A
male
age
51-59,
*esperatelyndingsolace
writes: I am a 46 year old married male who has been married for 24 years to the same way too beautiful wife, I have a type 1 diabetic since age 3 and I have been physically disabled after getting hurt on the job and needing dual knee replacements and a rotator cuff tear ,so for the last 7 years my wife has had to step up to the plate and work in a business office and in the short time she has work her way up to a department manager, I feel very inadequate as a husband as she works 8-13, hrs a day 5-7 days a week and I don't see her often , but when I do she is exhausted and she always talks about the two marketers she works with and other women in the office who are rumored to have slept their way to the top I have asked her if this was the case with her and she said no not at all and if all things through out our relationship she has always been honest with me which I believed .Until I met the two marketers and the aadministrator (her boss) who all are younger and much better shape than I have been in the last 10+years.and this feeling is compounded by the fact that her company has many employee appreciation dinners that last late into the evening and she doesn't come home until late after 9:30 at night leaving me by myself and letting my mind go wild ,and now I am hitting an all time low as my prescription s are costing me more than my disability check as many of my medications are not available in generic and my insurance won't cover and I have gained over 990#s and my doctor want me to get a gastric bypass as the dieting and exercise program hasn't worked (I had a personal trainer) and even exercised to the point of injury so now I need surgery and my wife is against it because she can't time off work to help me recuperate. While at home I do all the house chores if I am able (ie dishes laundry, cook etc etc..) well her comes the part I feel very inadequate a blind depresses me the most; our sex life is non existent maybe once every 2 weeks if I am lucky and in our past when I worked she used to take a nap when she came home from work and wait up for me when I get home at about 4:00 am 3-4 a week so we could have sex and when we did have sex it was always sensual and exiting for both of us now if and when she ask how much longer and not even a peep except when she is getting dry, we have tried marriage classes and when the counselor asked her if she is having an affair or tempted orb if she isn't attracted to me any more she has always said no and she would tell me so I am confused I feel depressed and inadequate as it stands I had to go to church by myself while she stayed home by herself and watched lifetime. Seriously questioning my self as a man
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 May 2014):
 Ahem Mods do you realize that you let this poster post a porn link with very graphic images ?..
Not talking for myself , I've seen worse :), but there are also underage teen readers / posters on this site... and anyway DC is a G rated site I think...
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2014): Well after a lot of arguing last night why she didn't come home Friday night until 5:45 am Saturn morning she left and I hadn't heard from hear until hours a gos and she sent me this link and I recognized 1 of the and her coworker and the other one I assume who 8 filming is the other marketer she works with and she told me I could never get her here: [link removed thank you CindyCares for the alert!] and she told me she was tired of paying all my medical bills and rxs when I could never take her to a get away for a week end or me her feel this way in bed.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2014): Yes i am now on a low carbohydrate.diet it's hard because I have to limit my protein due to kidneys and I am on 500 my of metformen 2 s daily and I was on symilin 60 mcg s daily.but I am in insurance cover gap and is now in excess.of 925.00$ a month on top of the 1200.00$ for just my insulin I guess I feel more like a burden to my family. As last year.alone we spent 32,000$ on my rxs and I did mention the surgery again to my wife and she told me.straight out Iam completely on my own if I do go for the procedure and she also told me which may have been out of anger because I was pushing the bypass issue that she would rather work 2 weeks straight with no days of tha hjave to sleep.with me .
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 May 2014):
 The other thing folks have seen with WLS is an almost IMMEDIATE (like in the hosptial before weight loss starts) reduction in the diabetes and insulin requirements.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014): Have you tried a low carbohydrate diet which eliminates wheat and increases fat intake? This can probably help you to reduce your insulin needs and to lose weight which will in turn reduce insulin and help weight loss. Have you tried metformin also? Some type 1 can use this also to help with insulin resistance if they develop that. Most people on here have no clue what type 1 diabetes is or what we have to endure on a daily basis so don't expect them to understand. I would explore other solutions before you do the surgery if you haven't already. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2014): Thank you all this has given some more insight which I am very grateful and I hate to start defending myself but I do go to the gym with one of my son's 3-4 X's a week and I count carbs and calories the thing that made me gain so much weight is the large amount of insulin I have to take through an insulin pump which is attached to me 24/7 /365 days a week and insulin is considered a growth hormone hence the weight won't come off through normal diet and exercise
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 May 2014):
I don't think your wife is cheating either and I totally understand why you feel the way you do.
I will only speak to the medical conditions since I have experience with them.
I had gastric bypass (RNY) in September 2009 and while I have had some issues (ulcers) I do NOT for one second regret having the surgery. The surgery is practically outpatient (23 hour stay) and is done laproscopically so that you have 4-6 small incisions. Yes you will come home with drains but they are easy to care for. The recovery time for the surgery is not bad at all. Many folks I know went back to work after 10 days. You will be able to be left alone after 3-4 days MAX to be honest.
The WLS helped my back, my knees, my self-esteem, my depression... so many things. It's not the easy way out and it's not a cop out.. you use the first year to make new habits and learn new ways of coping. Mental health is addressed as well if you have a good and proper surgeon. I strongly recommend it. My doctor suggested it years before I was ready and I'm so sorry I did not do it sooner.
I can assure you that getting the weight off as fast as possible will positively impact your health both physical and mental on many levels. There is a HUGE WLS support group on the web (Obesity Help is a good place to start)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2014): I agree that you should back off the issue of your wife's faithfulness. I don't hear any real reason to think she is being unfaithful. I only hear you worrying about your own attractiveness and the situation she works in. It will wreck things if she feels like she is being convicted of cheating whether she really does it or not.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (12 May 2014):
Dear OP,
I am not a man but I think I can still relate to the problem of being the unemployed person and also I can relate to the self-doubts when in that position.
The problem is that self-doubts and worries create the problems that are initially only in your head. Not through magic, but through a certain mindset. If you keep questioning yourself and worry, you are going to be more sad and less active, less focused on solving your problems and less focused on your partners well-being (since you silently accuse her). So you create a situation where she is lonely, doesn't feel happy and will be more likely to look somewhere else to feel a human connection.
I don't think she cheated on you, but if you continue to see your life as misery, you won't be there for her as a partner and she will feel at least a void in her life.
My advice is: Stop focusing on all the difficult things that don't work out, stop focusing on the bad luck or where you think you failed.
Focus instead on what you really, really want and build towards that: A happy relationship, a healthy sex life - with the wife you already have - and a sense of accomplishment and pride as a man.
Some ideas on a few steps you could take in order to achieve that goals:
1) Instead of having an expensive surgery and time-consuming rehab for your gastric bypass, start dieting and exercising again. Yes, you failed once - it happens. Because changing habits is very hard and takes time, failure is one part of the learning process. Here I suppose you are making excuses for yourself and you fail to realize that YOU need to change and there's no magic surgery that will take away your problems. Because even after a gastric bypass, many people who don't eat healthy and follow a fitness regimen gain weight again. And to gain that much weight, you must have been inactive and overeating, so the problem of an unhealthy lifestyle is still there. Now, imagine the pride you will feel if you manage to lose weight by yourself. Imagine the surprise and pleasure of your wife if she sees you are crawling out of that hole to be an active person again. Imagine all the money you will safe. I know you were injured, but your injuries don't keep you from all kinds of exercising, for instance stationary cycling/cross trainer, training your abs and back, training your arms (with respect to the limits regarding your rotator cuff).
2) Your wife is probably very exhausted, so instead of getting paranoid, be very supportive and aknowledge what she's doing. Listen to her if she wants to talk about her workday and if she wants to stay home and watch tv on sunday, because she's too tired, don't judge her. Also, please consider that exhausted women lose their sex drive. If I have a lot of work to do, I can go for months without thinking of sex. I need a certain spirit of relaxation before I can think of that again.
3) Also, women (or at least me) appreciate the feeling of dating and romance and need this more urgent than actual sex. So, date your wife, it doesn't have to be expensive, but creative. Home made picknick in the park, breakfast together in bed, watching lifetime. Massage workshop. Going for a walk.
4) You might want to do something in addition to household chores. What about volunteer work? There are a lot of physically non-challenging tasks that could give you a sense of accomplishment and contribution to society.
OP, it's your turn to get active now and do something about your life. Don't wait for others to make things better for you. You know what you want (pride, good sex life, healthy relationship), so work towards that goal. You are stronger and more important than you think.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2014): Thank you for taking the time to answer , I feel better when someone who is going through something similar circumstances n and one I can find solace In is that my wife has never shown any signs of infidelity just working LONG hours to support our family thank you for sharing.
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A
male
reader, RevMick  +, writes (12 May 2014):
 Hi,
When we are injured or going through a disability or disease, it's really hard to be positive all the time. I myself have cancer and you do find your mind wandering.
I don't believe your wife is having an affair or slept her way to the top, these are baseless and you haven't found any evidence of such.
I think, maybe she is getting stressed from work, and because of that and working long hours can impact your sex drive. That could be the reason you don't sleep together sexually very much.
If I can offer once piece of advice or suggestion, try making a romantic meal, cook it all yourself, have a glass of wine waiting when she gets home. After that, run her a nice hot bath and just simply start giving her a neck rub, washing her as she relaxes and see where it goes. (this could turn into a nice treat once a week).
As for questioning yourself as a man, it does happen. I'm not going to lie, you feel emasculated because she is taking your role as finance giver and provider for the home. As a man of a certain age, you will no doubt remember your father being the bread-winner, and mother being a stay at home wife. (You associate this with a "man's role"). In today's society that isn't the case as much as it was.
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