honest, dependable, hardworking and caring people for friends, partners and family members. But, again, let's be honest, it's not ALL that we want. We also want people who are compatible with us. Not the same as us, but compatible.
What I gather from your post is that your ex lied to you, or as you say wasn't straightforward. There are no recipes that can tell you how to find an honest man. Honest men can be found in all walks of life and so can liars and cheaters.
What you need to be is open and honest with yourself when you meet a guy you like. There are always red flags, but sometimes we choose to ignore them, because of the other qualities a guy may have. So you need to know what your weak spots are, in order not to be manipulated into tolerating some basic BS.
Let's say you meet a guy of your dreams (whatever they may be), but he's not single and is very much interested in you. That's the most basic red flag. You don't want a cheater. There is NEVER a good reason to enter in such a relationship.
Let's say you like a guy but he talks crap about his friends. Certain amount of criticism is not necessarily a sign of a poor character, but if he does it often, if he lies to his friends to get out of some engagements etc. chances are he will do it to you too the moment something becomes inconvenient.
You can tell a lot about someone by the way he treats people who can't do anything for him. That's a good rule of thumb.
So... what do you look for in a guy? If you are looking for someone active, do not spend your time in a book club (although some "book worms" may surprise you). If you're looking for someone who cares for others and is giving, try volunteering.
You get the idea...
Just bear in mind, that when you meet people they all put their best faces on...
Internet is especially dangerous because it let's them wear those faces for a very VERY long time... it's difficult to know whom you're dealing with. I know that some people have found their partners through online dating, but I still prefer the old fashioned way.
My experience showed me that instead of waiting for someone to show up, it's better to invest that time in yourself. Learn new skills, polish the ones, meet people for the sake of meeting people not with an agenda...
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A
male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (1 September 2020):
 You don't mention how long you have been split up from your boyfriend.
If its recent take some time out from dating, don't risk a rebound relationship.
There are many things that you can do to meet the man of your choice.
There is internet dating, although this works for some this is not for everyone.
Start a hobby, or evening class, so who ever you meet you are likely to share a common interest.
Join a gym, take classes, join a walking group.
There are many things we can do, but the most important love of all is the love we hold for ourselves. Get in to a good feeling place, free of any thoughts of past relationships. I believe that we meet our potential partners when we least expect it.
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