A
female
age
30-35,
*idod
writes:My boyfriend of 9 months last night told me he doesn't love me anymore. I basically dragged it out of him. We have had loads of fights. Maybe everyday. But we are trying to work on this relationship. Both of his parents have cancer. (May contribute to stress). I still love him. Iv hit him a few times. He just seems so absorbed in his own world and I think is quite selfish. He's 26 and we live together with other housemates, because he fell out with his brother who he used to live with. When we first got together he was very emotional and used to cry regularly. Now he shows no emotion at all. And in his own words is broken. I'm really lost with what to do. Am I doing the wrong thing by trying to work this out? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (9 November 2013):
 One more thing, and I have to say it - if my Mom had cancer, remission or otherwise, I'd be the biggest Mama's kid in the entire world, and it would mean everything to me if my son loved me like that if I had cancer!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 November 2013):
 Nothing that may have happened in your past gives you a free pass to slap your bf . Nothing.
What happened might be an explanation, but not a justification, or, least of all, a permission to hit.
You can't hit people. You can't it children of last stage cancer patients, you can't hit children of patients in remission, you can't hit children of perfectly healthy people . Is that so hard to wrap your head around ?
You want advice on your relationship, but you don't need ot, because you don't have a relationship now- and neither you should try and have one, with this guy or with another one . First you need to sort yourself out for real, so that you are not physical dangerous to your potential partners.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 November 2013):
What does it matter if a parent is in remission??! From the moment the diagnosis is handed down, life is not the same and will never be the same unless the doctor says that the cancer is "cured", which is extremely rare. Remission means "reprieve". And, the other parent is NOT in remission. My heart was torn apart every time my father was in chemo. I took care of him for a long time.
The moment you hit him is the moment you are utterly and completely DISQUALIFIED from getting defensive about people "judging" you, and it's the moment you are disqualified from saying "It's not my fault". That ranks with a guy saying "She made me hit her" or "If she wouldn't have been so **insert whatever excuse**, I wouldn't have had to break her jaw". You don't have a leg to stand on here.
Be relieved that at this moment, being judged is all that has happened to you. If you don't face that you are in grave error without raising your hackles and getting huffy, you'll be in front of an actual judge for child abuse or domestic violence, getting locked up by people who don't care about your temper issues because it's your actions you need to be accountable for, and that is all that matters.
You need to take responsibility. Your boyfriend isn't obligated to act alright because one of his parents is in remission, and it's really callous of you to think that. You might as well say "Hey Sweetie, you need to show me a corpse, or I'm going to break your teeth". Instead, you can just be there and show a love to him that isn't self-serving.
At 9 months, cancer in parents is a heavy issue, and if it breaks your relationship, then it is most likely for the best. You slapping him around isn't an emotional bonding exercise, and any thoughts of it being justified show that you have some mental issues that are a danger to yourself and others.
If you continue to be defensive and don't get professional help now, it will only get worse for you. You will slap the wrong person.
I knew a girl in high school with temper issues who used to slap guys who pissed her off. Her boyfriend eventually broke up with her, and a friend of his said the wrong thing to her, and she hauled off on him and slapped him while wearing her class ring, bloodying his lip.
Bad idea, because he didn't get the "don't hit girls" memo. He hit her so hard twice that she needed 9 stitches over her eye and suffered a broken nose, eye socket, and a concussion. No, he wasn't in the right, but if she had gotten help for her issues, it never would have happened.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2013): You are doing the wrong thing by resorting to violence. He doesn't love you, so what emotion are you looking for?
You came to this site to seek opinion. With opinion comes judgement. He is grieving the fact his parents are suffering from a deadly disease. He had a falling out with his brother, only to add to his troubles. Then you're fighting, when you should be supportive and affectionate.
You call him a mummy's boy? She stands to lose her to a killer disease. You haven't the slightest sensitivity about it. You're being emotionally and physically abusive.
I think you should walk in his shoes. You may be the straw that broke the camel's back.
Well, you asked for the truth, and you got it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 November 2013):
 I think the consensus is that you stop hitting him and you go into counseling so that you can overcome whatever is leading you to physically assault another person. No matter how frustrated you are, hitting is not the solution.
Seek counseling for your anger issues and your past issues.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2013): He said he doesn't love you anymore, leave him. It's all you can do. He's made his decision.
...............................
A
female
reader, Kidod +, writes (8 November 2013):
Kidod is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOne of his parents is in remission. I asked for advice on my relationship. Not to be judged. Go a day in my shoes before you judge me. You don't know what's happened in my past.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 November 2013):
Two months ago, my father died of leukemia. It was the worst, most awful thing I've ever had to go through, and believe me, I've gone through a lot. It's a normal defense mechanism to go into an emotional shock or catatonic state due to emotional overload.
You should be in prison for assault. What, you think because it was an "open handed slap" instead of a "box" it's any less abuse? NO ONE should put their hands on another person. It's just as bad when a woman does it as when a man does it. How would you like him slapping the hell out of you when you're going through the worst emotional pain of your entire life?
How do you want to "work this out"? By breaking his ribs? By killing him? By kicking him in the nuts? Sorry, but his worst enemy would be better for him right now than you.
There is only ONE way to proceed here if you actually want to help him, and that's YOU checking yourself into regular, intensive therapy. You need serious professional help, or you will end up in jail. You think women can't be in the same kind of trouble for domestic violence as guys? Think again! Don't pass it off. Don't excuse it. Be horrified that that is within you to do it. There is no justification to hit someone you love unless he's raping you and it's in self-defense. Otherwise, don't touch him. Don't lay a single finger on him.
Seriously, put yourself in his shoes. He's going to lose both of his parents. The grief is so intense that he's gone into shock. This is the equivalent of passing out from a physical injury. You, his girlfriend should have been the rock of comfort he relies on, even if it's just to be at a distance and let him sort it out. Instead, you beat him, berate him, fight with him, and emotionally bludgeon him for being "selfish", when in fact it's you who is selfish.
I don't know about you, but if my husband had treated me the way you treat your boyfriend, I'd have already filed for divorce and I would hate him more than anyone else I know. The very thought of him would make me want to throw up in my mouth.
So you need serious help. You couldn't destroy your relationship more thoroughly and more tragically and more violently than if you truly hated him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 November 2013):
 He is numb, my guess it's due to parents and the cancer.
I'm not saying it's ALL your fault, the hitting is though. You don't kick someone who is already down. If he doesn't give you anything back, you walk away.
I think he brings out the worst in you, and that isn't good - not for him nor for you.
But if you had read your original submittal would you be OK with someone saying I've hit him a few times... or I've hit HER a few times. Hitting doesn't solve anything.
He needs help, more then you can give him.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 November 2013):
You hit him. That is your fault. You have no excuse. Period. Walk away from this relationship.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 November 2013):
You need to walk away from this relationship, and seek help for the anger that you have the causes you to hit someone who's parents both have cancer. You two can't be together, and the best thing would be for you to both to move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 November 2013):
Both his parents have cancer and you wonder why he's absorbed in his own world? Really? He's stressed beyond belief and you add to that by actually physically hitting him. And you fight everyday.
Stop trying to work this out, you obviously have no idea how to conduct yourself and deal with things in a caring and compassionate manner. Take a break for now, and I'd suggest you reflect on what you need to do to fix yourself. Hitting people is no way to deal with a problem. Seek counseling, seriously, find a therapist to deal with your anger issues.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2013): He's told you clearly he doesn't love you anymore. He is not confused. Leave him alone for his own sake.
...............................
A
female
reader, Kidod +, writes (8 November 2013):
Kidod is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou also make it seem like it's all my fault. "He has you fighting with him and bullying him". I do not bully him. We have arguments with each other it's a mutual argument over a legitimate thing.
...............................
A
female
reader, Kidod +, writes (8 November 2013):
Kidod is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's how we are when we are not fighting that makes it better. My thought train is exactly the same as yours. He's quite a mummy's boy. Still takes all his washing home although he's lived out of home for 2 years. Still goes up there for dinner.I have anger issues I'm aware of that. I'm not used to people standing up to me. By that's not why I hit him. Once I hit him because we went out together. I had a dislocated shoulder so I didn't want to go out that much bit was persuaded to go because he was doing a charity leg wax. After this he went and got unreal drunk and left me by myself for an hour. I was left to be protected by his Friends brother. A person I have never met before. He felt obligated to do that. I hit him when he eventually returned to me a hour later. When he stated he did nothing wrong. It want a box it was an open handed slap
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 November 2013):
Why are you doing this to yourself? If you two fight EVERY day, there are clear signs that you two are NOT compatible at all.
And you HIT HIM? How is that going to help your relationship? How is that ever OK?
I'd say yes, his parents BOTH having cancer are a HUGE factor, he doesn't know how to deal with it at all, and then he has you fight with him and bully him?
I think you need to step away and reevaluate what it is about this relationship that makes YOU hit another person. And what it is about this relationship that is worth salvage, if any.
YOU can not fix a relationship by yourself, if he is not participating how can you?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2013): You have resorted to violence on a guy you claim to love? This is a very unhealthy relationship and the poor guy needs to be cut lose. So did you beat it out of him, how he really feels?
He probably stopped showing emotions as he fears you.
It is best to part ways.
...............................
|
