A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi allJust seeking opinions as to whether there is a need for concern or just over reacting. Bit of back ground info. Been in a relationship for 10 years. In the earlier part there were bouts of cheating on his part. We worked through it but I made it clear never would I fully trust him again. Fast forward we have had problems like most couples, the most prevalent of late our lack, near non existent sex life. I take my responsibility in that I acknowledge there has been a significant change in myself for a few reasons. The first the disconnect between us, our opposite work schedules is a huge factor and for medical/ biological reasons that contribute to lowering a female sex drive. I just returned from being away and found on my computer history he has been looking up sites on how to be successful in flirting with women. Not something he does with me- but given he works with nurses and history Im wondering if this is something of a concern. It just seems an odd thing to be actively seeking advice on. It has just left me wondering if he has been up to no good or intending to. Any thoughts on whether I'm being over reactive or there is grounds to confront him. Thank you.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (10 October 2018):
 I read your post and follow-up.
Yep, I think 10 years is long enough to waste.
The guy is looking for an exit, and there is zero upside being in a relationship where there can't be trust.
It was doomed from the moment you said you could *NEVER* trust him again, meaning no matter what, trust was nonexistent forever.
There can be NO relationship without trust. Some relationships that suffered infidelity can be regenerated, but that takes effort on both sides. Unfortunately, yours wasn't one of them.
Time to move on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2018): Well done you!
I'm sorry you feel it ended badly. It sounds to me as if you are now free to start afresh. Only maybe try to address why your sex drive is non-existent otherwise the same type of thing may happen again.
All the very best
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2018): You didn't accuse him of f#cking someone you showed him what he had looked at online and asked why. And a guilty mans response to shout and deny not see that you have seen he has looked and can come up with a reasonable explanation.
Even without this there are clearly problems in the relationship and if it can't be resolved you either stay miserably together or go separate ways. Best of luck x
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 October 2018):
 Well, at least you know that you DID handle it without overreacting. While he might have "thought" you asked because you were suspicious or wanting to accuse him... it doesn't really matter, he chose the LIE and YELL option.
Because bullshit - it "just" popped up.....
I'm sorry it had come to this, but at least you will both get a chance to find either a more suited partner or... just peace and quiet by yourselves for a while.
Without trust and respect... most relationships are just doomed. You don't trust him (for good reason) and he... doesn't respect you. So the basic building block of a healthy relationship are just not there.
Good luck, OP.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you ladies. Well I took a deep breath and calmly asked him if he had an interest in anyone. He said no, asked why. I showed him the screen shot 'Psychologically proven flirting techniques-ways to flirt with any girl'. His response was to start yelling "it just popped up, I don't know why I read it, I'm not f***ing anyone, I'm not seeing anyone". I asked him to calm down and He just kept angrily repeating I'm not f***ing anyone and having a go at me for thinking otherwise. Why he was yelling when I kept calm I thought OTT. I asked what he would think if the shoe was on the other foot and I had every right to ask given this is about risks to sexual/ mental health. It didn't end well. He said he wasn't happy so that is enough for me, our time is done. I'm sad about that but I just want for us both to be happy. I simply cant be living again in a suspicious relationship. Again thank you ladies for your responses
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 October 2018):
I have to ask first, WHAT do you think would happen if you confronted him?
Would he deny, lie or gaslight you with some lame story that he is someone's wingman and he was looking up stuff to advice this "friend"?
What would you GAIN by confronting him if ANY of the above options are possible (denial, lies or gaslight story)?
Is it something to be concerned with? OBVIOUSLY you ARE concerned or you wouldn't have written your question.
YOU know your partner. We don't.
I also think you know things aren't great, as you point them out. And honestly... him looking up how to flirt is the LEAST of your concern.
You have a declining relationship going. The intimacy is gone. MAYBE his searches is an indicator that HE is MISSING intimacy with you. Maybe it's a CLUE that you two NEED to have a conversation about how you BOTH feel the relationship is going and WHAT needs to be done to make it stronger.
Taking responsibility for your non-existent libido is great, but it doesn't FIX anything. It's just a fact, not a solution.
So no, I wouldn't confront him. I would sit him down and talk about WHAT you miss in the relationship and ask him what he misses and HOW you two can fix it together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2018): Your sex life is practically non-existent, he has cheated in the past and he has been looking at sites about how to flirt.
What would you think if a friend of yours told you this about her boyfriend?
Personally I think that yes, you have reason to suspect. Whether you confront him or not is up to you of course, but do you think that you will get the truth? Do you think he will say, 'Yes I was looking to flirt so I can cheat on you because I'm not getting any sex?'
He will excuse it, make excuses etc.
Ask him instead how he feels about your relationship, about the lack of sex and see if you can have an honest interaction with him that way. Then you can see if your relationship can be saved, if you try to get help with your lowered sex drive. It is not surprising to me that if a man has no sex, that he will start to look elsewhere for it, in time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2018): I am sorry but if that is what he has been looking up then it is there in Black and White in my opinion. I don't necessarily think once a cheat always a cheat but I think the fact he has done it before makes it easier for him to repeat.You can confront and ask him but I am not entirely sure he will be honest with you. I think you need to keep your nose to the ground and gather more evidence.He might not have cheated again but it seems he may want to, I just don't see what other reason he would have...
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