A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This all happened within the space of three weeks.So, basically I was in a relationship with this guy for just over two years, we both loved each other but obviously argued occasionally, as people do. One day, he calls me to have a chat, everything is normal, then he drops the dumping bomb, tells me he just wants to be single and that he's been thinking about it for a while. I offered to visit his hometown to talk things through (we were both in different cities over Christmas) I go up to visit, just for a better explanation, he just keeps insisting that he wants to be single and that I can't change his mind. I accepted this, asked for some time and hoped that we could be friends again soon. We both go to the same Uni, on the same course, so I suggested we meet up when we were both back to avoid any awkwardness when we start lessons again. He agreed, we went for a meal together, then a walk, where he proceeded to hold my hand, kiss me and touch me. He told me he wasn't over me, that he still loved me and that he thought he'd made a mistake. At this point, I didn't want to get back with him but I enjoyed the attention and feeling close to him again (I still love him) we both agreed that this didn't mean we would be back together. We carried on seeing each other 'as friends' but every time he would initiate a similar thing, kissing, holding hands. At the same time, he told me about another girl he was texting from home, whom he kissed shortly after he dumped me. He told me that it was nothing serious and that he didn't really like her at all. Another night, we were both out at a club, where he saw me dancing with some gay men, he got very jealous and called me later on that night saying he hated himself and wanted to die. I was very worried about him, so went to meet him to calm him down and make sure he got home ok. He told me he still loved me, that I was perfect and he wanted to marry me one day. I just wanted to get him home, but he'd given his keys to his friend so I said he could stay at my house (he was in a bad state.) Long story short, we ended up sleeping together that night, and the day after when he insisted everything he said the night before was true. Although we didn't want to get back together, we both said we would just see how this was going. I asked him again about the girl from home, he told me again that it was nothing and he didn't even like her.He later texted me to tell me that he'd lied to his friends about where he'd stayed in case this girl from home found out, which obviously set alarm bells ringing. I told him that I didn't want to be a part of cheating if that's what he was doing and that it was really unfair to lie to me. He insisted that it wasn't cheating but still refused to tell the truth. We kept seeing each other for the next couple of days, and he kept kissing me and telling me he had feelings for me. Now yesterday, I called him to just say hi, and he told me he was on a train across the country to go see this girl from home, that everything he'd told me was a lie just to get to sleep with me. He said he had strong feelings for this girl, and that he had no feelings for me. He told me that it was my fault because I hadn't stopped him from sleeping with me and that I had to accept we were over now. I feel completely heartbroken, I'd accepted that we had broken up but to be lied to repeatedly just for sex? I never thought he was that kind of guy. I also feel bad for the other girl because she has no idea about what he's been saying and doing with me this whole time. It's worse because I have to see him around all the time at Uni, I feel sick thinking about them together and seeing him around campus. Basically, I feel lost and wanted to know if there was any advice out there?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, dcgirl15  +, writes (13 February 2013):
I'm going to have to agree with Sage. If you really are "worried that he truly has no feelings for me at all," it doesn't matter how you feel in this instant, he does NOT belong in your life. No matter his motivation, he did and said terrible things to you. He's not healthy.Right now, the thing that's the easiest is to get comfort from him, pretend that the wounds you received weren't bad enough to take friendship off the table, and to try to pretend that it's okay because he's still in your life in some way.Please don't do that. This guy doesn't deserve you in his life. I know this hurts really, really badly and that you might be only pretending to be okay right now, but at some point, you won't have to pretend anymore. You actually will be okay. But every day you let this guy stay in your life is only one more day until you're okay.I'd recommend defriending him. Or at least trying to find one of those websites that block certain pages from your internet and using it to block his profile o he doesn't know you defriended him. After a while you might not need it anymore.Also: he doesn't deserve your friendship. You appear to be a better person and probably a better friend than him.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 February 2013):
 You write: "My question is, do you think trying to be friends with him again would be a bad idea?"
My answer is: YES.... it's a TERRIBLE idea..... You can only dump and distance yourself from a partner by having no contact with them...... THAT is what is appropriate, here.....
You must make a decision.... EITHER you want to get away from this horrible situation... OR, you want to stay on the fringes of it (your "relationship") and continue to experience the angst and heartbreak that it visits upon you.... Your choice....
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey everyone, really grateful for all your advice and kind words. I'm still finding this situation very hard, I've done what a lot of you suggested, going out with friends more, enjoying myself and trying to just get on with normal life. However, the more I try to do this, the more I feel very empty and sad. I can't stop thinking about him, worrying if I'll bump into him, or if he's ok, if he's sad or happy, if he's moved on now. It won't stop going round and round my head.
As much as I hate myself for it, I want to be friends with him still. I miss him, all day, every day, and to talk to him properly would feel amazing. I keep checking up on his fb page (I know I shouldn't) and torturing myself with all the fun he's had, and the parties he's going to. I can't let go of him, I'm just worried that he truly has no feelings for me at all. I miss him as a friend, more than anything.
My question is, do you think trying to be friends with him again would be a bad idea? All my friends tell me that it would be, that I couldn't trust him again and I would be stupid for talking to him. Nobody can understand why I want him in my life still, and to be honest, neither can I. Other than the fact that I still love him, and don't want to let him go.
Feeling very alone and depressed right now.
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A
female
reader, dcgirl15 +, writes (27 January 2013):
Then, even if he likes her, it will probably be only a matter of time until he wakes up and realizes that she's not as good as you are. I really am sorry that this happened to you. I think it's just important to remember that you don't want to be with someone who has it within them to be this cruel to someone that they have cared about in the past. You deserve to be with someone as kind and gentle as you are (as shown by the way you came and got him from the bar and took care of him). You did nothing wrong in this situation. You were genuine, helpful, and willing to work through problems to be with someone you love.Now, you just have to view what you're going to do in the next few years as an adventure to find someone worth that love. I don't think your ex will tell many people about it because he looks like a loser in this situation. Toying with an ex who still has feelings with you for sex? What a tool. Tell a few close friends that care about you what really happened, ask them to set the record straight if anyone's gossiping, try to be the bigger person, and move on. If he's this much of a scumbag, your friends will realize it son enough. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (27 January 2013):
 I never stop being amazed by the things other people do, but we all have different morals and unfortunately other people just don't behave the way we think they should/would. It's horrible when things like this happen, the thing to do is focus on you. Treat yourself, try and have fun with mates. If he sees you make sure you look happy. The best revenge you can have is to create a happy life for yourself without him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso the girl from home is a friend of his that he's known for a few years. I always knew she had a crush on him but he insisted he felt nothing for her, even mocking her looks and weight on many occasions. I just don't get how somebody can treat somebody like this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your advice everybody! I think my main problem is the fact that I'm going to have to see him around all the time and that he will be lying to all our friends about what really happened. I feel very silly for bring 'that girl' who falls for the words to get them into bed. It just sucks that it had to end so badly, I really thought we could have been friends.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2013): He's obviously too immature for a relationship. Ex him and move on and when he comes crying back to you tell him to grow up and take a hike. In a relationship we "use" each other for mutual benefit. You wanted a relationship, he might of done, but as a typical young guy, the interest in sex with a stranger was much more compelling.
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A
female
reader, _Sandra_  +, writes (26 January 2013):
Well, he's too much into his ego. Maybe that girl from home is in the same situation as you are, he tells the same to her. He just wants to be out of any responsibility and feels love giving nothing from his end. He doesnt mind your and that girls feelings, bc he's not even sure if he has ones. He has emotions, need in love but his guts are weak to give love bc it might hurt someday.I wont advice you just simply forget him, but you should realise that he's pathetic and puts you definitely out, though God made us just for happiness. Regards,
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 January 2013):
YOu may reconcile that guys are peculiar creatures... and, when we get the chance to bed ANOTHER girl - despite our promises to a different one (you!)... we sometimes jump at it.....KNOWING, FULL WELL, THAT IT'S GOING TO SCREW UP THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP THAT WE ALREADY HAVE!!!!!
Sorry. Good luck....
P.S. When you write, "... but obviously argued occasionally, as people do." Please note that that ISN'T "obvious"..... and it's NOT what people who love one-another "do"......
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A
female
reader, AProblemShared +, writes (26 January 2013):
 It's clear that you feel strongly about him but it's also clear that he doesn't feel the same. If you allow him to treat you like this then you will only get hurt. A nice text and maybe the odd night of feeling loved by him is not worth years of unhappiness and it will affect any future relationship you have until you get over him once and for all. I know this personally and although you may still feel too sensitive right now to even want to hear this, but he's really not worth it. As cheesy as it sounds it really does get better with time. I wish you well and hope this helps at all.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 January 2013):
 Better be awkward than to be lied to for sex. Some men take advantage of the fact that you still have feelings, and would never think they will be lied to that extent.
Your ex is the reason why traditional women wait until marriage. Nowadays if women wait they will have to be single for too long. Luckily not many guys are like this. Only immature ones and those with issues.
Play Taylor Swift's Never Getting Back Together. And his girlfriend should play I Knew You Were Trouble.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 January 2013):
 Best advice... do not believe him any more. Do not beat yourself up for wanting to believe him in the first place. Our minds do interesting things for us when we are not ready to accept the truth.
His bad behavior is NOT a reflection on you or your choices... you had been together a long time for someone your age and you just trusted him.
You will have to see him at Uni... be polite. do not go alone with him... do not try to be his friend. It will hurt you too much. I never see a reason to be friends with ex partners anyway. Friendly yes. Civil Yes... but FRIENDS NO WAY.
Wish him well. Thank him for the experience and the education and move on... do not let his bad behavior ruin your life.
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A
female
reader, misLadYd..  +, writes (26 January 2013):
 just keep strong.smile even wen it hurts. With time you will get over him and the monster he is
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (26 January 2013):
I think it sometimes helps when people treat you badly during a breakup as it makes you realise you are better off with out them. You did nothing wrong, he acted badly, he may or may not realise that. At least you won't still be holding out hope and can move on. Have a night out with the girls when you slag him off and make yourself feel better!It's crap that you have to see him all the time on your course, just try to ignore him, don't let him see how hurt you are.
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