A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am seriously troubled with my wifes past and am so frusterated at the idea of living the rest of my life in anger. It is really depressing.She was my first girl friend and my only other sexual experience before her was a very humiliating experience with a prostitute at age 23. I had convinced myself enough was enough and I needed to lose my virginity because of how bad I was feeling to still be a virgin.Didn't work, as I felt worse.When I met my wife we slept together on our first date. Sex was ok and pretty straightforward.Afterwards she proceeded to tell me that it was the first time she had sex with someone on the first date and I was to not get the wrong impression.I reassured her all is fine. I was starting to feel guilty I had caused her some ill feelings.As time went by and the relationship grew stronger the topic of sexual past came up.She asked me first and I said 2.She promptly said she was 2 as well. She said she had had only 2 others before me. I meant 2 in total but changed that to 2 others as well so not to feel like she had more. This always bothered me from the get go but I somehow ignored it. Can't change it now kind of idea right.Then when I one time asked her details about the past she said one was her first boy friend and they had only done it a half dozen times and #2 was a guy she dated a few weeks then they did it, and she broke down crying and never wanted to talk about it. I let it alone, always on the back of my mind but somehow i let it go.After being together in love for 10 years and very happily married for almost 7 with 2 young kids.Then the topic came up again. How i ignored it so long is a mystery. She promptly went to bed crying.This set off alarm bells in my head, as I had for years ingnored all the other signals, happiness is bliss right.But I couldn't ignore this one. (wish i had now!)I went upstairs and asked her if she has lied to me when she told me her past.In the sickest looking grin which was the start to a major depression in my life she said yes.from there she indicated it was actually 5 and then with every passing hour or day the story kept getting worse and worse with every detail that I asked for.At first i was in shock and cried non stop for almost 2 years inbetween the crying i was angry all the time. Then I would feel bad about myself and sorry for her having me, in that if she had a guy who had lots of past himself she would feel better about herself.As I kept pressing for more truths, as I wanted it to be over with for good.Unfortuately it just kept get worse as every experience she had was a one night stand or for example sex with a stranger on the side of the road.Each one was like a knife in my heart. and with each one I was so upset and angry. Ok sorry for making this long edit if you must but to speed it up it has been 9 years since she told me and the kids are almost grown up now. teenagers.I have not gone a week usually not a day really, that I didn't feel horendous anger and pain over this. I have since cheated numerous times in the hopes that would make me feel better. maybe it was me feeling selfish about missing out.Was it that she did or I didn't or Both. But i know if it were boyfriends it wouldn't have bothered me as much. Still yes, but not as much as sex with strangers. What is it about it that is more troubling?But the lies really caused distrust. I know she has more to tell and it still really bugs me that she didn't tell me before we got married. I know that it might be wrong but the fact is I had the right to dicide what was ok for me or not. She took that right away.The bottom line is the last 9 years were wasted in anger. More guilt for me now. My kids lives were affected without a doubt, Ya I know it was wrong to carry on feeling this way but I couldn't stop being angry inside.I hate myself for it! I did try a psychiatrist and meds with no success.I pretty much do a good job of concealing the anger and avoiding the topic cause it hurts me to see her upset knowing I am still upset. Big big catch 22. I joke to myself that I should get the oscar, but sometimes i am see through.I read some of the other articles on womans past bothering the guy and how most of the advice is to let it go.Why haven't I been able to. I do love her very much still, but the idea of her still lying to me that there is more won't go away. She lied dozens of times even after she starting telling me the past. I wanted it over so i asked her to swear on our kids life that there is no more. She did and yet there was more tortute ahead. Ya know I never wanted a life like this. I was a good husband before but since all the cheating and trying to rid myself of this problem i only feel worse about it. I even told her i cheated and although she got upset she was quick to forgive.The key word. FORGIVE. I don't either know how, can't for some reason, feel insecure about what ever she has still in her secret box but simply haven't been able to do it. I find the times alone are the worst when I don't manage my anger well.I am tired or it, very very very tired and am frightened one day i am going to snap and cause irreversable damage to our relationship, or better put more damage. Our marriage is not one of trust or fun or happiness any more, I think we have stayed together for our kids sake.i want to love her unconditionally but I think that the secrets and lies did us in and with more hidden there I feel there is no hope of feeling normal again.I will never be ok, and that makes me depressed.Some advice other than to seek a dr or get over it would be nice,Should we have separated, maybe that might have helped. Might have killed us but maybe I need that to get on with my life with less anger. Although I think its there for good now?I don't know what I can do anymore, I want to die but would not want to do that to her or my kids. Again sorry it has been long but if i don't write what I feel i think i will go crazy if I am not already certifiable?
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depressed, her past, insecure, one night stand, prostitute, sexual past Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2013): I know what you are going through. I feel very much like you. If I had known that my wife was such a slut I would have never married her in the first place. I guess I have become verbally abusive and make sure she knows that she trapped me in a life that makes her happy but not me and if it wasn't for our 3 children I would have left her long ago
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male
reader, swinchicore  +, writes (16 May 2011):
i would like to respond to these post in full, but am quite drunk atm, so just want atm to leave a kind of footprint, more than anything elsei have the same problem- ehnce being up in the middle of the night drunk,briefly, i have been with my partner for 12 years and have known much about her past since the start, but details and greater knowledge have jumped me in the last few years. it has been very difficult to cope with. we now have three children and the idea of leaving is almost an impossibity as i enjoy everyday contact with my boys so much i could'nt entertain the idea of not being in their everyday life, plus i do love her in the way that i would want to love my life partner.a major part of my problem is my past, that is my father's absence and my mother's dealing with her next husband and the sex between them. another factor is the sex between my partner and me - when things are good, sexually, things are better in my head - atm things are poor sexually, because we have three young children. things is a bone of contention. i think the phrase could not be more apt.all i can say now, in my drunken state, is that i sympathise - it is very tough - a lot of what is have read here resonates with me - i will reply in full later on, but i just want to say that you are not alone, and that things are also dependant, at least for me, on the quality of our sex life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2009): Wow, I'm glad that I haven't grilled my wife over her past!
Consider this: she may have slept with so many people because of something that happened to her as a child.
If you love her and still can't get over this I would seek therapy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): Of course it hurts. It hurts because you were supposed to hear the truth about something that was important to you, so that you could make your own decision about this woman all those years ago.
Instead, you got emotionally manipulated.
She told you one thing because it worked better to get you in love with her, and then eventually told you the truth after you were too attached & committed to be able to back out. That is emotional manipulation.
So now you have no way out. There is nothing you could do that would not leave you feeling hurt & guilty and horrible inside.
Of course cheating on her didn't help. Nothing will ever help.
The right way for you to deal with this situation is not to get lied to in the first place, and that way you are responsible for your own choice to be with (the real) her. But that was not an option she gave you.
I do not agree with how you handled it with the cheating, but I also don't think it's a situation you should have ever been dealing with in the first place.
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reader, Aeval  +, writes (31 July 2008):
 your not well in the head are you?
Sigh, leave her.... for one reason, she deserves a real man one who is much better at looking at things with a level of maturity and grown up understanding.
The past is past.
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reader, rproctor  +, writes (29 July 2008):
Wow man, what is worse: that your girl slept with a few douche bags or that you have spent the past 10 years in a mental prison because of it??? Do you know that you think about these guys 1000x more than she does, or probably ever has? Did you know that none of these men are in her life today? Did you know that your wife didnt lose anything to these men, that she didnt give anything to these men that she hasnt given you 10 fold. This is your wife man, this is the mother of your children, the woman who you have built so much more with than any of those flings in her life.
Sometimes it helps to take a step back, and realize what it is that you 1) have built with your wife, and 2) what you have to loose with your wife. What you and your wife have is special, nothing to compare to anyone else, or any previous liaisons. Where those men fell short, you obviously succeeded, and continued to do so. In fact, all these years later you two have created a family and life together that is more complex, more meaningful and more in depth than anyone else has ever given her. Do you really want to lose all of that, because of something that happened all those years ago, before you, before your wife even knew about you, or about the beautiful children you two would have together.
Obviously, your answer is "no", you dont want to lose it, or else you wouldnt have stuck it out all these years, be coming to this forum looking for help, trying to resolve this issue. Its funny though, because you spend all this time torturing yourself and your wife but all the while, the answer to your problem is right there in front of you. Everyone tells you to get over it, because... Well... Thats the answer. You come seeking an answer, and that, my friend, is the answer. The only problem you have, is the problem that you are creating for yourself.
You know, your wife could turn this all around on you... You slept with a prostitute, I mean, regardless of reasons, thats pretty dirty. This is my opinion, but while we are judging, I would have to judge that sleeping with a prostitute is 10x worse than having a one night stand... I mean... I just dont get it... But, not only did you sleep with a prostitute, you betrayed and cheated on your wife, the mother of your children... So think about this, how can knowing your wife had sexual encounters with a few people way back when you two were not even together, make you more angry than knowing that you cheated on your wife... If anyone here is at fault, its you... I think, maybe you should stop focusing on the mistakes your wife made, and focus on healing the wounds you have made in this relationship.
I dealt with it, a lot of people have. It sucks man, really I sympathize for you because no one likes to know that the woman they love has been so casually fucking others. But here is the kicker, thats how life works. People get into relationships, they get out... Sometimes people get horny and they fuck. Sometimes people get drunk and make bad decisions. Sometimes people think they are in love and act as if. Its the nature of life & relationships.
Look man, there is no other answer than letting go of your wifes past. You wont ever be happy with it, no one is. Any man that can say he is happy his gf fucked 10 men before him is full of shit, or does not really love the woman. It sucks, really it sucks. Its a twisting knife in the gut that slowly but constantly tears away at you. I know, I was there. I dealt with it. Sickness, depression, vivid thoughts, hate, anger, jealousy, everything. But look, those things are in you that you control, not your wife controlling them.
If you step outside of this, and look at it from another perspective, you might realize how foolish all of this actually is. The cheating, lies, anger, jealousy, all of it! Its so stupid. YOU WASTED ALL OF THOSE YEARS OF YOUR LIFE FOR NOTHING! NOTHING! How many more years of your life are you willing to waste and destroy because of your own ego? Dont fall for it man, dont let it consume you any longer. Your answer, is right there, it always has been.
Every morning that you wake up tell yourself that you love your life, and you love your wife. If you guys have not done anything together in a while, then make plans IMMEDIATELY to do something, go somewhere together, something, anything. Just do it together, and do it in happiness.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): Thank you all for your comments. I was completely floored by the number of responses. I wish I had found this web site 9 years ago. Each person I have connected to in person or online has had nothing but critisism for me feeling this way. Like I somehow brought it upon myself intentionally. I have never said I am without wrong. However the feeling I have are real.
The comments to get over it or the past is the past really don't help. If they did I would be so good with it all cause I have heard them dozens and dozens of times.
I want to write more as this process in itself is satisfying to a degree in that I have finally found someone to connect to that has similar experiences and has some understanding. Some of you have no understanding but that is in itself understandable as until you walk in another persons shoes how could you? Fair enough I don't necessarily agree with those comments but can see how you would feel that way.
This is all I have time for right now but wanted to not wait to thank all of you for offering your help. I plan to contact some of you direct through this forum if that is ok.
In parting for now, you have no idea the relief I have right now just knowing I am not alone with my problem. I felt so alone that why could I feel this way and nobody understand me?
Thank you
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reader, vroom  +, writes (28 July 2008):
Good advice yos to me and any other guy in this situation. thanks.
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reader, Yos  +, writes (28 July 2008):
 You have my sympathy. As you can see, that's not something you'll get from many people. I don't think anyone can empathise with you unless they've been in a similar situation themselves. I've been there, I know how utterly overpowering and painful these feelings can be, and how hopeless escape seems. I also know how comments like 'the past is the past' are utterly ineffectual in helping you find a way out. I also understand how you can feel justified in doing the things you did (although you of course know they are not justified). I've been there too.
I suggest you look in my post history. I have responded to men in your situation many times. You should take some solace at least that you are not alone: this is much more common than one might think.
Reading your story, I think you should focus on several specific things:
- You need to let go of the need to 'forgive' your wife. Forgiveness implies she did something wrong, and she didn't. Her 'lies' were lies of omission, and done for good reason: self protection. As you can now see it would have been better if she had never told the truth. You have to let go of the need to forgive so you can let go of the judgement that she did wrong. One needs the other.
- You need to stop concealing your anger: you need to not repress your emotions anymore. Anger is a cover for more complex emotions (mainly jealousy and fear), by not letting your emotions out you are just converting them into anger and learning nothing. You're not moving on. You have to say to yourself: "It is ok that i have these horrible feelings, I have to accept them and feel them fully". Just let go and let them hit you full force.
Why do I say this? Because the place you need to get to is the other side of those emotions. You have to fully accept them so that you can move on. You can only do that by allowing yourself to experience them. It wont be easy, my experience of this left me crying and shaking for hours on the floor, and experiencing intense hour-long panic attacks. Truly the most horrible and frightening experiences of my life. But it was necessary.
Once you have done this, you need to teach yourself to not connect your rational mind to these emotions. What is happening to you is a form of obsessive compulsion. These emotions are triggered, and in turn you start obsessively thinking about them, which in turn re-trigger the emotions. You are caught in a loop that never stops.
The way out is to allow these emotions, always, but to not think about them. Experience them, don't avoid them, and then when they come, don't allow yourself to think about the 'why' or the 'what' of them. Don't connect them to anything. It's the same principle as re-establishing your concentration when meditating. It's not easy, but it is something that if you keep practicing you can get better at. Break the link between the emotions and the thoughts, instead of trying to repress the emotions themselves.
What you will find is that, once you can experience the emotions without connecting thought to them, you'll no longer fear them. They'll come, they'll hurt, but they'll pass quickly. Over time, each time they come, you'll be less afraid as you'll know you can experience them without getting stuck in that torturous loop in your mind, and because of that they'll hurt less and fade faster.
Eventually you can get to a place where they no longer bother you. That's not to say they'll go away: they never will (you will never like your wife's past, or feel good about it), but the haunting thoughts, the anger, and the negativity towards her and the damage to your relationship will be gone. All you will have is the occasional surge of negative emotion (jealousy primarily), that will come suddenly, but then go quickly.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): Yes those of the right guys to help you out... Thanks Trish.. I'm off, I don't have much experience with this type of thing. Blessing to you all, good luck and take care.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 July 2008):
 Hi, I'm not going to tackle this question directly other than to suggest to our poster that you either PM 'troubledtoomuch' or 'yos' with your situation; they've been through this and have worked it out in their own ways. You could also search through their profiles to find previous posts on this similar topic.
Here's one that I think might be of some use to you.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
I hope that you find the help you need. Take care.
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reader, vroom +, writes (28 July 2008):
Thanks for your support diovan.
I am not over it yet , its only been 5 weeks.
I like this poor guy kept asking for more info so that I could understand what it was I was fighting against and to get to a point where I no longer thought that the deceet was still going on.I felt a huge weight come off my shoulders when atlast I didn't think she was lying anymore.
However the consiquence of knowing it all gives you more vivid recreations of what your loving wife was doing before you, this I think wouldn't have been a problem if it all was aired at the start of the relationship.
People of the world please tell all before you commit your life and they with you, the wash comes out very messy and the water is dirty if you leave it just to go on and on and on.
I am trying hard with my wife whome I love dearly but I am in no doubt that this has put a barrier between us emotionaly,sexualy, and in trust.I feel a slight improvement with time so I am looking to move on from this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): I went looking for a post for you, by one Uncle who I know beat this with the help of his wife... I couldn't find it, but I did find this from a professional called Athaliaorg, first post a the top. The situation is very different, because this wife cheated and had an affair whilst married... but maybe the suggestions on how to tackle it might help, maybe you can contact Athaliaorg direct for further advice. Maybe it will help Vroom as well. I remember his problem from earlier, and it's sad to see it hasn't gone away.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-levels-of-detail-would-you-want-to.html
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): Thanks Vroom,
It's good that you have some understanding about this man's problem. What did you do to get over the lies and distrust. What helped you sort your relationship out?
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 July 2008):
 Okay in this situation I would only ask you, will you be happier with her or without her? If the torment will stop if you leave, then do it. I can't see your feelings about her past ever going away no matter how much you say you love her.
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reader, vroom +, writes (28 July 2008):
Hi,
Tipical answers from people who do not understand. some are well intentioned but others seem to like to cause more pain.
I am going thru the axact same problem as you, you are not alone. My wife told me she was a virgin when we met , 25 years later she decides to tell the truth. when I asked for advice on here I was mostly told to ... grow up , forget, nothing to do with me,whats wrong with me. it has since come to my attention after also making her swear that she is not lying anymore (on the kids lives) she came out with another name. I went from her main man the taker of her virginity to number 4 in the line. after 25 years of her constantly telling me I was the only one this realy hurts. take a look at ...my virgin bride , you will see I am just like you. some better advice on it too. good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): Sorry babes, you are crazy..... You've tortured yourself over nothing for 9 long years... Your angry she had sex with a stranger, but you had sex with a prostitute, a stranger who you gave money to. You've cheated on her many times, and still your angry. Doctors don't work, medication dosen't help, you can't let go, well that's alright. It's how you feel, stop torturing yourself this way. You need to get a divorce and then this thing won't bother you anymore. Don't worry, your wife will understand and the kids will be happier when their dad is not so sad. Take care of you, and keep well.
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reader, BigSis +, writes (28 July 2008):
 I agree with everyone else.
Her past is past, get over it. Stop tormenting yourself, life's too short, be there for them and appreciate your wife, and especially your kids, it's not their fault.
Now behave and grow up.
: )
BigSis
xXx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): I slept around before I met my husband.Because of my past I felt I wasnt worth much and that was the way to get love.Now that I am with a good guy I love, I finally understand that I am worth more and never cheated on him.If I could go back, I would erase my past. But I cant.I am so grateful that he does not hold it against me. But he is happy in himself.Dont hurt her anymore. It will not make you happier.Concentrate on what you like about her. How she has stood by you.WE all lie at some stage.
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reader, rcn +, writes (28 July 2008):
 First, why do you feel that your past should have been equal to her past. Everyone has a past. Your relationship is about the time you met on. What took place before is not what your relationship should be based on, but your making it that issue. You can forgive her for her lying. Her past doesn't need to be forgiven because it's not a violation against you. You have to forgive yourself for your actions while you were married. For treating her poorly because of her past. This was not right for you to do. You married her because of who she is, not what she did prior to meeting.
Now about cheating on her these numerous times. It's time to come clean to her about this behavior. The guilt you hold needs for you to do so. To think cheating would have helped is the same as believing that drinking makes problems permentaly disappear. All you did was take the problems you have and piled additional problems on top.
You need to start seeing your wife with the love you say you have for her, instead of judging her for what happened before you got together. She's the same person you decided to marry, but your treating her way less than how you would if she had no past. She doesn't deserve that, and you have no right to do so. And no more cheating. If it were your wife I was talking to, I'd wonder why she's not filing divorce papers with your behavior.
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reader, Dr Vendetta +, writes (28 July 2008):
 Ok. this is gonna leave a mark.Big deal she didn't tell you about the sexual acts she'd done. just because you married doesn't mean you own her and the exclusive rights to her past.ok big whoop you slept with a hooker. wooo. personally i think sleeping with a hooker is worse than having a one nighter.And your bright idea to fix things was to cheat on your wife...who forgave your cheating while you're bitching that she had sex BEFORE MEETING YOU.You need to stop being whiney. you have a family. and Wife who for some unexplicable reason loves your cheating home-wrecking ass.i know its easy for me to say shut up and deal with it. but honestly?Grow up. you're lucky to have her.
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reader, Replacement +, writes (28 July 2008):
 Why are you so angry? She never cheated on you, she was a free gal doing what free people do- have sex with whomever they like. She didn't (and doesn't) owe you anything.
Why did you badger her so much about her past? Why was it so important that you know everything? She may be your wife, but that doesn't make you entitled to everything about her. She is allowed to have secrets. And I know you've probably heard it before but the past is the past, and more to the point, it is HER past and she was not obligated to share it with you. YOU dragged it out of her. Why torture yourself like that? It had been over for many years before you even asked, so why was it so important to know? I can't get inside your head and figure out why you really needed to know... other than the fact that you have serious insecurities.
Anyway, your anger is not justified. However, she should be angry at you, because you cheated on her, and she's had to put up with your crap for a long time... You put her at risk for STDs. She may have lied about her past but christ, given your reaction I can understand why.
I am AMAZED that your poor wife has put up with your anger for as long as she has. You say you're staying together for the kid's sake? Don't bother. You're doing them more harm than good by subjecting them to years of tension and anger between the two of you.
I don't think you need to get over 'it', I think you need to get over yourself. She had sex before you, so what? You were free to do the same if you had chosen to. I feel sorry for her, she's had to deal with you making her feel ashamed about her completely normal sexual past for years.
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