A
male
age
41-50,
*nowCave
writes:Six weeks ago, I met a beautiful young woman online who I ended up falling head over heels in love with. She was affectionate, caring, beautiful, we got on fantastically, the sex was amazing, and she seemed to be into me just as much as I was into her. We spent five beautiful days together over four weeks, and were so visibly happy and bonded that people would come up to us on the street to remind us just how much we were in love and to relate stories of their own loves, lost or otherwise. We just couldn't get enough of each other. Every detail and minute of our time together is etched on my memory, and I don't think I have been this much in love since I was a teenager.Sadly, due entirely to my own idiocy, I had misstated two important details of my life, in my online profile and in person. Firstly, being slightly older, I had sloppily listed my age as being a few years younger. Secondly, I didn't tell her that I was still sharing a 2 bedroom apartment with my ex, who I am no longer dating. I owned up to her about both things as soon as I could manage. On the second date I revealed my age and showed her my ID - it didn't seem to bother her and we stayed strong. On the fourth date I revealed I had a roommate and that it was my ex; she had already figured out I didn't live alone and didn't seem to mind too much, but became quite quiet and didn't ask any follow-up questions about it (like whether I was still sleeping with her, which she may have assumed, I don't know).The fifth date, two weeks ago, went pretty well, and the usual affection was still there mostly. As we waited for her train to arrive to take her home, we held hands and cuddled, we kissed and for the first time, she said she loved me. I was so surprised and flattered, almost didn't hear it properly and definitely didn't know what to say... then she had to get on the train. That was the last time I saw her.For the next few days she acted very distant over text. We had agreed a day for our next date, but when the day came and I asked her to confirm, she didn't get back to me - until 12 hours later she texted back a "Maybe". I heard nothing from her for a few days, and with a sinking heart, I relented and texted "I don't know whether I will ever get to see you again, but I just want you to know that I miss you and I hope everything is going well in your world. x"She texted back "I was turned off by your deceitfulness." That was the last text I got from her.I texted back that I understood, that I would miss her terribly, and that I hoped one day she could forgive me and we could try again. However, she then deleted me out of existence... I'm pretty sure she blocked my text messages and on the dating website, and she hasn't responded to any of my attempts to contact her since then.I have been thinking about her every minute of every day for the last two weeks. I didn't realize how deeply I had fallen for her. I don't know where she is or what she's doing, and all I can see that she's still active on the dating website.I clearly screwed up in a big way here. How can I get her back?
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male
reader, SnowCave +, writes (7 November 2013):
SnowCave is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just wanted to say thank you so much for all the answers, I have read them all and thought about them in detail, and you have all really helped me get a handle on the situation and what I can do about it.You are right she also has baggage and secrets - she said so herself in so many words, and she acted quite strangely on a few occasions (e.g. spending 15 minutes in the bathroom at an event one time with no explanation; hiding messages on her phone) in ways that made me think she might still be involved with one or more exes. She spent a lot of time talking about her most recent ex, and even gave me a tour of where they used to live together; but she also thought he was a nasty man and she hated his deceitfulness (he turned out to be married), so that might have explained a few things too.The other thing I found out is that she may have 'discovered' that I am married. There's another guy in this US city I live in, with exactly the same name as me, who is from the exactly same part of the UK. You can find him publicly on Facebook, and his public profile clearly indicates he's married and even has a picture of his wife. Yet he doesn't have a picture of his face on his profile! My profile was set so you can't find it by searching for it. So if she looked me up by name (and she knew my full name of course), she would have found this other profile and concluded it was me, and that I was married. I really think this happened, because she dropped hints that she thought I was a very bad boy and that she knew I was sleeping with somebody else, and I didn't know where it was coming from.I didn't say I love you back because I was caught off guard and her train was approaching... I didn't have a chance to say anything back before she had to go. I'm also not completely sure that's what she said, the train was loud.I think I need to tell her. I do know where to find her - I have a couple of ways I can send her a longer message. I will do that after my ex moves out... the situation with my ex is being prolonged because her father is seriously ill, it's a very stressful time for her and I don't want to additionally burden her with finding a new apartment right now. I'll give it a few months. Then hopefully I can explain about the other Facebook profile and win her back.I definitely will learn from it... I have put much more information in my online profile, and to my great surprise, I'm now getting even more interest from women, who admire my honesty and openness. I'm hoping that she will see it too and know that I have changed my ways, but she hasn't viewed it yet. She might never.Until then though, I'm not going to get hung up on this, and am going to continue meeting women. It's hard because I only have eyes for her right now and I'm not even attracted to the other women I meet, no matter how great they are. But, perhaps with time that will change.Thanks again everyone!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2013): Nothing you can do to get her back. Once you have broken someone's trust they have no reason to out themselves in the same position again. I would have done the same as her because you were manipulative. It wasn't so much the age thing as the fact that you concealed the fact that you were still living with your ex. Most people will assume it means you are not really exes. She probably felt as if you were using her as a mistress. If you intend to pursue new romantic relationships, stop living with your ex first.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2013): I think everyone that answered here missed one huge thing. She forgave you for lying about age, that was not the problem. I think shenalsomforgave you for still living with your ex and not telling her. She said she loved you and you didn't say anything back.Thats what turned her off. and then you didn't insisted. When she was trying to prove her point, you basically sent her a message saying that you accept whatever happened and her new attitude and you are ok with it. If a guy tries to explain his feelings and have a talk with me how much he is into me, I would forgive him many many things, like little lies. You never tried very hard to keep you. She blocked you because she doesn't want a reminder of you, because she feels for you. I would try to some how get to listen to you, if you know where to find you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2013): Hey, all these people say that its wrong for you to have your ex as a room mate, its 2013, things are different these days. My ex wife is my room mate, I have a girl friend, they get along just fine, my teen age daughter can be around her mother a lot more causeof it. She stop seeing you for some other reason, I know you wish you could of got closer, but I bet an ex of her, probably came back into the picture, probably a bad boy. So the best thing to do is, it will hurt for along time, do not call her, or tex her, she lost out , you came clean, an it didn't take you long to do it, if you told her all of it at first, she would of walk away the first nite,she didn't tell you her baggage, an believe me , she has a past to, that's why she is single, sounds to me you are a good guy , for one thing you get along with your ex, smile, your heart will again one day
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (3 November 2013):
 If she has blocked you on the dating website and on her phone, it's a clear signal that she doesn't want you to contact her. I think you should accept that. All you can really do is learn from this. You were deceitful. She probably wondered what else would be revealed..
I don't think she found someone else, as suggested below. Those two things - especially living with the ex - would be enough to put me off. Not many woman will put up with you having a false age online and living with your ex. The first thing you can sort out easily, the second will take a bit longer.
Remember, you only had 5 dates with her. You really don't know her that well. You have to stop fantasizing about what could have been and move on, not obsess about every moment you had with her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 November 2013):
 I have to agree, it's not about your age it's about all the little untold truth.
1. Most women are smart. IF a guy lives with his "ex" it's more common then not that he is still involved with her, one way or another.
2. you lied about your age? And then revealed AFTER you two had sex? Seriously? Like a TA-DA I'm really... 40 not 32.. Well, HUGE HUGE turn off. Not the age but the lying. Like you were wheeling her in based on lies.
3. next time you put yourself out there, be 100% BEFORE sex. Or you will re-live this over and over.
4. She was a really decent girl, because if she hadn't really cared she would have kept sleeping with you. SHE did care. But lucky for her, she also has integrity.
I hope you leave her alone and ponder your own actions.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2013): Learn from this, no one is going to really mind about your age so just be honest from the start and sort out moving out from your ex gf. Rent a room somewhere else because while you're dating that fact is going to ruin most potentially amazing relationships.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (3 November 2013):
 when she said she loved you, did you say it back or did you get really awkward and change the subject?
if you didn't say it back, perhaps you upset her? made her feel stupid? maybe that's why she backed off.
why did you lie about your age? that's just blatant and deceiving. i would absolutely be hesitant about moving forward with a person who instantly lied to me right off the bat like that. if it's that easy to lie about something so small, what else could they be hiding? make sense? i would change that on your profile if i were you.
the biggest thing is the fact that you're still living with your ex. even if you two really are legitimately over, it's extemely uncomfortable and seems shady to a new, potential partner. i would never get involved with someone who was still living with their ex. it is like setting yourself up for heartache. that was probably the biggest slap in the face for her to find out, above all else. when she coupled that with the fact that you already lied about your age, she probably decided she didn't want to proceed any further. that she felt like she would be walking into a heartbreak with a deceptive man.
you can try her again once you and your ex move to seperate places. but i would be surprised if she comes back. sounds like the first impression really ruined all hope. you should learn from this and be a bit more up front right off the bat.
good luck.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (3 November 2013):
 I've been where that woman is, and deceit is a huge turn off. It's like a switch. One minute I think this man is amazing, and when I find out he's been lying, all feelings drain out of me and I cut him off like she did with you. I think it all has to do with dealing with deceitful men in the past and how much pain it caused. I don't want to go down that road again, and neither does she. Your lying was a major red flag for her. I don't think it was your age that turned her off, but when you lied about your living situation, it only compounded the deceit about your age. She found out two things that you lied about (one of them major) in four days. That's a lot.
YouWish gave some great advice on how you can get her back. Change your living situation and communicate with her from the heart. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable. This is what may soften her heart towards you again. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (3 November 2013):
Deleting you was the nail in the coffin of this relationship. Next time don't be so "sloppy". Fix your age, that's just lying and you know it.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 November 2013):
 Do you still live with your ex? If the answer is "yes", then don't even bother asking how to get her back. Get your own house in order and make arrangements to either move out yourself, or she needs to. If you're waiting on the end of a lease, then you're out of luck as far as she's concerned.
You also royally screwed up by having sex with her before revealing these crucial details. It's one thing to get to know someone and reveal those details in a second or third date, but having sex under that kind of deceit is just awful. If you want to get her back, AFTER moving out of your ex's house, you need to ask her forgiveness for letting the relationship get sexual before coming clean. I still don't know your chances, but that's a pretty heinous one.
As for the age one, did you deliberately fudge on your age? If so, you do realize why she is wary of you, right? If you're this comfortable lying about things and hiding things, what kind of a boyfriend would you be? You're paying the price of lying. Starting the relationship by lying is a massive red flag. You saw her for 4 days, and you were in the sack with her.
I don't know. I think you need to soul-search to find out why you don't feel comfortable being in your own true skin, or you'll be on here asking us for a lot more advice. As for her, don't bother until you are ALONE without your ex. Give it a little time, and then write her an HONEST email apologizing to her for getting sexual without revealing the truth about yourself.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (3 November 2013):
 Deceitful? I don't really find that accurate, and I don't think it was the age thing, I think she found someone else and just tried to find a quick way to get rid of you. In general you guys moved really fast it sounds like, and sometimes when you go too fast you risk losing it all swifter than taking it slow.
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