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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I'm married almost 10 years and miserable. Before people give out to me I have a valid reason for wanting to leave, we simply don't get on, we are in a loveless and sexless marriage and we tried counciling we tried getting out alone we tried to not fight it didn't work . Now all I get is threats that she's gonna take the home when I tell her I want a divorce this has been happening for 3 years now. I stayed in work longer and before I knew it I didn't want to come home as all she does is nag me for everything I do, I work hard in our home if I make the kids laugh loud she complains I'm unsettling them and we really are together for the house the mortgage. Regardless I will always be there for my children.The lady Ive been having an affair with, I know her for over 5 years, she's married to a cousin of mine, I always enjoyed her company and it wasn't until she had a major weight loss that she really took my breath away. Shallow skinned and dark haired I couldn't keep my eyes off her. We always flirted a tiny bit beforehand but when I met her at a family event a few months back my heart raced, I started to shake when she came over to catch up with me. That night I told her you look incredible I told her she was beautiful that her husband is very lucky it was then we exchanged numbers in the sly. She's younger than me she is in her 20s and just as miserable in her marriage . Through text we would exchange 100 to 200 messages a day getting to know each other nothing dirty just harmless getting to know. As another party was due we met for the first time after texting and we tried to speak as much as possible without anyone getting suspicious , we laughed joked and she even let me peck her on the cheek in the smoke room when no one was around. It was then I told her I loved her and she replied I love you. The next week I collected her from work we told each others partners we were working late it was then we booked a room and had sex together for the first time. The best I ever had. I knew then I needed to leave my marriage . I never felt so happy in years it made me realise how unhappy I was. The relationship is not built on lust or sex its so much more than that, we would go for walks and talk about our pasts we would slow dance to music in hotel rooms and we would just meet up and laugh cuddle kiss, I've even told her I want to marriage her and give her more children . I am crazy about her . I think of her every second and I know she's the same she tells me she wants me but we just can't progress until we end our marriages , I don't want to hide anymore . She said she will leave her marriage but we both want to be here for our children, she has one I have 2. Is there any right way to end a marriage? Do I leave and not say I had an affair that I want a divorce and then wait a few months I no longer want to be miserable in my marriage.
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (3 April 2018):
 OP, this is a huge no-no... this entire situation I mean.
Look, I get the whole 'wanting to leave a relationship that isn't working' bit but you have to consider all of the factors here:
You've now messed with more than just one marriage at this point which is really disturbing especially since it's so close to home. It really doesn't matter how bad your marriage was; you always had the option to leave. If it's your share in the family home that's making you stay; that's really shallow and just plain horrible to be honest because if things were bad enough; you'd simply leave. You won't be the fist person to lose the house and full custody of the kids in a divorce and you certainly won't be the last. With that being said,leave. Once and for all.
With regards to the wife of your cousin, it's your cousin's wife. That's a double betrayal by definition.
What drew you to (I'll call her 'wife of cuz') was initially her looks because she got herself into tip top shape and increased her sex appeal. What happens if she lets herself go again? Will she not keep your attention that she once grabbed from your wife? You thought it was perfectly ok to 'go there'. In fact, exchanging numbers in the first place was a huge mistake and as you so label it; sly. This indicates that you're well aware that there should've been boundaries but the two of you just didn't care about crossing those lines. You guys actively tried your level best to blur the lines so that the guilt wouldn't eat you both alive but here we are... it definitely will catch up to you.
More so, if you handle this the wrong way, your kids will sink with this titanic that you've built; trust and believe that. The thing with affairs is that they start off so shady so adding more of a mess to the crap pile you've already built is what you can expect to do if you want to be with wife of cuz seriously. With that, expect a lot of backlash because you will possibly be involving YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY in the process and they sure as hell won't be cheering for you and wife of cuz to live a happy and prosperous life together.
If you want to end your marriage, be honest and shield your kids as much as possible. I would NOT advise you to continue seeing wife of cuz because that will only make things worse and if you do; your wife will definitely have you out of everything that she can possibly get her hands on... (any scorned woman would). I say, discuss this with your wife and reach an agreement regarding your shared assets, custody (and visitation) and everything else but if I were you I'd end the affair so that I could walk out with what little dignity I have left which will allow me a proper chance at building myself up again... but that's just me.
Good luck OP.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2018): Yes wise owl. Yes!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2018): Boy this is really a mess. Of all the millions of women in the world did you have to start an affair with your cousin's wife? Do you know that if this comes out nobody will side with you? Anyway, you have a few options here non of them are good. You can terminate the affair with your cousin's wife and concentrate on your marriage but if that is impossible seek divorce without involving your cousin's wife in the legal case and hope that nobody will discover that you have been having an affair with her or take the extreme option come out with your affair come what may and both of you apply for divorce from your respective spouses. Don't expect any of these options to be easy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2018): When all efforts to salvage a marriage have been exhausted; and it has been determined there is absolutely no way to reconcile your differences, you have no choice but to part.
Don't try to be sly and justify cheating on your wife. The marriage isn't over until you're divorced. You still have children in the home, and your behavior sets an example before them. So you had to go after your cousin's wife?
Seriously?!!
Cheating on your wife and the mother of your children isn't the same as cheating on an irritating girlfriend.
Your marriage is still a legally and formally recognized union until it is officially dissolved by a court of law.
You're a father for life! What kind of example do you set for your sons and/or daughters when you cheat on your wife? Not to mention the karma! You're giving her ammunition in a child-custody battle; and your cousin a reason to crack your skull! The scandal and gossip will rippled throughout your family! All hell will break-loose when your wife finds-out!
Oh, she's going to rake you over the coals alright! You couldn't even wait until you're at least legally-separated? The minute your affair comes to light, and it will, she is going to poison the kids against you. Better buckle-down, there is going to be a shitload of baby-mama drama in the months and years to come!
You had to cheat before the divorce; only to add more bitterness and heat to a potentially tumultuous divorce!
Try and think with your brain and not your penis.
Even when you're in a failed-marriage, you owe the mother of your children some modicum of respect. You still need to show your kids you're a responsible and decent father. So play it by the book, dear sir! Above all, you still need to show by example what your son(s) or daughter(s) what a good father and husband is. Even a husband who no longer wishes to remain with his wife has to behave himself and be civilized. Not act like some hormone-spiked teenager!
A wife stops loving for several reasons. The marriage lasted 10 years. So you're telling us it's all her fault? You were the perfect loving husband the whole time? Your behavior at this point makes your credibility a bit shaky. Kids are in all of this. I always think about how kids are affected by this kind of stuff.
Lust feels like love when you're horny. So no, you're not in love. You're on a euphoric-high from the hormones. It's all about sex, and the long story is nothing but a way to ease your conscience and justify your cheating.
Slow things down a bit. Get your legal ducks in a row; so you can have a reasonably civilized divorced. The more upset your wife is, the more it will upset your kids.
Try and think of your children more than your sexual-urges. You're not only divorcing their mother, you are separating your family. Remember that while you're on-top of your cousin's wife.
Come-down off cloud-nine, and try to handle this mess like a responsible man and good father. Start divorce proceedings and make sure your kids get through this with as little collateral-damage as possible.
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