A
male
age
30-35,
*erberus_Raphael
writes:Hi all,I'll try to keep it as short as I can but, this might get quite lengthy. So, sorry about that.Let me preface this by telling you that my first serious relationship ended about a year and a half ago (it was my fault), though we still contacted each other occasionally. Turns out we both still felt strongly about one another but, by then I was in a different country. That odd period lasted until this August when I admitted to her that I didn't love her that way anymore.About two months ago, I met a lovely woman who works at a clothes shop in the tiny town I live in, we'll call her Emily. she gave me her number and we went out for drinks a few nights later. I couldn't really read her, and I still can't. Throughout that night, there were times when I thought that she was being flirty in her own humble way, and other times when I thought that she might just be looking for friendship, which is understandable since she's only been in this town for six months, having just moved here after finishing university in the UK).At the end of that first night, Emily tried to hug me and while I did hug her, I told her that I'm not used to hugs, which is true, but I think she got the impression that I'm uncomfortable with physical contact in general (that's partly true. I usually just need a clearer sign from the other person that it's okay to touch them with more than just a hug) which made the following nights that much more difficult for me.I asked her to dinner the week after and we had a great time, she invited me over to her place though I had to rush out since I had to catch the last bus home (I live a little bit outside of town and I'm saving up for a car).The next time we met up, she invited me for dinner at her place and we cooked a small meal together. I noticed she acted a bit different and it felt as though she was trying to get closer to me. That's when I thought that maybe she was looking for a little more than friendship.We met up for coffee about two weeks after and spent a while just walking and talking around town, exploring the little areas. It was fun and I tried my best to position myself just a little closer to her, at least to let her know that I was getting more comfortable around her and that I was in fact, interested in her.She left on a week long visit to the UK after that and I didn't see her for about two weeks. Though she messaged me the morning she got back, telling me about her journey back.We had coffee a while after, just a few days before Halloween. Somewhere in the conversation, she told me about how her trip to the UK went. She told me that it started off badly but because there was a bit of a backstory. She had to visit her ex-boyfriend to collect her things, though when she was telling me this, she said that she was afraid at first because she expected there'd be a lot of emotions but that after going there, she found that she just felt happy after she left.I ended up going with her later that evening to visit her twin sister and brother-in-law (they live in the same town) for dinner. While her sister prepared everything and her brother-in-law was getting some work done, Emily and I were playing with her six month-old nephew and it felt like we were bonding a bit more. Later that night we were trying to make fake blood for a costume party she was going to go to over the weekend so we found ourselves in the kitchen trying to mix syrup and a few others things in a pot which I dipped my thumb in and playfully brushed over her cheek. We were really close for a while and she seemed okay with it. So I took that as a sign that maybe it would be okay for me to be a little more 'touchy' (i.e. resting me hand on the small of her back).I walked her home after we left (nearly midnight) and went to find myself a cab. The next morning she asked me if I made it home alright (which she doesn't usually do when I miss my bus) and said that if she didn't have to work the following day, she would have invited me up.Well, the next time we went out together, I invited her to dinner, trying to make it clear that I was interested in her and wanted to move on from this weird flirty friends thing we had.We had dinner but things felt a bit different. Off somehow. We still had fun, I just felt that maybe she was losing interest, which was sort of expected at this point. Despite that, she invited me over to her place and offered me some wine. We just talked and drank until midnight. I held back a lot less when I moved to touch her. I had my hand around her, brushed her hair back and while she smiled and didn't seem to back away (in fact, she sat right up next to me at one point when we were watching a video on my phone) she seemed unsure somehow. So at the end of the night, when she asked for a hug, I hugged her and asked "do I get more than a hug this time?", but we were both a bit more than tipsy, so she said I could get a second hug, then mid-second-hug asked me, "did you just ask more than a hug?" to which I said yes, and just flat out told her that I really like her. She said that she knows, and we just sort of laughed awkwardly for a second then she said that I seemed afraid, so I stepped closer to her and said "then show me different". At this point, she got quite giggly and she stopped making eye contact. Then she told me that it was just a bit awkward.We laughed about it and said goodnight, then the next morning (Friday, her day off), there was nothing. The day after, we texted a little. Sunday, I asked if she was free to talk, but I got no reply until Monday. When she apologised and told me she'd just gotten my message. I asked if it was okay for me to call.Before I get to the heart of this issue, you need to know that between the nights we spent together, we didn't text much. There may be a few texts where we just tell each other how our day or our weekend is going but, or she'll tell me about documentaries she's watching (which always seem to be about dating...I'm not sure if that's a hint or if it's just a coincidence) other than that, not much at all. We talked about that during that last night as well, agreeing that we're both terrible at texting.You should also know that, there were a few times during our nights together that she would mention her ex boyfriend (with which I found, when we scrolled through each other's Facebook photos, she had quite a serious long-term relationship with)Okay, so when I called her, I told her that I wanted to talk about the other night and I apologised for anything I might have done that was at all inappropriate. She told me that I hadn't done anything but that she found it awkward because she was still getting used to being single and she wasn't exactly in the right mindset. She said she was okay with friends but couldn't really do more than that right now. Here's my issue...I really like this woman, and I feel like if we could just get past this strange barrier somehow, we'd be really great together.That being said, I know the situation she's in, having finally just got out of that myself earlier this year. I want to tell her that, the next time we meet up. I want to let her know that I really like her and that I genuinely enjoy spending time with her, that I wish we could just keep doing that but I feel a bit too strongly now and since she's in a really complicated place, it might get ugly. She can still call/text me, I don't want to just cut off all contact, but that when she feels she's ready, that she can call me and I'll be right there.Anyway, I'd like your advice, or just your insight. Am I going insane?Thanks in advance. I really appreciate it.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 November 2016):
 If you just want to go for it and kiss her then do that, but be prepared in case she rejects you. She is not over her ex if she is still talking about him so much, and if she did not say she liked you back then it shows she may not be as interested in you. Am sorry but I think she sees you as a friend. Maybe if you came in to her life at a different time then things would be different.
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (12 November 2016):
 Personally I don't think she's ready for her next relationship.
What makes me think this is mainly where you said you liked her and she just acknowledged it but didn't say anything back. I think when people are talking before they get together I'd say roughly around 6 months or so, if it goes on any longer than that I don't think it's really looking promising, but of course there are special cases.
Also, she's still used to getting single, that to me says she's finding her feet and about to start enjoying the freedom that you don't have in a relationship and also saying she's not in the right mindset shows that she doesn't know what she wants either.
She must like you to an extent or she wouldn't of spent so much time with you. But it's how much she likes you that's the question. You can play this 2 ways, you either just be honest and tell her you see her as a potential GF, this could scare her off, but at least you know where you stand, or just do what was suggested earlier and just tell her you need to remove yourself from the situation until your feelings have died down.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (12 November 2016):
Cerberus_Raphael is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks everyone!
That's quite a wide variety of views.
Before I wrote this, my thoughts were actually quite in line with Aunt Honesty, so I was surprised when ChiGirl and N91 wrote that I should/should've kissed her. I know I should've, I just have a tendency to overthink things.
We might meet up again this week. Should I just go for it anyway?
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (12 November 2016):
I agree with chi girl, I was waiting for the point in the question where you said you kissed her but it never came. You don't ask for things like that, you do it when the moment feels right, but you never did.
IMO I think women see you as not being assertive enough when you can't take hints that they want you to make a move, she felt comfortable enough to invite you into her home multiple times but you never made a move and that's what gets you put into the friend zone.
I think you've probably missed the chance to go any further now, you told her that you like her a lot and she didn't say it back. That to me is saying that you but I'm not interested in you that way, I think you need to be upfront and say look, you know I like you and I would like to be more than friends, but if that's not on your mind right now then I can see myself ending up hurt so I don't think it would be a good idea to keep meeting.
I know you'll be upset and want to try to stay as friends, it will seem a good idea at first but you'll end up worse off if you don't cut contact.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (12 November 2016):
I agree with chi girl, I was waiting for the point in the question where you said you kissed her but it never came. You don't ask for things like that, you do it when the moment feels right, but you never did.
IMO I think women see you as not being assertive enough when you can't take hints that they want you to make a move, she felt comfortable enough to invite you into her home multiple times but you never made a move and that's what gets you put into the friend zone.
I think you've probably missed the chance to go any further now, you told her that you like her a lot and she didn't say it back. That to me is saying that you but I'm not interested in you that way, I think you need to be upfront and say look, you know I like you and I would like to be more than friends, but if that's not on your mind right now then I can see myself ending up hurt so I don't think it would be a good idea to keep meeting.
I know you'll be upset and want to try to stay as friends, it will seem a good idea at first but you'll end up worse off if you don't cut contact.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 November 2016):
 Oh god, this was way too lengthy. Yes, she IS loosing interest in you, because you NEVER MAKE A MOVE.
Kiss her. That's the end of my advice. Get your head screwed on straight: if you like her, you show her. That doesn't mean telling her you are weird about hugs. It means KISS HER.
She's been sending you signals left and right that she is interested. You need to start sending some signals back. A kiss is long overdue.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (11 November 2016):
No you are not going insane, it is hard when you fall for someone and they don't feel the same. She is being honest with you and telling you she is just not ready to be with anyone at the moment. It is a hard pill to swallow sure but at least she is being honest. My advice would be you be honest back. Tell her you feel strongly and that is why you need to stop meeting up so much because it is not fair on you. You will end up getting hurt. Simply tell her friendship is not enough. If you still want to talk to her then explain that to her. Maybe one day she will realize what she is missing out on. But it is clear she can't handle it at the moment. She is still talking a lot about her ex which is a bad sign.
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