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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been with my boyfriend for over a year. He is the sweetest guy and puts me first in his life in so many ways. I know he is the one for me. The only problem is We are 29 years old. Most of my friends have moved on in significant ways--married, engaged, having kids or if they are in a relationship and have careers it is still a busy life. I don't expect to see Friends even once a month..how can that even be expected with us getting older and more responsibility? My boyfriends friends are basically all single, still into going out to the bars, drinking, hooking up etc. In the beginning they would call my boyfriend constantly. One even expected for him to come over every single Saturday because it is what they always did. If we are both working full time jobs, have only 2 days off to really enjoy each other's company how can that even be expected? That dropped away naturally but there are still numerous texts and calls. I am tired by the end of the week and my priority would be to spend time with my boyfriend relaxing, watching a movie, dinner--not going to a bar where I wake up with a hangover the next day and then back to work for a week. My boyfriend feels guilty if it is a few weeks without seeing them. I feel we do make time but every weekend or every other weekend seems emotionally stunted in childhood in my opinion. Now my boyfriend's friend called the other day inviting him on a trip and just wanted to throw it out there. He also said I know you have your girlfriend now but stop hibernating. He basically just I hear you etc. But personally it insults me a bit because at almost 30 maybe it is not about hibernating but the fact of growing up and being in an adult relationship not involving drinking with your buddies til 3am. I said to my boyfriend so he thinks you are hibernating now? And he said well on days we don't see each other a lot of times I don't go out to see him and I probably should etc. Am I being over bearing about all of this and should I be more laid back no matter how immature his friends are? It changed my mood when these things come up. Would anyone else feel the same as I do at almost 30 years old?
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (16 November 2013):
 i don't think you're wrong for how you feel. i'm also 29 and i know what you're going through. most of my friends are married and settling in their careers, etc. however, i also don't think he's necessarily in the wrong, either. for the most part, it seems like he lives like a grown up, spending the majority of his free time with you. however, if he wants to have a night out with his friends every couple weeks or so, he's entitled to this, as well.
i think you both need to meet in the middle. it will make for a happier relationship i think if you give a little and he gives a little. that way, you both feel like you're getting your needs met without the other completely losing out.
having friendships is important. he needs to keep up with his friends. and there's nothing wrong with going and having a night out with the guys and having a few beers. it's a necessity sometimes. it's a great way to relax and unwind after a long week. i do this with my friends when we catch up.
anyway, be supportive. let him have some time with his friends. in the mean time, take that as time to reconnect with some of your friends, as well. but also make sure you still have your time together, as well. compromise! that's what relationships are all about!
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 November 2013):
 "I am tired by the end of the week and my priority would be to spend time with my boyfriend relaxing, watching a movie, dinner--not going to a bar where I wake up with a hangover the next day and then back to work for a week."
But you're not required to go with them, are you?
Just because your friends are too "busy" to prioritize friendship, doesn't mean your relationship is a failure if you, or your boyfriend, prioritize friendship. That's not to say friendship comes before relationship, it just means friendship is ALSO important. Just because your friends were, pardon me, stupid and let their friendships drift away and die, doesn't mean we should all be that stupid.
And yes, it is stupid to not maintain your friendships. Seeing them less than once a month? Do you not even talk to them? It's one thing to not see everyone each month, but do you seriously go one month before you see ANY of your friends?
Last time I checked, working full time meant you had the afternoon off. And then two full days off. I work full time. My friends work full time. The only time I barely didn't have time for friends what when I worked close to full time in addition to writing my masters thesis, which is also a full time job. So don't go telling me full time work requires sooooo much of your time, I know what it means. It means you have the afternoon and evening OFF to do whatever you please.
Don't ruin your boyfriends social life just because you don't feel like you should have one/don't want one.
"because at almost 30 maybe it is not about hibernating but the fact of growing up and being in an adult relationship not involving drinking with your buddies til 3am"
You're so stuck up on what you think society dictates that you do. There is NO rule or law that says at almost 30 you shouldn't be out until 3 am getting wasted. Why not? If he wants to, and it's his type of fun, I seriously do not see why he shouldn't do it. What, he shouldn't because you don't think it would be proper behaviour of a 30 year old? Or who exactly gets to decide what is proper and what isn't?
I'm turning 28 in two weeks and this weekend I am going out with my friends for a ladies night on town. We might not last until 3am, but that's solely because we lack the stamina, not the will.
Let your boyfriend have his fun, you're only young once, and you don't have kids. You can play "stuck at home" when you actually ARE stuck at home with kids. Chaining yourself to the couch before you have to is ridiculous to me. I don't care if all your friends find it the proper thing to do once you're 30. If they want boring lives with no friends and be cooped up at home having no social life... sure. Let them have it. But don't push that kind of life on your boyfriend.
Friendship is important! Try to prioritize a bit differently, a relationship should NEVER be all and everything. But it sounds like it is, to you. Maybe you just need some new friends to hang out with as well, so you wont feel lonely and left out when your boyfriend goes out with his friends.
PS. Having fun and a good time is never childish. Me and my boyfriend just went to the toy store the other day buying gifts for his nephew and niece, and we both got so caught up in the cool toys kids have these days that we will gift each other toys for Christmas. It's not your idea of "adult", but we got the rest of our lives to be adult and boring and proper. Right now we want to live and do what actually makes us happy, rather than be boring, adult and "proper".
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (15 November 2013):
The worst mistake people make when they get into a relationship is abandon their friends. People are social creatures (Facebook doesn't count) and generally need the company of more than one person to be happy.
My dad has told me that one of his biggest regrets is not maintaining friendships over the years.
You seem to be in a hurry to "grow up", as if you need to prove something to someone. Hanging out with your friends is human nature, not childish behavior.
So yes, you need to take it easy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2013): There's no right or wrong answer. Its about compatibility.
Find a happy medium or find a partner who expects the same as you from a relationship
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2013): OP without knowing which country you're from I can't comment on your culture, maybe where you're from marriage means a death sentence for friendships but where I'm from that's not the case.
Where I'm from you sound like a prison guard and you're very patronizing about it too.
OP I'm married, my wife spends pretty much every Saturday night out, sometimes with me, but mostly dancing with her girls. Yet you somehow think she's childish and immature because of that. She works 50 sometimes 60 hours a week and earns a very good wage and she likes to spend time with her friends to unwind. I'm sorry OP but you're the strange one here.
You don't expect to see your friends even once a month? How very lonely you must be OP, I see my friends once or twice a week. For me phone calls and texts are no substitute to doing fun things. They call over to my place or we go out do something fun like go-karting, bowling etc. I'm mid-30's my age has nothing to do with how I should act towards to my friends. In fact it is important that I maintain my friendships, not only for my own sanity but to keep my relationship alive and ticking. My marriage is not a prison OP, in fact it's the most liberating thing I've ever done. It sounds to me like you're a tad bitter that your friends are too busy for you and that his friends still want to make time for him, so you want to force him to spend that time with you because you have no one else, and you try to force him by demeaning his friends, insulting them and calling them children.
Most of my friends are still single, most of them like to go out on a Saturday night too. They work full time, they have plenty of responsibilities that they take care of and yet to you they're pathetic little children.
You sound so very intolerant OP. We all don't have to live according to your rules and if you want to get bitter about that, then that's your problem not ours but you certainly won't last very long with this guy if you continue to try and control him like this OP. If he was doing this to you I'd tell you to run a mile because the first sign of an abusive partner is that they try to cut you off from your support network.
You need to seriously take a look at your attitude and ask yourself if this prison you're building for him really is the best thing for him. You're seriously here telling us you want to stop him seeing his friends, that's insane OP. Don't try to say that's not what you're doing, that's exactly what you're doing and you're being manipulative about it too. Once every two months is what you expect? So he'll only get to spend time with the people he loves 6 times a year?
Yes OP, you really do need to lighten up. Being with you is supposed to be a beautiful choice but where's the choice when you demand that he stop seeing his friends, where's the fun in being with a person who thinks life should end at a certain age and you're no longer allowed to have fun with your friends anymore?
OP I think you're the one who needs to spend more time with your friends, you need a life outside this relationship too you know. Because guess what, if you don't spend time maintaining your friendships then they'll just fade away and you'll be left with only him and then what happens if you and he break up?
Would other people feel the way you do, I'm sure there are some that would, but other people don't matter here, not me, not anyone. Only what will make him happy. Does it really make him happy to not be allowed to see his friends? Has he not earned enough respect from you to be allowed to have a life outside of the relationship too?
OP you've sacrificed a lot by losing your regular friendships, they may not have much time for you anymore but surely you too need girl time, time to unwind with your friends. Is there nothing you miss about that at all? If so then why are you condemning him to the same fate?
I'll never understand how some people think life should end at 30, or that a relationship means you give up everything else. Me and my wife understand after nearly 8 years together that having a life outside of our relationship is the most important thing in keeping our relationship great. My responsibilities? I'm full time teacher, I'm a dog breeder, I have a disabled mother, my mother in law has cancer, we've moved her into our house to take care of her and fingers crossed we may be expecting our first child too. I take care of all of those things and every day I wake up next to the most precious person in the world to me and yet I still have time to hang out with my friends. My wife still has time to go out and get drunk and come home at 6 am if she wishes. Are we immature children because we like go out and let loose? I'm sorry OP, but having a release from all this is the most adult and grown up thing about us because we're ensuring we have an escape from the stress of having so much on our plates and it's not up to anyone to tell us how we should best let loose.
There is nothing wrong with not wanting be out in bars and stuff, that's your choice. But you're forcing that on him too by calling it childish and stuff. How else is he supposed to enjoy his friendships if you won't allow him to do the things they do within reason.
To us it's fun. It means we have new stories to tell each other, it means we have freedom, it means we can have time to miss each other, it means our relationship is kept fresh and alive because our routine is broken up by random events.
Apparently your idea of fun is having no friends or only seeing them every two months. You think that at 30 everything has to stop and you have to spend every weekend doing nothing but watching movies together.
Maybe you and he are just not suited OP or maybe you truly just want him to devote his life to you and no one else.
Anyway, forget what I think. Is cutting him off from his friends and not allowing him to let loose every fortnight or so really going to make him happy and really going to keep your relationship strong? Because that's all that matters OP.
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