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His neediness bothers me. Should I feel guilty for blocking him?

Tagged as: Friends, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 April 2018) 9 Answers - (Newest, 3 April 2018)
A female United States age 18-21, anonymous writes:

Okay so I've only known this guy for 2 months only, he is at my university. He seemed nice at first and we hang out together, but then he started to creep me out with his neediness and him being too clingy. I was nice with him and i gave him hints that i dont want nothing more than friends, i mean even if he was my friend, he just keeps stalking me whenever i go. I stopped hanging out with him and now im just spending my free time at uni reading, and then he comes out of no where and sits besides me and just talks, and i feel very uncomfortable with him not giving me my personal space. I stopped sitting in the place where i usually read and now i go to the library and read, and he still shows up and follows me when i walk and runs to me and says hi and just open a Convo. And i just hate this neediness and is annoying me. I gave him signs that i dont want to talk and im busy with my life by telling me that i have lots of study/work and he still just shows up. So i blocked him everywhere and deleted his number. Should i feel guilty for blocking him? Does he deserve it or am i overreacting?

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A female reader, Dionee' South Africa +, writes (3 April 2018):

Dionee' agony auntHonestly, you're not overreacting at all. My gosh, this guy is really creepy. Whatever you do, don't unblock him.

What I would do is schedule a meeting with this guy (I call it a meeting because it should be just that; a meeting). It should be set up for the sole purpose of resolving this issue. Speak to him calmly and keep your cool because who knows what this guy is capable of. Before actually going to meet him though, notify someone of your whereabouts and who you're going to meet (in case he tries anything). In fact, it would be within your best interest to have someone shadow this meeting. Maybe have a trusted girlfriend sit in the next booth or at the next table (somewhere really public) in case something happens... in which case you'd have a witness and he would be able to be prosecuted if he does anything criminal. I'd also suggest that you try NOT to bring a lot of attention to the situation by telling LOADS of people because he may become embarrassed and aggressive towards you. Safety first. Be careful.

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A male reader, Perspective Options United Kingdom +, writes (3 April 2018):

No one on Earth, absolutely no one, has a right to your time, your attention, your availability.

If you've been polite but boundaried, if he's been pushing you further than makes you comfortable, then you're entirely justified in stopping contact however you wish.

You don't owe him an explanation. You don't owe him an apology. You don't owe him your guilt. If he feels bad about it, and he learns more about how his actions make people feel, then maybe he'll do better with other people in future and great for him. If he doesn't learn, then you'll be one person in a long line of people to cut him off for being pushy and draining.

It's not your responsibility. It's not your fault. It's not your problem.

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A female reader, TrueLoveWaits2016 United States + , writes (2 April 2018):

Don't feel bad, this guy seems very creepy. Normal people do not act this way. I used feel guilty doing that to clingy people, but now I don't. I've blocked creepy guys because it made me super uncomfortable. From now on always watch whats going on around you and if you see him, do not walk anywhere isolated.

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A male reader, TylerSage United States + , writes (2 April 2018):

TylerSage agony auntI think you feel guilty because he didn't do anything to physically harm you. He seemed to be good-natured and friendly guy but he was just annoying and his lack of spatial skills turned you off, and now your subconscience is trying to justify if your actions were adequate for the situation.

Here, I think it depends on how threatened you feel. If you think he's actions sincerely creeped you out then you did the right thing, not to mentioned you've only known him for a few weeks, however it would have been helpful to the friendship if you explained the problem to him first, this way you would provided an outlet to correct the issue. The truth is, anyone can hurt, not just a guy, a girl could do it, a old lady could do it, even a dog could chew your leg off. Not everyone picks up on hints, so from his end it just seemed like you ghosted him and he may not really know why. Now as a result, it seems you have no friends left.

However you need to ensure you feel safe when in the presence of people you call friends but you also need to communicate with them to let them know when you have a problem so that it can be worked on or resolved. I'm sure if you had bad breath every time you spoke to him you probably wouldn't like it if he just upped and vanished one day, and most likely the bad breath would persist pushing others away because no one ever tells you there's a problem. It's up to you to decide if you want to start over with this guy or learn from this experience.

All the best.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (2 April 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI think you HAVE to tell him that you find his behavior disturbing and borderline stalker'ish. I think you NEED to tell him you don't see the two of you being friend or anything else and that you would appreciate if he will leave you alone. I think he NEEDS to hear it. Though it might not change his behavior.

Giving hints... is POINTLESS, OP (as you can see) He isn't a mind-reader and he might CHOOSE to ignore the "hints".

The thing is HE is stalking you. YOU are ALTERING your behavior to avoid him, that is what stalking victims do! He is showing up where you are out of the blue trying to engage you in conversation.

IF he keeps doing it AFTER you tell him - (and you DO need to nip this in the bud and put your big girl panties on and TELL him - LEAVE me be, you make me feel uncomfortable). However, IF he keeps doing it, you need to go to the campus security. It might TAKE for him to hear it from THEM to leave you alone.

As for blocking him? SURE you can. YOU are in charge of whom you want to talk to and who you don't!

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (2 April 2018):

When a guy persists after you've tried to make him leave you alone, you have to speak directly in no uncertain terms. You don't have to be nice anymore; because he did not respect the boundaries and ignored your wimpy attempt to freeze him out.

There has to be no uncertainty that you don't want to see him anymore. Ask him to stop following you and you do not wish to see him anymore.

It may come down to reporting this to campus security or the police if he is in-fact stalking you about. They need to know you've made it unequivocally clear to him you that you want to be left alone; otherwise, it's just a simple unresolved disagreement.

You shouldn't have to ask more than once; but you've been beating around the bush. You have to use your words, or you leave him an opening. The first thing you will be asked by authorities is if you've asked him to stay away from you. According to your post, you have not.

Please don't travel alone at night if you don't have to. Until you're sure he will stop following you. He may stop if you're more direct about the fact you don't want to see him anymore.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (2 April 2018):

Anonymous 123 agony auntYou're certainly not overreacting and you need to be careful of this guy. I think you need to tell him in as many words that you're not comfortable with him and that he needs to back off. Not a pleasant conversation to have I know but you just have to be clear with him. After that whenever you come across him, just behave like you don't know him and move on. If he still continues to bother you then tell him that you're reporting him to the sexual harrassment cell. That should do it

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (2 April 2018):

Ciar agony auntYes, he deserves it and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

He`s not clingy because he`s lonely. He`s lonely because he`s clingy. People like him ignore those subtle signs and regularly impose on others. They are very much about themselves.

You have to be blunt with this type of person, both men and women, from the start.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (2 April 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntYou feel the way you feel. There is no right or wrong about it. As for feeling guilty, what is the point? Guilt is a completely useless and draining emotion.

He obviously does not take hints (some people don't) so, if he keeps appearing and invading your space uninvited, you are going to have to be completely blunt with him and actually say, "I need my space. I am not comfortable with you invading my space uninvited. Can you please respect that?" and then walk away, and keep walking away if he still doesn't keep away.

Is there a tutor or anyone you can have a word with about this?

Please be careful where you go on your own (there is always more safety in numbers) and check you are not being followed.

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