A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for 18 years now, and our anniversary is coming up on November 7th this year.I found out a big revelation from my husband last night; he'd been using prostitutes in the run-up to our wedding and actually slept with one particular one, Allison (not her real name) on our wedding day itself, first of all in the morning, then after the ceremony itself (apparently he'd done it when I'd had photos taken of me with my bridesmaids).Allison was 23 at the time, apparently.The revelation came out over dinner out of the blue.I also found out he'd done it on our first anniversary in November 2004, and our fourth anniversary in 2007 and fifth anniversary in November 2008 he'd kept going back to Allison.He also went back to Allison on our 10th anniversary too...it's like she's a drug he's addicted to.I'm going to have to divorce him over this, and I'm also worried about how to tell my family as they think we're a great couple.We've had a good 18 years so far, no major arguments, we do have a 19-year-old daughter Rachel to consider though.I found out my husband introduced Rachel to Allison and told her Allison was a "family friend" when she was just six years old; isn't that low, introducing her to the prostitute he's been having an affair with?Isn't what my husband did the lowest of the low, sleeping with the prostitute on our wedding day and anniversaries?I really love my husband but am now questioning the whole thing, I thought I loved him but was marrying him really the right decision?I honestly thought we got on, now I'm questioning my whole marriage and worry this could affect my mental health.We live in Texas, a state where prostitution isn't a hugely talked-about issue, it ain't Las Vegas and its brothels (I live in the DFW area).I feel angry, upset and embarrassed.I do have an OK support system, my sister is my best friend, but mom and dad live in Canada now so I can't see them (they moved for Dad's job, which, incidentally, he can't work from home for anyway... much like my job is).I don't know how to cope mentally with this, it's unsettling and making me angry, normally I'm a calm person and don't easily get flustered.This whole revelation is making me worry a lot and I don't know what to do emotionally.I'm going to get a divorce attorney, started researching that.What I don't know how to do is cope emotionally over my husband's affair or how it could affect my daughter.I really need your help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2021): So sorry.My heart breaks for you.I would move to canada.Take your kids.Raise them in a place where there is morals and kindness.Sadly that is not the USA no more.Guys think they can do anything here.That your hubby took a six year old to his sex meeting is child abuse.Go to your parents...they live in a much better place to raise kids.You in time might even find a real man there with integrity and honesty...I really doubt you would find one in Texas like that.Be strong.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2021): I am so sorry, what you have written is just terrible. I am married, just so you are aware, about the same time frame as you.Thank goodness you are still young so that you can have plenty of years, god-willing, without him if that’s what you choose to do! Console yourself that you could have been lied to for longer, not that THAT helps much, but at least now you have a chance to get away or see the light!If it were me I would be consumed with all sorts of negative emotions, the thought of being lied to and strung along, well your very foundation is moving as the reality you thought was there, actually isn’t. I certainly think that no matter what the setting of you wedding that you will have no problem getting or pursuing an annulment or divorce, and I only mention annulment here because I doubt, he being the type of man that you described, that he EVER had the intent to be faithful to you, and doesn’t marriage have in its vows about being faithful, for one?Like other people that have answered this post, I am disgusted that during your very wedding he was off with some cheap smutty woman doing the dirty on you; people are creative when they are planning lies and deception, again, I am so sorry. My own mother to this day tells me that my father’s friend hired a prostitute for him to have a go with, right before their wedding ceremony and that she walked in on him, and though they got divorced when I was young, I am still capable of imagining, should that have been the case, how horrendous it would have been.. I don’t know what he was playing at, whether this man wanted a double life or just couldn’t keep it in his pants, but it sounds like you married a big little boy or a very disingenuous, wicked person.The most hurtful form of wickedness, in my opinion, is when people hurt you while trying to keep up the pretence of being ‘nice’ or acting reasonably in all other areas of life while being secretly venomous, I sure think the deception makes it worse to deal with because perhaps you are questioning which parts were real, what did he mean, who on earth is he really? My gut instinct of an answer would be, that this man is not worth knowing properly, whoever he is. He clearly showed you one side of himself, shutting you out or compartmentalising in other areas. He obviously has mental issues to get over for himself. Truth and honesty are the very basics in a decent relationship, so that no matter how bad, you ca at least see where you are with each other, and deal with whatever issue it may be together, but he did not want that.I am so sorry to say this, but while you thought you had a marriage, i don’t think you did, if a marriage means love, commitment, truth and exclusivity. He doesn’t deserve you anyway, but while you are drying your tears please take heart in that it reflects far far worse on him than it ever will on you. At the end of the day, say he ran off into the sunset with said Allison; she’s a paid prostitute after all!!! You could even laugh a little when you are ready. What, is he going to pursue a proper adult relationship with her, minus the dollars? I don’t think so.. and besides. If it all became cute and cookie-cutter for them, how would they know if each other were not cheating? Golly, look at these two, they almost deserve each other!Tell your family and friends in a calm, collected manner when you can. I have found that honesty is a huge key in life. Secrets are best only kept if they will later either bring someone joy, or if it is nobody else’s business, otherwise anything clammed up just causes pain. You will want and need the support of your friends and family, and YOU dear, sweet woman have not done anything to feel shame or embarrassment so don’t let those negative thoughts enter where you start wondering if you can or should tell anyone. You should. You are entirely innocent. In a way doesn’t that also heap coals, so to speak, upon his head? That you are innocent.. He made this awful mess all by himself. You can walk away, after doing right all these years, with your head held high. Thank God that you still have health, resources, contacts, whatever it is that will help you get on, because you don’t need this toxic man in your life anymore.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2021): You live the best life, be happy ?? make new friends. Life is out there for the taking. Do you my friend. Live happy!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2021): Boy, oh-boy!!! Your husband is unbelievable! Just telling you how sorry I am that you'd have to hear all this, 18 years into marriage; just seems to be such an understatement...even out-of-touch! What can anyone say? I am so very sorry!
You're now going through shock and disbelief. Your conscious and subconscious-mind have to synch-up on absorbing the bad-news. That's tough, because you've convinced yourself for 18 years; that you have a good marriage. Although, you see the truth before you; your subconcious-mind has to believe and accept it. You want otherwise to be true; thus, the serious inner-conflict. You feel grief, betrayal, humiliation, hurt, rage, and disbelief! All at the same time! For any sane human being, all that emotion is overwhelming!
You've absorbed a lot of blows, disappointments, heartache, difficult challenges, and betrayal by the time you've reached the age of 40. Like all your tribulations and challenges in the past; you'll come to terms with the truth. You'll get-a-grip; so to speak! When it's bad-news, the truth is hard to accept. It tears your heart out; and you may spiral into a state of dispair. Which is only interrupted and/or feuled by bouts of anger. Nothing hurts like the emotional kind of pain you're experiencing, sweethheart; so you must take a deep breath, and give yourself time. He dropped a hell of a bomb on you!
Sometimes my advice can be unorthodox; compared to modern-standards, or popular-culture. Fortunately, this forum allows for free-thought and opinion; although, it is closely monitored for abuse, trolling, or excessive criticism of original posters by aunts, uncles, or anonymous readers. My opinions are my own, and do not reflect the beliefs or opinions of Dear Cupid.
That being said, let me make this suggestion. Pray for your peace, and guidance from God. I don't know your religious belief, or if you're an unbeliever. If you practice christianity; then my advice would be more applicable. To a believer, there is but one and only one God. He listens to all prayers, no matter what it is, or whom it's from. He's sovereign; so you cannot tell Him what to do, change His mind, or undo His will. He is loving, patient, merciful, and omnipotent; therefore, no problem is too big for God. In short, like you might have been told back in Sunday school..."say your prayers!" God is an Almighty Comforter, and a healer. He dispenses mercy, and reveals the truth. No matter how hard you try to bury or disguise it! He is the source of all that's good; and humans are His creation and specialty. He knows every hair on your head; and knew you before you were even born. He knows your future, and has plans for you. Good plans! Be not dismayed, or lose heart, my dear!
According to the Bible, no sin is unforgiveable; if you're repentive, sincere, trusting, and believe Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. If you don't, then you have to rely on something else. If you are Christian, you already believe this; I'm not prosilatising, I'm only reminding you. I practice what I preach. According to scripture, it's best to seek our answers from God first. He doesn't necessarily vocalize in an audible voice, for some He might; but He reveals answers through many sources. The lyrics of a song, the innocent words of a child, a wise elderly-person; or just some stranger passing-by, who offers you their goodwill and advice. Like me! Even one of your enemies; who doesn't even know they're being a tool of the Lord! He's God, what can I say? He created both good and evil. He controls everything!
Your husband is clearing his conscience. That too, can be the work of the Lord. Forcing the truth out of a sinner comes from conviction and guilt. The truth these days is attacked and persecuted. People rather feast on lies and disinformation; they like telling you what you want to hear, or deceiving the weak-minded with bold-faced lies. Surprisingly, people will eat it up! Some folk will kill you, if you disagree with them! I seek only to remind you, or suggest to you; if you have never considered. God is available 24/7, 365, and on-call for all eternity. He's not a genie, a sourcerer, a myth, or an ATM. He is a Divine Spirit, the one and only true God, A sublime diety, and Creator of the multiverse; so He acts when He is good and ready. Never late, too early, and always on-time! Have faith and patience, it yields good fruit!
You will find your peace, even if you don't ask. There is also His grace; that's when He blesses and gives gifts for no apparent reason. Even to those we consider bad-people, and can't figure-out why on earth would He do that? He's God, no mind on the planet can figure Him out. He's perfect!
Pray for your peace, comfort, and guidance. Pray for patience and the ability to forgive your husband; even if you will divorce Him. God allows divorce in cases of abuse and adultery; but you should always seek clarification of scripture through your faith ministry. Never guess, or listen to people who really don't know their scripture. They'll mislead you, and offend God. Woe unto those who would do that!
I will pray for the three of you. Maybe your marriage is salvageable in spite of this terrible news. He wasn't sharing this out of the goodness of his heart; it was forced out of him by divine intervention. We all deserve the truth. Both good and bad! God will remove bad-people from our lives; but that doesn't mean we should hate them. We forgive them, and love them from a distance. They are removed for good reasons; because they disturb our peace, or distract us from our faith and worship of the Lord. He doesn't allow or stand for that.
I hope you will forgive the length of my answer. It's given from the heart. I will pray for you and your family. The devil goes for the family, and attacks our relationships; where he sows discord and dissention. That's his thing. I'll particularly pray for your peace of mind, comfort of your heartache; and that the good Lord will give you strength. The seed is already there, waiting to be watered and fertilized with faith. Then it will grow and blossom into fruit. Even if you're a nonbeliever! It can't hurt! I do this for the glory of God, not for myself. I'm a nobody, but I care. God's peace be with you and yours!
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A
male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (13 May 2021):
 I'm just trying to get my head around how your husband actually slept with her at your actual wedding while you were having your pictures taken with your bridesmaids?.
Was she a guest at your wedding or something?. Or was she lurking around in some nearby bushes somewhere?.
Shortly after you were finished with your pictures with the bridesmaids, surely he would have been required to appear in pictures with you, your family, his family, best man etc. Did he just disappear off radar when he was wanted for photo's.
All the other dates that you mentioned that he slept with her, did he divulge these dates to you?.
You have done the right thing by seeking legal advice. Now follow this through and obtain a divorce. You have given him nearly 20 years of marriage, and your daughter is an adult now with her own life.
Don't tell him what you are doing, but i would confide in family and friends with what he has done and what your intentions are. I'm sure your family and friends will be there for you though this difficult period.
Of course you feel angry, embarrassed, he has betrayed you. How could you ever trust him again.
I know it will be hard, but you will feel better once you get away from this marriage. Time is the healer of all things.
Get the ball rolling with the legal advice and get this divorce. Divulge everything to your family and friends and get your support network in place.
It will initially be hard, but you will come through it and out the other side, and stronger, happier person.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 May 2021):
 I absolutely understand why you feel the way you do. I would be SO disgusted if my husband had done this to me.
And I'd also wonder WHY I didn't see this WAY back when. Before marriage or early on.
The thing with that is, YOU can't change the past. You didn't know back then and IF you had, the divorce would have come sooner rather than later.
How do you come emotionally? BY understanding and accepting that it was something HE CHOSE to do. This isn't YOUR fault. It wasn't because you were lacking as a wife or woman. It was HIM lacking self-control, respect for you and the marriage, and just lack of common sense and decency.
DO NOT own what HE did. You had no control over that. You never did and never will. OK? So stop beating yourself up.
So what do you do now?
Well, the first step - a divorce lawyer. And don't tell your husband what you are doing even if you already said it's over. Just go it but you DO NOT need to include him in what's up.
Gather ALL legal and IMPORTANT documents pertaining to you and your daughter. KEEP them safe.
Consider financials. CAN you take care of yourself? Would you need to downsize? Do you own a home?
Tell your daughter. I wouldn't include too much info unless she asks. Just that your husband told you he has been cheating your whole marriage and you are divorcing him. Who it was with is less important. But if she asks, tell her. She is old enough to have an adult talk.
Tell your family WHEN you are ready. And YOU decide how much to tell them. They might think you were a great couple and SO DID YOU! Before he told you what a cheating piece of shit he was.
If you still worry about your mental health, find a counselor to talk to. It might also be easier to have this talk with a counselor who isn't "invested" in your family (versus a family member). At least to start with.
Make a plan for YOUR future and move forward.
IT IS OK to grieve the LOSS of your marriage (as you knew it).
Chin up, you can do this!
One step at a time.
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