A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am so unhappy with my long distance boyfriend of 3 years but every time I try to initiate a talk he starts shouting or tells me I'm a nag or puts the phone down on me. I can't even tell him I want to break up with him because if I manage to say the words before he puts the phone down he says I am unreasonable or I am just negative and I should focus on the positive. I don't want to be LDR with anyone any more, I told him when he moved (we were initially same place) for his work I'm not doing LDR but he wouldn't hear of it. Now I've done it for 2 years. Apart from the LDR the other problems are that he drinks a lot, to the point of drunkenness and I don't like that, but he is unwilling to change his behaviour even though I have told him it is a deal breaker. He is also always broke. How do I get him to listen to me if I can only see him every 3 months because of his work? He won't listen over the phone. Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2013): He has committed deal breakers, you want to break up so go ahead and break up. You not need his permission to leave him!! You tried to be polite and do it over the phone but he "wouldn't let " you so just send him a text or email saying "hey we're done. Bye." And let that be your last communication with him. If he calls after that just ignore him and don't reply, after all you are already broken up so you have no obligation to talk to him or explain anything. Simply start moving on without him.
I agree with a previous poster who says making empty threats is a sign of weakness so stop doing it. Be strong and just end it already not just talk about maybe someday perhaps doing it. Talk is cheap.
A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (15 November 2013):
 How do you get him to listen? You hang up the phone and then don't pick it back up.
When he tries to call back, you don't answer and ignore him until he gets the message. He's a bully. And behaving like a child. If he's incapable of having an adult conversation, stop trying to have one.
Hang up. Move on. Let your actions do the talking since he refuses to listen to your words.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (15 November 2013):
I now christen you a free woman. There, that was easy. Now stop answering this jerk's calls and find a local guy.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 November 2013):
 "I am so unhappy with my long distance boyfriend of 3 years but every time I try to initiate a talk he starts shouting or tells me I'm a nag or puts the phone down on me."
Then end it.
"I can't even tell him I want to break up with him because if I manage to say the words before he puts the phone down he says I am unreasonable or I am just negative and I should focus on the positive."
Doesn't matter what he says, you're entitled to end the relationship without his consent. You're now single. If he didn't care to hear you out so he could get informed of his new status as single, too bad for him. Not your problem.
So, now that you're single, and don't have to worry about him any longer, how about you go out and do something FUN this weekend? Don't call him again, go no contact. He is your ex after all, it's better to not communicate. Don't worry, he will get the message fast enough. Now you just go and enjoy your life! 3 years of being unhappy, 3 years of grieving and not being heard, and 3 years of being bullied, put down, shouted at.. It must be a relief to finally not have to think and worry about HIM!
I say enjoy yourself this weekend and pamper yourself. It's rough going through a break-up, especially one where the ex was so stubborn and self centered he didn't even care to hear you out when you tried to break up with him. Good riddance! Now, relax, enjoy yourself, and just don't talk to him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2013): I second Honeypie's advice. If you can't talk to him; then you resort to some other means of communication. I wouldn't do it on Facebook. Just have the decency to keep it private.You can change your status on FB, when you're good and ready.I also hope your post serves as an example to other people when they are considering LDR's; and whether it is exactly what they want. They should carefully weight the pros and cons.He shuts you down and he has issues that he has to work on.For his own sake! You don't have to put your life on hold and delay your pursuit of happiness for any man.Give him a heartfelt sendoff, go through your period of grief and recovery. Take care of yourself. Find love and happiness!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 November 2013):
 As much as I HATE people breaking up through a text, If I were you. THAT is what I would do.
Simple text. I'm done with this relationship, it's over. I will be blocking your number so don't call/ don't text. Have a nice life.
Then YOU block him from EVERYthing he is connected to, Facebook, phone (or change number), e-mail, the works.
YOU can not MAKE him talk to you. He view is if he can bully you into shutting up, you will stick around.... How sick is that? So show him you do NOT WANT to stick around. And then STICK to the no contact.
Like SVC said, you do not need HIS permission to break up and end it.
Start living YOUR life.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 November 2013):
YOU DO NOT NEED HIS PERMISSION to break up with him. HE is not the final arbiter on your relationship.
LDRs are hard and if you don't want to do one that's fine.
And since he's NOT near you... well what can he do?
IF you tell someone it's a deal breaker and yet you stay with him... you are saying one thing and doing the opposite.
Call him... say "it's not working, I do not wish to discuss it, it's over EVEN if you HANG UP ON ME. Goodbye and good luck" then HANG UP THE PHONE and get on with your life.....
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (15 November 2013):
 You could email him if he won't listen over the phone. He can't talk over the top of you then.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2013): You can't OP. You're the one who needs to listen though, you need to listen to yourself.
You say his drinking is a deal breaker and he refuses to stop. Then why are you still with him? Seriously, he's not going to change, you should know by now he's certainly not going to do it for you and yet you're still with him.
Doesn't sound like much of a deal breaker to me and frankly he has no incentive to stop because you made a liar of yourself. You told him it's a deal breaker, yet here you are still trying, still talking on the phone. There are no bad consequences for him so he has no reason to change. he can even insult you, cast down your opinion/feelings and then hang up on you and you still come back for more. With all due respect you're his bitch, he owns you and he knows it so he doesn't have to do anything you want, he knows you're not going anywhere.
I mean come on OP, look what you're asking us. Do you seriously think we have some kind of magic formula to help you get through to a guy you've been with 3 years and probably know better than anyone?
Well we don't, you can't make someone listen, you can only control your own behaviour and actions, and yours are those of a doormat.
Look at how he's treating you and ask yourself why you allow it. Because you love him? You think he can change? Because you can't speak for long enough to break up with him? Bullshit OP, you could just send him a text saying it's over. Phone calls are not the only way to break up with someone and a guy who is showing so much disrespect doesn't leave you with any other option.
OP if I were in your shoes I'd cut the chord, I'd write out an email of all the things I want to say but that he won't let me talk for long enough to hear and that would be it. Over and done with.
Seriously read back over your post, pretend it's another person asking you what they should do. The answer is pretty simple when you step outside of the emotion of the issue isn't it?
Do what your head says you need to and ignore your heart. You can't fix anything in a relationship without communication, you don't have that. You can't change a person, only they can and he doesn't want to. He's made his choice, what are you going to do about it? Because right now he's sitting pretty, he's the one in control and you're just his unwilling servant.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2013): I've had people refuse to be dumped too. I wanted to be friends and still have some contact with them and I wanted them to HEAR that I dumped them so they wouldn't tell others that they dumped ME. You know what? It doesn't matter. He's an asshole, he's not your friend, and anyone who is friends with him isn't your friend either. Simply say, "It's over, don't call back." Block his number if possible. If he comes down to see you, don't answer the door and tell him to go away or you'll call the police. Then, call the police.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 November 2013):
 Firstly, don't call him.
Secondly, when/if he phones you ask him if he is willing to talk to you, and when he starts shouting, or talking over you, simply hang up.
IF/when it gets to a stage he does listen, tell him his drunkedness and bullying is not acceptable. Tell him he needs to pull his head in or the relationship is over.
If he refuses to listen, don't answer his calls, change your number if necessary. If your concern is that you feel he needs to hear you are breaking it off with him let your actions speak for you, as he is refusing to hear your words.
Stick to your resolve, take charge of your life and don't look back.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2013): ". . . he is unwilling to change his behaviour even though I have told him it is a deal breaker."He doesn't have to change his behavior because he knows it's NOT a deal breaker, he knows he can do whatever he wants and you'll acquiesce. Otherwise you would have already dumped him. "How do I get him to listen to me if I can only see him every 3 months because of his work?"You can't, and you couldn't get him to listen to you even if you saw him every day because you can't reason with an unreasonable person.You can either continue to let him use you as a doormat while you wait for him to magically change into the guy you want him to be, or for once you can muster up the some backbone and dump him, and walk away with self-respect, pride and dignity intact.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2013): Dump his sorry ass!You start off with how "unhappy" you are with him, and after 3 years, who needs to live like that?He won't listen to you, he disrespects you, is immature and rude and you can't talk to him. That is no way to conduct a relationship which needs communication to be successful.Of course you sound negative to him - he is not supportive, and does not encourage happiness in you.If heavy drinking is a deal breaker for you, you should break up with him, not threaten and do nothing, otherwise it's a sign of weakness and he keeps doing it.He is working yet broke. He can't provide, he won't listen, he won't communicate and he puts the phone down on you?Easy - next time he calls, before you say "hello" or anything else, you say "I'm sorry, this relationship is over" and YOU end the call.Why do you even bother? This is ridiculous to me! Nobody needs to be that desperate to stay in this kind of a relationship. Everyone, deserves better!
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