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I caught him having cyber affairs. how do I deal with my cyber surfing husband?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating, Online dating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 April 2011) 3 Answers - (Newest, 22 April 2011)
A female United States age 30-35, *rooke0887 writes:

Ok I'm 23 and my husband is 43, we will be married a year in May 2011.

We met on a online hookup site, yes I know it sounds bad but I had just been divorced a few months and joined and out of all the guys I chatted with he was the only one who didnt seem like a pervert and I agreed to meet and we've been together ever since.

I deleted my account on that site soon after we got serious and noticed he had logged on that same day.

it botherd me!

I said something to him about it and he deleted his. I found out in November he had opened another account with another singles site when I went to visit him while he was working out of town. So I went through his phone finding numbers of 2 women he had been talking too, and what really hurt was on the bill I seen where he would txt them for a hour or so then call me! I confronted him and of course he denied it till I told him I actually had the bill printed on paper. Told me he was sorry and it wouldent happen again, I believed him till this week.

He went back out of town to work, and the day he left I started snooping again. Wishing I hadn't have now...

I found out he was on 3 more hookup sites, recently opened and had been txting and calling other women as soon as I would leave the house sometimes, I was even more hurt, devastated!

He was doing it again! I printed multiple copies of everything, but hes 2400 miles away and I had to confront him over the phone. I asked him why was he doing it again, I asked him was I not giving him enough attention, was the sex still good to him etc.

He said he swore he had never met any of these ladies just chatted txted and talked on the phone, but I know it was cyber sex, sexting, and phone sex. He said he felt old and still needed to know he was wanted and it boosted his confidence, and I was doing everything right! But talking to other women online made him feel good. Is he going through a midlife crisis? Because there all around my age. I believe him when he said he as never physically cheated, but this hurts to me almost as bad as that would. He said he wasnt in to porn, that interacting online with another woman was what got him aroused. I dont know how to deal with this. I'm an independent woman with a great career, we dont have children, we both have great jobs, but I dont want to divorce him, I still love him.

Someone please tell me some things I can do to get him to stop, and trust him again, and make our marriage work!

View related questions: affair, confidence, divorce, phone sex, porn

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A female reader, maverick494 United States +, writes (22 April 2011):

Why are you jumping from marriage into marriage again? Especially at your age. Marriage is supposed to be between people who connect on a deep emotional level and truly love eachother. It's not something to be taken lightly or simply jump into. You've already had a bad experience. Picking "the only guy who didn't seem like a pervert" on a dating website doesn't sound like a good choice for a second marriage to me. Not to mention he's practically twice your age.

I would leave him as soon as possible and stick with being single for a while. You may love him but he obviously doesn't love you, not really. A loving husband would not do this. Please get out of this situation and re-evaluate your life. You really need to set some standards and boundaries for yourself and don't automatically settle for less when you can obviously get someone much better.

Why work on a marriage when it's a lost cause anyway? You'll only get hurt, again.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (22 April 2011):

YouWish agony auntOf course it bothered you! Your husband is cheating on you. He's not merely watching porn, he's connecting with other women. He's getting off with other women. He's maintaining sites designed to get people in touch with each other.

The man is a serial cheater, meaning that he's not going to stop. He is addicted, and as long as he's justifying it to you by saying things like "it's not porn", or "I just do it to feel good", he won't quit. I'm guessing he never stopped after you caught him the first time. He'll just be better at hiding it from you.

If a hot 23 year old wife doesn't make him feel good, young, and needed, and he has to skeeze all over the internet for his jollies, then there's no hope. He has an empty hole that no sex, no online fun, no wife can ever fill in him.

You have a choice. If you stay with him, you'll have to ACCEPT his cheating. Yes, that means that you have to accept that he runs off with other women. Online, eventually in person (I'm guessing it's happened already), it won't stop. You'll have to not feel bad that he does it. You'll have to only rely on the delusion that he loves you as much as you love him.

OR. You can leave him. Find a guy who is satisfied and ecstatic that he has you. You cannot fix your current husband. Only he can do that. And you don't need to be miserable to love him. There are plenty of middle aged guys who don't need to cheat in order to feel good about themselves. Some who have a mid-life crisis change their careers, or indulge a new hobby, or hit the gym and take on a new personal health initiative. or update their personal appearance.

As tempting as it is to try and fix him or love him out of his addiction, it's not going to work. You've been married for less than a year. His ways are set. Do not stay because you feel that divorce is failure. Unless he's willing to go cold turkey, get some counselling for his sex addiction, and really change himself from the ground up, this won't work between you, and you'll be absolutely utterly miserable.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (22 April 2011):

janniepeg agony auntHe did what's satisfying him but you aren't satisfied because you stick to your own code that you would remain faithful. It's important to make money with whatever means. If he must work overseas then it's unfair that he keeps you as his wife while he fulfills his masculine needs outside. I don't think you can get him to stop. Don't feel bad about ending this marriage. You went from a bad marriage to another bad marriage. Maybe the mistake is getting attached too soon. This is his way of relating to women because his career only allows him to do things cyberly, and he just got lucky that you wanted to marry him. I think you have to set your standards higher. No perverts, has a good career, doesn't work long distance, no addictions to chatting online. You are very young. Life is too short to snoop on your husband while being sexually frustrated. You don't have to settle for this guy.

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