A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a serious problem I'm not sure how to explain it fully... I come from a very Christian background and I believe the bible very strongly. I married my husband almost a year ago, and lost my virginity to him on our wedding night. I am a very moral Christian and I go to church a few times a week, as well I am on very close terms with my pastor but I don't feel comfortable coming to him with this problem.My husband for the past few months has been extremely sexual with me, moreso than I am comfortable with. He wants sex almost every day, whereas I am satisfied with a few times a month. Maybe it's because I am "new" to sex, but I just don't feel altogether comfortable having it. The bible says to submit to your husband, as it is the wife's proper place to please their husbands and make their lives as pleasurable as possible. I am very traditional about relationships so I generally try not to argue back to him. So when he asks for sex, I try to always say yes. We use condoms usually when we have sex but a few times he has had sex with me without putting it on because he was in a rush.I guess what I am ultimately getting at is that I think I am pregnant... I told my husband about my worries and he is very very angry at me. I feel like if he would accept my "no" responses then we wouldn't be in this mess, because sometimes when I say no he doesn't listen and he doesnt listen when I remind him to put on a condom. He gets overtaken by his desire and lust. It is a fault I can forgive because not everyone is perfect. I am not perfect either. I have missed my last two periods, and an at home pregnancy test came out positive. My husband is angry and has suggested abortion or putting it up for adoption. He does not want anything to do with the baby. Because I am against abortion, I guess adoption is my only real choice... but I would rather take care of it ourselves. My husband says absolutely not, we are not financially ready because his career has not taken off yet. But I would feel weird giving it up. He says because it is his baby as much as mine, he has say in what happens to it. Because he is my husband, I know the Lord says that I must obey. I have been praying every night to the Lord (as usual) and am seeking His guidance but deep down inside I know that the Lord speaks through my husband. I am feeling somewhat confused and seeking some feedback, from women who have given their children away for adoption. How did you get over the pain of losing your first child? How do I get over it myself? I feel like the baby is God's blessing but I know I will have to part with it. I have scheduled an appointment with a doctor to discuss progressing with the pregnancy and my husband is researching adoption agencies.I am conflicted and seeking guidance, preferably from other Christians.Thank you.
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abortion, christian, condom, lost my virginity, period, pregnancy test, wedding, wedding night Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (1 May 2008):
 Danielepew ; Thanks for your answer.
There are some who say JW is a cult and others as a sect of Christian.
I am not going to argue about that.To each his own.
There is a new concept. You do not have to be a Christian
but you can approach God whose name is Yahweh.
To me , the word gay means people of the same sex.
Right or wrong it is not for me to judge them.
A
female
reader, duskyrowe  +, writes (30 April 2008):
 Here Here Doctor Vendetta I could not have put it better myself. Dusky xxxx.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (30 April 2008):
 Laura1318: I do believe Catholics are Christians. Jehovah's witnesses, by the way, are not: they don't believe Christ is God. But the right meaning of the word Christian is not what people think of when they say it. For example, I bet the poster isn't Catholic.
Where I live, non-Catholics use the word "Christian" to say that THEY ARE NOT CATHOLIC.
What does "gay" properly mean?
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (30 April 2008):
Do not be weary to labour for your children for when you are
old, they will accompany you to the end of the world.
I will walk with thee…to hold your hands and to carry you where you want to go.
Children are a joy, delight, happiness and pleasure.
Nothing in the world is more valuable than our children.
The pitter, patter of those small feet is the best music no money can buy.
For more readings ,
http://laura1318.wordpress.com/2007/12/12/do-children-bring-happiness/
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (30 April 2008):
Are Catholics not Christians?
Why do Catholics say they are not Christians?
Catholics pray to the Virgin Mary which is the mother of Jesus and they also pray and worship Jesus.
They also use the same Bible.
All the while, I believed Catholics are also Christians.
The early Christians in the new world are the Roman Catholics before Protestantism was born.
"I'm not a Christian, but a Catholic. "
Is it not an error to say that?
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (30 April 2008):
Christians have a radically different view of children from the rest of society.
Rather, Christians see children as a gift from God, as souls entrusted to them, whom they are to return to God.
Recently a relative of mine mentioned that he wanted to have
a large family but that he did not know how it would be
possible to manage financially.
He had noticed that I had a large number of friends who
started their child-bearing early and had lots of children.
Few of the women have paying jobs.
He wanted to know how they did it.
The question is a good one and I think I know the answer: they trust in God.
They regularly live on the edge of things--for the first few
years they experience occasional anxiety that another child
will be an undue strain on the budget, or they fear that
they will not be able to afford a car or house large enough
for the growing brood, or they fear that they may not be
able to meet food and medical costs.
But after a few years, they find that in most surprising and
often in quite spectacular ways, their needs are fulfilled.
From;-
http://www.nfpoutreach.org/Sex.htm
Everything happens because God wills it.
It was no accident that you got pregnant.
It is a blessings from God.
You do not have to obey your husband if the decision is wrong in God's eyes.
Do not obey blindly or apply the wrong teachings.
You should follow God's laws and not your husbands directive.
He does not trust God and thinks with his human mind.
I strongly suggest that you fight to keep your baby at all cost .
Do not give away for adoption.
If I were you , I would rather have my baby than to have a husband if the worst comes to the worst.
When the baby is born , he may sing a different tune.
Never , never give up your baby .
I would rather die and the baby live ,
for the baby is your new center of your universe.
Here is an interesting poem.
MOMENTS IN LIFE.
There are moments in life when you miss
some one
so much that you just want to pick them from
your dreams and hug them for real!
When the door of happiness closes, another
opens;
but often times we look so long at the
closed door that we don’t see the one,
which has been opened for us.
Don’t go for looks; they can deceive.
Don’t go for wealth; even that fades away.
Go for someone who makes you smile,
because it takes only a smile to
make a dark day seem bright.
Find the one that makes your heart smile.
Dream what you want to dream;
go where you want to go;
be what you want to be,
because you have only one life
and one chance to do all the things
you want to do.
May you have enough happiness to make you
sweet, enough trials to make you strong,
enough sorrow to keep you human and
enough hope to make you happy.
The happiest of people don’t necessarily
have the best of everything;
they just make the most of
everything that comes along their way.
The brightest future will always
be based on a forgotten past;
you can’t go forward in life until
you let go of your past failures and
heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying
and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so at the end,
you’re the one who is smiling and everyone
around you is crying.
Laura
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): Welcome to the real world, madam.
You've just discovered that men and women are not the mouthpieces of whatever deity you choose to worship.
No one should have power over anyone and certainly no sex should have the power over the other.
You are strong and capable of going beyond your religious programming and becoming a human being, full of bpth flaws and wonder. Evil and Good.
Now if he is a Christian, as you are, he must understand that abortion is wrong save for the most extreme medical cases where it would be kinder to end it before it begins.
Adoption is an option, but don't do it simply because you lack the self esteem to stand up to a flawed man, a flawed human. Do iut because you genuinely feel you are incapable of giving the child the life to which it deserves.
If you give up the baby for a single human being, you will feel nothing but depair until your dying days.
And if you think even for a second that a perfectly good parent abandoned it because of their own selfish fear will go down with that kid well, then you are naive to the point of absurdity.
You have strength in you, you can survive on your own and you don't have to take this 'man''s shit.
Flynn 24
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (30 April 2008):
I'm not a Christian, but a Catholic. I can tell you this much, though: Christians or not, all of us must take responsibility if we have sex. The fact that his career hasn't taken off is not a criterion to define whether he should be responsible or not. The baby isn't just an inconvenience, but a person who will be born because you two had sex, and then sex within marriage. Having an abortion or giving the baby in adoption is a very cruel thing to do. The baby is absolutely innocent and he or she should be receiving protection and love from both of you.
I can only give you my opinion. If I were you, I would leave the man, marriage and all, because you have to side with the weak and innocent. He wants you to get rid of your baby. Don't let him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): I have one comment to make. I am not christian and there are some really good answers here from people who are... its about adoption.
I was adopted, and there is nothing wroing with it, it gave me a life I could never have had, with a family that I am 100% a part of, I have non-adopted brother and an adopted sister...
And I know TONS of other adopted kids that have great happy lives. I dont think its right to make generalites as dr. vendetta said. For one, the place in england was an orphanage, not adoption, and for another, the reason you hear about these things is because they are VERY VERY rare... thats why theyre on the news!
Sorry for my rant... I feel that Dr Vendetta was insensitive and misinformed in the extreme and you shoudl have another point of view on adoption!
Hope that clears things up a bit!
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (30 April 2008):
 The passages in the Bible that talk about "submitting to your husband" deal mostly with allowing him to "bring you to God", and I feel that it is a misinterpretation to take them as meaning you have to do what he says in all things.
The most frequently quoted out of context and misinterpreted is Ephesians 5: 22 to 33. "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord..." Most importantly, it goes on to say "..husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies" and finishes with "a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery — but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."
I believe this is an important part of the Christian way. Together with such passages as The Song of Solomon it makes it quite clear that marriage - or any long-term relationship - is a partnership of love and pleasure, not least physical pleasure. The word "submit" is far from being an order to follow every thought and whim of your husband. A better translation might be "allow", because it is telling you not to put up any barriers that make it difficult for your husband to follow the proper path and you along with him.
Of equal importance are, I believe, the numerous passages that stress the importance and joy of having children. I find it difficult to accept that if your husband's beliefs are as deep as yours he could reject that. If your situation really cannot support having a child then yes, adoption seems the only way to go. Many people with severe financial problems and who really should have waited to have children do cope and manage, and the love of a child can bring them closer together. If it's not possible in your circumstances and will only lead to conflict and unhappiness, then adoption is what you must do. It's far from ideal to let the baby go - I was adopted and have been unable to find my birth mother despite several years of searching. And yet my adoptive parents were as close and remain as important to me as any birth mother could ever be. Your child will not lose out by being adopted, but you may deeply regret losing him/her even though I know your love will go with your baby.
Whatever you decide must be your decision, taking into account your husband's wishes and the practicalities of what will work and what will not. What I think you should not do is to take a path that you feel to be wrong even if your husband is insistent. He may have got it wrong, and the influences that are telling him to take that path may not be Christian at all.
My thoughts are with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): After reading other aunts replys hunny I agree with all of them, Everyone of these replys has truth in it, I did not feel it to be correct christian practice to force your wife into sex be so rushed to not use common sense to use a condom then shout at you for being pregnant...This to me after reading your post more than a few times I found to be more of an controlling marriage than a loving one..And was it not said that god is love somewere? Your husband has no right to dictate to you at all, hunny this is your body your child and also your decition if you dont wish to go through with any of this traumatic experience then dont..Talk with your family, We are all born with freedom of choice.. lexilou has it right when she says religion makes life very complicated and dont rush in to anything...
Dr Vendetta has alot of good points to make and the last bit of his advice about your husband being a decent human being is so very true, He seems far from it.... core_confusion has also made very good points..Treating others as you would wish to be treated. you have much to think about love I do hope you can come to a decition that makes YOU! happy WITH LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
male
reader, core_confusion +, writes (30 April 2008):
 I guess there's a couple of things here. Firstly, I am strongly of the Christian faith but I personally believe that the passages of the Bible that talk about female subservience were writeen that way because that it the way that society was at the time. There are also many passages of the Bible that advocate equality and treating others as you would wish to be treated. The Lord does not just speak through one person, he can speak through many people in many ways - as can the Devil. I'm not going to tell you what to do, that would make me as unhelful as your husband. I know people who have had abortions and it has destroyed them for many years to come. I guess that if you dont feel you are in a position to offer the life that you want for your child then adoption would be an option. Ulitmately though, this is a choice that both of you need to consider but I would personally say that you have more of the power in this decision than he does.
I grew up as an only child in a household with very little money. 'No' was a word that I was very used to hearing and at the time I guess maybe I did feel like I was missing out a little. Looking back at it now, I'm glad that I was there - parents are worth more than money.
The final thing that strikes me from what you have written, and I hope you dont take offence at this, Despite what he may claim, your hsuband is not living as a Christian in forcing you to feel that you have to say 'yes' every time he wants sex and trying to dominate you. A true Christian marriage should be equal and loving. I know that there is a passage in the Bible somewhere to support almost any view, should you choose to find it and take it out of context. I prefer to read each chapter as a whole and think of the overall message of Christianity - 'Love each other and believe in the Lord' Preaching forgiveness makes us vulnerable from those who would seek to take advantage, thats a risk we take. But to be taken advantage of by someone who claims to love you is unacceptable. Forgiving someone does not mean allowing yourself to be bullied by them.
God willing you will find your way through this to a happy outcome that you both want. My prayers are with you, both for you to find the answer you want and for you to find the strength to tell your husband that he is taking advantage of you. God be with you. If you need anything else, let me know.
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A
male
reader, Dr Vendetta +, writes (30 April 2008):
 * rubs his grubby lil' mitts togehter *
ok. i'm agnostic and going to hell.
now we've cleared that up. i think you need to Step out of the role of the Jesus fan club for a minute, you need to take religion out of the situation here.
you're between the ages of 18-21. and you are being pressured into sex. did you know that a women can be raped by her husband?
Juust because you're married to someone, no matter what faith or religion it does not mean they OWN you like a piece of property. ( Had this been God's will all women would have been born with forsale signs in their hands )
To start with. you should have been on the pill..
secondly if your husband ejaculates inside you changes are, you're gonna end up with a bun in the oven. ( Thats not God's will, thats your husband screwing while unprotected )
Now.. slightly returning to the religious aspects of this.
I can safely assume your darling husband is also a member of the JC fan club yes?
So, i have to ask this.. and you're not gonna like it. but tis cold hard facts.
What the hell kinda Christian is he to want you to have an abortion or put it up for adobption?
Look, you might be a sheep of God, but that doesn't give your husband the right to play sheppard. your husbands word is Not law.
Your life is going to radicly change, whever you want it to or not, and i'm not just talking about the baby thats on the way. This is no longer about you and your husband. this is about you and the innocent life inside you.
I am pro choice. in very early stages.. fine no problem. however adobption?.. i know many kids who ahve been adopbted and its a rotten thing for them to have to go through. most end up being mistreated or abused... as i'm sure you've seen on the news about the childrens home in england where they were abused and even some were murdered.
I'm sorry but your husband sounds far from a good christian..
in fact he sounds far from being a decent human being.
Remember this isn't about you and your husband anymore.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): Hi Sweetheart
I have been brought up by a very religious family hunny, I must tell you that I no longer go to church but have my beliefs, I believe that god has given us freedom of choice this being the way we learn, Your husband is he of your faith love? I cant tell you what to do, I can how ever tell you I am adopted I would not have had the upbringing I have had but I very much wanted to no my roots so I found my birth parents, My mother had been crying for 30yrs even though it was her choice as my family had problems were to much for her to cope with...You are left with a very difficult decition to make its your body and you are going through this, You will carry the child and your husband will be the one who decides what is done. After the child is born hunny and as you as a mother wish to keep your child you will feel pain, And there could be a resentment towards your husband for making your choices for you. I would talk with you pastor about this sweetheart Im sure he will understand and be a good help to you...MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU HUNNY WITH LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (30 April 2008):
 Religion makes life very complicated and you will face many conflicts but surely in your heart you know you cant give the baby up. Im a catholic but I am not anti this or that rather I am pro choice. I think that you would find it very hard to give up your baby and would not forgive yourself. You are married and there is no reason why you couldnt raise this baby in that marriage - everyone has financial issues when they become pregnant but most are overcome with careful planning and finding out what benefits etc you may be entitled to. Dont rush into anything and talk to your family who may offer to support you if you want to bring the baby up alone. Your husband cannot force you to do something you dont want to do. Good luck x
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