A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello Everyone,I have been bought up very distant from boys and because I went to a christian primary school think that I should only have sex with another virgin and this should be who I marry if it happens before I get married. But now I am 16 and everyone is 'doing it' I keep worrying myself thinking 'times have moved on, I'm thinking in being old fashioned way, you will sleep with more than one person, you don't wanna be a 50 year old virgin so hurry up and do it' and I am quite a shy girl but I recently met this boy . . . I don't know him very well but he is nice and good looking and we are going out in a couple of days and I know I will have a little to drink because it relaxes me and makes me not care and I was thinking of maybe having sex. I can't discuss this with my parents but can I just have a 'one night stand'? I know it's my life but should I feel guilty about wanting to lose my virginity so I stop worrying about never losing it and I kinda want to with him I'm just shy. Any help is much appreciated
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (20 June 2012):
 I’m going to pull the mom line on you “if everyone jumped off a bridge would you do that too?” Just because everyone is doing something does not make it the right thing to do.
Part of being an adult is learning to be true to yourself and your beliefs.
You are 16/17 years old and here in the states you need to be 21 to drink.. not sure where you are what the legal drinking age is but the fact that you plan to drink to relax is disconcerting to me.
DO NOT even THINK of having sex with this NICE BOY that you have not even gone out with yet.
DO NOT do this. DO NOT. My former step daughter had sex the first time with a long term boyfriend and after they broke up she was sad that she had not waited…even though she loved him at the time.
Planning a one night stand with a boy you don’t even know is SELF-DESTRUCTIVE behavior. Are you secretly wanting to thumb your nose at your parents rules???
I promise you that you will not die a virgin. You will meet the right man later on… and you will be happy you waited…
I was free with my body and my feelings at your age and for a long time.. and now at the ripe old age of 52 while I don’t have many regrets…there are things that I should not have done…
Please don’t plan to have a one night stand… don’t look to lose your virginity just to lose it… it’s not that big huge scarlet letter so many kids seem to think it is.
A
female
reader, Fiona xxx +, writes (20 June 2012):
 I'm feeling like an old granny as I type this ha-ha...
There's more temptation and peer pressure about sex than anything else. It's easy to think you're a late developer, or somehow the last to do stuff. Always seems to be a rush to be the first to do stuff, or at least not feel as though you're the last.
There really isn't the rush that you think there is, even though that's how it feels now. It probably feels like there's a rush because some people choose to have sex underage. Those people shouldn't make you feel like you're a late developer.
I almost had sex when I was 14 but didn't. Neither of us knew what we were doing, and I honestly felt like a kid playing at an adult's game. On Monday, lads at school said to me "You stayed at .... house." It seemed as though everybody thought I did more than I did.
No doubt at school, you heard gossip like that, but like my story, some of it probably wasn't a whole truth.
I was 18 when I first had sex. At the time I was worried that if I didn't do it with him, I'd somehow not have the opportunity for sex for another 10 years.
I made him wait for 8 weeks and it was a 6 months relationship in the end. He was older and experienced and it was daunting because any sexual contact felt very different, and felt like the real thing. That's why we spent weeks building up to it. I don't think you ever feel ready as such. It's more about feeling as ready and as OK about it as possible.
Guys will always suggest sex first and want it before you're ready. It doesn't mean you have to agree, to get your first time over with. If you want it to feel spontanious and not wait too long, wait a month and then have sex. That way for your fist time, it'll feel spontanious and early on, but you'll have seen each-other a bit first.
If I look back on my teenage worries, why did I think I'd never get a boyfriend or have sex? Why did I think I wouldn't have any opportunities like that? Believe me, other boyfriends followed. In fact my friend said she was glad she didn't start having boyfriends too young, because of all the heartbreak.
As for the no sex before marriage issue: You have to feel very strongly about that to wait like that. That takes a lot of willpower and avoiding sexual contact. Or perhaps think you'll only sleep with somebody if you've been together the best part of the year. It's easy to think like that until you've been in the situation and as I say 8 weeks felt like a long time to wait, never mind this sort of waiting!
It is a life changing thing and there's no going back afterwards, because I can guarantee there'll be another person you'll have sex with afterwards.
One night stands are one thing, but not as your first time.
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (6 March 2012):
 Your sex life is your business; your beliefs are yours to own.
That being said, don't have a one-night stand just because you want to lose your virginity. It may seem like everyone is "doing it", but I assure you everyone is not.
If this guy is as nice and good looking as you say, why not just pursue a relationship? You may feel less guilty about losing your virginity to someone who you really like.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 March 2012):
Dear OP,
I have no problem with teen sex or premarital sex IF the person you want to be intimate is your boyfriend and it’s been long term and you feel special about him.
I promise you that you will not be a 50 year old virgin.
I also promise you that it won’t be all that and a bag of chips the first time.
AND I can tell you that even if they say they are having sex not everyone is.
The pressure to be sexual has NOT changed in all the years since I’ve been 16. It’s amazing.
Let’s say you have a little sister…. She’s 15 and comes to you and says
ALL my friends are having sex so I want to do what they are doing (much like all my friends are jumping off a bridge so I wanna do it too)
I met this boy recently. I don’t’ know him well but he is nice as far as I know and he’s good looking… I’m going to go out with him and drink and then I won’t care that I’m giving him my (very precious) virginity.
WHAT would you want for your little sister?
DO NOT have random sex. Save it for a fellow you are dating long term and care deeply about who cares deeply about you back.
love
auntie SVC
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A
male
reader, Cupid Boy  +, writes (6 March 2012):
 Ditto what Deagan has said. I don't know what your hurry is. If you have a one-night stand and regret it, you can never take it back, it will always be a source of guilt. But you can always lose your virginity later, and you're still a looong way from 50.
bluebelleyes, getting physical with 29 guys does NOT qualify as respecting yourself and your future husband.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): No no no no don't have a one night stand to lose your v x that statement just shows your not ready you don't lost it just because everyone else says they are when in reality their properly not x I was twenty three when I lost my v x been gone a while and it was with my partner I care about when people use to ask me if I'd slept with anyone yet and I said no they just ask how come and I said because I hadn't because I haven't been close enough to anyone to and I wouldn't just do it for the sake off it x did they laugh at me no they respecting me and treated me the same didn't treat me any different and now even though have slept with my bf does everybody know x nope necause it a private thing it completely my own business and nothing to do with anyone else x so be proud you haven't yet because it happene when your meant to not because you feel you have to
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 March 2012):
 Heads up's to Degan... When do you know you are ready? Here read this link.
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexuality/ready_or_not_the_scarleteen_sex_readiness_checklist
I had a quick look, and you don't even seem to pass the first item? Read it and come back and tell us again why you are planning to have sex.
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A
female
reader, bluebelleyes +, writes (6 March 2012):
There are sooo many things I want to say, I wish I could just sit down with you and chat; I've heard countless girls say the exact same thing! I could sit here and list a million reasons for why it's better to only have sex with ONE person in your life, but really, what it all boils down to is this.
I'm a 19 year old girl, and honey, I don't CARE what everyone else seems to think, I've had crowds of boys after me ever since grade 8, and they aaaaaaaaall know I'm waiting till I'm married for sex. I've heard a thousand times that 'guys only want sex, and if a girl won't put out they won't waste their time.' Pfffffffffffffffft, that is so not true it's not even worth arguing. You know how you can tell the quality of a guy? By his values. If you find yourself wanting to do things for him that you only want to do cause he'd like it (whether he asked straight up or pretends like 'he doesn't care',) then he's manipulative and needs to be dumped. Innocence is to be guarded, and even though guys won't always admit it, when they're looking for a serious relationship, they want a girl they can trust; and nothing says trustworthy more strongly than saving your body and respecting yourself. That says that you can put up with temptation and pressures around you without giving in; and the good guys love it. I'm speaking from 19 years of boy experience. I've been asked out COUNTLESS times, and never ONCE, ever, ever, ever, has a guy left me, or been angry at me for not sleeping with him. Yes I have been physical with boys before; 29 of them to be exact; I'm definitely not a role model for staying physically pure but I know my boundaries, and sex is off limits, drunk or sober, in love or strangers. If you don't lead him on, and are straight-up from the beginning telling them you want to wait; then it's the best way to weed out the good from the bad. :) Yes, there are lots of shallow guys who won't date without sex, but in the end when you fall in love, sex is worth waiting for. And it's going to be one hell of a wedding night. That's one present every good husband wants. :) I wrote a note, when I was 12 years old, promising my future husband I'd wait for him. And I can't wait to give it to him3
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 March 2012):
"I stop worrying about never losing it..."
Your 16, not 60, you've just become legal, so why you worrying about "never". You haven't even given yourself the chance to meet more guys and get to know them, nope the first guy you look at your ready to jump in bed and have sex, for no better reason than... "everyone else is doing it".
No-one's saying you have to wait until your married, but could you at least wait until you meet somebody who makes your head spin, makes your heart beat, and makes your mouth water. What's the point in taking of your clothes and having some strange guy you don't know rip apart your body. Smart girl's actually try to find somebody they love.
Sex is not about getting it over and done with. Sex is supposed to be fun. With someone you love, hell even someone you fancy, it can be the best thing in the world. If you do it like your planning, it will hurt a lot, you will feel disgusted and you will hate yourself when you eventually meet the right guy and fall in love. You only get one chance to do this, so why are you gonna make it so sordid? Just because your clock is ticking, at what, a couple of months past 16.
Can you wait a little while before your run out to mess up your life. Your talking about "losing your virginity", not one word about being horny, frustrated and dying to laid... Your not ready, your just want to keep up with the crowd. Your body will be dry and tight, because there is no attraction or arousal. This is the worst way to lose your virginity.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): In a few years you will look back on your attitude right now and it will seem hopelessly naive. A young woman worrying about never having the chance to have sex is kind of like a young duck worrying about never having the chance to swim.
Seriously, you could lose your virginity tomorrow at any local high school or college that has male students. It might take you half an hour to find someone willing, if even that long.
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A
female
reader, Deagan +, writes (6 March 2012):
 NO. A 16-17 year old should not be having one night stands.
Let me point out several things here:
1. Say you have sex with him after the first few dates. You will be labeled "easy" by your peers. Not to mention you will be labeled as a slut and whore. Let me tell you something, guys KISS AND TELL. And you know what? He's going to think you're really easy if he got with you on his first try. If you give your virginity to him so easily, trust me, he's going to disappear quickly. He's going to lose interest in you FAST.
2. Do you really want to give up your virginity to someone you barely know? Losing your virginity should be a special experience. You do it with someone who loves you, and someone you trust.
3. Even though you think so, not everyone is "doing it." Do not do something because "everyone else is doing it." Where is your pride? Do something for yourself, not for anyone else. If people were jumping out windows, does that mean you should do it too? Or if everyone is telling their teacher to "shut up" to their face, does that mean you should do it too? The answer is NO.
4. The assumption you have made is ridiculous. TONS of people still have the mindset that you should wait until marriage. Look at the Jonas Brothers, a teenage boy band idol-ed by girls your age, and they have promised God that they will wait until marriage. Although not as many people wait until marriage, people still want to be in love and wait to have sex. According to your assumptions, I must be extremely old fashioned!
Teens always ask, "how do you know you're ready?" And the answer is, "you just know." You know you are ready when you are not feeling pressured into it, you love this person, he/she loves you back, you trust this person, this person makes you happy, this person is there for you. You are ready when YOU are ready and not when society, your classmates or friends dictate when you think you are ready.
I don't know how you have it in your head that if you don't do it now, you'll still be a virgin when you are 50. That is not the case.
And you know what else is concerning? That fact that you mention that you need to drink a little to relax; that drinking makes you "not care." Do you hear yourself? How is that okay?
I really hope you let everything I've said to you sink in.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (6 March 2012):
 Honestly, I don't get why so many people worry so much about losing their virginity. It's no biggy at all, I know people who've lost it at 15-16 and regretted it. Peronally I lost it at 19 and it was a good experience with someone I liked so I don't regret it at all.
You hould definately get to know this guy before having sex with him on the first date, for some people that'll set off a red flag as you'll look 'easy' and that's very offputting for some guys and they won't want to pursue a relationship with you.
Just continue your life a normal, find someone that you REALLY like, so it'll be special for you. Don't worry, it WILL happen, just make sure the time is right.
Good luck.
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