A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am very torn, and I need advise not criticism pls. Anyways I have started and an affair with one of my husbands friends. It isn't purely physical, I had some feelings for "Bob" for a few yrs prior. And now they have intensified..My husband is not very affectionate, he doesn't cuddle, we don't lay in bed together after sex and talk. The only time we have sex is when we're drunk. I am missing intimacy with my husband, and it makes me want him even less. I have talked to him many times about this and nothing has changed until we recently somewhat separated. "Bob"...the first time we were together he was extremely nervous, and actually he has been every time we've been together. But after sex we lay in bed and cuddle, we talk for hours. He always treats me with respect, treats me like a lady. And he always ask me for a kiss bye. He talks about taking weekend trips with me, or getting a hotel room for a day and just watching TV and ordering pizza. He discusses his very private life issues with me....With my husband I have the security of being married, but am missing out on feeling "that special feeling". With "Bob" I feel happy...I feel like he actually cares about my needs and wants.I feel "that special feeling" every time I'm with him. But then again I'm not sure if he is just in a "sexual affair" or if its more. Do I settle for a intimacy lacking marriage or risk "Bob" breaking my heart?
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (23 July 2012):
 At the moment the affair with 'Bob' is being viewed though rose tinted glasses - affairs are dangerous, exciting and passionate. You are getting what you have been starved of and it feels intoxicating, hence why it all feels so perfect at the moment.
But think back to when you first met your husband, I bet that was passionate and intimate too right? Most relationships in the first few weeks & months are very exciting and intimate, it is just that 'honeymoon' phase that all couples feel at first. But as you will have seen in your own marriage, the honeymoon period goes away after a while, routine and day to day life gets in the way of romance and intimacy and it always boils down to 'security'. So even if you left your husband for Bob, chances are that relationship would one day go the same way as your marriage.
So should you settle for no intimacy in your marriage? No, definitely not. Will Bob break your heart. Probably not, you probably will be the one to break his when you realise the grass isnt actually greener on the other side.
So what should you do? Have some proper crisis talks with your husband, and take it from there. But then again, part of me thinks if you actually loved your husband and cared about him at all you would never have started the affair and would have talked to him before you jumped into bed with Bob.
Yes you claim to have 'talked' to your husband about it a number of times, but was this really talking? Did you just nag him saying "I wish we had more sex/cuddles etc"? Or did you both sit down in a quiet environment and air your views in a calm manner, both giving each other time to say how you feel? I bet you have TOLD him that you are not happy, and he has hardly said a word. Which doesnt count as 'talking' I'm afraid.
Maybe the easiest way to end your dilemma is to tell your husband that you have been cheating on him with his friend. At least then the decision would be made for you, your husband would leave you and probably have a few strong words (if not punches) for his so called 'friend'. That way you wont have to worry about staying in your marriage anymore, as your husband would make the choice for you.
It isnt fair, regardless of what you want, to stay in this marriage when you have been having an affair. You have broken all of your vows, the trust has been broken and you have made a very clear display of your feelings towards your husband - clearly there are none. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot, and your husband had been having an affair with one of your friends, how would you feel? I'm sure at the very least you would want to know rather than being betrayed by 2 people that are supposed to care about you.
I think you need to come clean about the affair, the marriage will end because of that and then you can start again. I dont think you really know what you want in a relationship, you have just settled for this marriage for a long time and then fallen into an affair just because it is the easy way out - rather than dealing with the issues in your marriage head on. Now you have broken your marriage beyond repair there is no fixing it, but you will need to take time out to be single for a while and get over the end of your marriage.
You cant jump from one relationship to another otherwise you will just drag your baggage from your marriage into the new relationship. So the only thing you could do once you ended the marriage is take time out to be single for a while and get your head together - so that would mean ending things with Bob for a while.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2012): Having an affair does not make your marriage secure(you are jeopardising that 'marriage security' by having an affair)...you are puting you marriage at risk with this affair and to add insult to injury, he is your husband's friend....The guy you are having an affair with is nervous probably because he knows you are both playing with fire.
End this affair straight away and seek help with your marriage...This high you are experiencing with this affair could soon turn into the lowest of lows.
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A
male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (23 July 2012):
 because life is short and relationships are so long I am a person that need some me time between relationships. I have to fall in love with myself again before I can fall in love with another. maybe you don't need that. If I'm dating more than one woman I can never work out which is the best. I don't think its fair to make comparisons in that situation. I'm not judging you. I am trying to say that its hard to figure out what you want when there is one choice much less two. what if there was three choices?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (23 July 2012):
 Security does not make you happy, at the same time you can't be sure Bob will be affectionate with you after time. If your husband had been affectionate then the passion drizzles, you have to find out when and what changed, and look for ways to rekindle passion. A separation should be a time to think about whether things could work out, if not then a divorce. A distraction like Bob offers no long term solutions. It's just a thrill for the moment that would end as soon as you want to make Bob a reality. You should try for couple's therapy before feeling certain about a divorce.
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