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Having sex all the time is really putting me off having sex

Tagged as: Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 August 2017) 11 Answers - (Newest, 16 August 2017)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Me and my boyfriend have been together about seven months now. Things are kosher for the most part with a few small arguments here and there. One of the few things about the relationship that bother me is his sex drive. When we started dating I decided to try to be the cool girlfriend who puts out as often as possible, quickies throughout the day, blow jobs whenever etc. But keeping up has been proven impossible. He's good in bed, no issue there. It's just when I'm tired or Jay finished two rounds it's hard for me to get into it. He seems to think I should put out all the time and be really enthusiastic while doing so with little to no regard to whether or not I'm in the mood. I tried talking to him about it and he said he understood and will work on it but the efforts he made were not really on point. Instead of allowing me one day a week of none, he started asking in insulting ways. Last night i fell asleep watching a movie with him and dragged myself to bed tired from working and he offered me ten bucks to do it! He later said he was joking. Once after we argued an evening away over dumb stuff he said as we were going to bed "I don't suppose you'll put out tonight?"

I guess I can see where he's just trying to get off with me, his girlfriend, but he wants me to be more affectionate, though when I try it always leads to sex. If I walk up to him right now and give him a kiss he'll be reaching down my pants. Right now we have sex an average of about 7-10 times a week. So he's slowed down some but during a argument we had (we don't argue a lot though it may sound like we do) he said I act like my vagina is gold and he has to beg for it. Very untrue, I put out every night I see him which is pretty much daily.

Here lately he's expressed alongside of the affection stuff that he would like for me to initiate sex more often. "I'd love it if you pounced on me". The thing is he never gives me enough time to build up enough tension to pounce on him like that. I don't get foreplay or anything either. Last week he went down on me then asked if I was still awake because I wasn't being loud enough. The quantity is effecting the quality for me. I used to be in the mood all the time, getting in top, dressing up sexy, etc but it's feeling more like a chore now because he seems to expect me to walk around hot and ready all day. I tried to talk to him but he just doesn't get it. I ask for more foreplay and all he does is give head prior which isn't foreplay to me. Foreplay to me is flirting throughout the day, and all the affectionate stuff he said he wanted but anytime I do that he's ready to go and I can't build up sexual tension that way.

On top of everything else I asked his opinion on a new hair color and he suggested blond. I went blond then ran into his porn stash by mistake which is hundreds of blond girls, not a single dark haired chick. It was a turn off to discover that. It seems like our sex life is one sided. I'm into slightly weird fetishes but he won't try any of them. Though I dress up, dance, suck and screw all the ways he wants me to. He went from being my best partner ever to being a chore it seems. He's 41, shouldn't his sex drive be slowing down some? Or at least, shouldn't he be able to go a night without it without making me feel guilty as hell? Any other serious relationship I've been in naturally balanced out at about 4-5 nights a week if that. He's making me feel inadequate if I don't do it 1-3 times a day. I want a friendship with him, not just a sex life!

I need advice on how to feel more in the mood, how to calm him down, and/or how to get this guy to understand foreplay isn't oral. I want to be in the mood before oral, not use oral to get in the mood. This seems to be a common misunderstanding for any guys I've ever been with, they all think oral is foreplay. I don't much want advice that says to break up, I don't think relationships should be so disposable. I just want a more fulfilling sex life and a stronger friendship with my man. His approach is killing it.

View related questions: blow-job, flirt, foreplay, in the mood, porn, sex drive, sex life, vagina

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A female reader, Isolatedgothicprune United States +, writes (16 August 2017):

Youcannotbeserious is right on with this one.

I know, because I just exited a 3 and a half year relationship with one of these sexually demanding jerks. No, he won't slow down with age, because he has trained his brain to believe that he must have sex all the time. There is such a thing as sexual addiction, and it wouldn't surprise me if you research it and find that your man has it.

He doesn't care what you want. His needs are all that matter. You're there to meet them. At some point, and I promise you this, he will decide that you aren't enough, and he will triangulate you with another new relationship. I do not believe he has it in him to actually have a relationship. He just wants a human sex doll, and so far, you've been that for him.

He is stunted in his growth in that he is about 15 years old and will never change. No one woman will ever be able to keep up, and he will demand a release and justify his non-monogamous behavior by blaming whomever he is with at the moment.

I know you are hoping he will settle down and give you the loving relationship that you crave. He never will. He doesn't want a loving relationship. He just wants a tool who will meet his every need, and who cares about yours.

Start working on detachment, and prepare yourself for the inevitable. You have been a wonderful girlfriend to him, and a normal guy would recognize your efforts and treat you with respect. This guy? It's not in him. Do some searching online. I have a feeling you're going to find some answers to this problem.

Sorry you are going through this. I feel your pain.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2017):

I think you led him on but if you want it to be more than sex have date nights but then go home alone make him want you in a different way ... I would never have sex with a guy every time I saw him as then it's just sex

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A male reader, Riot2017 Mexico +, writes (14 August 2017):

I think you guys need to go to couples therapy, although it's too soon in the relationship. You need to learn how to set healthy boundaries.

If you are tired from work, and you can't "put out" one night, you need to set your boundaries and stop him.

Yes, sex is a little about being selfish, but some times it's about being selfless too. I think he is not fulfilling your sexual and emotional needs. Sex is supposed to be fun , not a chore.

If you want one night off from "work", just tell him so. You need to recover your energy for the next 6 days of putting up.

Best luck!

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (12 August 2017):

chigirl agony aunt"When we started dating I decided to try to be the cool girlfriend who puts out as often as possible, quickies throughout the day, blow jobs whenever etc. But keeping up has been proven impossible"

Ever heard of the saying "BE YOURSELF"?

Clearly, you decided to fake who you are and pretend to be someone else. Of course, that doesn't work. It never works. And now after some months you are tired of faking it and lying about what you actually want. It was a bad idea to not be honest about who you were from the start and fake wanting sex more frequently.

You know, you're not doing anyone any favors by pretending to be someone you're not. You pretended to be someone with a very high sex drive, and you're not that type of person. So you basically lied. And I promise you, this is exactly how he will feel when you talk to him. I've read over and over in forums how people started in a relationship with a high amount of sex, and then after 6 months - 1 year the sex became non existent. They are left feeling lied to and cheated, because their partner wasn't honest about their sex drive and were faking it to "reel them in".

"He seems to think I should put out all the time and be really enthusiastic while doing so with little to no regard to whether or not I'm in the mood"

Well of course, because you've been faking always being in the mood for so long! What do you expect, really?? This is like lying about loving beer and then get mad when they always offer you beer.

Bottom line is: you and him are not sexually compatible. And there is nothing you can do about it. You will never be sexually compatible. If I were you, I would end this relationship and next time be HONEST about my sexual appetite from the beginning.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2017):

The only other option you have other than leaving him is talk to him seriously and many more than once and explain what you want and need very clearly and candidly and hope he listens and changes.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (12 August 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt You don't think that relationship should be so disposable ?

Maybe not all of them. But bad relationships should be very very disposable, expediently and with few regrets. Once you have talked, and explained, and made your wishes known, and tried to compromise, and nothing works; once you see you are not being heard, you are not being respected, you are not being understood, in fact you are made feel guilty for trying to set boundaries and morph from a walking blow up doll into a valued companion; once you realize that what really counts his convenience , comfort and satisfaction, screw yours ; then why holding on so tight ? It would be like throwing good money after bad, in the hope that an unsafe, hazardous investment turns into a gold mine somehow ! The best thing would be to get out of this until you have some self esteem left.

It may be purely a matter of sexual incompatibility, of different sex drives , as some poster charitably put it - tbh, IMO it's more a matter of this man being a selfish, boorish jerk who can't bother investing any tenderness , any sensitivity in this relationship. But , be as it may- the end result is that this thing won't fly and you are wasting your time.

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A male reader, judgedick France +, writes (12 August 2017):

judgedick agony aunt Sexually incompatible is screaming out at me, And I think your still trying to find your own sexual comfort zone, I THINK you need to find a partner that will fill your needs in your field,

this man might fill all your other needs but not want to go the same road as you in sex, you need to talk to him outside of the bed room and explain to him what road you're on and this will be hard as YOU have not found it yet,

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (12 August 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntSo many alarm bells ringing here, I am deafened!

There are some men who, regardless of age, maintain high sex drives, and it sounds like you have one there. (A friend of mine is with one who is now in his mid 50s and still expecting "release" - as he calls it - at least once a day.) The problem with guys like him is that they feel they are ENTITLED to sex from their partner. They have little if any idea about women's sexual needs, and don't really care whether their partner is happy sexually, as long as THEY are getting their "fix" whenever they want it.

A fundamental difference between men and women is that women need to feel loved to want sex, whereas men need sex to feel loved. This guy has zero empathy for what YOU need or want. You have already tried telling him. Nobody here can magically turn your Neanderthal into a caring sensitive lover when you, who are closest to him, have already spoken with him and it has got you absolutely nowhere.

It is admirable that you want to work on your relationship and not just kick it to the kerb, but how long are you prepared to do this if you don't get any change? Are you prepared to stay with him, knowing he will not even try what YOU enjoy (your "slightly weird fetishes") while demanding you have sex whenever HE feels like it? This is not a relationship. It is CERTAINLY not a friendship. This is just one person using another for sexual gratification. YOU are not important to him. The only use he has for you is as a means to an end.

I have to ask, why do you think you are not worth better? Are you confusing the man you THOUGHT he was with what he has turned out to be? Are you still hoping he will turn into the man you WANT him to be? You do realize, I hope, that this problem will only get worse over time as you will become increasingly more resentful at him using you in this way and he will become increasingly more demanding and nasty when you don't put out for him. He will eventually start accusing you of being frigid and similar things, eating away at your self esteem to get what he wants from you. This is only going to get worse.

Stick with him if you want. After all, it is your choice and yours alone. However, if you do, I will lay money on you being in exactly the same position months, even years, down the line, with him still demanding sex, making you feel guilty for not putting out and with your self esteem just being eroded away. You sound like an intelligent woman. Open your eyes and see what is going on here. You deserve so much better.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (12 August 2017):

YouWish agony auntThe major problem I see here is -- you confused being the "best GF ever" with being the "best animated disposable sex toy ever". He does not respect you, especially if he's calling what you do with him physically "Putting out" and even joking about offering you $10 as if you were a cheap whore. I would have lost it if any guy had ever done anything like that to me, even in joking.

One other thing -- and I've had to handle this even in my marriage when it was new... you have a right not to be groped any time you hug someone or kiss them. If you can't hug him or kiss him or hold his hand without him reaching down your pants or groping your chest or whatever, then you stop touching him until he treats you with respect. You may think that if you set a boundary in your love life, that it'll make a guy want to leave you, you couldn't be more wrong.

It has the opposite effect when you let yourself get used. You're not respected. Your wishes stop getting heard. The relationship stops BEING a relationship and starts becoming a big porno flick with lots of bad acting.

Also, relationships grow emotionally as well. If everything is about sex, then it's so far out of balance that you can't even go out somewhere nice or watch a movie without thinking it's some sort of sex angle. That's no kind of relationship.

Your age difference is also a factor here in the power politics of your relationship. He's 41, so he is manipulating you into feeling immature about what place sex has in a relationship. In truth, you could do a lot better than this guy.

You need to start respecting yourself and stop letting him use you for a cheap penis holder. Don't let him TOUCH you, and do not touch him until he gets it through his head that hugging doesn't mean groping, and time spent together doesn't mean that you have to spread your legs and "put out". Being the best girlfriend means stop being his sex slave and start being an equal.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (12 August 2017):

Honeypie agony auntThis is a hard one - no pun intended.

You YOURSELF set the "bar" in the beginning by NOT following your OWN standard, but "trying" to be someone you are not. This whole "trying to be the best GF ever!!" is RARELY a good thing for the girl. Because it sets a fake standard so to speak, something you CAN NOT maintain 24/7/7 - it's like the women who try to cook, clean and pamper their partner all the time in the beginning and after a while feel like they are being taken for granted - JUST like you. Or women who fake climax and then the BF thinks he is hot stuff!! in the sack when he really isn't.

He is taking you for granted. He is treating you like a sexual object or fantasy. And he is trying to manipulate you.

Do you two live together? If not, TAKE a day of a week to spend alone, sleep alone. IT will do you good.

Just like "BAD sex" can totally ruin one's libido, so can feeling like you HAVE to perform constantly. The whole giving you $10 so you would have sex? WOW! I don't see the joke. I think that would have been an "I'm done with this shit" moment for me.

You have EXPLAINED to him how it makes you feel and all he does is add more pressure. like wanting you to initiate, whining when you don't REALLY want sex and IGNORING your need for "non sexual" foreplay. So really YOUR sex life is all about him and HIS needs right now. No wonder you are turned off.

I do think it's OK for him to say no if he doesn't want to do whatever fetish you want, but that also means YOU should be able to say no to what YOU don't want to do.

You two are a bad match sexually. you have an average sex-drive for your age... He is maybe a tad "oversexed" for his. It honestly sounds like he thinks you are his own personal porn star who should be in the mood because he is. I dated a guy in my 20's who thought poking me with a hard on was foreplay. That it would get me SO excited that I'd jump him straight away. Sorry, that is NOT how most women work.

You say you want to FIX this, but what if you can't? You need to consider that possibility. That has nothing to do with "disposable" relationships. It has to do with YOU setting some boundaries and HIM either respecting those and LISTENING to YOUR needs too - or it's not going to work.

My advice? TELL him. THIS turns me on. THIS turns me off.

And STOP trying to be the BEST GF ever!! Be YOU. Be OK with telling him no. DO not accept the manipulation games he goes going on.

I hope for YOUR sake that you don't live together. So you can ACTUALLY get a break here and there. Sex should be fun and enjoyable for both - not one feeling they HAVE to do it so the other won't sulk.

The fact that he is MUCH other than you might also play into this a little bit. He might actually think that HE knows better about "these things". But obviously, he doesn't.

In order for this to "potentially" change, you NEED to have a really long and maybe awkward discussion.

Everything you have written here you NEED to tell him.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2017):

TBH it sounds like you guys are sexually incompatible. Not much to do... It sounds like he wants more sex than you are having and you want less. Good luck trying to fix that and stay together.

Also, for most people oral sex IS indeed foreplay. However, I can totally understand if you want other things before oral sex; if you were compatible your BF would understand it too :)

Best of luck!

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