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female
age
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*hesadwife
writes:I desperately need help. I have no one who I can talk to about this and I'm afraid it's going to destroy me. I've been married for 26 years. There is no question it's not a perfect marriage. There are two issues that I am fighting and feel like I'm drowning in both. Issue #1 I live in a completely sexless marriage. I believe part of the problem was that for most of my married life I was extremely overweight. In the last 4 years, I have lost 120 pounds, but more important I have maintained my new weight. Even with this great accomplishment, there is still no sex. There is minimal (at best) hugging or kissing. He said he is not sexually attracted to me, but it's not me, it's his problem. Don't even know myself how I am able to survive. Issue #2 My husband has what I would refer to as nothing short of a sex addiction. I found out about 15 years ago that he occasionally went to hookers, he was even arrested for solicitation 11 years ago. Things were relatively quiet (I guess you would say he was behaving himself) for many years. About 4 years ago it started up slowly, and now is completely out of control since November since he left his job in order to watch our investments full time, i work out of the house. He spends the mornings on the computer watching the stock market on one computer and looking at local escort ads on back pages on another computer. I am one step ahead of him, even though he has passwords on his phone, his google account and so on, I know them all :) . I even have the password to his checking account. He went as far as to buy a cell phone (which he hides in the garage, and I found within 30 seconds of looking) to make his calls to these escorts. He is going to escorts 1 to 3 times a week. I have confronted him many times over the years on this, and his response is that he knows he has a problem and it's not my business. Of course he accuses me of spying after him, which I totally deny. He says the escorts mean absolutely nothing to him, he does it when Im at work so it doesn't take any time away from me, and that he is not going to stop nor is he going to go for help. He even suggested that I go to a male escort. He told me if I can't live with this we should split. After my last huge outburst two nights ago, he told me I better not bring the subject up again. The crazy part is as a couple we have been through so much together, having and raising 2 great sons who are both away at college, burying our parents, burying siblings, and always are there for each other. Last week I returned from an 8 day overseas business trip, and he was so excited and happy that I was home, and kept repeating that over and over for a couple of days. I have no clue what to do or how to go forward. I am way to embarrassed about the situation to even speak to a professional. I can't even believe that there is anyone else in the world in a similar situation. If you were to look at us on the outside you would think we are the perfect couple. Truly I'm in a position to do whatever I want, we are very fortunate that money is not an issue here. If anyone has any suggestions, idea's comments, it would be greatly appreciated. I'm afraid that if I don't put this in some sort of perspective soon, I will make some stupid mistake...... Thank you for taking your time to read this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2012): I forgot to say, you definitely need to speak to a professional. Don't be embarrassed they have heard and seen just about everything. You can't deal with all of this on your own.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): This is a messed up relationship- he's hiding things- you're snooping and you both know what is going on, so why bother doing either. He will keep this up because that is what he wants to do with his life- truthfully most men just follow their sexuality most of the time- it doesn't matter whether they love you or not. I agree it is addiction like although I think true sex addiction means compulsive sex with anyone who will be a partner, the reason being he is hiding what he is doing even though he knows you know about it. He needs to go to counseling if you want things to change.
Do you want to end your marriage? What do you want to do? Do you want a sexual relationship with him again? Do you want to start over?
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reader, Blonde68  +, writes (2 March 2012):
You really need to ask yourself why are you in this marriage! What are you actually getting out of it, other than heartache?
No one deserves to be treated in this manner - and people only get away with what we allow them to get away with. You are allowing him to behave in this manner/treat you in this way and it has to stop! If I was in your shoes, I would leave him or ask him to leave - sometimes a short sharp shock can work and people occasionally get their act together.
However, my concern is that he has already told you that he isn't attracted to you anymore - This could be due to the fact he is spending so much time seeing hookers and watching porn (I am sure if he saw these women day in day and when they had just woke in a morning he wouldnt find them quite so appealing) He is basically living in a fantasy world and perhaps if he put more of an effort into your marriage you could work on the attraction side of things again. It sounds like you have seriously grown apart!
He says he missed you when you were away - well make him miss you a lot more and he may just realise what he has lost! Put your foot down and tell him to move out. There is no point in you threatening it, because that won't change his behaviour at all.... like I said, short sharp shock is what is required on this occasion - what have you got to lose!
We are only on this earth once - please don't waste it, you are worth so much more than this!
Finally, don't be afraid of the future, you will become a stronger woman and a lot lot happier if you take action now whatever the outcome!
Good luck x
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 March 2012):
 Congrats on losing the weight. I ‘ve lost a good chunk too and many marriages do NOT survive when people make such tremendous changes. It’s that you have had to make many permanent lifestyle changes to take off and keep that weight off… and as such your feelings about yourself have changed. GOOD For you.
Personally I think that while this has always been going on it’s just that NOW you have a sense of yourself that 120 pounds of fat hid from YOU. I know that it was that way for me. I no longer was willing to tolerate the things in my marriage at 140 pounds that my 286 pound self was willing to tolerate. I think that’s where you are.
I also understand the whole “we’ve built a life together” we’ve raised kids together etc etc etc…
Since you are sexless with him (and that is a good thing as he might have been a source of STDs if you were) and yet you are loving friends I have two choices for you:
1. End the marriage and get a new partner eventually that is EVERYTHING you need.
2. TAKE a lover with your husband’s knowledge and consent (and the knowledge and consent of the lover that he’s just your approved something on the side)… you and your hubby live together as husband and wife but you no longer expect or want sex from him…
Nope it won’t work for everyone but it works for some. The KEY to me is that you don’t do it behind his back… and then you no longer will CARE what he does with his escorts… it won’t matter and the rest of your life with him will be nice…
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): Out of the number of things that he is doing wrong here I can count at lease one blessing, he isn't infecting you with any std's. Be thankful its a sexless marriage for that reason. You want sex with meaning, if you have sex with him it will be sex alone you will be having. You want sex with emotion, not a physical feeling. Do you get it, he isnt right. He is an adulture. You need to hire a private investigater to get what you deserve when you leave. You need a diverse. He is bringing an unhealthy addiction in to your home and this is harmful to you"......
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 March 2012):
 Why stay in the marriage? He isn't going to change and you are only going to drive yourself nuts trying to check up on him and "catch" him in the act.
He is no longer your "husband" he is your room mate. He lies to you, you lie to him, to what purpose? Maintain an equal balance of lies?
Personally I would end it and live life a little. Let him be with all his hookers/escorts. There is no reason why you can not find happiness about.
Get all the documentation you can find and divorce his cheating ass.
By staying you are accepting his behavior, Personally I would have left his nasty ass the first time he got caught with a prostitute, how icky!
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 March 2012):
 It's not that your marriage is not perfect, it's that it is not a marriage anymore. It may be a financial society, or a house sharing arrangement between two highly compatible roommates, but it's not a marriage. I doubt that you could do anything to revive it, and, frankly, I doubt you should. You'd be better off coming to term with what it is , closing this chapter of your life, and moving on. To find a real mate that can love you and appreciate you the whole package, body and soul- or to live alone with pride and integrity, free from the weight of the seedy compromises you have been accepting for the sake of things that have surely meant something important ( raising 2 kids etc. ) but now belong to the past.
It's not a weight issue, you have been fat and he did not want you, you have been slim and he did not want you - you could sprout angel wings and he still would not want you.
He is not attracted to you. But, while he does not do this on purpose ( not being attracted ) , there's something else he does on purpose, which is cheating. If he only cheats with prostitutes , so what, it's still cheating, and he has no intention whatsoever to stop. ( Btw, I hope for you that your finances are not co-mingled, that you have no joint accounts, and that at the time of wedding you officially opted for separations of assets, - because if you are instead in communion of assets ,... he 's using money that's also YOURS to fund this very expensive habit of his, and without your approval ).
The only sensible , honourable solution IMO would be to see your lawyer ASAP and put an official ending to such an humiliating parody of a marriage.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (2 March 2012):
 Sorry I made it into a weight issue and it definitely is not that, it's an attraction issue and a question of respect. Larger women do get sex and love from the man that adores them.
I really don't want to add to your pain. I would love you to come back and update your post, you sound so heartbroken dealing with this on your own. And yes, many women here on Dear Cupid are in exactly the same situation. Just search under "sexless" or "won't have sex" and you'll find stories that will make you realise you are not suffering alone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): it's great that you lost 120 pounds and kept it off! that is a big accomplishment, and you should be feeling your best and sexiest!!
But I totally agree with Miamine. The first problem is that your hb just doesn't find you attractive - which doesn't mean that you are not attractive, just that he has different tastes now - and thus is getting his needs met elsewhere. This is a despicable thing for him to do. He should have divorced you long ago if he had no more attraction to you and needed to get his needs met elsewhere, instead of cheating on you. But, the strange and sad fact is that actually many people believe that divorce is a bigger sin than cheating, so they cheat. or they believe that divorcing would hurt their spouse and family more than staying married while cheating to fill in the voids. or it could be entirely selfish reasons that he didn't divorce you, like, maybe he didn't want his standard of living to drop by paying child support and alimony.
Either way, the first problem is your husband just doesn't find you attractive and has made it clear that he is going to get his needs met elsewhere.
The second problem is that you have not divorced him over this. By staying married you're accepting his terms and conditions for the marriage, no matter how many emotional outbursts you may have had, the very fact that you're still in this marriage means you're accepting it even if grudgingly. That's enough reason for him to continue because he is already emotionally ready for a divorce since he has invited you to divorce him if you don't like his cheating.
He's got the upper hand in this relationship because he can take you or leave you, either way is fine by him, whereas you are not ready to leave him so you're still emotionally dependent on the idea of him changing to stop hurting you.
Past a certain point, you have to realize he is not going to change no matter how angry and upset and hurt you get. Nothing you do can make him change, so it's time to make choices for yourself which are not based on what he does or doesn't do.
He's told you very clearly where he stands - he is saying either you accept it or you are welcome to divorce him and he's perfectly willing to go through a divorce over this, but he won't initiate it, you have to. He's putting the ball in your court because he's giving you the option to accept his horrible terms and conditions that he's not budging on. He's even suggesting you do the same thing as him and use male escorts. If you are unwilling to do this, then I suggest you take his suggestion and divorce him. clearly his priorities have been made clear, and as unfortunate and upsetting as it is, you have to adjust yourself to the reality.
So what if you've 'been through a lot' as a couple? raising a family, burying parents, etc. What divorced couple did not at one time go through a lot just like this, similarly? yet they didn't let that stop them divorcing and moving on. You can go through a lot in life with friends by your side, or with other family members. maybe he's become more of a brother to you than a husband which is why there is still familiarity and attachment, but no sexual intimacy or attraction. If so, I think you should accept that this is the reality which is that your marriage has turned into a brother-sister type relationship. that means you're still very close but there's no sexual intimacy. Why not officially change the status of your relationship to reflect what the reality already is and has been for a long time? then you can be free to find someone new in the future with whom you can have a romantic and sexual relationship with. But as long as you stay married to your husband, you're always going to expect him to play the role of a hb which he has said he is not going to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): Few years ago I worked with a woman, she was sweet, a colleague had got her the job with us to get her out of the house.
Her husband had been seeing others,cheating etc and she put up with it to keep him.
He went to his wife one day and told her he wanted her to take the attic room,leave their bedroom, he was moving in a new woman.The new woman moved in, took her place in his bed and life. The wife, she moved up to the attic but continued to cook,clean etc - rather than be alone,without him around she put up with it.This is when we met her.
We all got together and convinced her gently and eventually to go to a solicitor and sort out a divorce and settlement.She did,got the house, her freedom and never regretted it.
Give them an inch.....
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reader, Miamine +, writes (2 March 2012):
Sigh.. don't know about your husband being a sex addict. People like the term addiction, because it put's a medical spin on something that is just bad behaviour. If he's only having sex with prostitutes, he's only having sex 1-3 times a week, that is not addictive behaviour. That is a man who only sleeps with prostitutes.
I'm going to say something that may hurt. It might have been your large size that made you unattractive to him, people of a larger size sometimes have difficulty with sex. But as you say, that is all in the past, you lost a lot of weight, and many men would have been overjoyed and back in the bedroom helping you by using sex to lose even more weight. Sex burns up calories.
But this your husband did not do. What he has said, and I suggest you believe him, is that he does not find you attractive. This doesn't mean you are not beautiful, sexy and attractive, it's just that this man doesn't see you like this. Not really his fault, not yours, that's just the way things are. Really he should have asked for a divorce instead of denying you sex and then going out and paying for it.
I know all of this hurts, and I'm trying to go gently. Sexually you and your husband are not suited. He's even hinted at that asking you to get your sex from somewhere else. He can't be the husband that you want, and again he has hinted at this and asked for a divorce.
The problem is you really. You know he goes to prostitutes, but you still keep him. You want to have sex with him but you stay in a sexless marriage for years, just so you can be with him. Your willing it seems to put up with anything, because this man is your friend (not a husband, because husband's have sex) and you've too much to lose, house, memories, company, money etc.. that even though he probably won't have sex with you again, divorce is not on your mind.
Can you change him. No, he doesn't want to have sex with you for what ever reason. Should you stay... more difficult.. you could stay, but you should take up his offer and tell him your going to find yourself a lover to take care of your own sexual needs. Sex wise this marriage is over. You could both go to relationship counselling, (if you didn't prefer to keep everything secret in the attempt to keep your unhappy marriage bearable) but I feel this will also lead to your marriage ending, because counselling doesn't like secrets, all the wishes, the desires, the thoughts will come out.
Your husband is not willing to change (big hint: he is happy with this, he wants you to get your own prostitute) You are probably not willing to change (big hint: your still there with this cheating guy) Some men and women can live this way, they fear being alone. Go relationship counselling, see if that will work, if not, get a lover and make sure you tell your "husband" what you are doing. Only way I see for you to keep a reluctant "husband" and still get your needs satisfied.
Your probably an attractive, vivacious woman, you sure got a lot of kindness and a big heart just in the words that you write here. There are a lot of men who will appreciate your beauty. Unfortunately your husband doesn't seem to be one of them. Stop making this about him, he has no problems, it's you and what you want, and why you put up with this unhappy relationship, that's what you have to focus on now.
Sorry.. it's not fair, but such things happen in life. Most men have better manners, and wouldn't go to prostitutes, wouldn't have affairs, but the sex would still be infrequent and they would avoid the bedroom. It's hard to have sex if you aren't aroused, the penis doesn't work that way. But you deserve better, you deserves a man to get hot for you, a man who finds you sexy, big or small, fat or not fat. There are so many men out there who are like this, and again, they never, ever use prostitutes.
PS: Did he meet you when you were overweight?
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reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (2 March 2012):
 hi!
Yeah I would argue youre definitely in a toxic marriage at this point and if you continue going forward you will experience extreme highs and extreme lows emotionally, putting both your mental health at further risk and possibly some other things. This is not the way a marriage should be and well acknowledged on your eventful past with the man however that shouldnt obligate you just to stay with him. If things are rubbish, get out of the marriage. Be it after 2 weeks, a month, a year or ten years. This isnt healthy. good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): He's lucky you have tolerated this behaviour for so long.
If it was me I would show him the door.Every couple or even friends are bound to build up a history, to go through life's experiences together. But why should you have to put up with his total lack of respect for you. He has had years of doing as he pleases and not sought help.He has a wife, you, yet he pays for sex, not even discreetly.Almost like he doesn't care you will find out.
I would start thinking of yourself,your needs, a life you could have.You've raised your family,stood by him, done your end of the marriage.I hope you can find it in you to walk away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): You've allowed him to get away with this outrageous behavior. I dont see how you can continue to live this way. Therefore I think you should leave your husband, even though it will be very difficult. This may finally get him to change and perhaps you can reunite at a later date. Either way, you will ultimately be a happier person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): Out of the number of things that he is doing wrong here I can count at lease one blessing, he isn't infecting you with any std's. Be thankful its a sexless marriage for that reason. You want sex with meaning, if you have sex with him it will be sex alone you will be having. You want sex with emotion, not a physical feeling. Do you get it, he isnt right. He is an adulture. You need to hire a private investigater to get what you deserve when you leave. You need a diverse. He is bringing an unhealthy addiction in to your home and this is harmful to you"......
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reader, Hugh.J +, writes (2 March 2012):
 How can you claim not to be spying on him, in view of what you have said here - knowing all his passwords (how?), seeking and finding his private cellphone and checking his calls - sounds a lot like spying to me?
Ok, so what to do about your problem? You cannot make someone fancy you if the spark isn't there, but I find this a difficult one to call. From what you say, he cares about you and misses you when you are apart, but no sex. He DOES like sex, hence the "escorts, but just not with you.
This is a long shot, but what about a bit of role-play?
Send him a text offering your services as an escort, arrange to meet him in a hotel, dress up really tarty and seduce him in the bedroom like a full-time hooker would.
It might just work, and give you both a big thrill and a fresh start?
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reader, landomando +, writes (2 March 2012):
First congratulations for loosing the weight that is an amazing an very inspirational to many woman to not only loose it but maintain it.
When i was reading your add you said your husband left his job to watch your investments. Right when i read that I thought you two didnt have to worry so much about money. And sure enough at the end of your article you said that... My point is your husband isnt attracted to you. He goes behind your back to be with other woman. He has so much power over you that he can get mad at you for spying and you have to deny that.(when you shouldnt even have to do that and have every right to because you are married). He buys a separate phone to call girls.. and its not like a one time thing its like every week.
I cant understand why you would stay together. It seems you arent happy. and idk who would be if there marriage was like that. The only reason I could possible see why you two are together would be for the kids. But they are gone. Now i feel the reason you are there is because of the money. The only stupid mistake you will make is if you stay with this piece of shit. (no offense)
I think you have been with him 15 years too long. You should have gotten a divorce when you found out he was going to HOOKERS!!!!! Leave him, take him to court, find a lawyer sue his ass take everything. Get out of this situation.
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