A
female
age
30-35,
*ysterium
writes:Hi allSo I met this guy through my friend and we started hanging out a lot.Anyway, so I really liked him as a friend and I had just come out of a painful breakup so I was strictly not looking for anything. He started liking me and started to hit on me constantly without me really responding. After a point I sort of gave in. As soon as we started dating, his persistance towards me or his messaging/calling me completely reduced. We would go 3-4 days without talking...and I guess that was normal for him, although I wasn't too comfortable with this...I mean we had just started dating...and this was definitely not my way to start things. Everything started becoming boring and he wouldn't reply to texts and then randomly text some days. And the relationship started to become more physical than emotional. He was being too unstable and I really did not like that. After sometime I decided I had had enough and so started slowly ignoring his texts and calls and whenever he made a plan to meet up I either didn't reply or just said I was busy. I made it pretty obvious but I guess he didn't get the message. Although I suck at confrontation, I told him off politely one day and (I don't know why) apologized for the way I felt. I over compensated by making sure that we stay friends and all that. All that he had to say was "Yeah it wasn't really a thing anyway". I mean What The Hell. That's so rude. and he has no right to be rude to me after he has been behaving. And at the end of it all, I don't know why but I'm feeling bad about the way things ended. I don't want him to hate me. What should I do? I'm feeling quite pathetic.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 May 2014):
 I am not " judging " at all . I am giving my meditated opinion that some behaviours , actions or ideas are better and more functional than others, and will serve you much better to navigate the maze of uman relationships. Of course , it can be argued that the idea of " better " and " worse " is a judgement in itself, perhaps - but without that, there would be no point in ANY opinion, or any advice column.
Ergo, my opinion is , again, that dating is a trial and error process. Very seldom, due to numerous causes, it ends up perfect at the first try. Due to incompatibility, our mistakes, their mistakes, or sheer bad luck. Whatever it is , we can CHOOSE to wring our hands , blow a disappointment or an ego wound out of every proportions , and get stuck into this disempowerting train of thougths ( THIS is bitterness ! ) or, we can CHOOSE to see the positive spin in the experience ( like, that what he said makes you even more certain he was not the right fit for you ) and LEARN from it so that we do not have to relive it in future.
My opinion- i.e. what in my view and experience WORKS better on a practical level- is also that, at the end of the day, it' s not very relevant why things happened, just that they happened, and how not to make them happen.
I do not doubt that you may have good reasons for being unassertive , non-confrontational or what not, and your own reasons and explanations for doing things in a certain way rather than another. The problem is that this way caused way MORE aggravation and more hurt feelings TO YOURSELF than it was necessary. You want to keep this mode of behaviour and of communication ?, that's your choice and prerogative of course. But , as it did not work so terribly well this time, it won't work terribly well in future either- and pointing this out in an advice column, frankly I don't think it is overstepping any boundaries.
Sure, I got it that for you it is difficult to call a spade a spade AT THE RIGhT MOMENT, when it counts ( not ..eventually ). Difficult does not mean impossible- you might want to make a little effort, stretch your comfort zone a bit,challenge yourself.Or, you might NOT want to do it, and most probably see history repeating itself.
I think you missed my point- yes, I understood very well that your silence and evasiveness was a REACTION to his indifference and dismissiveness etc. That's exactly my point : ACT- not REACT !
Or, as you wish, don't do it . Next time, do exactly the same. Let yourself be persuaded into a relationship you do not even really want, accept meekly an indifference that deep down hurts you , when you are sick of it delay the moment to call it quits , and so on and so forth. These aren't the makings of a successful human interaction and it's not surprising it should leave you a bad aftertaste. But, your choice of course.
You surely can change not a iota in your actions /approach / view of the situation, and keep nursing your hurt feelings or hurt pride, and blaming the mean, rude people that have entered your life ( with your permission ). I just can't imagine it's going to be much fun.
A
female
reader, Mysterium +, writes (13 May 2014):
Mysterium is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Dear WiseOwle,
Thanks a lot for the comforting reply. I know I shouldn't feel sorry for my feelings and I am sincerely working on it! I happen to be visiting my family over the summers and I can't wait to spend time with them. As you rightly pointed out, its really going to mend my wounds :)
Thanks a lot!
Dear CindyCares,
Thanks for answering the question. But I do not agree with your accusational tone and your point of view. I am hurt at the moment and honestly, your belittling my emotions is of no help to me. I am open to understanding both sides of the coin but by accusing me of behaving like him, or in a certain way, is definitely not solving anything.
Secondly, I did not behave like him in any way. I am sorry for being human developing some idiosyncrasies (like everyone) like being non-cofrontational and being scared of confrontation. My situation reeks of it and if you did not pick up on that, you may want to read my premises again. Ignoring his messages to meet him was a reaction to his indifference and disinterest to meet me. And a feeling like this was worked up to. Its not something that just happens in a split of a second. And considering the way he was behaving with me, if he dint see this coming, it is His problem, not mine. I eventually "called a spade, a spade" and called it off. So I did eventually end it, as soon as I could. And this was the soonest for me. Its so easy for you to judge me for not calling it off immediately.
And unfortunately, I have been at the receiving end of a break up and being dumped. I appreciate honesty and I was not even considered worth that. But I have no regrets and I respect the views of my ex. I am sorry but I'm not foaming at the mouth.
With all my courage I ended this and did it in a very sensible and polite manner. I don't think I should feel sorry for him at all. There was no need for that bitterness. It reflects what kind of a person he is when he is faced with situations that don't go his way.
But of course I respect the difference in our opinions. Although please do consider the suggestion of not pronouncing judgements hastily. Fortunately this forum provides with the function of ongoing conversations and if you wanted a clarification, I would've gladly provided you with one.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (13 May 2014):
You should put it off your mind, it's really not so important. Dating is a trial and error process, you tried, it did not work, that's the long and the short of it. It happens.
AND, though, you should learn more effective, assertive ways to deal with people. You acted passive aggressive. What's the point of accepting behaviours you are unhappy with, while seething inside ? Speak up. Say what you like and what you dislike, if there's a way to compromise, to find common ground, fine, if not, each one on his own- you save time and resentment.
You did not like him to ignore you for 3/4 days ? Is that a dealbreaker for you ?.. Then, why did you let it go on ?.. Obviously , you had differen views about this " relationship ", you thought it was something that would have warranted daily contact, he thought it was not even a " thing ", so the occasional random text was more than enough. Well, having known that before would have saved time, frustration and unpleasantness, don't you think ? Then, you got tired of his indifference and then.. Alt. You say he is rude. Ok, but- what about you ? Was it not as rude or more just ignoring his texts or telling vague lies about being busy ? ... Hoping that he gets the hint ? ...
If you had been on the receiving end you'd be foaming at the mouth, we get many letters from upset girls who " don't get the hint ", they find this cowardice and vagueness very disrespectful . What's wrong with calling a spade a spade ? " sorry John, it's over, I am not happy with this situation", that's all you've got to say.
You may object that he did not care anyway, or that he was the one to treat you poorly first, or that he is not a nice person so he did not deserve your honesty...
Rule no. 1 : YOU do the right thing. Regardless of how other people act. Otherwise you are no better than them and you can't really complain about their misbehaviours. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014): He is the kind of guy that takes advantage of women when they're grieving. Knowing you were recovering from a recent breakup made you easy prey, in his eyes.
My dear, don't feel bad about anything. His feelings matter much less than yours. You need time to get over your breakup.
His feelings aren't important at all. He apparently has a nasty side. Good thing you found out about it, so you could quickly dump him and move on.
It is best that you remain single for a few months. Spend some time just taking care of yourself. Be your own best friend, and enjoy some independence. Stop sulking over guys. Push the drama-queen over the ledge. She'll drag your heart on the pavement and make you cry a lot.
What you got from him, shouldn't discourage you from dating if and when you feel up to it. Right now, it is much too soon to even consider dating. You're now under repair.
Don't let depression get the better of you. You can fight it.
Your feelings are a bit raw, the breakup is fresh, and he put a little salt on your open wounds. It happens. Some creep comes along, and plays with your feelings. All for sex. That's all it was about.
For now, do things that will help you pull your life together. Don't always look to men for comfort. You have parents, siblings, and friends who fill-in the empty places left in your heart after a breakup.
You say he pressured you? Toughen up, and don't let men push you around. Don't get all bitchy either. Just chill.
You have to be a strong person to survive.
If you're not ready for a commitment; say so. If you're want to be left alone, say so. Just be sure you fight any urge to be bitter. This will all pass.
Stand your ground and mean what you say. Don't make excuses for weakness. Women have to be strong too. Don't be a wimpy female. That's not how it is anymore. You have to be confident and have a backbone.
No feeling sorry for yourself. Don't beat-up on yourself because of him.
Spend some quality time with your family so you can get your mind off the blues. Call a friend you haven't heard from in awhile. I mean actually chat over the phone, no Facebook or texting. It's uplifting! Don't just talk about your problems, you need to laugh. Talk about everything but your breakup, or that guy. Vent that all here. We'll help you through it. Then go have yourself some fun.
Best of luck!
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