A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married a little over a year and it has been extremely difficult. When we were dating he was so sweet and so generous, I honestly never imagined we would ever be struggling like we are now. I expected a marriage where we share things equally... that is not what I got.As soon as we got married he started acting very authoritarian and expecting me to do whatever he says just “because you’re my wife”. The first couple months were so difficult because we argued constantly. Even though we are both working (although mine is only part time) he demands that I do ALL of the housework - shopping, cooking, cleaning, clothes washing, etc. He is not willing to contribute at all, not even folding clothes or drying dishes or anything. We would argue literally every day until I finally just gave up and started doing everything because otherwise nothing would get done.He is incredibly lazy. As soon as he comes home from work he lays down on the couch and watches TV for the rest of the night until we get in bed (we eat dinner on the couch too... sad but true). On weekends he lays in bed until noon and won’t even get dressed. While I’m cooking our meals and washing his clothes and cleaning he is on the couch in his undies doing nothing but TV and internet all day. And he is so sweaty even though he’s not active at all. So he stinks.Then there’s sex. He gets unbelievably horny every single night and won’t stop pressuring me until I give him what he wants. We used to argue for hours but I gave up on that months ago. Now if I don’t feel like doing it, I just give him oral and try to finish it as quick as possible so he’ll shut up and fall asleep. I get zero enjoyment.To be fair, early on we had good mutually-enjoyable sex but it’s become less and less enjoyable thanks to his weight. This is hard to talk about because weight is a really touchy subject for me. I’m not skinny and I’m never going to be - just not built that way. I have always struggled with my weight but I am TRYING to improve. He has put in zero effort to control his weight. He has let himself go.I am 5’2” and I was 145 pounds when we got married. I TRIED to lose weight during our engagement. I didn’t lose as much as I wanted and I look big in our photos... but I TRIED. Today I am 172 pounds. Yes I have gained weight because of stress. I know I’m a little bit overweight and I am working on myself and starting a diet. Neither my husband nor I have ever been super active. But I’m trying to walk more and count steps (4,000/day to start).In contrast I see zero effort from him. He is 5’9” and was 180 when we got married... and he’s 230 now. So he is obese. He was chubby when we were dating but I never thought he would be “obese”. All his weight is around his tummy/gut. I have had to buy all new clothes for him (he makes me do the shopping) several times already and that’s not cheap. His waist size has gone from 36 to 44. He gets out of breath just walking up the stairs. He has no stamina during sex. When he’s on top and his belly is pressing against me and he’s so heavy I feel uncomfortable but he refuses to let me be on top. His tummy looks gross with big fat rolls, it turns me off so fast. I’m not shallow and I don’t expect 6-pack abs because I’m not perfect either and I also have tummy rolls. But this is too much. I don’t even like looking at him when he’s laying in his undies because he looks like a big pig.I can’t believe THIS is my husband. And he keeps getting worse. Like early on, if he wanted more snacks or beer or anything he would just get up and go get it. Now he just lays there and yells to me till I bring it to him. I feel like I am taking care of a baby. His favorite thing now is making me massage his shoulders and rub his back while he watches TV and eats junk food.I know it’s my fault because I constantly give in and spoil him. Its my natural reaction because I’m a very giving person and I really do want him to feel happy. I know I should toughen up more but he is SO stubborn and it’s so much easier to just bring him the beer or rub his back or rub his dick or whatever he wants versus arguing.But then he made comments that I “need to lose weight” and said my tummy hangs out and my butt isn’t as tight as he wants. I am so pissed off at him now. My blood is boiling. Yes I am a little chubby but so are 99% of real women. He is totally obese and his fat constantly grossed me out but I have never said anything because I’m trying to be a sweet and nice wife. How dare he make those comments about tummy and my butt when he has gained twice as much as me!!!I don’t even know where to begin to turn this around. Divorce is NOT an option. I really love him and I just want to get back the sweet fiancé I used to have. I don’t know what went wrong. I am finding out that his parents spoiled him like crazy when he was a kid and he never did any chores so housework is foreign to him. His parents had a marriage where the husband was very authoritarian and the wife was very submissive. So I guess that’s the model he knows. Every time I try to talk to him, we just argue and I feel awful. I don’t even know where to start.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (5 November 2019):
 Thanks for writing back. Alternating sexual positions is actually a giant step. It is a taking turns example. I need to remind you that taking turns is not the goal, it's just the first step. Sexually the goal is where both of you are giving and concerned about your partner's sexual success. You know how you feel about making sure he gets an O every day? He needs to come into every sexual situation thinking, "I'm going to make sure she has the best time with me." Part of moving him to that state is making sure he knows how much you enjoy it when he does things for you. (like letting you take top) Be vocal, be visual, be demonstrative.
Sure we could sit down with your husband and man to man tell him what a jerk he is being, and explain to him the benefits of a partner based sexual relationship, but he will get the message much quicker if it comes from you. He will believe the look on your face more than 1000 words.
Now a word about weight. I'm fat, I'm diabetic, I'm older than 50. If when I was your age, and your husband's age, someone had motivated me to stay in shape, my life would not be what it is now. I'm telling you this to motivate you to motivate him. I wouldn't be diabetic. I wouldn't have to walk with a walking stick because half of the nerves in my feet are dead. I wouldn't have low testosterone. I wouldn't have erectile dysfunction. I wouldn't have High blood pressure. I wouldn't need to take a hand full of pill twice a day. I wouldn't need to give myself shots. And the list goes on, and it doesn't get better.
Now all you have to do to motivate him is to lose weight and dress well. This works on 90% of people. Here is how it will work. When you go out he will see men looking at you. He will know that he isn't as attractive as you are. He won't be able to keep up with you walking. He will be huffing and puffing and you will be waiting. No male ego can take that. He will have no choice but to save himself, so he can keep you. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a woman who will give you multiple oral sex in one week?
Keep it up. Keep insisting on getting your turn, every other time without fail. Keep watching your weight and counting your steps. You should be pushing 5000/day this week or soon. You love him, Great! every time you push him you are literally saving his life.
Expect him to keep pushing back. Every overweight person does, I know. it's part of the situation, just another thing you have to deal with sorry.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 November 2019):
 You are BOTH having to adapt, it's fart of relationships and marriage... AND life.
Instead of TALKING about HIS weight, MAKE a plan for yourself to lose whatever you want to lose. And then WORK on that. INVITE him to join you IN that, but losing weight is at the end of the day, UP TO HIM!
So if you want to start out gently with a daily walk or bike ride, then GET off your bum and DO it and INVITE him to join you. He might not want to in the beginning, but perhaps if he SEES you making an effort HE might want to do the same. Which means you don't HAVE to spell it out that he should lose weight too (he knows he needs to) but if he DOES bring up YOUR weight and YOUR body don't just soak in that, give it back to him and REMIND him that HE also could use some work, he is no Adonis himself.
It will probably take you two YEARS to find a balance in your marriage and THAT is OK as LONG as both of you put in the work, the effort and the COMPROMISES.
YOU can be a GREAT wife and tell him no. TRUST me! Saying yes to everything DOESN'T make you a better wife. Think about it. IF you told your future kids YES to EVERYTHING, what would they become? SPOILED little entitled brats!
Good for you for taking steps to improve your marriage instead of giving up so soon, but know this, YOU have a voice too and should be heard. YOU have an opinion and CAN be right too.
Keep working at it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2019): You can seek marriage-counseling; it usually helps women who are too timid to confront their unyielding husbands. If you're expecting counseling to change him, that is highly unlikely. You have to learn how to stand-up to him, and to be taken seriously. You've admitted to being too passive to stand your ground.
He is what he always was, he didn't change into what he is. You saw redflags before you married the guy; and you thought being a "good-wife" would change him. He went from being a slim jerk, to an overweight and disgusting jerk. It's not just about adapting to married-life; you have to be treated with love, kindness, tenderness, and respect. That's what you married him for. Not to be his maid and go-fetch-it! The role you must have played during your courtship. He married you because he knew you'd be a great live-in maid, cook, and housekeeper. You fussed over him as a boyfriend; and that's why he married you.
Let's see how long you can hold-up under all this before you're crushed by it. You wouldn't write such long posts; unless you felt under total distress.
If you'll ever get-up the nerve, you might suggest marriage-counseling to him; but he'll yell at you, and insist you're the problem. You have to offer him an ultimatum first. Suggest considering a "divorce," or get marriage-counseling.
Your mental-health is too fragile to take too much more of this. I can tell by your lengthy posts, you're crying-out for help! He's being terrible. He let-up for a few days; but it'll be back to business as usual, and worse! Marriage-counseling does not turn bad-choices into good marriages. Counseling assists couples in dealing with their difficult marital-issues; provided both are willing and committed to it. You've got a hot mess on your hands!
"But I love him..." always comes just before doing absolutely nothing.
Eyeswideopen said is best: "Sooooo when do expect this to get better if you do nothing?"
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (5 November 2019):
 STOP worrying about pleasing HIM, what is HE doing to please YOU?? You’re still giving in to his demands, you’re basically being backed into a corner to suck his dick every night when you don’t want to just so he doesn’t watch porn. That is NOT respectful behaviour on his part, surely he can go to sleep without ejaculating, he’s not going to keel over and die without it is he? You make him cum and he can’t even be assed to have the same courtesy for you? WHY? That is the important thing here, WHY will he not reciprocate these things that he is expecting of you?
He needs a kick up the backside, you were straight up with him about the cleaning and what not and it has changed. Why not do that for everything? Just tell him directly ‘I am NOT happy with x’, ‘I want this to change’ etc, stop being so afraid of upsetting him and tell him what YOU expect of him for this relationship to work both ways.
I’d you’re both unhappy with your weight then go to the gym TOGETHER. Cook healthy meals TOGETHER. One half of the relationship doesn’t have to do everything.
If all else fails then suggest the councilling and if he says no then it shows he is NOT willing to change for the future of the relationship. That tells you all you need to know.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2019): He sounds truly awful. You say you love him, but when did you last think "wow, I'm so happy to be married to him!"?
Look at it this way, your enabling his sloth-like lifestyle is probably going to lead to his early demise. In the long run, it may be better for both of you to split up.
Best of luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice... I am realizing I struggle with self-worth and I guess always pleasing/satisfying him makes me feel good about myself because I really wanna be a good wife and I’m always afraid I’m not good enough. I really do love him and I’m a naturally submissive person so it’s really hard for me to say “no” to people especially my husband.
I tried to talk to him about some of this stuff but it’s really hard. I told him I’m not gonna be his maid or butler, not gonna bring him stuff whenever he wants, not gonna clean up after him all the time. He didn’t understand and was really pissed off.... I felt awful.... however since then things have gotten a little better. He eventually stopped being upset and he isn’t as demanding as before. I’m still doing all the housework and he is still getting zero exercise. I’m afraid to bring up the topic of weight because it’s still so touchy. If I mention his weight then he is gonna criticize me for my weight and I feel really insecure about that. I’m really afraid of becoming too chubby for him and I really really want to be attractive to him.
I did tell him that I don’t like when he’s on top of me during sex because he’s heavy and I don’t like his belly. I tried to be very direct and explain to him that I have made him orgasm literally every single day for over a year but I haven’t felt one in months.... He was very resistant at first but we tried with me on top and I felt much more comfortable, but he didn’t like it as much. So we are going to alternate. And I don’t want to have sex every night but I’m still giving him oral every night if we don’t have sex because he gets very horny and says he can’t sleep unless he gets a release. I know you guys told me to stop giving in all the time but I really want to satisfy him sexually, otherwise I’m afraid he’ll just look at other girls online and masturbate which would make me feel awful.
I feel a little better now but we still have so many problems and I am wondering if we should see a marriage counselor but he would freak out if I ever suggested that. He doesn’t think anything is wrong and was shocked when I told him I wasn’t happy.
Please don’t worry about kids - we are not gonna have them anytime soon!! Adjusting to life as a married couple has been so hard I can’t even imagine adding kids to the mix. Hopefully we can improve our marriage and think about kids years from now but I don’t feel ready for that now and he is not in a rush to have kids either so that’s good!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2019): Do yourself a favour and dont have a lightbulb moment that having a child will change him, quite honestly his behaviour will only get worse.
Sorry but he sees you as a pushover, knows at the moment you are still in love with what he portrayed himself to be and he WILL NOT CHANGE unless you at least attempt to wisen up.
My partner does a couple of things that outright piddle me off, he has been told in no uncertain terms I am not putting up with it and if he carries on what he has agreed also is not right he will be moving out. The only way you have any chance with your man is to set boundaries and if he carries on you walk.
I'm doubtful he will change and I'm doubtful you will do much until you are so downtrodden you look back in years to come and realise what a waste of your life you have spent with this lazy, smelly fat pig, your own description!
Divorce IS an option, you live in a western society where women are lucky enough to have that right without fear, he reeled you in with his fake niceness, now he either shapes up or you ship the loser out!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2019): You have basically wrote in to vent because the charade of being a sweet man ended when he married you. You still love him so will put up with it until you wake up to the reality of who he really is and wonder to yourself what you ever saw in him.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (29 October 2019):
At one year it's not too late. you have a lot of solid advice here. I have a few odd suggestions for you.
Switch up his snacks. Diet sodas instead of beer. Low carb snack foods. No chips (crisps), cakes, cookies (biscuits). Vegies, meats(lean), nuts. I know that the calories are similar, but those carbs build estrogen and fat. He needs to pump up his testosterone. Also he eats what you eat. if you make a chicken salad for dinner that's what he eats too. Your BMI's were equal when you married, now he is way ahead. So no special treatment. You can tell him that it is hard for you to lose weight when those foods are in the house.
Second. Invite him to activity with you. And when you make those invitations, make sure you are touching him. it sends a message. Hey, I'm going for a walk, want to come with me? Just like that. And if he says no just go anyway. He will start to get jealous of your time. Hopefully.
Third. Start with laundry, or the dishwashing machine. Guys like machines and getting good results out of your machine is satisfying to the ego. It might not work with him, but it's worth a try.
Last, you need to introduce the concept of my turn, your turn. This applies to the above suggestion. But start in the bedroom. This time is my turn, you just lie on the bed and let me do What I want to do. Tie him down if you have to. (safety note if you don't know jack about knots, use velcro). Then start introducing his turn into housework and cooking and especially massage.
Most successful couples are partners, not dictatorships. House work is never a trouble when both partners see the work as something that needs to be done that I can and will do. You are only a year in. The habits can be fixed. Including the weight, and the lazy and especially the sex.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (29 October 2019):
Divorce is not an option but you haven’t described a single thing you like about him?
You are his slave. You’ve literally accepted being this mans slave. You tried to argue your side in the earlier days and that didn’t work and now you’ve given in and you’re doing everything around the house. If he wouldn’t listen when you actually TRIED to get him to help, what other options do you have than to leave this guy?
A lot of posts state that they are being ‘made’ to do things. Unless he has a gun to your head he isn’t making you do anything. He is asking you to do things and you’re doing them. Simply stop. If you don’t do something then he will have to do it himself if he wants whatever he’s asking for. In all honesty, I don’t see what you’re getting out of this, he lured you into a relationship with a front and then revealed his true colours. People do that, it’s a sad state of affairs but it happens, either you accept that this is your life now, put your foot down and STOP doing what you’re doing and have him look after his own lazy ass and if that doesn’t work, you find someone who treats you like a human being and not their runaround.
You marry people because you love them, not for free labour.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (29 October 2019):
 If only we had a magic wand which could "fix" your marriage. Of course you know we DON'T. There are no painless short cuts here, nor any way of making your marriage any better without confrontation from you and severe resistance from your husband. Why SHOULD he give up the pampered selfish lifestyle to which YOU have allowed him to become accustomed? I totally get that you get tired of fighting and you back down to keep the peace. However, this is making YOU unhappy, so how are you going to fix it?
The only person who can make any of this better is YOU. Are you ready to take on the challenge and make your marriage better? Or do you just intend putting up with whatever your "master's" wishes are and knuckling under as you have been doing?
And I have to ask: WHY is divorce not an option? What is it you love about this man? His selfishness? His temper? His bullying behaviour? His gross personal hygiene habits? His sloth? His criticism of you? What?
You are his wife and his equal. You are NOT his mother. You are NOT his slave. You are not his sex doll. Grow a back bone and start demanding what you want - just as strongly as him and just as loudly. You are not helpless. Take back some power in this relationship otherwise this is your future. The choice is YOURS.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2019): You're a chronic-complainer and an enabler. You want a magical-change. We're fresh out of magic wands, spells, and magical-potions for lazy overweight husbands.
Here's the problem. You submit to being pushed around, insulted, and disgusted. You don't say no, when you don't want sex.
Divorce is not an option. What do you want from us?
Buy yourself some sound-cancelling headphones. Disappear somewhere into the house, when your housework is done. If he asks for a snack, bring him a salad. If he demands sex, get-up and go sleep on the couch. Buy another bed, or a fold-away couch. When he starts shouting at you, have a ready-packed bag. Ready to go! Either for you, or for him.
Go stay with your parents, or get a motel room on alternate weekends. Offer to compromise, if he takes umbrage to these arrangements. You're sick and tired of arguing. Select and program your favorite music, and go sit in the car. Take your tablet or laptop; listen to some jams, or watch some movies. You can even setup your wireless sound-cancelling earphones to watch your smart TV. Pretend he's not there when he's bloating on the couch, like the giant queen termite you've seen on Animal Planet.
Rebellion works for teenagers. It also works for wives with husbands who have lost their freaking minds. He's getting worse, because you're making him worse. All that wanting to please stuff? You'll get over it!!!
You're talking such a load of nonsense, girlfriend! You'll get fed-up!
Did you marry his dad? What's his father got to do with your marriage?
So...whatcha gonna do if the body-snatchers don't give you your sweet lovable fiance back?
You do the shopping. Shop nutritious for yourself; and let him shop for himself. If he won't help with laundry, buy a large plastic garbage can from Z-mart. Toss his dirty clothes in there with some laundry detergent. He'll figure it out.
Don't write for advice unless you intend to use it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2019): I want to give you advice but I think that you are way too timid to follow it! That is sad, to me, because you should have nipped this in the bud just as soon as it began! Ok, you buy groceries, so NO junk food! Only healthy balanced meals and portion controls! Buy NO beer! Guess whats easier than you rubbing his dick, or whatever? HE RUBS his own! He wants sex? He refuses to let you ride on top? He must NOT want sex then! Do not shop for clothes for him! Do not fold his clothes, or wash them, or pick them up, from where he lays them when he takes them off! He will learn quick or work dirty or work nude! End the blowjobs! If you don t orgasm, then he won t get to cum either, at least not inside any orafice of yours! Do not be his runner, to go get things! Wives are coequals of the husband! You are NOT subserviant to him! If he complains about healthier eating, cook your own food, and let him cook his own! If he cannot compromise then he should have remained single! Just stick to your guns and he will wise up!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 October 2019):
My advice, STOP FUCKING giving in!
STOP picking up after him, STOP doing HIS laundry, STOP being subservient if THAT is NOT what you want.
He knows just "bullying" you into to doing it works, so YOU need to make the change in what;s going on.
TELL him, I am NOT your mother, and I am NOT your maid. I am your wife and while I GET that you "think" all the house chores should be done by me, I don't agree and from now on, YOU can do your own laundry etc. I WANT to be a good wife, not a house-elf, but I also WANT a good husband who is my equal, not my master. THEN, stick to it. Don't be a soggy sock and "give in" because it's EASIER.
There will ALWAYS be some conflicts, compromises and adaptations in a marriage, especially if you didn't LIVE together before the marriage. BUT... that doesn't mean it's HIS way or the highway constantly... UNLESS you keep giving up and giving in.
HE will have to adapt too.
You keep saying "HE is "making me" do this or that... NO. Just no. You are doing yourself NO favors by "doing as you are told" all the time. Then you are SETTING yourself up for failure. While I get the whole "I want to be a sweet and nice wife" I GET IT, but you are being a FAKE sweet wife if you REALLY DON'T feel like sex or rubbing his back and just do it to please him.
NEXT time he criticize YOUR body tell him:" OK why don't we BOTH start making an effort to lose weight together because you CHUBBY HUBBY could also stand to lose a bit yourself." USE a SWEET tone and a smile. Harder for him to get pissy.
YOU want change in the home, YOU be the change. I can tell you this... it took me 7 years to "GET/TEACH" my husband to no just drop dirty clothes on the floor in the bedroom/bathroom (instead of the hamper) I asked him all the time to USE the hamper, because I didn't mind washing his clothes, but picking his dirty clothes up after him was a no no. But he "forgot" so many times that I simply STOPPED washing and picking up his clothes and MY GROWN ASS man ran out of clean uniforms and clothes. And guess what? HE started to do his OWN laundry. He still does 14 +years later! I was mine and ours, he washes his (on occasion, mostly his work clothes only, as his "normal clothes goes in the hamper and I then wash it). I do cook most evenings, we do the shopping together ( I make the lists as I also make the menu for the month) We share the gardening chores, I do the majority of the cleaning (the basement, however is his).
As for the sex, DON'T make it a chore and don't just do it to shut him up. Tell him that it is AS much HIS job as it is yours to make sex good for you both. REMIND him how it USED to be and that you QUITE frankly am NOT enjoying it any more, but WANT to. It will REQUIRE his participation and effort and work not just yours. You are not some blow up doll for him to use.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2019): Divorce him.It will never get better...only worse.Do it now.Whatever you do use birth control...never have a child with this man.He changed who he was after you got married so the whole time you dated and were engaged he lied to you about who he really is.Why are you still there?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (29 October 2019):
 Sooooo when do expect this to get better if you do nothing?
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