A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm scared, lost and feel really down. This is basically one of those "how do I get my friend back" questions, however this is a little more complicated.My friend (male) wont speak to me. He cut me out his life with no explanation. We had a fall out, but nothing too major and we've had worse. Thing is he's my ex. We never went out officially but had feelings for a long time and they took along time to come out and we were seeing each other for about 4-5 months. He broke up with me, which yes it hurt me, but life goes on. He left me for another girl, but after a while as it is I got over it.He felt bad for hurting me but we carried on being friends and got on perfectly well. I moved on he moved on so I never saw an issue. Im not someone to hold hate on people, infact we;d been friends for 5 years so hes been a big part of my life and we're so alike so I wanted to keep the good friendship that we had, it was a shame to loose it when we got on well. When he got with this new girl, I never mentioned anything about her as I have no interest. I vagely know of her, shes about 4 years younger, shes slept around, and basically one of those thats nice but then again she can get whatever she wants by being nice. I said to him I hope she makes you happy but please be careful and don't change to please her. He was fine with that. It was said as a friend and we carried on.He did changem dramatically, and in afew ways not for the better. After this I barely heard from him and one day I was having a tough time at home and was just texting afew friends to help take my mind off things, I told him I wasn't too good but he didn't bother texting me back. Afew weeks later I asked if he'd like to meet up as it'd been a while since we went for a drink, he made excuse after excuse. I completely understand shes around as well but since they saw each other every day excessively (and still do) I thought one night for a trip to the pub would be ok. This caused an argument as I was sick of being treated badly, and in the rage I brought other stuff up and also called his gf a s***. Which everyone knows, she is! I was in the wrong, but the stuff I said was true. He said prior to this in the argument that he didn't want to come out anymore and he couldn't care less. Which I thought was abit extreme. Of course this upset me to know that the guy that loved his life and friends and ditched in all in the blink of an eye. We parted that day and afew days later his gf facebooked me having ago. I expected it, after what I said about her, but it was true. I tried not to argue back and she got agressive and said you two are not friends anymore. You could tell her age from how she was arguing, it was like being back at school. I let myself calm down and afew days later text a rather angry message asking why he couldn't tell me himself. This has never happened before. Hes always argued for himself and never let anyone else do the talking.I never got an answer but I did get blocked and cut out his life. Obviously I was furious and sent afew angry messaging stating how I'm not a friend just for when hes single and also afew bits which were very very true and many people have moaned about regarding him, but in the same respect, maybe some things I should of kept on a low or to myself unless it directly affected me. They are happy together, which im thankful for because she hasn't hurt him, as much as I can't stand her. But I thought this would phase out after afew months and when they stopped being so clingy that he would come round. I was wrong. Theyre still the same and he still wont speak. 2 weeks ago I sent one asking what I'd done to deserve the lies that got said and to get no explanation as I have always stood by him, backed him up, been there for him and he never had to change to fit in with me. Again no reply. So I just sent a bulk text on christmas day saying Merry Christmas. Which went to all my contacts including him, but no reply. I'm scared I'll never speak to him again, its really getting me down, we used to have so much fun, but I don't understand why he just won't reply to one text. Even if its to tell me to do one basically. Its a response which is more than I'm getting. If I leave it, I'll never hear from him again, if I don't I don't know whether it'll get better or worse. After 5 years of friendship I mean nothing to him, he was one of my best friends, and during the argument he did throw the me and him situation in my face saying that was the reason.It isn't. We both made a mistake back then, we've both moved on, and we've been fine since then (been about a year now since we ended), and then suddenly that. Everything she says is right, he has changed alot, like he never goes out with his mates anymore so I dont know if that could be related to my issue. But how do I get my friend back or at least get him to speak to me? We were both in the wrong but nothing can be settled unless theres some communication. Please help.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 December 2012):
 You raise an interesting point : what kind of a friend just ditches you etc. etc. ? .. Maybe, the kind of friend who was less invested emotionally in the friendship than you were. Have you ever considered that , if a new girl popping up on the scene was sufficient to create all this distance and coldness, maybe he was not that interested in the friendship to begin with- at least, not as much as you. In this case, he sort of made you a favour, because you want true friends in your life, I suppose.
Not, though, that , at least IMO, how you acted is so promptly , easily forgivable as you'd like . It seems to me that you are missing my point. Yes I got it, it's all true, she really IS the town bike. Yet... how shall I put it ? .. Let's see if this is a good example :
Suppose that your dad in his past stole cars. He got caught, he went to jail, served his time, now he is a good citizen, and also your beloved dad.
It is true and undeniable that he stole, there's a public record to show it.
Now suppose that you are arguing with some friend because you don't want to accompany her to the movies. She gets nasty and says "... and your dad is a low life and a thief ! " She may be factually accurate, but : 1 ) knowing how much you love your dad , it's very spiteful and insensitive of her criticizing him, it's a very unfriendly blow under the belt 2 ) it's neither here nor there- what has it got to do with anything ? How's that any of her business , who is she to badmouth the people you love, and how spitting venom on somebody you love would contribute to solve your argument ?
Plus,rememeber, you had been warned, don't say anything against this girl if you want us to get along . But you did.
In other words, you may seek for all the justifications you want, but...in his eyes you totally blew it . You may think he overreacted- but, he does NOT,- hence his silence.
That's why I said that just insisting on sending emails won't get you anywhere- until he knows/imagines you feel the same about the question.
IF you could convince him that you feel differently, maybe he'd change attitude . Then again, with this, I am surely NOT advising you to tell lies and feign a regret which you don't feel. If you still think you are right - so be it , you can't pretend you are sorry when you aren't at all. BUT, I understand that he would not want to talk to you again until you change drastically your tune .
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (28 December 2012):
I am afraid I have to agree with Aunty Bim Bim.
You seem not to realize that you may have crossed boundaries for him to the point of no return.
He was perfectly legitimate in not wanting to come out with you one on one. After all, you were a friend, but also an ex. People in relationships often choose not to see their exes , unless if it is a group outing , out of respect for their current partner. It's not a matter of having an insanely jealous new gf, or bf, who will go berserk if their SO sees the ex , it's a matter of reserving a certain type of closeness to just one person. This for some people sorts out anything too dateish, like a cozy one on one chitchat in front of a couple of drinks. Too restrictive ? Perhaps, but friendship is also about respecting your friend's feelings and opinions - and respecting their partners.
Which you clamorously failed to do when you called his gf a slut. He is a loyal bf and obviously got mad. It does not matter if " it's true ". Actually, what may be true is that the girl slept with numerous men- which is a fact. Calling her a slut is an insult, because puts a derogatory , judgemental stress on the fact. It is something said with the aggressive,malicious intent to defile , humiliate, disrespect. It's not exactly the same thing to say " your girlfriend is a woman who had many,many sexual partners " ( truth ) - and to say " your girlfriend is a slut "( opinion ) Even if in both phrases the number of men does not change :).
Apparently, later on you dug yourself into a deeper hole by saying nasty things to him too. And he may have thought, not unreasonably, that when things reach a certain point there's no sense in talking about friendship anymore. Add the fact that , yes, now that he has a girlfriend , he has less need and use for your ( or anybody's ) friendship, - so he might have concluded, again not unreasonably, that he'll keep those friends who are nice,pleasant and respectful to him and his gf, and
can do without all the others.
I think perhaps it is best if you accept that alas not all friendships are destined to last. Some people may have a big impact on our life for a while... and then leave , to be replaced by new people more in tune with what we have become.
OR , you could make one last effort, but you'd have to start from an all different angle. As you have seen your " get over it, I did wrong, you did wrong too " approach cuts no ice, because that's NOT how he sees it. I suppose that if you really apologize and eat some humble pie, and explain that that was your temper and frustration speaking but you are sorry blah blah, ... perhaps you could make headways. Only perhaps though, and frankly I would not advise you anyway to follow this course of action, because it semms that , regardless of the rift, now there are not the right conditions to carry on this friendship as you'd want it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2012): Hi, im the posted. I called her that because by the time she was 17 she'd slept with half the people in our town, she's one of these people who needs attention and he's had to change his ways to please her.I didn't call her a mean name because of that. She was in bed with his friend a week before getting with him.What he did wrong was pushing his friends aside for her 24/7 and he also got nasty with me prior to all this when everything was fine, all because someone made a comment about her to him (i dont know them) and told me I'd be gone if i opened my mouth when I'd not said a word. Yes it happens but what sort of a friend just ditches you and doesn't even care when your scared and need someone to talk to. I understand its made complicated because we had a thing but mistakes happen i can't change the past. I made stuff worse by calling her what I did but it is true, she's slept around so much.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (28 December 2012):
 I've read your question, you wanted your ex boyfriend to forgoe his girlfriend for one night and go to the pub with you, he said no (good man that) so you got snarky and, called his girlfriend a slut .... you have tried to excuse this by saying everybody knows its true.
Quite possibly, and I am grasping for reasons here, quite possibly the reason he isn't interested in sending you one widdle teensy text is because TAR DARRRR you called his girlfriend a slut, or maybe the reason he wont send you one widdle teensy text is because, before you called his girlfriend a slut, he told you he didn't want to go out with you .... and you felt this was so extreme you called his girlfriend .... a slut.
You say you were both in the wrong, whilst it is plain to see how wrong your words and actions were I fail to see what he did that was wrong ...
You need to accept this friendship/relationship has run it's course, so move along, move along there is nothing for you here.
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