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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I'm in a bad spot. Never thought I'd reach out online for help but I'm at the end of my rope.I have a strong gut feeling my husband of 5 years is cheating on me. Our relationship has been strained lately because of my anxiety. It's a doubled edged sword, you see, because although I had anxiety before I met him, it escalated to a level that I've never experienced before due to my husband's actions which constantly put me on high alert. There is no reprieve. I live in a state of panic every single day, worrying about who he is talking to behind my back and who he is auditioning to replace me because I am no longer new and fun and have issues. He blames me and my anxiety for having trust issues and panic attacks but I blame him for making me feel anxious and I blame his actions which bring on my panic attacks. He does not take any responsibility for his actions. He turns around and gas lights me, tears me down, and punishes me with passive aggressiveness. He doesn't see what he's doing wrong and he continues to deny any wrong doing. But I JUST KNOW he is whoring around behind my back. The constant arguments are taking a toll on us. But I can't seem to let it go. He wants me to trust and respect him. I can't. It seems that something deep inside me is preventing me from trusting him. I can't allow myself. It's like my built in self protection instinct has been in high gear. Lately it's been stronger. I found a bitmoji of himself in his email sent folder a few weeks ago. It was his bitmoji falling in love, surrounded by hearts. He sent it to himself. I'm not sure why. I asked him. He said he liked it. No reason. But it started me thinking he saved it so that he could send it to another woman. He has never done anything like that before. And he actually sent it to himself in the wee hours while he was supposed to be asleep next to me!I know I'm wrong to check his phone but when the anxiety is so high it stops you from breathing, you become desperate for it to stop. In my case, that means finding out the truth at all costs. My husband is the king of denial and gas lighting. He makes me feel like everything is my fault. That I am paranoid, insecure and imagining things which are not happening. Do you know what it's like when you feel it in your gut you've lost your husband's attention and yet you are told your feelings don't matter, and that you're to blame and something is wrong with you? Back to his phone. Every time I suspected he was communicating with someone else, I checked the battery usage on his phone. It dropped 6 to 10 percent within a half hour. He denies he was even on his phone. I don't believe him as his battery never used to drop this much. This is a new pattern emerging. He doesn't use his phone much but lately I've noticed his phone habits changing. Again, he denies being on it. And I DON'T believe him. Awhile back the battery dropped and he replaced it. Now he has a heavy duty battery but it's dropping again. He keeps telling me he's not on it. But he went outside the house on two occasions when the battery dropped. I feel he went outside for privacy. I've caught him on his phone and he changed screens saying he was toggling back and forth between word games and email. I'm not so sure.He is leaving for a trip to Phoenix in a few weeks. He has family there. I'm worried he has a fuck buddy down there. And she might be the one he is talking to. I'm sick with anxiety. I'm panicked about his trip. If he's going to deceive me and tear out my heart behind my back. Is he already? I can't live like this, on constant alert. He is saying I'm not the happy woman he used to know. Of course I'm not. Would you be happy if every fibre of your being told you you're married to a selfish asshole who is whoring around behind your back? What do I do? I just know he's hurting me but I can't find the solid proof that I need which confirms that I am of sound mind, not crazy or paranoid but actually quite intelligent and intuitive. And bang on right.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2019): OP your reply as nice as it is to fatherly advice shows nothing anyone says is going to change your mindset and look at things another way. Your marriage will fail eventually, it cannot work without trust.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2019): Wow. Your post is overwhelming and I can see you are overwhelmed by these feelings.
First of all, you talk about him gaslighting you all the time and that his actions put you on high alert, but you never say what those actions are?
From the tone of your post, it does sound like your anger, and belief in him cheating and being an "asshole" as you say, has been going on for months if not years. Your feelings are evidently causing you to accuse, berate, and name call (even if the name-calling part is here to a bunch of strangers on the internet)...it is easy to see the tone of your relationship, where you are constantly in "attack mode" at your husband, and look down on him.
Don't get me wrong, I DO sympathize with your anxiety, even potentially misplaced anxiety, but I think we need to look at this rationally.
You "JUST KNOW" he is whoring around- but the thing is- you DON't know- no one could "just know". Intuition only goes so far, and often intuitive people are right but many times they are wrong as well. Because fear influences intuition and distorts it- your OWN fear.
Now don't get me wrong, I think there are observant parts of your post I will get to. But something really stuck out to me. You end your post by talking about how "I can't find the proof I need which proves I am of sound mind, not crazy or paranoid but actually quite intelligent and intuitive..." Listen...if you ARE wrong, that DOESN"T mean you are crazy. It doesn't mean you aren't intuitive, nor intelligent. Everyone is wrong sometimes. I feel like this statement, and the whole tone of your post, you are obsessed with proving that you are RIGHT, and therefore validating yourself somehow. Your anxiety somehow centers around this, as twisted as this is, you WANT to be right about your husband having an affair, it proves your worst heartbreaking suspicions, but it also proves that your hypothesis is correct. And, you have created yourself as almost a detective character solving a crime or a hunter pursuing its prey and you just HAVE to nail this down to prove yourself worthy.
I cannot stress enough that you should consider counselling for this dangerous tendency.
Have you ever heard the phrase: self fulfilling prophecy?
Unfortunately I fear that IS the road you are going down (or maybe already there). Months or years of accusing your husband relentlessly, and never being able to be wrong, over-analyzing every move he makes (why can't he use his phone, btw?) ....this is enough to drive anyone away and right into the arms of an affair. No matter how beautiful or charming you are. Listen to your husband! He is telling you you are not the same happy woman he fell for. He sees the changes taking place before him, and your darkness is taking over. Get help and hope it isn't too late!
As for the issues that you believe may point to an affair:
1) I do agree that the sending an emoji late at night to himself is strange. This is the only slight strange thing in your post...again I hope that your angry and paranoid behaviour hasn't already driven him to have a flirtation with someone else (self -fulfilling prophecy). BUT this could easily be nothing, could just be he liked the picture and was going to send it to his mom.
2) The phone battery business is just way beyond reason...first of all, of course a phone dies faster when someone goes outside...temperature affects the battery life! And in any event, just because a man uses a phone doesn't mean he is cheating! He could be checking sports scores! Do you see how many men are on their cell phones all the time? Do you think they are all cheating? Heck no.
3) You mention him travelling. Does he travel often? If so, I would bet this plays into your anxiety, as it would be natural to feel left out in the cold and like you don't really know what is going on. WHy don't you travel with him next time?
I think your first step is to get yourself mental health help. If he truly IS having an affair, it will come out in time. But my guess is that he isn't (yet), but if you keep up this behaviour he just may go down that road because you are literally driving him over the edge.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2019): Hi Fatherly Advice, it's the person who posted the question. I wish I had the money to hire a private investigator but I don't. It's the first thing I thought of. Sadly it's not possible or I would. They are all so very expensive. I tried finding investigators who would take pity on my level on mental anguish and despair but everyone is in it for the money. Nobody will help me. :(
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (28 October 2019):
 Get evidence before you start accusing. When you accuse without enough evidence, a guilty person gets time to hide the evidence. I know advice too late.
You came to us saying that his "actions" are causing you increased anxiety. But in your whole post the only actions you accuse are sending himself an emoji and going outside with his phone. I'm guessing you have more?
With what you have written there are two possible diagnosis. One he has gaslighted you successfully and you are going around the bend with paranoia and crippling anxiety. Or he is innocent and you are going around the bend with paranoia and crippling anxiety. Either way you need some help. You can't go on like this.
If you really Have to know, then hire an investigator.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2019): Whew, you've got my head swimming! People who suffer anxiety-disorder and paranoia, need to be on a very serious therapy-programs; in order to function and manage their attacks. Good doctors may experiment and change his or her prescriptions and recommended-therapies from time to time.
Let me address this thing about "gut-feelings." We all have a limited amount of intuition, calculated-perception, and instinct. They are not the same as going by visual or material-evidence. They are nothing more than a hunch. Meant only to make us cautious or vigilant. Not totally paranoid, overcome with hysteria, and fear!!! They are derived from our primitive-instincts of fight or flight. They are inherent in our humanity, filed under "survival-skills." They are better-developed in some people than others; but by the same token, they are an "illness" in some of us. They can become an overactive-imagination, or out-of-control impulses; and too often trusted in the place of the truth, or fact! It can be contagious and form mobs!
You seriously need to seek therapy and counseling to help you to calm yourself. You are driving both yourself, and your husband, crazy! Your rampant and unchecked-suspicions are destroying your marriage. You cannot draw the worst or most extreme conclusions; based on tiny hints or random clues you pull out of thin-air! Sweetheart, you're giving-in to your worst nightmares, submitting to paranoia, and you never give yourself a moment's rest! If you left his phone alone, that would solve some of your issues. You blow everything out of proportion, and contrive all sorts of scenarios; based on nothing at all! His phone?
Fear is an emotion, based on worrying or being anxious about what "might happen;" without sufficient evidence (or any proof) to confirm "it will happen." Wisdom evokes precaution, and fear provokes chaos!
There isn't much advice anyone can give; but to suggest that you either seek yourself a reputable psychologist, or psychotherapist. Maybe change the one you have! If you're seeing someone now, and you don't seem to show any progress in your present course of therapy and treatment. You are troubled, and wrestling with many demons. You're projecting all your anxieties and fears onto the closest person to you. That being your husband. You accuse him of cheating, but not once have you presented any substantial evidence to support your suspicions. I mean...bitmojis or checking his battery usage?!! What the hell?!!
First, sweetheart, your spirit needs peace. If you've ever practiced worship and prayer; now is the time to pursue your spiritual peace. You need a holy sanctuary and place just to rest. You need meditation and spiritual-fulfillment, that therapists don't and can't provide. If you're a nonbeliever, and all of this particular advice seems like fantasy; then totally disregard any mention of it. In troubled-times, I've found worship and prayer enormously comforting and uplifting. When I'm in pain and fear, I leave no stone unturned! I tap into every perceivable resource at my disposal; and my most reliable source is GOD!
If you're on a regimen of antidepressants and anxiety-meds, and they're collecting dust in your medicine cabinet, or petrifying in your purse; I think you may be long past-due for a psych-evaluation. Just to see if there is a need for another form of mental health-care and psychiatric-counseling. One-size therapy does not fit all!
Some older-doctors may have great reputations and many patients; but there are new doctors in mental-healthcare with the latest in treatment and therapies. It just might be time for a change. Do your research, with your husband's help. Maybe it's time you use him for more than a lightning rod, or a whipping-post! Give the guy a break!
My "gut-feeling" is that you don't go to therapy like you should. Perhaps you don't take your prescribed-meds; and you're trying to wingit without professional-management of your anxiety-disorder. Your post almost describes and illustrates a person completely off their meds!!! That, or someone who does everything they can to resist treatment; and merely shows-up for appointments, just because they have to. Your doctor schedules you to come, and force of habit gets you there. That's that!
I foresee your husband reaching the proverbial last-straw! He is aware of your illness, has obviously dealt with your ways for years; but his condescending to you isn't helping. He's just "putting-up" with you; and defending himself when cornered. That's no life, my dear! Eventually, enough is enough! You might as well do whatever you're accused of; or rid yourself of your accuser! Those are his options!
Seek a new doctor! Perhaps whomever you're seeing at the present isn't helping you. You're obviously not a fool. You know right from wrong, and up from down! I will be bluntly honest with you. Always blaming bad-behavior on your illness is also a built-in tool of manipulation. Pull-off a full-scale performance of psycho-drama; and people are prone to walk on eggshells around you. They'll do anything you ask, just to calm you down. Your husband can see through you! He knows you very well! When you're sick, and when you're pulling a number over on him. He calls you out on it!
I guess your husband has called your bluff too many times; thus, you've characterized him to be insensitive and confrontational. Not always! He's guarding his own sanity, my dear! He has a right to! I have to give him some credit for sticking in there; in-spite of all the false-accusations, and "gut-feelings" he's being tried and convicted for! Not even with sufficient enough facts to consider it "circumstantial-evidence."
You're completely out of control! Not that I don't have a heart for your pain. I would be totally uncompassionate to cruelly judge you, and write you off as a hot-mess. You wrote, because you yourself know that you've lost your center; and you can't seem to regain your balance. You feel you've been caught in a whirlwind!
Heed my advice. Seek your spiritual-healing; and join it with a new doctor, and course of therapy. Be a little apologetic and understanding to your husband. He doesn't have to deal with any of this. If he was a cruel-man, or the cheat you're accusing him of being. Does it seem logical he would put-up with this, when all he has to do is get a divorce, and rid himself of all of it? Why deal with it, when he sees no end to it? By all indications, and by your own admission; you're getting progressively worse.
God be with you, and guide you to your peace. I pray your husband maintains his patience and understanding; and that he helps you to seek the help you need. If he is cheating; then let all be brought to light. Even more so, may you find your way out of the dark.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2019): There is NOTHING that you have described that makes me think 'oh he must be cheating' you feel it in your bones but gut feeling is not always correct, this is plain paranoid behaviour on your part.
You need counselling on your own, sorry but you must be driving him potty, I think this 'gaslighting' you accuse him of is more he cant deal with what sounds to be a constant drama because of how you think.
I'm sorry what I write is not an intention to hurt you because I think you are suffering but you will lose him if this carries on. You need counselling because I think you will struggle to change on.yoir own.
No one can if he is or not but as I said there is not one thing you have wrote that makes me personally think he must be, but nothing anyone posts to you on here will give you long term peace of mind, it is simply temporary reassurance.
I wish you all the best and I hope you can get over this mindset because thinking something is simply not guaranteed reality x
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 October 2019):
 Honestly, OP
This is ALL on you.
If everything you are dealing with is DUE to him and his behavior, you really only HAVE one option, letting him go. Because HE isn't going to change. And HE will NEVER EVER be able to convince you that he isn't cheating or doing wrong behind your back. NOTHING he can say or do will change your mind, as YOUR mind is ALREADY made up.
NOT saying he isn't cheating. I don't know.
But I do know this, YOU are making this worse if you constantly check up on him and accuse him. Not just for yourself but for him. YOUR behavior is what would PUSH him to say F it!
Do you need proof? Why?
If you feel this IN YOUR BONES and making yourself "crazy" with worries, anxiety then why SIMPLY not say, I VALUE my mental health over having 100% prof?
As for the battery thing. You are wrong. Depending on phone type/brand,age of the phone, apps on the phone, connection etc. a battery can drop at different rates. UNLESS a phone is switched OFF the phone is constantly "talking" to the various apps that are on it, the various cell towers as well, some brands do smaller updates continuously.
If you think he has a f-buddy in Phoenix, why not go with him? See his family? Get out of the house?
And lastly, to play the devil's advocate.. WHAT if your husband ISN'T cheating? HOW do you think YOU make him feel?
This is so toxic, I don't even know what to say, other than I feel REALLY sorry for the both of you. I don't think couple's counseling would fix this, maybe it is an option other than to divorce.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2019): I'm going to be completely honest, based on what you have said.
Have you thought about the possibility that your anxiety is making you over think and scrutinise every single thing that your husband does? Are you on medication for your anxiety?
I don't like that your husband acts aggressively towards you, and exhibits abusive behaviour, that's absolutely unacceptable, but perhaps he's trying to defend himself if you are constantly accusing him of cheating and he's not.
You say his actions are the reason why you are so anxious and convinced he's cheating, but what actions? The phone thing can be easily explained. A quick scroll through facebook or reading a text message can lower your battery. Any usage of your phone will lower the battery. And by him using his phone, that doesn't mean he's cheating. I think you are reading way too much into all of this.
When you talk about the bitmoji, and that he COULD send it to another woman. Yes, he could, but anyone can do anything, doesn't mean they will!
I am sorry you are having such a difficult time, but your anxiety is no one's fault. Mental illness is no one's fault and you shouldn't feel guilty. I do feel like you need to get help for it, it sounds very overwhelming for you. My therapist taught me to calm my mind when it goes into overdrive by reviewing the facts of the situation. Have you found any evidence? No. Has he told you he is cheating? No. And so on, in that manner. It helped me, I hope it helps you!
What i'm trying to get at, is anxiety can convince you that the worst possible scenario is true, and then you convince yourself that your gut feeling is correct, but your gut feeling (in situations like this) can often be anxiety.
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