A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I just recently ended a long distance relationship.Over the summer, I had met what I thought was a great guy- truly a man and different from the rest. Although we were close in age, he was still several hours away at a military academy during the school year and I work full time. We just talked as friends for a few months, then eventually agreed we had feelings for each other and started dating. 2 weeks after we started dating, he had to return to school. The first 2 weeks were really great, so I was willing to do the long distance. We talked on the phone several times a day and constantly texted. He made me feel so loved and supported. Within 3 weeks he had told me he loved me. He had sent me pictures of engagement rings and said I was the match. I had wanted that my whole life. When I went to visit him the first weekend, I was shocked at how unhappy and tired he was. I understand a military school is way more intense than what many of us go through, but I thought me visiting would have made him happy. We had so many plans to sightsee and adventure around together that weekend, but none of them happened. We only had sex.He noted he felt bad about this, and promised next time would be different. But it never got better. The phone calls started to decrease, I would have to prod him to call me, and I had terrible anxiety when we were together. I noticed he was often very depressed and had a temper. I began walking on eggshells. He was frequently withdrawn and checking his phone or watching sports. The distance was hard for me, because I can get lonely and somewhat insecure. I mentioned I needed some words of affirmation and he refused because he said "in a few hours, it won't be enough and you'll just need more encouragement again." Our visits triggered my anxiety and consisted of little more than sex and fast food and drinking. I have been out of college for 2 years, so this lifestyle was long gone for me. I feared he had an anger towards women and generally yelled at people to solve conflicts. He said incredibly hateful things about his ex, but still would text or call her family, which really concerned me. We started dating about 8 months after she left him for another man. About 1.5 months into our relationship, I was very unhappy. I noticed nothing made him happy and if we did not do exactly what he wanted, there was heck to pay. I confronted him about my unhappiness and how we didn't really do anything together. he proceeded to curse me out and end our relationship because this was as good as it gets and he didn't need another girl to act like his ex (his words). I was devastated, but was sick of hearing about his anger towards his ex and my needs not being met. After a few days of separation, we got back together. We took it slow because he wanted to make sure I "knew what I was getting myself into". I was so happy to be back with him, but had quite a lot of concerned friends and family that I was settling for bad treatment. I've never been yelled at by any of my loved ones like that. For about 2 weeks, things were great. But it was evident he didn't see much of a need to change or compromise- if I was going to stick around, I had to deal with it. He started drinking more and more, pretending to be mad at me and send mean texts to the point I was crying but just claim it was "all joking". He would tell me to open up about work and how I felt, but he constantly demeaned by anxiety by laughing at me and also telling me some of my complaining "brought him down." I wasn't receiving the support I needed on anything. The final straw was 2 weekends ago when he invited me to come visit and stay at a friend's house. He was on his phone most of the time, texting his ex girlfriend's mom. He then left me to go downtown to bars with his friend and said he really just wanted to hang out with the friend, it was hard to juggle having me there. I asked him to put down his phone and spend time with me, but as usual, he couldn't listen to my concerns without bringing up some of his own. He said he was no longer sure if he was going to marry me and wanted to enjoy his 20s, get a career and travel. He was frustrated when I said this concerned me because I should just "have faith in our relationship and be secure"...I left that day hurt and broke up with him that night. He said he didn't hate me and that we could try to meet again after he graduated in May. During our relationship, I had seen a therapist to talk out my own relationship issues. After the breakup she had suggested that he had some verbally abusive tendencies. I fear this is true. I spent every day trying to figure out his moods, walking on eggshells, and distancing myself from my life to fit into his. It was very unhealthy. I felt an immense sense of relief breaking up with him, but now I am left with some loneliness. I KNOW I fell in love with the idea of meeting a husband and my soulmate and belonging to someone. But his selfishness and controlling ways were too much for me. I truly can't see myself long-term with him. However, I still check his facebook and wonder what he's doing. I have absolutely no desire to contact him and will not do so. But I am curious about the ex and check her facebook sometimes too. I can't help but feel like the baggage from their relationship poisoned ours and kept him from investing in us. I am doing all the things you're supposed to after a break up. Exercising, reaching out to friends and family, cultivating my own interests....I feel like I get too attached too quickly before I see the real person and they even prove themselves.I don't want to lose myself in relationships anymore. Any advice to move on best? Part of me still desires to hear from him just to have the last word/ know that he actually cares (crazy, I know.)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 December 2015):
 OK I'm not going to coddle you here...
The guy was not only abusive, he was NOT the guy you had hoped or wished him to be. This fantasy "a great guy- truly a man and different from the rest" didn't exist.
And you (like so many other women) thought that it was YOUR fault he is the way he is. And that you can "CHANGE" him in to his potential, if ONLY you love him no matter what... Truth is... IT IS NOT your fault and you CAN NOT change another person, specially not one who doesn't WANT to change.
It wasn't the baggage with his ex that poisoned your relationship. Don't put the blame on the EX. HE choose to keep her and her family in his life, HE CHOSE to treat you like crap. HIM. HIS choices.
What ruined it all was the fact that he was a total twat-waffle, and you REFUSED to see him for who he is. And who he is, is not a great guy. You lived in a fantasy la-la land, with an idea of a soulmate, and happily ever after.
1. he proposed before he even knew you. 5 weeks of dating and another 2-3 months of "friendship" doesn't constitute knowing someone. Definitely not to know if the other person is someone you want to be with for a life-time. And what happened then? he "took" it back, not wanting to get married so soon.. not being sure...
So he GAVE you a fantasy to make you think he was the "perfect dream guy". And because he had offered you the "dream" (marriage) you thought he could do NO wrong. And once you were hooked, he pulled the rug from under your feet.
Honey, you need to be a little more realistic in the future. Wanting a loving husband and a happy life is not a bad dream, but this guy showed you some really ugly sides to himself, and you were willing to "overlook" them because you were so focused/desperate on the fairy-tale fantasy. He surely was no Prince Charming.
Stop checking his facebook, stop checking his ex's facebook. Overall STOP checking up on him. Block him, delete him and take some time to get your head around to the fact that HE wasn't the "soulmate" you had thought he was, and THAT is OK.
LEARN to see the red flags, and to trust your gut. The fact that the FIRST time you went to spend a week-end with him all he wanted from you was sex and you weren't happy about it, then he made all these promises, YET he never kept them. Big red flag.
It's EASY, oh so very easy, to make promises, but it's harder to keep them. So if a guy SAYS something don't take it for face value unless he can back it up with actual ACTIONS.
Accept that you picked a rotten apple from the barrel. It looked good, it talked a good game, but it was rotten to the core.
So next time you "stick your hand in the apple barrel" TAKE it slow. Don't try and RUSH life. There is no "instant" perfect match.
LEARN your own boundaries. What you are OK with in a relationship and what you are not. In going slower with a new potential mate, you will find that HE might or might not match your values, morals and boundaries. If he doesn't DO NOT toss out yours to fit his.
And last but not least, it's OK to make mistakes when looking for a life partner. That is how you learn and how you grow. So STOP beating yourself up for not seeing him for who he was from the start. I'm sure he is good at fooling people in the beginning, he just couldn't keep up the con (his being a good guy con).
You will do better next time.
Chin up. And remember there is a silver lining here. YOU ducked a bullet of an abusive long term relationship.
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