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I know he's had sex with others before being in a relationship with me but it bothers me that he lied about his "first" sexual experiments

Tagged as: Dating, Sex, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 October 2018) 4 Answers - (Newest, 11 October 2018)
A female India age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I have been in a happy relationship with my boyfriend for 8 months. we are very open about our past relationships and both of us accepted everything about it and continued. so trust and respect was the major factor in our relation. we have a very active sex life and we like experimenting with different things. everytime we try something new my boyfriend always tells me this is his first time doing it and no other girl has done all this for him. I was very happy knowing that it made him happy and these intimate moments were our very own secret and something precious to us specially to me because it was my first time too trying different things and I was glad it was with him which made it very special . recently I found out that he was doing the same thing with a different girl two months before we met. I am not bothered about what he did with whom because it was before we met but what bothers me is that he lied to me about it saying it was his first time experimenting with different things and it made me feel special. I asked him about it and all he said was sorry I lied. if he was honest about it or if he would have jus said he enjoyed it I don't think it would matter at all. what I cannot get past is the fact that because he said it was the first time for him everytime and that he never thot he could feel lik this in this life time, I treasured it. now when I found out it has become very hard for me to trust him. what do I do? please help

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (11 October 2018):

YouWish agony auntHere's the issue:

Everything he's doing with you *IS* the FIRST time. With every woman it is a different experience. He may have done the act before, but never with you, and never the same way. Each dance is different. The steps are similar, but with each person, it is brand new.

This is the really bad thing about bringing others into a relationship. Asking about whether or not someone's "done something before" brings exes into a relationship where they don't belong. You shouldn't be thinking about who he's been with before you, and bringing it up or asking about it will destroy your relationship as it's doing right now.

Why would you ASK him about something like that?? That shouldn't even come up! Asking him questions about the details of sex with others and comparing it with you is the same as asking him whether or not an outfit makes you look fat, or whether he thinks another woman is prettier than you. You set him up. He *HAS* to lie, or he risks hurting you. In truth, you should NEVER NEVER ask him anything of the sort.

When you two are together, your EVERY sexual conversation should be as if you two are the only people who have ever existed on earth. He was doing you a favor by saying it, and I wouldn't exactly call it a lie, since with each woman, things are different.

You can trust the guy. But if you value this relationship, you will stop talking about others here and now and forever. QUIT or lose him.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (9 October 2018):

Anonymous 123 agony auntMaybe you are not fine with the fact that he's slept with other women. You think you are not you're not. Perhaps it was different when you just started dating and sleeping together but now that you're getting closer, you're starting to resent him for it.

I think it's best to not mention past relationships and what they were about. Never ever bring the past to the table unless it has a direct impact on your present and I'm pretty sure previous boyfriends/girlfriends/sex lives don't make the cut. It only causes grief. No matter how okay you think you are with it, it's only human to feel hurt.

Anyway, you can only solace from the fact that no two people are the same and so just because he's experimented sexually with the others doesn't make it any less special with you. Yes he shouldn't have lied but I think he knew at some level that you would be jealous and upset... Which you are.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2018):

I can see why you are disappointed and well done you for accepting his past does not matter.

You have been together 8 months and by the sounds of it things are going well. I don't know maybe he sensed your want to make things 'Special' and didn't have the heart to admit he had done some of those things.

If you have a good relationship in all aspects then can you be happy to accept that clearly he wants to be with you and that is special in it's own way?

Anyone can have sex and sometimes flings are just about that. You want to make your man happy and I am sure you are, keep on continuing to not let his past affect what you have, that is my advice x

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2018):

As lies go, this is a small one. I would let it go, however it makes me wonder if he is a player and is in the habit of lying to lots of women about sex/relationships?

I would keep an eye on him and make sure he is not a cheater.

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