A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don’t have anyone I can ask for advice that won’t be bias in either my favor or my husband’s favor. This might be long, but I’ll try to condense this. My husband and I are both in our late 20s. We have a daughter together. We’ve been together a total of 13 years and married for 5 years. During our marriage, he has never worked a legitimate job. It’s always been sparingly working for a small business and it’s only $200-$300 dollars a week. There’s been times where he can’t work for different reasons (slow season during the winter) and then there’s days where he just doesn’t go to work for whatever reason. I’ve been more understanding of it lately because he hurt his back 3 months back and that job requires him being on his feet all day and some heavy lifting. For the most part, I handle our bills and pay nearly everything on my own and he feels this is okay because I “make more money” than he does. He is responsible for half the rent (the landlord is a relative of mine and renting to us very cheap). He also covers his own phone bill. I pay the other half of the rent, the light bill, internet, cable, car insurance, renters insurance, and gym membership. I also have a personal loan through my bank that I’m responsible for paying and about 4 credit cards that I’m trying to pay the balances on. I also pay for our health insurance for the family out of my paycheck as well as some other deductions that total nearly $600 per pay period. I also buy all of the groceries and household items that we need, even when I don’t really have the money because the bills and debt are eating me up. My take home pay is around $1200 twice a month, occasionally there is a 3rd paycheck that has no insurance deductions. I also like to keep my nails done, get a wax every month and my hair done at least once a month. I don’t feel that’s unfair, seeing that I work everyday. I also pay for most of our child’s expenses, such as clothing, getting her hair done (because I’m terrible with hair), and anything I am asked to buy for school (school supplies, field trips, snacks for the entire class once a month, etc.) Also, small subscriptions for things like Netflix, Amazon Prime, etc. comes from my account. I asked my husband about 9 months ago to cover the cable and light bill to make things easier on me and to ensure we’d have money to cover groceries, because some paychecks of mine go solely to bills to keep us current. He also ask me for money and if I don’t give it to him, I’m the bad guy. Well, he’s paid the cable bill twice since then and the light bill three times since then. I’ve expressed to him numerous times that he needs to get another job that pays more to help out his family and it most likely turns into an argument. The last time I mentioned that his job doesn’t pay enough, we argued. I asked “How are we going to increase our income?” and he just starts on this tangent about my credit card debt, saying that when he does start making money he won’t give me anything, and how if he has to go half on the bills then we can just be roommates. He also accused me of spending the money he gave me on the bills, which I haven’t received anything for the May bills at this point at all from him. I’m so lost on how to handle it. I’m more concerned with taking care of myself and my child at this point. I was thinking I should drop him from the health insurance despite the fact that he needs coverage since he’s injured right now, cutting the cable on temporary suspension since I don’t watch it and neither does my child, and cutting the gym membership because neither of us uses it and there’s a free gym for us to use close to home through work (but he wouldn’t be able to use it if I dropped him on the insurance.) He also complains at least weekly about not having any nice clothes as if I’m supposed to buy them for him. It’s like I know what I want to do, but I’m not sure if I’d just be being spiteful at this point or if it’s really logical for me to cut expenses since he won’t help. I think I’ve been patient enough waiting on his “come up”. I’ve wanted to leave and think about it all the time but I can’t afford a divorce and I don’t really want to leave. I could also hear in his voice that he doesn’t want to divorce either, but I really just don’t think love is enough to get through this. Am I overreacting or are my feelings justified that I’m being taken advantage of?
View related questions:
cheap, debt, divorce, money, period, roommate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2019): I already commented once OP, that you are being used by your deadbeat husband, but I must comment again. You make very poor judgement calls OP! First you married this guy who who refuses to be a bread winner. Then you brought a child into the world, with a man who has no ambition. A gym membership that goes unused? You have four credit cards? You get your childs hair done in a salon? You CAN do her hair, your own hair, encept cuts, and your own nails! Monthly bikini waxes? Is that one of HIS demands or just YOU living above your means? I certainly enjoy my wife with a smooth vulva too, but why not save money and use a razor every day or two? If the waxing is his demand, tell him to get a real job so that you can afford it! Maybe he does need some new clothes for job interviews. Now if he is truly disabled, he should apply for Social Security Disability, so that he will have a monthly income to contribute to the household Good Luck, and remember that your childs security must be your top priorty!
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 June 2019):
 My answer will depend on this: does he have the opportunity and health to work full time/get a job with higher salary? If he is not working full time because he is lazy, then sure. Then it is his choice to be poor. If he on the other hand does not have the opportunity to get a better job/work more, then I think you are being cruel.
You married him, so like it or not, you are financially responsible for him just like you are financially responsible for your child.
Set «mine and his money» aside and talk to him about budget and how to get money to go around. Treat him as equal. Do you really think you should be dressed up with the extras and get hair done etc, and then your husband should walk in clothes from goodwill? What is he, your manslave? I would never treat my husband like that. But if he can make more money easily and has the health and opportunity to do so, ask him sincerely why he does not. And then agree that if he works less, but does more houswork (which is equal work), share all incomes 50/50 if all expences are 50/50.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 June 2019):
 Whoops! Accidentally hit "add your answer" way too soon!
So does that mean that a WIFE who stays at home taking care of the kids is using her husband financially??
When you marry, there is no more "My Money" and "his Money". It's "our money" regardless of who brings in the income. You budget as ONE entity, the Household. If he and you both were working full time jobs, who would take care of your kid? You'd have to pay to have her cared for, and right now, your husband is a Stay-at-home-Dad. Who says that the man must go to work and be the breadwinner??
If he has injuries that make working outside the home tough, then he should stay home, raise his daughter, and cook/clean up, manage the home like a housewife does, and it's as vital of a contribution to Family Household, Inc. as you raising the money is.
He shouldn't have to ASK you for money! You should BOTH have a budget, and BOTH of you should have an allowance where you both get a set amount each month, even if it's like $100/month each where neither of you are accountable to the other for spending it.
Otherwise, have a budget as to what's spent, house payments, groceries, utils, repairs, etc. and clothing IS a necessity to be budgeted, unless you want your husband and yourself to walk around naked.
You really have a bad attitude when it comes to money, because you're playing power games with it, and that's not what it's about. It's wrong. The money you make is considered "OURS" in a marriage, not "MINE and HIS". It should be from ONE main account (even if you have smaller separate expense accounts), and you shouldn't have any more say on what to spend the money on than he does.
If he's working 2-300/week, that's 800-1200/month. And you're making him pay 50% of the rent even though his income is less?? USUALLY in a live-together/not marriage scenario, if income is disproportioniate like yours is, bills are split in percentages. If his income is about $1200/month, and you make $2400/month, then FAIR is his paying A THIRD, not a HALF of the expenses.
However, in a MARRIAGE, all of that money, the incomes AND the debts, are split 50/50 according to community property laws. Paying down your debt should be factored into the bills, and ALL $2200/month should be distributed EQUALLY.
You need to have some marriage counseling to break your extremely flawed money power game you're doing with the finances, or you will build even more deserved resentment within your husband, who is keeping a part time job PLUS caring for your daughter. BOTH of you has equal say in the budget. Give each other a small allowance, and both of you work TOGETHER WITH each other to handle the finances. It's not MINE and HIS. It's OURS. 100%. He has as much say over the income as you do. Millions of women do that all the time when their husbands work and are the primary breadwinners. It should be ZERO difference when the woman is. It's absolutely wrong when a man plays power trip with the family finances just because he's the earner. It's just as wrong what you're doing.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 June 2019):
Hold on a second! You called this man YOUR HUSBAND, right??
So does this mean that if he starts working and you became a Stay-At-Home mother,
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2019): You are being used way more, than just fianancilly! He has the nerve to say that if he has to pay his way, then you can just be roomates! This man has no love for you, or for your child. Imagine, if he has to take care of his family, then no sex for you! What a deadbeat dad!!! Why did you marry this guy anyway? I see why he wants to stay married, to you, since you are like an ATM, to him. He has never had a legit job? This BOY should man up an join the military, to be made into a man. Cut all the luxuries, like cable. gym, hair, nails, new clothes for him etc. Keep very detailed records of what you pay and what he pays, for your divorce lawyer, after you get fed up enough. Put him on notice. He can get a job in a fast food place today, if he is not a criminal. When you have a child and wife you have to shed your pride and do what a good man does! He could be a door greater at Walmart at least putting in effort! If I were the wife, he would be out of the marital bed! That is reserved for the MAN of the house!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 June 2019):
 If you plan on STAYING married you need to do a few things,
1. SET a budget and stick to it. SHOW him what his share is and what needs paid, and what you HAVE to cut to stay above water.
2. CUT all extras that you don't REALLY need. That will means HIS GYM membership ( and yours if you don't need/use it), maybe nails and you need to CONSOLIDATE those creditcards debts and STOP using them. I'd cut the cable tv too - if you have amazon prime AND netflix all you need is internet and there will be plenty to watch.
3. Saving up a little (even if it's JUST 20 a week) this is money that is NOT to be touched AT ALL.
4. STOP giving him money, nada zip zilch. WHO cares if he things that makes you the "bad guy". If he wants nice clothes, well HE can buy some AFTER he has paid his share of the expenses.
YOU have to explain to him that you CAN NOT carry the (most) of household bills any longer. One of the biggest reason marriages break up is financial issues. LIKE yours. If you WANT your marriage to work HE needs to work WITH you.
He sounds like he is still a teenager having shitty little jobs for "fun money" not to take CARE of his family.
I have to ask the credit cards did you get those to stay afloat or were they incurred when you were younger and not thinking about having to pay them back?
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (1 June 2019):
 Let me answer your last question first: you ARE being taken advantage of, and then some. And of course HE doesn't want a divorce; who would keep him in the manner to which he has become accustomed?
Firstly, and most importantly, stop giving him money. If he wants spends, he has to go out and earn the money, just as YOU do. You are not his mother. It doesn't matter if he tries to guilt trip you into it by making out you are the bad guy. Stand your ground and he will soon learn you are no longer being a pushover.
Your expense-cutting suggestions all sound sensible. Why would you pay gym membership when neither of you uses that gym? And if he wants cable, let him pay for it.
You say love is not enough, but does he REALLY love you if he sees you as a meal ticket and allows you to bear the financial burden of the whole family? Ask yourself the question and listen to what your gut says.
You sound like a kind hard-working conscientious lady. You deserve better than this. Stop letting him bully you into keeping him while he sits back and expects it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2019): Talk to a financial advisor and a therapist. He needs to find a way to contribute his fair share or you will be lumbered with this for the rest of your marriage.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2019): Guess what? I do not pay for t.v. Never have Never will.Cut out that expense right there.It is more than two hundred a month with Netflix etc.He can buy his own clothes at goodwill with his own money.And why the heck should you leave the house you own everything in it because you pay for everything.Kick his loser butt out.After you do that make sure to take him to court and get child support for your child.He has shown you over and over just who he is believe him.
...............................
|
