A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How can a real girl ever be enough for a man? I mean, I have talked with many guys my age, and they have all agreed when I asked them whether a porn star has a hotter or better body than a normal girl, they have all said yes! The typical porn star that is: big breasts, small waist, big bum, no cellulite. They say it's fantasy, but that yeah they would like sleeping with a girl who looked like that and that yeah, in secret, they think that porn stars have better bodies than their girlfriends, but that they love them anyway.I mean, it doesn't even have to do with love. It's great that they love their girlfriends. But it sucks that no matter how much a woman does to try to please her man, she's never gonna be enough. My ex, for example, he watched porn and I asked him if he thought they were hotter and he said yes. I did everything to please him, I was funny, kind, faithful, supportive, and most importantly I kept nagging to a minimum! He never knew how insecure I actually felt about my body. I faked confidence if it was necessary.I mean, a woman can be everything in regards to personality or affection, but physically it seems impossible to please a man entirely. Why? What have we done to deserve that? I mean, society constantly tells us women that our worth comes from our looks and sex appeal, it sucks that despite being the nicest, most loving girl to a man, a porn star he doesn't even know has the privilege of being "perfect" in his eyes, while we are "imperfect".I mean, being with him I never felt that any other guy had a "better" or "hotter" body than he had. Anyway, even if I had felt that way, he could've easily joined a gym. It's not so easy for women to change their bodies, i.e. lose fat from specific places while growing fat in others.I know this is more of a rant, but how do I get over it? And is it true that all men think the stereotypical porn star is hotter than real women? If so should I get surgery to be able to please a guy in all fronts? Why is one normal, real women never enough even if she provides everything else but porn star looks?I have small breasts which doesn't really go with this "ideal" for instance, so should I get surgery? Will I ever find a man who will think I'm more than enough as I am? It seems all guys my age prefer a look that is different than mine, and my ex's comments hurt too, I mean I gave him my body expecting full appreciation and then I find out he prefers another body type better!
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (27 October 2010):
Women need to stop with this porn/porn star thing. I'll let you in on a secret - there is no man I know that would ever want a porn star for anything other than a short term purely sexual fling. There would be zero emotional investment, and the man would never look at her as anything other than what she is - a porn star - something to be used short term then quickly discarded.
Now, is this what you really want from your man? Is this what you are jealous of?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): I'd also like to suggest that you borrow a book called "The Beauty Myth" by Naomi Wolf from you library - you may recognise some of what you are feeling, and learn that advertisers WANT you to feel that way purely so they can sell you products and procedures that you don't need. The popularity of the difficult-to-attain "porn" look is much more about money than it is about men.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): You already have plenty of answers here, but reading your question made me think of something I saw on television a while ago - it was a documentary studying pornography, and various people's views on it.The presenter was an attractive "girl next door" type in her early thirties. As an experiment, the programme gave her a porn-star make over, transforming her temporarily into the stereotypical pron star you're talking about. They put her into control pants to make her backside look firmer, a really uncomfortable corset and special body make up to make her breasts look bigger, and firmer and her waist tiny, they gave her a serious spray tan, hair extensions, nail extensions and professional make up - then stuck her in high heels and tight jeans to go for a walk around a town centre.When she first stepped out of her car the made-over woman admitted she felt great - she was suddenly every man's fantasy and felt glamourous and sexy. The interesting thing was that this soon changed - she found herself hounded by guys yelling personal comments like "Do you take it up the alley love?", dodgy looking men propositioning her because they assumed she'd be "up for it" because of the way she looked, women giving her dirty looks or making bitchy comments - someone trying to pinch her bottom. Accompanied by the camera crew and a photograph of the "real" her she then went and asked a few passers by what they thought about her new look. A group of young girls said "you look like a whore. I'd be worried you'd steal my boyfriend.", an attractive young man said "you look much better in the "before" photograph - I prefer the natural look" another joked "those boobs frighten me! You'd have my eye out!" , a slightly older woman also pointed out "Well it looks OK now, but what about in the morning - all the make up will be all over the pillow and the hair extensions will be all matted." Even the men that admitted they did find it attractive (mostly teenagers, it should be noted - the look doesn't seem to appeal as much to older men) - qualified by saying that they'd only really be up for a quick fling, and wouldn't consider her girlfriend material. So, my question is - do you think it would be worth putting up with spending hours getting ready to go out, losing your female friends, having crass comments yelled at you in public and having your personal space invaded by strangers just so that a few teenage boys want to shag you then leave before you wake up in the morning? Seriously?For years I too, had a distorted perception of "what men like" the truth is that there's no single answer to that. My boyfriend confesses that he finds the women in fitness magazines much sexier than the girls in porn mags, because the muscular, athletic look is much more appealing to him than big boobs and bums. Another male friend thinks tomboyish women with short hair are totally hot - and you never see them in porn. One of my ex's left me when I was a slim, toned and pretty 22 year old to be with a woman twice my age and twice my waist size. Truth is, and maybe it will take time for you to learn this, there's no accounting for taste. i'm not going to lie to you, there are a lot of men out there who think the porn look is great. But nobody says you have to date those guys - there are plenty out there who feel differently.
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A
female
reader, blahblahblahh  +, writes (20 October 2010):
 Women are under much more pressure than men to perfect our body image. It's none stop everywhere we look, and some men are easily brainwashed by the media. Hollywood tells us what's hot, and we follow like sheep. This isn't something we can stop anytime soon, and it is very sad. I can understand your confusion as to what men find attractive, but you have to take into consideration that not all men like this typical fake image of a woman that you're portraying. It may seem that way but you only know a small group of men; the world is full of different people from different backgrounds, upbringings, cultures, beliefs.. not all men have the same fantasies.It seems that you have concern over your small breasts, you may think that because most women in porn have big fake ones, that that's preffered.. If men admit to preferring normal smaller breasts, they can be branded pedophiles! The world is so messed up it's sickening, They've allready banned small breasts from porn in Austrailia. Don't let it all go to your head or it will be the death of you. A lot of young men try to fit in and follow the crowd with their taste in women. You are real, the women in porn are made up of silicone, how can you even compare your beauty? Women that buy their body parts are imperfect in my opinion, and women like you are perfect. Would you seriously consider mutilating yourself because of a few opinions you have gathered from some dumb dissrespectful guys? Think about it long and hard before you do something you regret. Most importantly, when you find the right partner, you will believe him when he looks you in the eyes and tells you that you're perfect. Don't settle for anything less, and please don't let porn ruin your life, it happens to so many women, you don't have to have porn in your life and you can set those rules. My advice to you is find a real man that likes real women, a man that doesn't live in a silly fantasy where all the women have round plastic boobs :) Take care
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 October 2010):
 I think you are gathering answers so you can decide whether breast implants would be worth it. I don't have implants myself because I was too scared. I grew a cup size after having my son, but my waistline grew also. Besides medical complications, a lot of women regretted having implants. They sure get a lot of attention from people, getting stared at all the time. Both men and women stare to find out if they are real. The worst that could happen is to find out your new guy preferring all natural. Or that the implants didn't come out the way you want to. That would be worse than not having a surgery at the first place.
My answer would be just don't do it.
What you can do is get toned up and be more muscular.
I feel that in your relationship you don't really love each other. You are doing stuff to gain love and when he didn't love you back you blamed it on your body. When both people are in love with each other, everything would be enough, even imperfection will be beautiful. A dimple, a wrinkle, freckles are who you are and that makes you unique.
For a man who complains about a girlfriend's body, I know that some guys project their insecurity on their girlfriends. They would be the last ones to admit they are imperfect. Some might even say hurtful things to provoke a breakup because deep down inside they are very unhappy. Instead of looking inside they become fault finding with their girlfriends.
There are real men who would love you for who you are.
Your body shape is actually healthier than the apple shape. Women with big breasts suffer from back pain. Women with big thighs have good heart function. Big hips mean less complications giving birth. So, a real woman means a healthier woman. I don't really understand why society worships girls with an unhealthy look.
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A
male
reader, Ricemonster +, writes (17 October 2010):
 I totally agree with CaringGuy. At this moment in time, you're just looking at all of this in black and white and cherry picking the generalizations. This is a self-esteem issue and you're trying to find something to blame that on and justify your behavior. If your generalizations were really that accurate, then 'all women' would also be a certain way, which obviously isn't.
To me, it's not solely about the looks. It's about the package and the connection. It's not linear. It all depends on the individual. If things were exactly the way you describe it, then the majority of women of the entire world would be on this site complaining.
Porn is like beer. It's a quick fix for those that use it. It's not meant to replace the woman in their lives. Take many of my guy friends. Their wives and girlfriends are totally fine with it, because they recognize they are not competing against porn girls. There is no competition of any sort. Most people don't just suddenly have a change of heart just because there is some hot girl from a magazine, unless you're really young and/or inexperienced and have no clue what love to you really is.
Anyway, as CaringGuy mentioned, counseling seems like the next best step.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 October 2010):
I think you're going to need to get yourself into counselling to work on your esteem. You're not finding the right answer on this site that you want, and we can only try to convince you so far. I think you're slipping away into depression, and that needs to be dealt with professionals.
I actually feel sad for you, because you're placing so much emphasis on the idea that all men appear only to be interested in looks, that's it's almost blinding you and sending you into depression. We're not all shallow like your ex.
Not all men are like that. Every man is different. One might like big breasts, another small. One likes a curvy, another thin. There is no generalization as to what men like.
I also think that you're mixing up the realm of fantasy with the real world. You're not a porn star - you're a real woman. Real is better, except to those like your boyfriend.
My girlfriend, for example, likes Daniel Craig. Do I sit there comparing myself to to Daniel Craig based upon looks. Hell no. I recognize that Daniel Craig is her fantasy, and I'm the real world. If I sat there like you are, comparing girlfriends' fantasies to me, I'd be comparing myself to George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Robert Pattinson and all the rest of them. And it would be a total waste of my time.
I think you suffer from very low self esteem, and that has lead to these problems. You seem to be basing your ideas on the word of your lousy boyfriend and the lousy male friends you have. That's a major indication to me that your esteem is causing you to go for me who aren't good enough.
Low self esteem = crap guys fancying you.
Low self esteem = you will accept crap guys as boyfriends.
After all, how can you expect a good man to accept you and love you as you are, if you can't accept and love yourself? You can't. You say that no woman can compete with a porn star. There are guys on this site alone, including me, who disagree with you because we don't live in the mystical world of porn that your lousy ex did. I have a girlfriend, and you can bet I don't bother about make believe porn on a computer screen when I have her for real! Other guys on here are the same.
And actually, in the same way you say women can't compete with porn stars, we could argue that men can't compete with the way you're thinking right now. No guy is going to be able to compete with a mind that says "He'll think porn is better" or "I'm not good enough".
You need to get counselling and get all this out, otherwise you'll be putting yourself down for the rest of your life, whilst missing all the decent guys who aren't shallow walk on by. You're losing out on decent guys who can't compete with your belief that all they want is some fake porn star on a screen. Please get help for your esteem. There really will be a guy out there who will just love you as you are. But he will run a mile if he thinks he's not good enough for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo they like her for sex only, OK, but they STILL like her. I mean, maybe if they found a sensible girl, who was really smart, kind, funny, had interests in common with them, wasn't a whore, BUT she had the looks of this "ideal" girl... they would marry her in a second, don't you think? That's what I find upsetting, that real-girl looks are not as good, and if I looked like one of those girls on porn or Zoo, but stayed the same with my personality and all, I'd be so coveted by men... just on the basis of how I look.
I mean, I'm not one of those loud girls, I'm funny, I'm very smart and when I'm in a relationship I'm completely faithful and kind. Sounds perfect, right? Except I don't get much attention because I have small breasts, I'm not perfectly toned and kind of look like a pear. I can only imagine how much more attention I'd receive if I had giant breasts, a tiny toned waist, and a perfect behind and legs!
So looks do make a difference... I think the only reason men wouldn't want to spend their lives with these women is because they're basically whores. But if they weren't whores, they probably would go after them immediately, and put up with a lot more crap just because they're hot.
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A
female
reader, LovePrevails +, writes (16 October 2010):
 Sweety, most guys like do like the typical perfect girl, yes. but only for a shag. thats it. there not gonna wonna spend their life with them, maybe you just havent found the right guy yet, because when you do, you will be perfect, in everyway.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): I have talked with many guys my age, and they have all agreed when I asked them whether a porn star has a hotter or better body than a normal girl, they have all said yes!
What's your age dear, 13? Boys who say this are either extremely immature or just jerks. For two reasons-- a) Most men (keyword: men) appreciate the soft curves of a natural woman and prefer it to bones or plastic. Also, men have the ability to separate fact and fiction: girlfriend/wife material vs. porn star. Maybe they mean they would like to f*ck a porn star, but all boys and men can differentiate this act from a loving relationship.
b) There's something out there for everyone, and if there are some guys who DO prefer the porn star body, only a real JERK would tell his girlfriend this. You're better off without him.
You need to work on your self esteem, first and foremost, Before entering another relationship. Forget surgery, work on developing confidence. When you find a new guy, make sure he appreciates you every bit as much as you've learned to. Finding someone with realistic expectations and a firm grasp on reality, as well as a healthy self-image: That's the key to happiness/stability in a relationship.
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A
female
reader, elite123 +, writes (15 October 2010):
i have small boobs and men make very nice comments about them. i can't even get cleavage with a push-up bra. soooooooo i think you need to move on and not let this invade your head. if you do find a man to love... you may scare him away by this
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A
male
reader, Ricemonster +, writes (15 October 2010):
No one is perfect. The important thing is how you're accepted and wanted.
I would NOT believe my girlfriend if she said I was perfect, but I would believe her if she said I'm 'perfect' for her. The difference between the two is that there will always be another man out there who looks hotter, sexier, braver, is a better leader than I am, a wiser and more tactful person that I am now, etc, etc. I am 'perfect' for her because she accepts me for what I am and what I can provide for her.
So it comes down to this: if your lover accepts you, then ultimately, that's all that truly matters. Everything else is secondary. Two people can strive to be 'better' versions of themselves but that should only come through natural will and not because you feel you're not 'perfect-looking' like the next Bathing Beauty or Top Model, etc.
To me, I know there are gorgeous looking girls somewhere in the world, even prettier than my girlfriend, but I accept her and she is 'perfect' for me.
(PS: I'm jealous of your lover, as I'm a... Ah, never mind.)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, Rice, that was a bit of an exaggeration. I don't want a robot that worships me. I just want to know that in the eyes of the man I love, I'm perfect. I don't want a bimbo with plastic tits, who wouldn't even give him a second glance, to have that privilege. Why should she? She's not the one who cares about him and who loves pleasuring him.
I mean, I did all that. I gave him everything he wanted sexually. Sure he appreciated it. But then to have him tell me my breasts had shrunk and that if there was anything I could do to make them bigger, or if there was anything I could do to get rid of the cellulite on my thighs, or that he told me big breasts are hotter than small ones... well... had I known that before I gave myself to him... I wouldn't have done it.
It hurts a woman's ego to hear stuff like that.
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A
male
reader, Ricemonster +, writes (14 October 2010):
"What I still don't get is what did women do to deserve this? That our beauty is not perfect and ideal?"
What if your husband started watching porn of chubby women? What would you say about "the ideal" then? Would you then consider making yourself fat, because he is getting off on chubby women? Again, beauty is subjective. Comparing yourself to an impossible ideal will just cause further stress. Also, as someone mentioned earlier, no one ever needs to be 'perfect' to fit a personal preference.
Most men I know and have spoken to aren't that black and white, that they would solely choose a porn girl with huge boobs over a 'real' girl with small boobs, but this is besides the point. Ultimately, ask yourself why you are so worked up about this.
Personally, I have never had any big problems when my girlfriend masturbates thinking about some hot older guy, because at the end of the day, her heart is with me and that's truly what counts. Then again, she's not saying I should be muscular or toned-fit looking, etc. She's not asking me to change my body to suit her sexual tastes. Again, this in itself would be a different topic.
Anyhow, this is a self-esteem issue. No one here can reason with you on how to change that, because again, only you can achieve the realization of why you feel this way and why you have to have absolute control over this. It seems to me that what you desire is not a human connection, but a robot that will worship you.
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A
female
reader, vamp-gal +, writes (14 October 2010):
 First of all, no you should not change youself to please a guy.You have to understand that porn stars are made up to do that kind of work. For example they have had surgery, they have to work out constantly, they get everything done professionally because it's what they have to do as it's their lifestyle choice.However, that does not mean that we have to go out of our way to try and live up to SOME males expectations of how women should look.The thing is everyone is different, meaning all men are different and some have different tastes than others. So while some may like the stereotypical look of how some women look others will find the non stereotypical look more appealing.Society makes us believe that we have to do this and we have to do that in order to be "perfect" but the thing is, we can't be perfect because we're not. Nobody is and trying to be perfect will only make you miserable.I'm not sure that there's a specific way to try and get over the feeling, you just have to accept that, it's just the way it is - whether we like it or not.Also, if it came to actually choosing between a porn star and their girlfriends, then I'm sure a guy would choose their girlfriends. Porn stars may have the body but they fell in love with their girlfriends for a reason besides their body.Anyway, hope this helps x
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female
reader, hismrs +, writes (14 October 2010):
 I can't tell you how much your question reminds me of something I would be asking 2 or 3 years ago. I know exactly where you are coming from - I could BE you. Lol. Ok, ask yourself, why do I need to be absolutely perfect for him or ANY man? Why is it absolutely necessary that I am PERFECT for him?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 October 2010):
 I forgot something.
I don't think that getting breast implants is the solution for you; chances are that if you meet a consciencious,responsible plastic surgeon, he will not agree on operating you.
Unluckily it sounds like you have a lot of issues about self worth and self esteem strongly linked to your self image, in other words it sounds like after getting breasts implants, you'd still be unhappy with yourself and you'll look for other stuff to improve : buttocks, thighs, nose, cheekbones, whatever...in search of an unrealistic ideal of perfection.
Making you the ideal client for an unethical, money-hungry
plastic surgeon,- but a true nightmare for a serious, scrupolous one.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (14 October 2010):
Society makes YOU feel that that is best kind of beauty.
Not "us ". I don't feel that. My partners did not feel that. A lot of people does not feel that.
Honey, it's sad you got so traumatized by ONE bad experience you had with ONE guy whichy , btw, (sorry but I have to tell it ) sounds like a total loser and a low - class jerk.
But, you can't fashion an entire esthetic philosophy out of the personal preferences of one, or even a bunch, of uncouth, immature people.
Maybe, as painful as it is admitting it, your ex was not that into you to begin with, and took you as a sort of default option ,waiting for the big breasted Californian blonde of his dreams to come along. Sad,but...what's the solution ? turning yourself into a big-boobed Californian blonde so that you can attract more morons with your ex bf's mediocre tastes ?
I'd say no- the solution would be ,before starting a relationship, making sure the guy is absolutely ,totally attracted to you exactly the way you are, and/or having the COURAGE to get out of the relationship the moment you
should feel this it no so anymore and you are an "in lack of better ".
Impossible finding someone who is turned on by you ? Too difficult ? ... and why ,please explain me.
Porn stars are a bunch of people, a few hundreds maybe ? Add all you want : models, beuty queens , fashion icons, - just run-of-the mill VERY pretty girls. It still adds up to maybe 10 ,20% of the female population. What about the masses of normal or average looking women ?
Are they all spurned, lonely,rejected ? Are they all partnerless, sexless ? No man enjoys having sex with them ?
Obviously not. Just look around. Reality contradicts your thoughts. Which are not even your thoughts, but the thoughts of an ex bf with too much testosterone and too little class and sensitivity in himself.
Start changing your thoughts - and if you can't by yourself, try Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. In the long run, it 's less painful, less expensive and more useful changing your thoughts than your whole body !
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (14 October 2010):
 There are hot people in the world. Some of them in porn, others in the movies, modelling, working at the nearby supermarket for all you know.
To the typical male, these are nice to look at. It doesn't mean they want to be with them. They want to be with the woman they love. Sure, the woman they are with may not be perfect - no one is, not even the surgically-constructed bombshells of Porn Valley - and the more tactless of them may occassionally point that out. Hell, I'm as close to the porn ideal as I think it's possible to get without surgical help and I've had the occassional guy say my leg's weren't exactly perfect. It really rarely means anything.
After all don't we women do it too? Whether it's an obvious choice like Brad Pitt or a less obvious one like Steve Buscemi or even our ex-boyfriend, we sometimes compare our men with someone else.
And not ALL pornstars have inflated breasts you know - check out two attractive young ladies called Jenna Haze and Sasha Grey. In fact there are some who were more popular before they went under the knife.
Maybe the particular guy you were with was not sufficiently appreciative of the person you are. It doesn't mean everyone's the same.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010): How can a "real" man ever be enough for women these days who have sexy male athletes and celebrities to think about?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010): Real natural women are better.And im not saything that.No guy wants to hear that theyve popped ur boob implant xD lol sorry, its probably harder to pop then i think.Yeah im not really answering.I just wanted to say that.
xoxo I love everyones answers lol
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A
female
reader, yaytentacles +, writes (14 October 2010):
 I don't think "real" girls being enough for a man is the issue here... it sounds like you have some pretty serious self-esteem and self-worth issues. If you're seriously considering surgery based off of the answers these men gave you, I'd seek psychological help. Just my two cents...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI care about what he thinks because despite all he hurt me, I still love him, but that's another issue altogether.
I guess I'm just afraid that all guys will be like that and prefer say, big breasts. Everything else I can improve; I can join a gym, eat healthily, etc. But my face and breasts are the only things which I can't change naturally, and they seem to be what guys most like: a pretty face and a nice "rack" like they call it. And by nice rack, they usually mean big like a D cup and firm.
Another guy actually told me I should get implants. I told him I was a bit insecure about my size, and he said "Get implants, I think you'd look better". Not my ex, a friend of mine. It made me feel bad, too. Other friends were also talking once about a plain Jane they knew, who got surgery and how "hot" she got and how much of an improvement it had been. They called it a "great investment she made".
I mean, if this is how guys my age perceive women's bodies, then it's no wonder I feel insecure. They NEVER praise small boobs. They all talk about how hot blondes or redheads are, well, I'm a brunette! I don't have a very pretty face to make up for my breasts, I don't have a great butt to make up for my breasts, and I don't have breasts or a face that make up for my butt!
Sure, it's not all about the body. But I've noticed how much guys enjoy checking out women, how much they enjoy porn and all that... is it so bad that I want to be the best to whomever I'm with?
What I still don't get is what did women do to deserve this? That our beauty is not perfect and ideal?
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A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (14 October 2010):
 Yes this does sound a lot like a rant. It also sounds like you really want to know why your ex continued to watch porn despite your best efforts to be his 'everything'.
Real women are more than enough for real men. My real women have had breasts of every size and shape, small waists, big waists, small bums, big bums, blonde hair, dark hair, and everything in between. What made each of my women far better than any porn actress was the reality itself.
I can honestly say that my current woman is far more gorgeous than any porn actress I have seen. She is funny, impatient, generous, moody, lively, and sexy. I think she is perfect for all her characteristics, both good and bad, thats why she is, for me, the best woman in the world. A real man who loved you for you, would feel the same and tell you the same, if he had any decency and sense.
When I masturbate, I think of her. But not all men are the same. Many men need to watch porn of some sort to masturbate. Try not to confuse masturbation with 'he thinks I'm not enough for him'. For many men, watching porn is all about the masturbation. I'm sure that during your relationship, you masturbated too. He didnt question whether you thought of someone else, watched porn, or rubbed cat food on your breasts in order to reach an orgasm. (Or maybe he did).
You were never going to stop him from masturbating, and the only way he could do it was by watching porn. It is easy for me to say, but it wasn't a personal act AGAINST YOU. I believe he was an idiot, yes, but we were all young and stupid once.
Please remember that you are young, sound like you have a lovely figure, and you have time on your side. Your ex is your ex, so why worry about what he did and said. Every day brings you a little closer to the man whose breath you will take away. Keep looking forward to that moment. Then you will know that you are more than enough for a man.
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A
male
reader, Ricemonster +, writes (14 October 2010):
You see, the problem lies in how you think and process those thoughts. People will always find beauty in other things, other people, but that does not mean you're not 'enough'. You are comparing yourself to the impossible and I am not even talking about porn girls with big boobs and a 'perfect' curvature. I am actually talking about the impossible meaning your own insecurities of what you think is acceptable idealistically.
Think: compare yourself to another woman who DOES NOT have these problems that you do and ask yourself "Why doesn't she feel inferior to these women and how come she can still have an intimate relationship with her man?"
The answer is actually pretty simple, because she's not afraid of losing her man to a porn girl. If there is a connection between the girl and the guy, the whole idea of 'ideal body type and features' pretty much goes out the door. Heck, I will always find that Ranka, Myung and Sheryl gorgeous, but I am totally smitten with my lover, just as she totally finds men like Alan Rickman super sizzling hot, but she thinks of me almost every moment of each day and cannot wait to hear me meow on the phone to her every night. ^o~
Yeah, I agree that your man has no tact and he is insensitive, but that's actually another issue. The issue now, is that you compare yourself to the impossible 'perfect' ideal, when in reality the preference has to do with the connection. Ideal and connective preference are two different things, not completely, but you just have to realize this.
Right now: the question is what you are going to do about this, because as this stands, "trying to understand" the 'ideal' versus 'connective preference' thing will just further make you run on an endless hamster wheel of misery which solves nothing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's just it seems like these women are every guy's ideal otherwise they would use more normal women with natural breasts in porn, even if they happen to be small.
I don't feel represented by these "ideals". And I don't know I might be an abnormal girl but I don't think male actors necessarily have better bodies just 'cause they're actors or just 'cause they're muscular. I mean there are some guys who simply don't appeal to me at all, whereas there are male actors that have that "something" that you just well... I don't know. Say many girls drool over what's-his-name from True Blood, I don't find him particularly attractive, but Steve Buscemi (although he's way older than me!) has a certain appeal which I can't pinpoint, but he seems more real. Likewise my sister thinks David Bowie has that something too, and well... Bowie definitely doesn't look like Brad Pitt. But who does she prefer? Bowie, hands down, she doesn't like Brad Pitt.
It's like I don't really dig the whole muscular look. Especially not bulging bodybuilder types. I don't mind muscles but they don't really make a guy hotter in my eyes. And if anything, guys can simply go to the gym if they're that bothered about having little muscular mass.
I can't go to the gym and grow breasts, which seem to be one of the staples of the beauty "ideal" men have. Or else, women like Christina Hendricks wouldn't be so popular 'cause of her breasts. I mean put Christina Hendricks next to Kate Hudson and ask guys to choose. Who do you think will win?
I just don't get it. I gave my ex all the sex he wanted, in every way he wanted, sex to me was definitely not a chore I really enjoyed it, but still, I wasn't enough for him. True I asked him on some occasions what he thought of porn stars. But on other occasions he'd bring up things like my breast size on his own (I still remember once when I lost some weight - not enough for it to become a health issue though - and apparently my breasts got smaller and he couldn't help but point this out and ask "Is there anything you can do or eat to make them bigger?"). He also asked a similar question about my cellulite.
I mean, the mere fact that some woman he has never talked to, who would probably not even give him the time of day and maybe isn't even compatible with him had the privilege of being "more beautiful" or "hotter" or "more of a turn on" physically than I was... that just irked me to no end, because then why bother with giving him my body?
I'm just scared that all guys my generation will be like this, seeing as I have only been with him, and we started going out when I was a teen. Now that I'm single, as an adult, I'm afraid all guys my age will have this "porn stars are hotter" mentality. I just don't get how are we normal women supposed to make real men completely happy if we're lacking in some areas, which, true, may not be as important as personality or affection, but that are indeed important and something men value from the time that, as Cerberus put it, they get erections. Because you can't deny that men value beauty. And to know men are constantly scrutinizing our bodies, comparing us, etc., well it does kind of make some of us paranoid about our looks.
I've always felt like a plain Jane and have always hoped to magically start feeling like I'm just as beautiful if not more than some woman who has to get naked and spread her legs for a living. But apparently not.
What's wrong with real beauty that society feels the need to push these unrealistic images, and make us feel that that is the best type of beauty?
Sorry for the rant, it's just a bit upsetting to me to know that porn stars are considered hotter, when they are incapable of giving any man I'm with *any* of what I can provide!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010): Yeah I would normally agree with Caring Guy but I don't think these guys are being that shallow, they're dating "normal" girls as you said and they're able to discriminate between fantasy and reality. The same applies to women. My girl thinks Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp or Musicians are just hotter than normal guys. I'm a normal guy, do I care? No, she chose me. I will never be anything like those guys and I'm not going to change my appearance to look like them. She's not secretly wishing she was with a hotter film star, she might fantasize every once and while but that's cool.
Why did you ask those questions to those guys, when you don't like the answer. I wouldn't ask my girlfriend who has a better body, me or Brad Pitt in Fight Club. Because there's no contest, he wins hands down.
You have to understand the question you're asking and who you're asking. We're guys, most of us have been comparing women's bodies and discussing them since we first got erections. It means nothing.
We don't compare our women to porn stars but you asked, if you ask me who has a better body, Rosie O'Donnell or Jessica Alba, who do you think I'm going to say?
Would I look at Jessica Alba and think she has a better body than my girlfriend, no not at all but if I was asked by a close friend to compare, then Jessica Alba does have a better body than her.
Which body would I most like to have lying next me, without doubt and always my girlfriend's. Because my love for her makes her the most beautiful woman to me in every way. That doesn't mean I can't make an emotionless judgment value judgment on her body, it just means I'd probably never answer a question like that in real life.
Do I wish she'd have a body like Jessica Alba's? Hell no!
Rather than worry about having a body as good as a porns stars, perhaps you should learn the value of loving your body for what it is, your body. Part of you and a part of you that guys will love don't ever doubt that.
By the way plastic surgery is just very wrong, you will only attract the shallow guys Caring Guy is warning you about that way. You might as well tattoo "INSECURE" on your forehead.
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male
reader, 1002Chas +, writes (13 October 2010):
A real girl who really likes sex will always be enough for a real guy. Porn stars have fake boobs and they fake orgasms for the camera. I am not attracted. I would much prefer a real girl with real girl breasts and maybe a dimple on her ass. If she likes sex and will get naked with me and be open about sexuality I will give her the beast big "O" she could ever imagine. Lingerie is nice and will turn on most guys. Oral is always appreciated.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (13 October 2010):
I have to disagree that a real woman with an imperfect body is not enough for a man. You may be overanalyzing for a simple answer he gave. A woman with enhanced feature does not make one unreal.
I don't have a perfect body (had a C section and lots of stretch marks), but I am not going to have a problem with porn stars having better bodies. And I am not talking about those with implants. I am for it if it's not too exaggerating. My opinion is that I would get braces on my teeth, get a tummy tuck if I have that kind of money. However I am not going to think if I can't be perfect then I am not enough for my man. There are many natural models born with perfect bodies.
I am guessing your guyfriend doesn't really like answering your questions, along with other ones like "do I look fat," "do you love me," "do I look good in these clothes," so he's going to be blunt to discourage you from asking those questions again.
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female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (13 October 2010):
 I have to agree with CaringGuy. These men sound like complete idiots-insensitive jerks. You sound amazing! The kind of girl most men pray to find and I know this because my guy friends always rant about finding total witches while the good girls are getting their hearts broken. Yeah, guys watch porn but normal guys don't obsess over it-it's a once in a while thing to gain some "release." They know it's a fantasy and when they find a real woman, porn takes a backseat. Don't go under the knife. You don't need to. Women in porn are mostly girls who are exploited and go through terrible, harmful lengths to look the way they do. Some can never have lives of normalcy and it's so sad...Count your blessings, dear. You're real and there's more to you than your body. You'll never have to depend on just that. You'll find a man who'll see the treasure you are. Tastes are different. Forget the plastic-lovers. Men love our bodies from the most slender, to the curvy, to the more heavy. Keep being who you are, hon!
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reader, C. Grant +, writes (13 October 2010):
 The girl who is the hottest is the one who is willing to get naked with me in the real world. Period.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (13 October 2010):
I would strongly suggest that you carefully look at the guys you're attracted to, and the guys you hang around with. To have a boyfriend actually say to you that a porn star has a better body than you shows you picked the wrong guy that time. You sound like a really great girl, who perhaps takes on the doormat role in a relationship for the sake of some loser guy who'd rather spend time in front of a computer. Not all men are like this at all. I think rather than resort to surgery, which you don't need, or panic about what's wrong with you, you need to look at the guys you're attracted to.
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reader, Ricemonster +, writes (13 October 2010):
To me, the ideal totally depends on the connection. Absolute ideas don't fit with me. What many women (and men) fail to realize is that beauty is subjective and only makes up one aspect of attraction. Cats like myself, prefer a broad undefined spectrum of physical features dependent on the girl.
Also, men generally have a different perspective on what sexually appeals to them than with women or rather, how our hormones dictate how we feel about the people we're attracted to. What makes someone "hot" is still different than what is a personal preference. Like saying "This Ferrari is gorgeous, but personally, I want a Hyundai SUV."
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