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How do I cope with all this pain? I don't know how to cope with this betrayal

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Dating, Friends, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 July 2015) 10 Answers - (Newest, 30 July 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I have just found out my ex boyfriend has had an affair with my female friend.

For months I suspected something was going on, and so me and my boyfriend split because of my lack of trust.

My friend however, always denied it until recently - when I found out ( through another friend) she had been having the affair all along but keeps having fall outs with him - which is how my other friend found out about the fling - as she would run to her to cry about it.

The thing is - I don't know how to cope with this betrayal! My ex boyfriend is one thing - but I was fooled by this girl for months and trusted her lies for which I could kick myself for!!

Now she has unfriended me as she knows I know - but it should've been ME who unfriended her!!

I feel such a mug and also I am hurt that that they have both done this to me - how do I cope with all this pain?

View related questions: affair, my ex

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2015):

Dont u worry a bit that she messaged u first- she is trying to male herself feel better by somehow justifying it in her head- who knows, maybe her partner knows and has had it out with her, maybe knowing friends know....ot not knowing who knows her appalling behaviour has led her lash out at u- who cares! The shear face that u have walked away with ur head high in all this while,she scrabbled about in the dirt still being horrid and vicious says it all really! U not retaliating will annoy the hell out of her! Because she's affected by it all for one reason or another and u r just cutting her out with ur lack of response x

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (30 July 2015):

mystiquek agony auntI agree 100% with Honeypie. If you feel you must have a say with the woman, then do it in the classiest way possible so that you can walk away with your head held high and will not look back later and go "Oh man..why did I do that?"

I would probably send an email or even a letter because at least that way you have time to think and rethink every little thing that you want to say. I'm not good at face to face confrontations (Hate them!) and I'd probably get very upset and the words wouldn't come out right.

And again, Honeypie is right. The best revenge is to move on, be happy and put the two of them in the past. I truly believe that when someone does you wrong, life takes care of them. Like they say, "karma is a bitch" and "What comes around, goes around".

Life is too short to waste it on people who don't deserve your time!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2015):

Hi guys,

I was just about to send her a message stating a few things and then block her once and for all - but guess what - she beat me to that as well! However, I did let her fella know something unsavoury that she had said about him before she blocked me - so I do feel I have got a little 'just deserts'. Petty I know - but I will never see or hear from them again (nor do I want to) so - who cares what they think now!!


OP x

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2015):

Believe me there are people out there who will cheat and then pose exactly your question just to get some insight into how their victim might feel.Well life is strange and every one makes mistakes so if youre done with their selfcentred friendship, move on and never look at them in quite the same light.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 July 2015):

Honeypie agony auntYou know what? I don't blame you. Telling her HOW betrayed you feel and how LOW of a friend she is, MIGHT be good for her to hear (she won't like it, but... when she stabs someone in the back, I think a hew "home grown truths" is what she deserves.)

But IF you do it, do it in the MOST classy way you can without cussing (too much) or being too emotional, and DO not let her get the chance to talk back. Say your piece and forget about her! She isn't worth much else. HIM as well. Because AFTER all, HE was your partner. She didn't cheat alone. Neither did he.

One thing, in my book, is to tell someone, HEY you did me wrong and you are a piece of crap friend is fine. Trying to get "revenge" or "get even" is not. You get even by living a MUCH greater life without the two of them being part of it EVER again.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2015):

Sweetie, give yourself time to breath in this first, and see how it settles.

I would advise don't in anyway contact her to give her any home truths for at least a week. If after this time you really want to calmly do this, then plan how you would achieve it on your terms, and what you want to get out of it.

It needs to be for YOU. It is very unlikely she will give you any response that will make you feel better, and you may have to prepare yourself that her response could make you feel worse.

You could write to her. Say what you want to her in a letter. She absolutely will read it- making sure you end it with a sentence like ' now I've gotten exactly what I think of you said, I'm moving on with my life'

You could write the letter now, and not send it yet- and again if you still want to in a week its an option.

Bottom line is time may mean you don't want to give her your reaction, but as long as you do it to help you move forward and for you why not? Just don't jump straight in there hun- there's no rushm if its the right thing for you it still will be in a few days x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2015):

Thanks for all the answers guys. The girl in question still thinks I don't know the full extent - but I do & was going to tell her a few home truths first before I block her out my life for good.

Not sure what to do for the best..

OP x

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 July 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI'm sorry, that really IS the worst kind of betrayal. And I get the whole I should be the one to unfriend her, but.. here is the thing.. it's NOT about whom unfriend whom first. It's about how you live your life. You didn't REALLY lose a friend, you lost a piece of crap human being who was POSING as a friend and a cheating piece of scum BF - SHE on the other hand? Lost her friend (you), her dignity, her self respect and... THE respect of others (you and the other friend). And your BF? He now has this lying piece of crap as his GF..

So if you look at the silver lining... THEY lost, you won.

I know it doesn't FEEL that way right now, I'm betting your head is still spinning from trying to grasp WHY they did this TO YOU. Again, they didn't do it TO you - they did it to themselves and THEY have to live with knowing what they did was absolutely as low as you can go.

Keep you head up high and KNOW that it doesn't REFLECT on you what THEY did. You didn't MAKE them cheat and lie, those were their choices. THEIR standards.

Spend time with people you love and who loves you back, your REAL friends and family.

And some point down the line? You will realize that YOU can do so much better than that dude and the chick? She will have to live with the regret of her actions. Those two DESERVE each other. King and Queen of the gutter...!

Rid yourself of all his stuff - if he has any at your place - fill a TRASH bag with his crap and ask a friend to drop it off at his. As for HER, block, remove, delete... consider that she fell of the planet.

It will get better.

Live your life - enjoy your life and the whole "living great is the best revenge" - it's true! So focus on that instead of two scummy humans.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2015):

Hi. What a pair of arseholes. Don't spend time thinking about her unfriending you- such an odd society we live in, that we consider fb unfriending as so important, u have unfriended her in your life, she will know you would have deleted her or gave her what for publicly on her account, so she unfriended u- its not a biggy, although adds into ur frustration of not doing it I know.

This pain hurts so much I know, it will ease and get better lovely, it really will.

Write yourself a list of all the things you are going to think about before them, and if you find yourself thinking about them use this to distract yourself. Try each day to consciously think of what you deserve, and how you are going to help yourself get through this- because you will, and at some point you will meet a decent guy who wouldn't do such a dreadful thing, and realise this 'friend' stopped having the right to that title when she betrayed you xx

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (29 July 2015):

mystiquek agony auntAw sweetie..I am sorry. I've been where you are. It hurts like CRAZY! The only pain to me worse than this is if a family member betrays your trust in some way. For me, it was my BEST friend and my boyfriend. I was very young (19) and we were like the 3 musketeers..we did everything together! I should have read the boyfriend even commented on how hot my friend was, but I thought it was safe..she had a boyfriend and my guy wasn't her type...Uh yeah...I was so wrong! One day we had a big fight and I didn't hear from him the rest of the day. The next day he called all apologetic and acting kind of weird. We made up but a week later I guess he couldn't handle the guilt and he told me what happened. I was just in absolute total shock....All these years later I still remember how much that hurt. It just isn't something that you expect, is it?

One of my best friend whom you share secrets with and your man??? But it happens...and more than people might think.

What do you do??? You cry. You scream. You get a pillow (or a punching bag) and hit it and cry some more. And then you accept that neither one of those people deserve your time, love or your tears. Whatever reasons they had, they aren't good enough. They are both jerks and betrayed your trust. You can't change that.

If you have someone that you can trust, mom, sister, close friend that you can lean so. Vent..get it out of your system. Close those 2 out of your life, and I mean in every possible way that you can. And you pick up the pieces and move on. It won't be easy..but you have to. Realize it wasn't your fault and you can't go back and dwelling on it won't make things any better. Give yourself time to heal. Get a new hobby, go out with friends or family, exercise, throw yourself into something new..and LIVE.

I did something back then that now I"m not so sure I would have done, but I was very very hurt by what happened to me. I called up my ex best friend's boyfriend (soon to be husband) and told him what had happened. They were planning on getting married in 2 weeks. I know its awful but it gave me great satisfaction in doing that. THey married anyways, but divorced 2 years later.. Guess why?? Because she was cheating...(hmm...big surprise). I just though her boyfriend had a right to know what she had done. Did it give me satisfaction? Yes. Was it right to do that? I'm not sure. I'm really not a person bent on getting revenge (or maybe I have just mellowed as I've gotten older).

I wouldn't tell you to go have it out with either one of them because quite frankly they aren't worth your time.

Be good to yourself above all. You deserve the best. They weren't it. Big hugs to you sweetie. It will take time but it will get better. And remember..the universe is a weird place..what comes around goes around..and normally you don't have to lift a finger to do a just takes care of things like that for you. Just'll be ok..I promise. Hang in there.

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