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I hit him while drunk for making a pathetic comment and now I deeply regret it

Tagged as: Dating, Marriage problems, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 October 2018) 8 Answers - (Newest, 10 October 2018)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

DearCupid, I'm 31 years old. I met my boyfriend 28, about 2 yeare ago, weve been together for an official year and it has been the most amazing relationship I have ever had in my life with the most amazing man. But when I met him I was unhappily married. Before my boyfriend and I became serious I told him I was married and was currently in a peding divorce. He accepted my situation and we moved forward together. My ex is a crazy person who doesnt want to let me go and is making the process for the divorce very difficult each step of the way. My boyfriend knows how badly my ex treated me. I cant imagine how my boyfriend feels to know his girlfriend is leagally married to someone else but all I want to do is be divorced. Well the other night my boyfriend and I went out drinking and we came back and got into a very upsurd argument where he said " he now knows why my ex treated me the way he did" in the moment of fury and rage I smacked him on his face for saying that. Well he left and said I lost best man hes ever had. My heart is destroyed. I've never been abusive let alone would ever hurt the man that I love but his remark took me to a dark place. And it seems like I've lost him. Weve been into agreements in the past where for him it ends it wanting to break up. I know what I did was wrong but I just to be in a relationship where the person I love is willing to fight for us. Havent heard from him and its hurts alot.

View related questions: divorce, drunk, my ex

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (10 October 2018):

YouWish agony auntYou said this:

"I just to be in a relationship where the person I love is willing to fight for us."

I think you want to rethink the "fighting" part. That smacks of DRAMA, and you are full of it. Drunkenness, dark places, unfinished marriages, and right hooks?? You've got baggage, and you should finish your marriage before getting with another guy.

Also, that's assault! You're lucky you're out of jail, because I would have called the police on you and had you hauled off to the drunk tank and charged with battery. What if the shoe was on the other foot, and he knocked you across the face?? There's no double-standard. Violence is wrong, and you just ended your relationship with one punch.

Time to go to therapy, end your marriage, and work on your issues before bringing someone else into your world.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2018):

I'm not going to be hard on you, but I think you have not come to terms with your ex and what he said was a red rag to the bull. I ma not condoning it but alcohol let out your demons and does drinking cause the other arguments?

He may come back but my advice is if you both decide you are going to give it another try take it VERY slowly, go on dates with NO drinking and learn to get to know each other.

But it is concerning what he said, it is either a sign that he could end up being like your ex and the fact he walked away suggests he has at least got self control or did your behaviour warrant him to say that, why did he say it, you must know?

I agree with other posters that the probability is that it is too soon to become involved with someone after a bitter split with an abusive ex, but this is your life, your choices and of course his. If he feels he wants to forgive you then you need to take this relationship very slowly, build trust and see if it is as wonderful as you think it is. If he has decided to walk and stay away, I am sorry but it simply wasn't meant to be and you need to learn from this, stay single and see things clearly before you go into another one. Best of luck x

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (8 October 2018):

Code Warrior agony auntIf the new guy can see why your husband treats you so poorly, then either you're a monumentally poor judge of men's character, or you're a person who won't admit to your character flaws. Since you chose to slap him in the face, I'm going with the latter. Being drunk is no excuse. I used to be a belligerent drunk who got in fist fights, and I didn't blame the alcohol, I blamed myself and my lack of self control. I stopped drinking cold turkey for 25 years and now I have the maturity to drink responsibly and I'm now known as a happy and fun drinker.

Don't try to bullshit us with that dark place nonsense being a one time deal. It's not. It's there all the time and drinking merely lowers your self control and allows it to come out. You know you're in the wrong and you know those dark thoughts are present way more often than you're admitting to us. You need to look in the mirror and decide if you're mature enough to drink responsibly. If not, then stop and don't drink again until you're mature enough to eliminate the dark thoughts from your life.

As for this guy, end it. Get yourself straightened out, and then maybe you can have a relationship where your dark side is kept under lock and key at all times.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (8 October 2018):

Honeypie agony auntYes, you made several mistakes and here you are.

1. You started to date BEFORE your divorce was even final. YOU ARE NOT single and ready to mingle! Not until the papers are signed. Legally or otherwise.

2. You hit someone for saying something you didn't want to hear or that was not appropriate for him to say. Hitting is never OK in an argument. Drinking is no excuse.

3. You have dragged this new guy into a YOUR mess. something I don't think ANY ONE is ever really ready for. TOO much drama.

I fully agree with WiseOwlE - if your BF (now ex- BF) had written in instead of you, I would have told him to walk away. There is too much baggage , too much drama and TOO much NEGATIVITY going on here for a relationship to be healthy. That dating someone who is NOT fully divorced is a mistake.

People shouldn't have to "fight" for a relationship or to be with someone. EVERYONE has their breaking point. HE had his, he left and cut you off.

YOU will have to ACCEPT this and RESPECT this. Even if that is not what YOU want. Tough.

YOU need to make YOU, the priority. NOT having a BF.

So GET that divorce over and done with ASAP. The focus on working though the abuse you went through with the ex-husband OR you are bound to repeat that in the future.

He hit his limit with how much the soon-to-be ex-husband encroached on your relationship and YOU hit your limit with what you can bear to listen to/hear.

You were probably BOTH in the wrong. And 2 wrongs... never make a right.

LEAVE him be. He needs to figure out if he is gone for good or not. Don't try and influence that.

FOCUS on WHAT you can do to finish that divorce ASAP.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2018):

I am so sorry but you must leave him as he really does not respect you in fact he never has.Alcohol sometimes brings out truths people cannot say when sober.You are getting a divorce from your abusive ex.You never had time to heal and work on yourself after that.Because of that even though you cannot see it but by your letter we can you have chosen the same type of man.You need first to heal and then get some help so you learn to pick better.If you do not take time for yourself to do this you will never be happy because you will always pick disfuntion.It is ingrained in you to pick that way and unless you do get help you will always be it unintentional pick the wrong man.Habits are hard to break but hey with the right help it can be done.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (8 October 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntI’m sorry, but here are the three for Ito me this:

- don’t drink if you can’t control yourself

- you’re not compatible and should never start a new relationship until completely free of the last one

- you probably need some therapy to deal with the “dark place”

Learn the above from this experience. Good luck moving forward, but don’t take him back because it’s not normal or healthy for him to be thinking about breaking up when you argue.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (8 October 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntYou have learned a painful lesson: regardless of how you are feeling, you are still responsible for your words and actions.

You both behaved badly on that night. Alcohol was doubtless a contributory factor. However, that does not excuse EITHER of you.

I have to question whether this man is actually as fantastic as you seem to think. If arguments usually end in him wanting to break up with you, then that in itself is abusive and controlling behaviour because, knowing how you feel about him, he will use threats of ending the relationship to keep you "in line". Either that or he is a petulant individual who wants everything his own way or he will "take his ball home".

I would advise stepping back and doing nothing for a little while (apart from trying to finalize your divorce). This will give you and your (ex) boyfriend time to think and time to consider your options. I suspect you cling to him so tightly because he is better than your abusive ex but, let's face it, most men probably are. However, that does not make him right for you. Don't step from one abusive relationship into another.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (8 October 2018):

My advice has always been not to get too emotionally-involved romantically with people too soon after a breakup; or in the midst of divorce. There's just too much going on.

You don't mention a child, or children; which would make things even more complicated.

Emotions are raw, and there is still a third-party who will be nothing but a wedge and a wrench caught in the works. There's too much conflict. Your head must be spinning!

The previous relationship will make a recurring impact on the second-relationship; which is struggling to be established. In your case, there was no recovery-time. No period of calm; to allow you to sort out your life, and tie-up loose-ends. Your life is, more or less, a hot mess! Of course, for the sake of argument; I would expect you to adamantly deny and resist that theory. I would counter, that your post would weaken that argument.

Your idea to start another relationship during marriage; and now during an ongoing-divorce, was a terrible move. You're still traumatized and gun-shy from the past. Anything could be an emotional-trigger during an argument or disagreement with your boyfriend. You're basically juggling two relationships at once.

Where does one end, and the other begin? There's no degree of separation! They're butt to butt!

Your reflex-reaction was due to flashbacks from your ongoing conflict with your husband. Man#2 touched on a sore-nerve. It would have been something else, if not a slap; that would have brought your rebound-relationship to where it is now.

The second-relationship was always in contentious territory; because you're the proverbial "love-triangle." Which are nothing but trouble! Trying to ditch one guy for the other.

I rest my argument on the fact that your marriage was cited as being a contributing-factor to your relationship-issue with Man#2. There was fallout and carryover tension from your marriage, that poisoned your rebound-relationship. He called it out for what it is. Not by what he actually said; but by realizing one relationship is directly-affecting the other. There are two-sides to every story. He knows that.

I called it a rebound-relationship; because you didn't end one, before you tried to start another. You're not a super-woman. Relationships require a lot of work and attention. It's not a success, just because you could make it overlap your divorce for a year. It still took a hit. One incident is shared with us in the post; but experience tells me that the other guy has put up with more than you cared to acknowledge. He's dealing with a lot of drama!

For very obvious reasons. You don't want to be judged for seeing someone else; while you're still technically-married.

I know there are other problems prior to the slap-incident. It's a given you wouldn't want anyone to tell you dating while divorcing is a really bad idea. You're spreading yourself too thin.

I know you will likely debunk, ignore, or hate my advice. It takes some tough-love to help you to see the full-picture; and it gives you more foresight. You've dealt with the emotional-side of this issue. Now lets put logic to the test.

My opinion is that you've bitten-off more than you can chew. Your post comes too late after the fact. The time to have sought advice was prior to trying to initiate a romance before, and in the middle of, a stormy-divorce. You brought this other guy into the middle of a messy triangle. He's too inexperienced and unfamiliar with such territory. He stuck his foot in it! Now he's feeling the the repercussions of his poor sense of judgement and poor-timing.

You will likely do everything you can to try and keep the relationship going; but I think he's been dealing with a lot more than this most recent situation. I think it's a culmination of many other trials and tribulations from your divorce that continue to butt against your other relationship. He's being expected to put-up with it. The odds are working against both relationships happening at the same time.

Had he written instead of you; I would have suggested he pull-out of this situation. Sorry I didn't tell you what you may have wanted to hear. Maybe someone else will benefit from my advice, if not you. Somehow, I think you might.

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