A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:okay, so today i had the idea of making a fake snapchat account and adding and texting my boyfriend as another girl while simultaneously texting as the real me on my real snapchat...(i had two devices). he added the fake one and and asked who is it and i said i met him at a event and i borrowed two pics on google and used it as me...all this while we were up to our normal convo on the real snapchat. on the fake one i was persistent and told him id like to get to know him and he turned the offer down and i was happy and i kept pushing but on my real one he had texted telling me to stop txting him on a different account i should delete him off it ...i had to play dumb so i said what do u mean and he told me not to play dumb ...i made up a quick lie that it was my friend and i made some quick screenshot proof but now he wont talk to me ....what do i do...i feel guilty but i had to test his loyalty....please help
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2018): If you’re testing his loyalty, it must be for a reason. For the most part when it gets to this stage, it’s already over. Trust is very important In a relationship.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2018): I get how gut wrenchingly difficult it is to live with the suspicion a boyfriend is guilty of cheating. And you were seeking answers in a desperate bid to stop feeling this kind of anxiety, which literally eats you up from the inside out and causes you to feel depressed and numb. It is not a good place to be in.
So, I can certainly understand your motivations here. You are looking out for yourself. And perhaps you really don't trust him and were hoping he would fall into your trap so that you can end it. Maybe you were looking for something that would tell you with absolute certainty that he was up to no good. Right now you have your suspicions and they are not certain. And living with them is hell on earth. Because you think you know he is cheating but you don't really know. So you went to the extreme to try to find out. Better to find out the truth than to live with the anxiety that he is cheating on you whenever you are not around. It can be all consuming. And you just wanted it to STOP.
But, as you have seen, these traps can backfire. You may be lucky if he forgives you. He might if he loves you enough and if you are willing to make amends and never do it again. But, on the other hand lies your trust issues and they just don't disappear into thin air. You just don't trust him or you would not go to such an extreme. So, how do you overcome your trust issues while maintaining a healthy relationship? Can you? I think that once you don't trust someone, you never will. And I do think matters will only get worse if you stay with him. Eventually it will drive you both apart. Him because he cannot stand a companion who interrogates him, is clingy, anxious, stressed and worried about his every move. And you, for the same reasons, because you are stressed, anxious, and worried about his every move. Just not healthy for either of you.
You need to find out why you have such trust issues. Was it something in your past? Is it something your boyfriend does? You only know if he is trustworthy. You can never know for sure if he is cheating. But if you FEEL he is cheating. If you FEEL he is capable of cheating, then that should be ENOUGH, regardless of if he is or isn't. What matters is who you perceive him to be. If you think he is this way, nobody will ever change that perception. Not even you. I am sure you have had this battle with yourself over and over again and in the end, you always come up short. And you live in fear and insecurity.
I say let him go. I say move on. I say find a man you can trust. Life is too short to live in misery. Relationships are supposed to make us happy for the most part. We are supposed to trust our partner. We need to feel safe. And they need to make us feel safe. Clearly, you are uneasy about your boyfriend's character and/or actions. If you think anything he does is not something you can live with, then nobody can tell you that you are wrong. You are not wrong. Whatever you feel is right for you.
I get why you did it and I won't hang you. It's tough living with that kind of worry. And you just want the worry to go away and were willing to face the truth to do it. I commend you. Some women put their heads in the sand and go along with the program. He may be cheating. He may not be. But if you think he is, then he IS.
I wish you well.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2018): you made your own bed, now sleep in it. You need to stop this attitute to relationships now, otherwise you'll be doing it this way for the restof your life!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2018): Social networking services and internet providers are setting up security protections and alert protocols for internet users. So you could face legal charges for setting-up fake profiles. Please don't ever do that again!
Sweetheart, you weren't just testing his loyalty. You were setting him up and spying. That's baiting someone and it's unfair to do things like that. You have to trust him on his own merit. Don't you want to be trusted? How would you feel if someone did something like that to you?
You have to take a few chances in life. Sometimes we have to take a risk for love.
Technology may give us some unfair advantages, but we have to stay honest. It's one thing to do a background-check to research for arrests, warrants, or to determine if someone is married. That is public-information to some extent. Even that kind of overly-inquisitive behavior is somewhat paranoid, intrusive; and technically an invasion of privacy. Expected if you're an heiress or the daughter of a diplomat!
I hope he forgives you; but I don't think he should take you back. What you did was dishonest, and you lied to him on top of it. Thus the label "psycho-chick" was created.
If a guy is nice to you, respectful, and he's an all-around kind person. That's enough until you find evidence to the contrary. The old-fashioned way! That would be purely by accident, witnessed your own eyes, or a tip from a trusted friend!
You just have to wait and see if a guy proves to be consistently loyal and trustworthy. There are no guarantees in life! You don't deserve an unfair advantage for the sake of having the upper-hand! What's to keep you faithful, if you don't have anything to keep you on your toes? Being too sure of yourself based on his disadvantage is deceitful and manipulative!
I bet he didn't expect you to do something so over the top! I guess he can't really trust you now!
Let this be a learning-experience.
I wouldn't try to get him back. If he wants to, let him comeback of his own freewill. It's okay to apologize; but not over and over! Sincerely! Do not plead, make a tearful-appeal, or beg. Wait and see, but prepare to move on. Don't get your hopes up!
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 March 2018):
 Why on earth would an idea like that come in to your head? Are you insecure? Has he cheated? Why would you think to do that?
You openly lied to him and told him it wasn't you. So do you think now he could trust you? I know I couldn't. I couldn't be with someone that openly lied to me.
I wouldn't talk to you either, it must have hurt him to know he has a girlfriend who doesn't trust him and who is trying to trick him. Why are you with him if you don't trust him?
You should feel guilty and no you shouldn't have to test someone's loyalty if you don't trust them then don't be in a relationship with them.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (15 March 2018):
 As a result of your "test" you learned two very important things about him. One, he is loyal to you. Two, he doesn't do crap tests. He learned 2 important things about you. One, you don't trust him. Two you are willing to lie to him.
What did you learn about yourself? Did you learn that you are insecure? Did you learn that you need attention? Did you learn how much it would take before you could trust a man?
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (15 March 2018):
 What a ridiculous idea.
I'd say good on him for dumping you. You don't TEST anyone's loyalty, EVER. You trust them not to let them down until THEY prove they don't deserve that trust. You will tell him 'I was just seeing if I could trust you'. Did it ever occur to you that people don't like being lied to and doubted?
Quit the childish crap, you're an adult. Act like one. Let this be a lesson not to mess people around in future.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 March 2018):
 No, OP here is where you are TOTALLY wrong. YOU do NOT have to "test" a partner.
If you don't trust them, don't DATE them.
All these games are pathetic. Creating "fake" people to "test" your man is absolutely ridiculous and you know what? Him not talking to you? THAT is what you get for treating him this way.
So what can you learn from this?
Well,
#1... DON'T lie.
#2... Don't play mind-fuck games with people who care for you because it WILL backfire and leave YOU holding the turd.
#3... GROW THE F up!
You should ashamed to blame your friends for your own little messes and lie to your BF's face and think he should just swallow your shit!
Shame on you.
Learn from this or you will be one lonely person.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 March 2018):
 Why did you have to test his loyalty ? Had he been up to no good, did you suspect him of something specific? Even in this case the fake snapchat would have been a dumb idea, the best would have been either to confront him and have a a mature , honest discussion - or else to just dump him , because no relationship can last , and it's worth lasting, if there's no trust.
If you had no reason at all to doubt him, and you wanted to test him just because ... now you know that it is a very bad idea , reeking of manipulation, insecurity, controlling tendencies and all the stuff that guys hate most. As a matter of fact, he must really like you a lot to sort of leave you hanging for now. I think that most guys would have been absolutely furious and would just have dumped you on the spot.
There's not much you can do beside apologizing , and promising that you'll never do anything similar again . Once. Then let him be. Do not insist. Let him simmer down. Maybe he will decide to forgive you - but TBH it's not something that you can count on.
...............................
A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (15 March 2018):
You didn't have to test his loyalty. You just wanted to. You were found out because you aren't as bright as you think or he isn't as stupid as you think he is, and now you are paying the price. You have given enough information about yourself to let him know that you are less likeable than he thought you were. Whether he forgives you is up to him. But it'll never be the same. Serves you right.
...............................
|
