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How do I fix this verbally abusive relationship?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Faded love, Family, Health, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (25 August 2017) 4 Answers - (Newest, 29 August 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hi,

I'm really am confused by my relationship. I am 27 and my boyfriends 29. I've been with my boyfriend for over 4 years. It's not been an easy four years tbh. When we met I just finished university. He was living with his parents, getting government benefits because he didn't want to work and was a complete stoner. He lied to me at the start of the relationship when he said he had a job but didn't actually have one.

We moved in with eachoher pretty quickly and he did get a job. He quit smoking too for me which I really appreciated. However as time went on I realised he has a anger problems. If we had different opinions about something he gets verbally aggressive. He calls me a cunt etc. He says that I'm stubborn and the most difficult person to deal with. It really upsets me because I try so hard to show him that I'm understanding of all perspectives. I find myself apologizing every time we argue because I can't cope with the stress.

Over the years ive managed to put on weight and now have developed a few health conditions. I'm trying my best to look after myself but the stress sometimes makes me forget to take my medication on time etc. He uses my health as weapon. This years he's quit 4 jobs and is currently unemployed. He says one of the main reason is because he's got work anxiety and that my health is affecting him. I'm trying to make all the changes to my lifestyle that I can. But it never feels good enough.

He doesn't want me to tell my parents that he's out of work yet he doesn't respect the fact that I don't want him telling his mum everything about our relationship. He lies to his mum about getting help for his anxiety. He tells her how much my health is stressing him in hopes that she feels sorry for him.

In every argument he tells me to shut up or he'll leave. I'll go quiet but then he'll continue shouting calling me all sorts of names. He constantly says threatens me with leaving and says I'm a nasty person. He also uses my weight against me and constantly says I need to get rid of my stomach. He says that I make him angry. He says that I say things that make him so angry and that I'm the only person who does that to him. I feel so confused because I honestly don't know what I'm doing wrong. I feel so insecure and lost all my confidence. He said he wants to go back to his part time dead end job because he can't cope with other jobs. I said that's fine but I'm honestly worried about the future with him. I feel like he doesn't really want to work in life. I've been so supportive of his work anxiety but I feel like all I get is verbal abuse back.

We have some really amazing days but so many days now are just full of arguments. I love and care about him but I feel so low with his behaviour.

Am I going crazy? How do I sort this relationship? Why is he treating me like this?

View related questions: confidence, insecure, moved in, university

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (29 August 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYou deserve better than the way this man is treating you. Nobody should be treated like that in a relationship. You now need to be brave and end things before it goes to far. If you stay with him and put up with him then your confidence will go lower and lower until you literally have nothing more left to give. He has no right to comment on your health and your weight and make you feel so little, no man has the right to do that to a person. It is time you stick up for yourself and leave him, he is never going to make you happy.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (28 August 2017):

Honeypie agony auntHow do you fix it?

Next time he threatens to leave - show him the door.

Or even better, end it BEFORE he threatens to leave.

This is NOT a good or healthy relationship. You CAN NOT "make" him stop being abusive. THIS is who he is. The only one who can MAKE changes is him and I seriously doubt he would. He is too busy lying to everyone and being an ass to you.

The reason your health is going downhill PROBABLY partly has to do with him and his treatment of you. Someone who is constantly trying to "fix" everything in order to please the other person is miserable.

He CHOOSES not to work and to BLAME you for it. Like it's really your fault, what a load of bullshit.

He calls you names and YOU apologize?

I think it's time you take off those rose tinted glasses and accept that this will NEVER be as good of a relationship as you "imagine" it can be or you want it to be.

I would rather be single than THAT miserable with an abusive, lazy, manipulative and corrosive partner.

You can LOVE and CARE about someone and be absolutely miserable with them, that means you are NOT a good match.

If you were to write a pro and con list about him and you and the relationship - how do you think that list would look? More in the CON side or the PRO? My guess is CON.

Think about it. IS this really HOW you want to live your life? With a partner like that?

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (26 August 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntSweetheart, people can only treat us as badly as we allow. He is treating you like this because you are ALLOWING it.

It always makes me sad to read posts like yours. You sound like a kind intelligent young lady. What the hell are you doing with this abusive waster who has made you think you deserve no better?

Abusers will inevitably try to blame the target of their abuse, saying THEY are at fault. How can it be YOUR fault that he can't be bothered to hold down a job (unless he has been professionally diagnosed, I don't buy the "anxiety" claim)? How can it be YOUR fault he calls you names? How can it be YOUR fault he cannot handle you having a difference of opinion about something without becoming abusive? He doesn't love you, he just wants to control you.

Sweetheart, you are worth so much more than this waste of space. Find yourself somewhere else to live (can your family find room for you to return?), tell him you are worth better than him and walk away with your head held high. That is MY advice. Sadly I predict you will not do this because he has made you feel worthless and in the wrong. As a result of this, you feel YOU have to "fix" this relationship. Sadly it is not in your power to fix an abuser. I hope something happens to make you realize that you are worth so much more and that nobody deserves to be treated in this way. I hope one day you have the strength to take back control of your life.

Hugs. x

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2017):

I'm confused as to why on earth you would want to stay in a relationship like this. He can't hold a job, verbally abuses you, threatens to leave you, belittles your appearance, causes you so much stress you forget to look after yourself.

Are those few amazing days worth all the other bs he is putting you through? This relationship is beyond sorting and he's treating you like this because you allow him to do so. Every day that you stay with him you are giving him permission to abuse you. Stop punishing yourself like this. This kind of stress will lead to more health problems and, yes, it will make you crazy. You're too young to put yourself through this for the likes of him.

He's going to get worse before he gets better, if he ever does, and be probably won't. His verbal abuse could turn into physical abuse. He's self-destructing and taking you down with him.

If the apartment is not in your name leave him now. If it's in your name kick him out, but make sure your parents are with you when you do it. You might want to seek advice as to the best way to disentangle yourself from this situation. Use your parents and friends as a support system. Do whatever it takes, but please leave!

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