A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I believe my long-term girlfriend is having an emotional affair. I do not believe it is physical yet based on the evidence I found, but I do know that she is very attracted to this guy. Should I lay all my cards on the table and ask her to explain away the evidence or should I play it more cool and ask her in a more pressing manner what exactly is going on between them, showing her the evidence only if she denies it?I feel like I shouldn't play my entire hand, but on the other hand I could see where she might feel that I am trying to trap her in more lies to throw in her face. I mean, I probably wouldn't come clean to it either if I was in her shoes. Maybe she is still in denial herself.She can't take this man out of her life because of the position he is in, but I want her to end the infatuation and check her sexual feelings a lot more before it does blow up into an affair. However, I don't want to seem so jealous and controlling that I drive her into his waiting arms - especially since my evidence is not super strong like a love letter to him or something. She can explain it away as harmless flirting.However, I have seen the e-mails she writes to him and they are very flirty and she tells him how hot he is and how smart he is and showers him with compliments. He is in a relationship and his responses are a lot more guarded, but he has told her things like: "I would have half a mind to completely overlook my girlfriend were you to tell me these things (how attracted she is to him) to my face. You are so beautiful." I can forgive this indiscretion so far as a crush that went a little too far, but it needs to stop now because if it gets physical then I am out. I have asked her about him before and she claims there is nothing going on (for various definitions of the word nothing apparently, which to her must mean sex) and that he is in a relationship and uninterested in her in any sexual way.I am especially interested in what people who caught their cheating partner did and they would handle it in retrospect.
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male
reader, ironman777  +, writes (31 May 2011):
Ok I will give you my experience, since I was caught cheating and I know that its better your partner puts their cards on the table. The other person will of course lie through their teeth or in some circumstances come clean. It might be a massive relief to them not to continue sneaking around, becuase thats the worst part of having an affair.
If they lie, then it shows what sort of person they are and puts them on notice that your suspicious and they need to really watch themselves. It may reduce or stop their emotional affair altogether.
So I say be open with her in a non agressive way, just state facts as you have them and carefully note what she says and her body language. Any further gut feelings on your part thats shes cheating, she probably is.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2011): I don't recommend you beat around the bush or play cat and mouse. She will only answer your questions to the degree that she feels safe, while trying to determine what you know. You'll be left unsatisfied and just as uncertain as before.
Your best bet, in my opinion, is to calmly tell her you have something to say and you want for her to not speak, just listen.
Then tell her what you know, what you think and how you feel about it. Let her know that you're prepared to work on the relationship if you can be certain her affair is over and her intentions are genuine. Tell her to give it some thought and let you know what she wants to do (in a reasonable amount of time of course).
If you want to salvage this relationship then what you need is clear and honest communication. The only way she is going to be truthful with you is if she feels safe to do so. Telling her to just listen and not bombarding her with questions and judgments relieves her of the pressure to do damage control. It also shows her that you can handle setback rationally and that encourages her to trust in you.
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (31 May 2011):
 If you lay your cards on the table and confront her it is likely arguments will ensue, you will appear jealous and insecure which is not attractive and likely push her to compare you to this guy.
Instead why don't you try and talk about your relationship and ask her how she feels about it... This way you can find out subtly how she's feeling...
Perhaps when you're both relaxed over dinner or something? Ask her "you know we've been together a long time, how do you feel about us?" or "we've been together a long time... are you happy with the way things are?" and try and talk about feelings and see what's going on there rather than "Tell me... I found some messages on your phone/email from a guy... why are you emotionally cheating on me?????!"
If she says she isn't happy then ask her if she feels this relationship is going anywhere? If she asks why all the questions you could just say "well, it's been a while and things seem to be different now and I'm not sure this is working"... or whatever you want. Just relax and talk about your relationship.
If she comes out and asks if you've been reading her messages, you can simply respond with "what messsages?" and take it from there.
You don't want to go accusing anyone of anything if you're not 100%. I think you need to find out what is wrong with your relationship... If she says she isn't happy then she's likely on the lookout for a replacement.
Of course, the other explanation could be just the thought of a bit of excitement is what she is after... I don't know your situation but maybe she feels neglected or not wanted anymore? Maybe she feels things are going a bit stale?
Pardon my gibbering here but I write as I think and if I were you I would try and find out 1) how does she feel about your relationship and 2) is there anything wrong or that could be improved upon.
If it turns out she really wants this other guy, and I don't care what anyone says... if she is writing messages or talking over the phone to him this isn't harmless... giving a little smile to a guy who works behind the counter in a Grocery Store is harmless... you giving the cute, young checkout girl a smile is harmless... This, to me, doesn't sound so harmless... especially judging by his response.
At the end of the day if you can't trust each other then it's over. I would end it if it weren't down to lack of affection/attention on my part.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2011): i caught my long-term girlfriend cheating on me back in january. i caught her on facebook. she left her page up and i had my suspicions. so i read her messages. it was an emotional and physical affair. it disgusted me. so i immediately flung the bedroom door open where she was sleeping, flipped on the light in her face and threw the computer in her lap and asked how to explain herself. she of course was busted and fessed up. what else could she do because she'd been caught. i stormed out and left. that's how i handled it. but see, your situation is different than mine. i caught her in a full-fledged emotional and physical affair. you have only her messages. if i were you, i'd print off the convo and confront her immediately. she'll probably try to just play it off as something innocent and as a joke. but just know that no matter how badly you want to believe it - it's a lie. she IS flirting with this guy and she IS being dishonest. it's not acceptable to speak like that to someone else when you're in a relationship. period.
she can't cut this guy out of her life? what do you plan on doing if she admits she's been flirting and then she has to continue to see this guy all the time? that's going to really put a damper on things.
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