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I bought a house with my boyfriend, am falling out of love and have fallen for a man on the other side of the world

Tagged as: Faded love, Friends, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 August 2017) 9 Answers - (Newest, 15 August 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Hi aunts and uncles,

First off please no judgement I didn't expect any of this to happen

Need some help here. So I'm 38 no married no kids but have just in the last three months purchased a house in my hometown with my partner of four years which is in the UK. I love my partner but I'm not in love with him and I guess I was Silly to buy but felt getting on in life. I regretted it as soon as we signed the deal. My best friend is 34 so younger than me and single and last year imgrated to the states with her job she's so so so happy in life and I'm so jealous of her as would love to move there too but can't get Visa she went through work. Anyway seen her few times as it's far away in the last year and recently went to visit her and went on a road trip and ended up meeting the most incredible guy! I believe the one if such a thing we only had one night together as he was touring with his band all over the states and no we didn't do anything we just spent the night talking. We then spent the whole week I had left trying to meet up looking at times and flights to go see him around the states but logistics got in the way. I went home and was am deverstated. I also have found out he lives an hour drive from where my friend lives now and am eaten up with jealously that she's there and I'm not (even though they don't talk or see each other) it's just knowing she's so close to him to be able to develop a relationship. I've told my current partner I'm Having serious doubts about us and if I am in love with him, as I'm dreaming about this other guy. We have spoke everyday since I've been back and he is trying to arrange for me to come to states to Actually spend long weekend with him. I don't know what to do. Is this just a fantasy can anything come off this. Why did I have to meet him now... I why not two years ago or even few months back before I signed on the house but then my fiends tell it's stupid nothing can come off it and focus on where you are at with own partner and getting out of that which I am but it's sooo hard when I'm consumed with feelings for this incredible American guy.

What do I do is there any chance for us when he is there and I'm in another country I would leave my partner for him and I am leaving him as we speak but it's hard as the house.


View related questions: best friend, jealous

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2017):

Sometimes, we meet someone and it's nice and good and we go with the flow as it's comfortable and then some big change happens like marriage .. some people find out as they are about to get hitched they can't do it and run - some even do . Or buying a house - it's like Oo no this is reality of my life .. going to bed and waking up .. going to work .. slaving away .. coming home dinner idle tv , lil chat .. nookie .. sleep and the same again happens .. and this is my life some people think .. this is it .. and they want to run.. everything shouts run..

it could be seen as a crisis or just the house was the last straw that broke the camels back .

I agree with wise owl on most of his post and he was actually holding back so not to be too tough - he actually a sweetie . He just doesn't want you getting hurt as do any of us .. I don't think we have a right to judge though as if we don't like a qs we can merely not answer .. but I read his and other aunts and I actually dont feel they have . I hope I haven't sweetie either ..

When your in your position and everything seems so rosey and new with all that dew on it .. it's hard to think straight .. your thinking over all what happened and it's so exciting ..

But as a medical person I have to come in with that most points are spot on .. this is the scary part so bear with .. the contiguous and highly infectious transfer of diseases that are life threatening not mind changing is true ..

The likely hood that this guy is seeing or has seen other females sexual before or after you is high.. the fact that he may be playing some kinda of ego game to get you to leave your relationship .. is another possibility..

You don't know him yet .. you only know a tiny faucet of him .. that he has allowed you to see .. my advice breathe deep and be carefully .. not all that sparkles is gold .

On the other hand he could be genuine .. it's very hard to tell I'm menain in how he feels not how he has behaved prior or since . Can love happen instantly .. some say yes it can .. some say it takes time .. I'm a lil with both being honest .

I know an old couple .. who met and married all in one weekend . Very romantic then are in their 90s .

my advice is this if you allow me to provide it ..

1. Take a deep breath this isn't going to be easy and remember once you chose - you may never have the option of going back . So think it carefully

2 take sometime for you, go and stay with your parents if you can or family . Tell your bf that you feel the relationship isn't what you would like it to be .

Now remember he will ask how can he change or what can he do and you need the time away to think over what you think is missing .. do you need more excitement or has this always been just you going along with what the flow. ( if it's latter then cut him lose, don't drag it out )

If you think changes would help be honest with what you'd want .

Leave this other guy out of the equation .. now if you do decide to blurt out about the guy . Remember once you've said this there is no going back and your actions will get a reaction ..

I had a friend break up with her bf only to discover life wasn't what she thought it would be .. single life wasn't that hot .. and there were lots of females chasing lots of nelly men ( sorry men not all are ) and that she had something that was though normal not that exciting it was real and tangible and she wasn't crying wondering where he was or who he was with .. as he loves her unconditionally .. but when she thought she could easyily step back into that life .. he closed her down ..

And she still single yet .. when she raises it ( four years later unhappily ) I have to say and I don't judge her .. what did she expect .. her reaction got a reaction and though she had went and thought about it so had he ..

So if your decision is such that you are so unhappy then breakup is needed if you think running after a guy is worth it .. then you need to do it as we are not you - but why can't he come to you .. he's used to traveling and yes it may take a lil while longer to wait but .. he's the man .. I wouldn't want to be on turf or with people I don't know .. I value my life far to much .. I look at all the variables that could happen .. so if you decide this is over . Ask your new bf to come to you .. his answer will tell you how committed he is to you

So; I think if your newly bought the house is there not a window of withdrawing . Or have you both moved in .. if so .. your are going to have to seek advice from the mortgage broker or lender on what you can do.. or sell the house and reap whatever default is going to occur ..

I wouldn't stay out of obligement only if you can mend and put a spark back if there ever was one in the first instance ..

But I would ask this new guy to come to me if I were you and see what he says .. I would also say I was willing to wait to see him on my ground .. you have the phone email texting and Skype so a few months of waitin wouldn't kill you or him .. and see what his answer is .. if he huffs and puffs and says it's easier for you - how come .. you work as well .. and your the female . Best starting the way forward .. girls don't chase .. guys do and if they don't .. well the connection you think you have isn't there ..

Chin up sweetie . And chose wisely ..

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A male reader, Riot2017 Mexico +, writes (14 August 2017):

You mentioned he is on a band, touring through the states, RED FLAG HERE. Those guys are used to groupies, and the least thing they want are serious and committed relationships.

Now, if you follow through all this, you will end up hurt, because it's likely that this guy doesn't loves you back. He is an American after all, and divorce rate is 50%. You will end up spent, broken, and will end up with no house and no partner in either end.

I think you should hear your friend's advice, honestly.

Now, if you are with that guy for 4 years, and are not in love with him, why did you stood so long with him?

Have you and your current partner considered going to therapy? You need to discus all of these issues with a third party, so that he can help you come up with agreements or help you figure out if you should quit that relationship you are in.

Regarding the house, you can talk with a real state agent to help you find ways for you to either return the house or transfer the debt to other party that it's interested in the house.

I think you should abort the house plan, because buying a house is only for relationships that you see yourself getting old with.

Best luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2017):

Aunts saying this is the reason people shouldn't buy houses with those they are not married to ? How on earth does that make one ounce of difference. This exact same situation could have occurred married or not

Anyway , I tend to agree that you are infactuated rather than in love with the American guy . What I don't agree with is that this is necessarily a good idea to stay in your relationship . This infactuation is likely a call to you that you are deeply dissatisfied in your primary relationship and this is a call to get out

Just because of you age people like to label it a mid life crises . As though women and men once they hit a certain age could only be acting this age due to crazy mid life insecurities and not normal everyday issues problems insecurities etc . Believe me , I'm your age and I've seen friends throughout the years make the mistakes in their 20s. 30s 40s and I'm sure beyond . Hell I've made some myself . It doesn't have to be labelled as some middle age woman thing

You are confused , problably feeling alone ( and even more so

After the judgement you hear heaped on you ) I implore you

To seek counsel . Consider cutting contact with the American guy it will

Clear head . Focus on whether the man you are with is right for

You and what led you into the arms of another

You know , single life can be pretty good for mature women

If that's what you choose

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (13 August 2017):

It never ceases to amaze me how people ask for no judgment after dropping a big bomb! I'll do my best. Advice sometimes sounds judgemental; that's because it takes judgement in order to formulate advice. Advice is meant to correct or find a solution to a problem. People looking for wisdom take it raw. That's how life comes. It's not wrapped in pretty paper with a bow.

You have to hand truth or advice to little children gently; because they have limited-understanding, and they are innocent. Not grown-ups pushing 40! We are accountable for our deeds, should take constructive-criticism if it improves us. Grown-ups shouldn't do things that draw ridicule; if we are too sensitive to handle negative-reactions to our bad-behavior, or reprisal for the harm we've done to others. Or, being stigmatized for the damage we've inflicted on society.

If I give you my time and the benefit of my wisdom and experience, it's because I care. Enough said on that.

You've run into a fly-by-night romance. It was created from a brief encounter with romantic and deeply sexual-trappings.

In the end, once you actually know him beyond the bedroom; the euphoria will wear-off. It was an impetuous on-the-road quickie-affair; that musicians encounter at every stop. I am desperately hoping you used protection; so you won't end-up with herpes or HIV-infection. Guys like that sleep with dozens of groupies, usually take drugs (sometimes with needles), and don't always use condoms. It depends on their state of sobriety and conscience; when and how committed they are to safe-sex. A kiss can pass on Hepatitis B! Exchange of other bodily fluids offer an abundance of interesting bugs as well. It all depends on which orifice they're deposited in. Hopefully you had no open-cuts.

Graphic,yes; but I shoot from the hip. This is a life-lesson to you and other readers. One misstep can cost your life and/or your reproductive-system. All STD's aren't curable with a shot of antibiotic. Traveling musicians are human petri-dishes. You get checked together before starting a committed-relationship; and after casual-encounters with them. Or you could infect others! They are high-risk! Difficult to find or contact (as you've discovered); if you get infected, or pregnant. Your friend just might run into him, or could be friends on Facebook! You never know!

Reality is duller and less romantic than fantasy. A night of sensual-pleasure and a romantic week spent in another country is exciting and like a dream. Now you're ready to throw everything away! For some random dude, who is doing exactly the same thing he did with you, with some random groupie as you're reading this. Even if he strums a violin or plucks a harp; he's always on the road, meeting different girls every night. Sometimes boys on the side. Lets be real!

Let the guy you're with down easy. Stop lying and telling him you love him. Getting out of a mortgage isn't easy. You'll have to buy him out. That is, if he's willing to sell and doesn't feel duped; and doesn't decide to just sit on it. In reality, he has no choice. It's too soon to sell.

If he decides not to pay the mortgage, the foreclosure will destroy your credit. You're damned if you do, and damned if you don't be honest with him. He'll figure it out once you start getting cold and distant.

It's best to be honest in order to preserve your credit. You have to get him to agree to sell, and split the small amount of equity in the house. If any. It belongs to the bank; because it was recently purchased. Unless it sells quickly; you'll be paying rent and a mortgage simultaneously. If you both separate, and don't live in the house.

You'll take somewhat of a hit if you sell the house so soon.

You'll lose what you paid in closing costs, the commission you'd have to pay a realtor to sell the house. Trying to sell it yourself is time-consuming, and nerve-racking. You still have costs and expenses. Like taxes and escrow. You must continue maintenance and keep current homeowner's insurance coverage; and cover major repairs before the house is sold. You're now a homeowner.

If you look at your mortgage contract, there were a lot of transaction fees. So you won't just cut loose and run to America to chase down some guy you're fawning over. Let me remind you; that you don't know if his feelings are mutual.

Traveling-musicians are literally all over the place, and a dime a dozen. They've got women throwing themselves at them; and unless they're a signed and famous band; they don't have a pot to piss in or window to throw it out of. Lest he's living on a healthy trust-fund and wants a lady nearly 40.

I know I'm being harsh; but my advice is also meant to be a wake-up call. Your heart got the better of you, and overrode your common-sense. I'd be lying my ass off; if I said I've never done the same. I traveled, spent big bucks, and fell for a rich guy; who dumped me 10 months later. I have no regrets, only that I fell for him. He just liked the sex, partying, and a traveling companion. He prefers monogamous relationships; with an expiration-date. We never even fought or disagreed. I had the time of my life. Didn't give up my good job, my condo, or anything on some whim. He said I deserved better. Later I found that to be true. It came true.

I can tell you, don't do it. Give what you have more time. Try your best to snap-back to reality. If you're ready to become a landlord, you can rent the house. You won't be able to travel with your musician sex-buddy; that might get a little costly, and he may not want to be weighed-down by a steady-girlfriend.

I've given you a dose of reality. Forgive my frankness, because your heart is talking to you. It's hard to break-through to a woman listening to her heart. It may take awhile for this to sink-in. And, girlfriend, before it's all over. It will!

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (12 August 2017):

For the love of heaven leave this poor guy so that he can find someone who really loves him. You'll need to sell the house unless your partner can afford to buy you out expect to take a significant financial hit. But that is a small price to pay to pursue your dream. Of course your partner will have to pay part of the price in addition to the emotional pain he'll feel. But one cannot grind wheat without crushing a few millet.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (12 August 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt Yeah, it looks like a sort of mid-life crisis.

You feel frustrated and uninspired in your current relationship, and stuck what with the house and everything,- but you aren't brave enough to just make a clean break and free yourself of ties, emotional and practical, which do not work for you anymore. So your subconscious is giving you a little help by inventing an overwhelming passion for some unknown and barely reachable guy, in order to nudge you into the direction where you really want to go but do not have the guts to go.

But you aren't in love with the American musician, or, actually, maybe you feel that you are, but if it had not been him it would have been anybody else , as long as "different " enough. It could have been the Italian waiter at the new downtown restaurant, or the Croatian tennis instructor at your tennis club.

You don't really need to invent a catalyst for change, you know ? and to psych yourself up with a whirlwind romance ,which could cost you your job , savings and future. You can just ...make changes. Leave the bf whom you do not love anymore , put the house back on the market , share the profit and then go each one his separate ways toward more fulfilling relationships . You don't need to involve a perfect stranger who lives an ocean apart for doing this.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (12 August 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntThe house is the LEAST of your problems. Houses can be sold as easily as bought. Just get it back on the market and release your poor partner to find someone who actually wants to be with him (because you obviously don't).

At 38, I am sure you must realize you are not in love with this guy in America who you have merely spent a few hours talking to. That is not to say, of course, that you could not have a relationship which would work. Anything is possible. However,at the moment, you have NOTHING with him. Keep that in mind when you are throwing away everything you have at the moment.

If he is in a band which tours regularly, have you given consideration to what you will do when he is working? Will you go with him and hang around while he is working? Or will you stay at home and miss him? Either way, life for partners of musicians who spend a lot of time touring is no picnic. Even when they are not touring, they spend a lot of time rehearsing/writing new material, so the likelihood is you will spend a lot of time alone, waiting for this guy. You are already jealous of your friend living close to this guy; how will you feel when there are females throwing themselves at him when he is playing?

Nothing is impossible and I am sure, as he has turned your head so badly, if you DON'T try this, you will spend the rest of your life wondering "what if", so you probably NEED to go for it. However, keep your head screwed on and don't burn all your bridges here in the UK before you know if there is anything in the USA for you.

Good luck. We all need to do something a little mad during the course of our lives.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (12 August 2017):

YouWish agony auntThis is what a mid-life crisis looks like. Women can have them just like men can, and it short-circuits our reason, intellect, and anything resembling logic or sound judgment.

First of all, let's just get the obvious out the way:

YOU ARE NOT IN LOVE with this American guy! You're bored with day-to-day life and your relationship and feeling your age, and this guy in the US paid attention to you and he was good in bed. You do not really know this guy, and nothing that's happened is based in reality.

You have been speaking to this guy since you got back to the UK, but you know nothing really about his life, and right now, it's a fantasy to be whisked away to a life of adventure with a guy in a band.

What you need to do is come to your senses, because you're about to make the worst mistake of your life. If you don't love this guy you're with, then you can end things (this is a big reason why people shouldn't buy stuff like houses and cars without being married with community property protections!). But don't torch your life and career for a guy you don't know anything about, or you'll come to the US, hang out with him until reality sets in, and you'll be really miserable when you do finally come to your senses!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2017):

Do have to pay any mortgage or loans on the house? Can your bf afford to buy your share of the house? Can you both agree upon selling the house? If you can do these then you should solve the house issue and travel to be near this guy in America. Only are you sure that he wants you there? There is no indication in your post on this. My principle in life is that you should always act to realise your dreams otherwise you will always regret for missing the chance but you must be sure of how this guy feel about youfirst. One final thought though, I feel that you don't love your present bf so I honestly think you should not waste his and indeed your time anymore.

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