A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am so frustrated with my friend because whenever we make plans to meet up or go out she always cancels last minute and its beginning to really annoy me!For example we had dinner plans the other week. I went to the restaurant and got us a table at 7pm as we agreed at 7.20 she sends me a text saying she couldn't make it as her mum got a new dog and she was round there playing with it!four months ago she desperately wanted to go to the theatre to watch a comedian- nobody wanted to go with her so I agreed I would (I wasn't a big fan of the comedian but as a good friend I told her I'd go). We bought our tickets £54 each (we paid separately) and 30 minutes before I was due to pick her up she tells me she is stuck in traffic, 2 hours away and wont be able to make the show! So I lost out in £54- I didn't want to go alone and it was too short notice to find someone else.For my birthday she kept insisting we get a group of friends together and go clubbing - I told I wanted a quiet meal but she kept going on I needed a good night out. I arranged a group of us to go out and she sent me a text that morning saying she had no money to come out. I said I'd pay for her to have drinks but she said no and that we'd arrange a meal together another time.Anyway that same evening I saw that she was tagged in 2 posts- 1 at the cinema and another at a restaurant with 1 of her other friends. I then saw her friend write on the posts "thanks for treating me this evening - next time it's on me"So she had clearly lied about having no money! When I confronted her she said it was a last minute thing and her dad lent her the money!I just feel like I'm her 2nd option- if she has plans with me and then someone else asks her to do something she always ditches me!When I bought my house she insisted she wanted to see it and arranged to come over Sunday afternoon. Normal on Sunday's I spend with my parents but she insisted it was the only afternoon she could do. I was expecting her over between 1-2pm but she arrived at 7pm as she had gone Christmas shopping and then had dinner!Above are only a few examples- there are plenty more. Now the irony of it all is that we had made dinner plans Thursday evening just gone but i was ill- I couldn't even go to work so I texted her explained we'd need to reschedule and she got really funny with me and the posted on Facebook about "being let down" I sent her a text giving her some home truths about how she lets me down all the time and now she isn't talking to me!!!What's the best thing to do??
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (13 December 2015):
 I agree with Cindy here. I would become totally unavailable from now on.
She is not only wasting your money, but your time and patience too.
She chooses playing with her mother's dog over meeting up for a dinner SHE planned... The dog will be there the next day, next week, next month.... Seriously? I had to re-check the age group because I can see a pre-teen doing this, not a grown woman in her 30's.
She sounds utterly selfish and uncaring.
Glad you got it off your chest when she began her little "woe is me" trip on FB. And maybe it's a good thing that she isn't talking to you, it will be easier for you to just plain out ignore her and focus on your REAL friends.
And I agree, in the future don't bend over backwards for someone who isn't willing to do the same for you.
DO learn to say no and mean. Say what you mean and mean what you say. The whole YOUR birthday situation was as much your own fault, as it was hers. It's not for HER (or anyone else, unless they are hosting and planning it) job to decide what YOU want to do for YOUR birthday - and I would simply have said, NO I DO NOT want to go to night-clubs on my birthday - we are going out to eat. If you want to go clubbing after or instead, feel free.
So learn from this. And in the future don't let people push you around.
I wouldn't go all out and delete and block her from everything, I would go the more subtle route and just NOT be available ever again. Even if she DID apologize (which I highly doubt she would) she isn't going to change. She knows exactly how to manipulate people and she doesn't care if she alienate them, because she doesn't take any responsibility is what happens.
And last but not least, let it go. Don't spend time being angry at her (or yourself) just accept that this is who she is, that you no longer want her as a "friend" and then move on.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 December 2015):
 Oh yes, it is high time to finish this friendship. If you feel like you are her 2nd option, it's because she IS treating you as her 2nd ( or 3rd, or 7th.... ) option ,with such a blatant, arrogant disrespect as to not warrant in the least your patience and understanding.
I am a punctual person, and as for me , I'd rather flat out refuse an invitation if I am not totally sure that I can or WANT to show up where and when I am supposed to. At times I choose to be a bit flexible with some slightly flaky friends, because I realize they don't do it on purpose, they are just not very organized, they are forgetful, they tend to overcommit themselves... everybody has got flaws and all in all these people are still a positive thing in my life,even if they aren't as punctual or reliable as I would like.
But your "friend " is outrageous ! She stood you up ....for playing with her Mom's dog ?! Really ?... If this is her usual M .O., it's surprising that you aren't overjoyed and uncorking champagne, since she is not talking to you anymore !
Btw, this may be an occasion for you to reflect about how you may have contributed to this situation and see where you need to change ( People only treat us the way we let them treat us.... ). Maybe you have to learn to be less of a people pleaser and learn to stand firm by your choices. Like, it was YOUR birthday and you wanted a quiet meal, why did you give up and organize a big group outing, to please your friend ( ..who ended up with not even showing up anyway ). She will have her group outing when it's HER birthday; yours, you celebrate it the way you want, ... that's perfectly normal and has got nothing to do with being a " bad " friend, just with being someone who knows her own mind.
Same with the £ 54 ticket. Uhm, isn't it a big amount to spend for seeing a performer that you don't care about, in order to please your " friend " ? Isn't it a bit above and beyond the call of duty ?... I could understand , say, going for pizza even if you'd prefer Chinese.... but 54 £ are 54 £, it's a bit much to spend just to leave a smile on the lips of.... a flaky fairweather friend who'd never dream doing anything similar for you !
I don't know, but it sounds like that, at least with this particular person, you are stuck at a vaguely highschoolish stage of " being nice " and doing stuff for people to MAKE them like you. You know, like when you do homework for the cool, popular girl in the hope she'll give you her validation. Generally it does not work , people will either like you or will not like you independently, whether you do cartwheels to curry their favour or not. And even if one , or a few, particular individuals don't like you.... it's OK. You can't be all the world's pet !, sooner or later you are bound to meet people who will not " get " you or appreciate you as you maybe would deserve... but that's Ok too. Don't sweat it, don 't bend over backwards to accomodate them- just let them go on their merry way , and devote your time and attention to your other friends who treat you well , with kindness and respect.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (13 December 2015):
 Take her silence as a blessing in disguise and let it die a natural death. Good riddance I say.
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A
female
reader, Tottochan  +, writes (13 December 2015):
I think it's time to call it quits on this friendship.
It's really good that you finally told her that you won't put up with her behaviour any more. In your post, you haven't mentioned any situations where she was there for you and was a really supportive friend to you. But if this particular behaviour is the most dominating part of this friendship then the fact is that it doesn't seem like a beautiful relationship that enriches both your lives - hers and yours.
Anyway since you've already told her how you feel, the ball is now in her court. See whether she cools down after a bit, and spologises for her behaviour - if she decides to mend her ways, then you can think of giving this another go.
If she doesn't, then good for you that you have gotten rid of a clearly dysfunctional relationship.
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