A
female
age
30-35,
batfink
writes:Ok, deep breath, here we go. I'm in a lot of pain at the moment and don't know where to turn so I hope someone out there can help me.I've been married for nine months. Three years ago when we were due to move in together I found out that he'd been using his ebay account to buy Porn, I was mortified, we rowed and he swore he was buying it to sell and that he didn't look at it and that was all there was. Not happy with this I decided to check everything he had on the computer and found there was a lot more on other accounts and that he's been looking up stripping sites. We fought again, it nearly finished us, mainly because he'd lied to me and been deceitful. However, I forgave him and we moved on and got married. He swore to me that he would never do anything like this again.Four days ago I tried to log onto my PC but there was a problem with my account so I logged onto his account (huge amount of faith for me to allow him his own account but I wanted to show him I was able to trust him. What I found left me in tears. Porn, lots of it, some of it quite violent. His browsing history showed hours and hours and hours of porn surfing, adult dating sites, live cam chat sites, strip club and lap dance club sites with addresses that are local to our home. The PC also remembered two e-mail addresses he's typed in that I was unaware he had. I went absolutely mental. He admitted to using the PC to look for porn (could hardly deny it could he), admitted that he did it when I was at work (I work shifts so he's often home alone). I've recently been promoted and really needed his support. Over my first night shift I was coming home to mess and dishes. He admitted that instead of tidying up he was looking at porn and then lying to me about having an early night. He swore blind he hadn't used the cam sites as you have to pay for them so I demanded to see his bank statement (he's not got a good history of being honest really has he) and this was the biggest revalation.I saw large sums of money going to a pay as you go phone. I asked where it was and it was hidden in his wardrobe which is next to the PC. I demanded to know what he was using it for and he made up some rubbish not even worth repeating and I didn't believe him, I said I though he was using it to call sex lines and he denied it saying he wouldn't do that. The following day I asked him again several times and finally he confessed to using them twice a month, basically as soon as I was out of the door for a late shift leaving him at home alone. He's spent a lot of money on them and then had the cheek to ask me if he could reduce payments to out joint account as he was hard up.I'm devastated. Yesterday I broke down at work and had to be driven to a friend's house and stayed the night as I couldn't face him. I got massively drunk and told my friend everything and she was shocked. She thinks a lot of my husband and couldn't believe he was doing this to me. He picked me up from there this morning and we've managed to talk without me yelling and screaming and he's admitted that he's been using the sex lines for a year which means he was doing it while I was planning our wedding and while we were newly weds. God. Gutted.Our sex life, which has never been great, has gone really downhill of late. I't been about a month since we had sex, he's always tired (or so he says) and never fancies it if I initiate it, we only do it when he feels like it and I'm lucky if that's once a week. Is this because he's getting satisfation elsewhere?I can't tell you how awful I feel. I've only had a few hours of alcohol fuelled sleep since then, I feel strung out, emotional and massively massively betrayed. How could he do this to me? I don't know the way forward now. I feel like every time he picks that phone up to call another woman to have phone sex, that he's cheated on me. He does not believe that to be cheating but I do, I don't know if anyone else does. It's such an intimate thing to do with another person, it should only be me but he won't talk dirty to me .... just them.Advice please. Has anyone experienced this? Can our marriage survive this? Can I forgive him? I doubt I'll ever EVER trust him again and I don't know what else he's been up to especially if he can hide the phone thing from me for a year. Even if we recover I don't think I will. I have low confidence anyway and he's never been good with compliments, not I feel like the least attractive thing to walk the earth as I obviously don't 'do it' for the one man who I should 'do it' for most.Sorry for such a long post, any replies would be appreciated.Oh, and he denies going to the strip and lap dance clubs ........ should I believe him?
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at work, cheated on me, confidence, drunk, lapdance, money, phone sex, porn, sex life, violent, wedding Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles :(I hesitate to give this advice because I believe 100% in the sanctity of marriage, and it is not something to be thrown away lightly - but I have to admit, reading your story, every part of my just screamed "Get out, and now!!" Obviously I don't know you or your husband but to an objective person with the bare minimum facts, that's how it looks to me. You seem like a sensitive, bright person and there are so many wonderful men out there - it doesn't sound like your husband is in a place, mentally, where he can be in a relationship.This guy has deceived you, spent your money - it is an addiction and he needs help. Nobody can tell you what to do, but please whatever happens, do not let him try and turn any part of this around on you, and don't let him try and drag you down with him into this mess he has created. Either way, it's going to be painful, but I hope you work it out. Just try and take something from the experience in the end.
A
female
reader, batfink +, writes (9 May 2008):
batfink is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much guys, I'd never thought of it as an addiction before. I sat and talked to him about him and he refuses to accept it's an addiction even when I pointed out that, once he admits the addiction we can get help. He walked out last night to stay at a friends so that HE can get his head straight!! I have now found log ons to web chat sites which he swore he hadn't touched and some major discrepancies on his bank account, he could be spending up to £200 a month of porn. Until he makes admissions I can't help him and to be honest, now I've found evidence of more lies I'm not sure I want to. Knowing how devastated I am we sat down for an 'honest conversation' and I've found that a lot of that wasn't true. I just don't know what to do with myself.
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A
female
reader, Irish49  + ♥, writes (8 May 2008):
 Oh gosh...I am so sorry for your pain and heartache, hun. I have answered this question on this site before, so I will tell you what I have told others.Before I do that, I will state, hands down...I concur fully with the other Aunts below---your man has a "pornography addiction" and this insidious, addiction has become a monumental problem with many, many relationships and marriages, nowadays, since the onset of the internet. Gone are the days, where a person had to face the cashier at the corner drug store, buying porn mags. They can access it at home, faceless and anonymous. *sigh* And now, marriage counseling offices are packed with couples enduring the same problems as you are.
Pornography addiction is very serious, hun, as is drug/alcohol and other addictions. The problem is not you, it's him and his weaknesses. As is the case with any addiction, it is imperative that the he “owns” his addiction. His behavior belongs to him and he is in control of his own behaviours, thoughts and choices in life. Even if one's marriage is one that is wrought with other unspoken problems – problems that make intimacy difficult -that's still not an excuse to use porn. For one thing, porn never satisfies. It may give the illusion that it satisfies, but the reality is that it never satisfies the need that is at the root of the pornography use problem. It only sparks the desire for more of the same.
So now, it's crucial.. that you look after yourself, because he will not be able to look after you, emotionally or in an intimate way and if he continues, it will worsen. You will become very unhappy. You will become like a sentinel, the trust will be shattered and it will get stressful. You will need to be tough, get back that self-confidence, your personal courage and convictions, to deal with this. You need to find 'that part' of you because it will help you cope with what is to come. He is fighting an addiction and addicts, no matter how much we see the goodness and lovability, they will manipulate, they will lie and be very sneaky to get what they want...that fix.
If you are writing in for advice, I have to assume you want to 'save' this marriage. He needs help, sweety. It's out of control. And even then, there will never be guarantees he won't slip. This will be a inner battle for him, for a long, long time because pornography is extremely addictive, and some people become desensitized to 'ordinary' porn and move on to dangerous deviant images of porn. Pornography can dehumanize the addicted individual and reducing their capacity to love in a caring, meaningful way.Then you'll need resources. Get some help. Ask you family doctor, your pastor...to refer you to a marriage counselor. Go on your own first, to get their insights and opinions on what this will do to your future marriage and how this will all play out. Then join a support group. There are millions of other spouses going through this pain. You need the support. Then above and beyond his addiction counseling, he will need marital counseling as well.
Next, if I were you, I'd work on your strength, your self-assurance, your resolve and stay the course. You will need that strength to cope and to take a stand to letting him know what he stands to lose if this addictive behavior continues. Boundaries need to be laid out and consistantly followed through by you. You really need to do this, Don't passively stand by and feel lost and hurt. Get moving. Boundaries are so crucial...they teach others to respect us and it teaches them, what we won't tolerate. Tell him you are getting rid of the internet connection, his porn movies, and he goes to counseling. If you don't do this and he continues disrespecting this relationship, you will never be truely happy in the long lasting sense. This will erode your soul and this relationship will eventually blow up. Do what is best for you...right now. He has to help himself--he has to face it head on.,,.. before you can even hope to have a healthy, loving marriage and family with this man. It's a tough decision, and I am sorry. There is no other way.
If he refuses to get help-walk out and leave before he drags you down into the hell he's gotten himself into. And please find that support group you can get involved with. You will need to heal from this horrible experience. And remember, not all guys look at pornography--I know many, many committed married family men who respect and adore their wives and just simply don't do bring porn into their relationships. So if anyone tells you...all guys do it...that is a big scam. Good luck and god bless
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A
male
reader, LonelyTwo  +, writes (8 May 2008):
It sounds like he has an addiction. He should see someone, he may have past emotional scares, and he has convinced himself that this is a way for him to satisfy his needs, whatever that may be. You need to get him to seek help, you do not want to be a part of his rehashing of his emotional reasoning, for it will bring you down. When he has improvement with a counselor, then maybe then, you can participate. We all have needs, and when they are not met, we participate in activities that seem to satisfy our immediate needs, but it never satisfies the core problem or deficiency. We all are human, and prone to these activities unless we realize the cause, the need and can control them.
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A
female
reader, Jen86 +, writes (8 May 2008):
It might be that he's addicted to porn (it can happen). Ask him to seek help with regards to it as all off the stuff in your post points to an addiction: deciet, denial and lying. I wouldn't believe that he hasn't been to these clubs as he has lied to you about other things.
To rebuid your trust i would seek marriage councelling. You could try to stop the internet connection by speaking to your supplier. Also get rid of the pay as you talk phone as well. Hopefully this should help.
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