A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys,I am going to try and keep this as minimal as I can.Me and my partner have both just turned 23, finished university last year and living with family.Now, we have been dating since June 2014, known each other for 23 months. We started off as friends and developed feelings for each other but there were a couple of issues during the start because we met whilst his ex was on a gap year in another country, they broke up when she was away, so when she came back, there were unresolved feelings towards one another which ended up in them talking again and sort of liking each other, however I was also in the picture so I called things off for a while until he got his head straight and long story short, I forgave him eventually and we tried to see where things could go between us and I'm currently with him.Before you guys think that I made the wrong decision, there was a lot of communication and understanding and it took me a few months to move on from it and even longer to trust him but I am happy with him now and he is very much committed to me and shows me that.Obviously with what has gone on, it's understandable why I'm not in love yet, but we have been in each others lives for almost 2 years and we've been through things that people so early on in a relationship wouldn't necessarily go through (things with his ex) but we did move past it and things have gotten so much better!There question here is, do you think there is a time limit on falling in love? And is there a time where you might have to give up?The reason I ask is because in my lifetime, I've not had a boyfriend, I've not experienced love, or felt that strong emotion before, I have always been a heavier girl (in my experience it has reduced the amount of guys that have shown an interest in me) and have dated guys before but things have always turned out wrong and every single guy i've dated in the past has been a complete waste of my time, and hurt me in some way.To add to that, my dad walked out of my life at 16, him and my mum were married for 30 years and he left her to be with another lady and moved country, got married, and is living with her now, and I barely hear from him anymore and my current relationship with my mum is extremely difficult to the point where I legitimately cannot speak to my mother because everything I say is ignored and she will shout and become very verbally aggressive towards me, and I understand as she's dealing with her own heartbreak and she may never get over it, but it's hard for me to take all of those things on board because I feel as though my living environment is full of negative energy. (suggestions about me moving out at my age, i've thought about it but I have many debts from university and do not have a high enough income to move out at the moment) Overall, my experiences with men and my life in general has come with hardships, I was bullied from a very young age, all throughout school, because of my weight, after my dad left, every guy I seemed to like or date, somehow showed their true colours and I was very hurt by it, and I do feel like my emotions have been damaged many times to the point where I'm scared to really feel things. My relationship with my mum and brother is tarnished, I really do try and be objective and positive but it's become very difficult, and on top of that, my boyfriend is caribbean and I'm Indian, so my mother doesn't know about us because it would cause problems, especially with the mind state that she is in at the moment, I do not want to bring her any news that will make her more negative towards me, I have spoken to my older brother and he's fine with it but even he has mentioned not to tell my mum yet.Which leads me to the whole "falling in love" question because I can see that my boyfriend is getting to that stage with me, the way he talks to me and expresses his feelings for me and just connects with me, I can tell how much he likes me, and every time I even notice it, I get petrified, and I cannot shake the feeling no matter what I do, my mind will start thinking so many different things and that point I try and avoid it, so for example, if we're laying in bed and he says something really sweet to me, I'll get nervous and won't know how to respond, rather than letting go and accepting the compliment or words of affection, I'll get extremely anxious and feel uneasy, and I won't even want to cuddle up to him after that because of how tense I'll feel. I have tried to move past this but it bothers me that I feel like this in the first place, as more time goes on, the worse it gets and I'm not sure if I'll be able to relax enough to even fall in love in the first place. What are your opinions?
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (10 December 2015):
 There question here is, do you think there is a time limit on falling in love?
Yes..... it shouldn't take more than 15 minutes. If you don't know by then..... then you may conclude that it ain't gonna happen....
Good luck.....
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 December 2015):
 No, I don't think it's "obvious" why you're not in love yet. It's NOT like people only fall in love if a b and c plays out perfectly. Ever heard of unrequited love? Yes, that's those people who are crazily in love with a person who might not even know they exist. Being rejected, or having troubles in order to be together, has never ever in all history been a reason why people do not fall in love.
Not having your brain wired to fall in love easily, that is the reason people do not fall in love. And also add in the fact that if your body isn't attracted to his, on a very basic and instinctual level, then it's not going to happen no matter how much your educated and logical mind tells you it's a good match.
But then again, maybe you're confusing the term "in love" aka crushing, infatuation, smitten etc, and LOVE. To love another human is a different thing from being IN love. By the way I don't understand why the English language haven't developed it's own proper word for this, the words are two different ones in Norwegian. Here we use a word that can be translated into something like "pre-love" for the phase hen you first like someone, are infatuated with them, butterflies in your stomach etc. While love is something deeper that you can also share with family members.
If you don't LOVE your boyfriend after two years, then I honestly do not think you ever will. If you haven't even been IN love with him yet, then I think it just shows he was the wrong man for you from the go. You know yourself best, you might be a person who takes 5 years to develop feelings, but I've never heard of such a person so I can only speak from experience. And my experience is that you're IN love from the time BEFORE you start to date someone, before you enter a relationship, and you start to LOVE after a time from 3 months to 6 months.
It really doesn't take that long to connect with another human and develop care for them if you're close. If you had a dog for two years I am certain you'd love that dog by now. Not loving your boyfriend after two years just means you are in the wrong relationship.
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