A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 35 and my boyfriend 33. We've been together 3 years but don't live together. He lives with his parents. I want us to live together but the problem is that he's broke and just finally got a steady job 3 months ago where he makes 3 times less than me. Just my rent is $1,650 and he said all he could contribute is $400/month but he would have no money left after that. I'd have to pay everything else (utilities, groceries, heating, cable, dining out, etc). His situation is probably not going to change anytime soon and I feel like I would be taking over for his parents in a way, which makes me feel uncomfortable. What do you guys think of this?
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female
reader, Jemel  +, writes (3 November 2014):
Hi! My partner moved in with me and then lost his job, I ended up supporting him and it wasn't easy in fact it caused many arguments. I ended up asking him to move out and I believe that was the best thing I could have done. Don't let him move in because you will end up resenting him. If he is serious about moving forward with you suggest he gets a second job or a higher paid one.
Best of luck to you x
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 November 2014):
 As a woman who has always made more than her partner I say NO... it's one thing when he is able to contribute 50% of the expenses but he can't even cover 1/4 of the RENT let alone food, etc.
You will grow more resentful and angry with time as you find that supporting two is NOT as easy or as cheap as supporting one.
I would suggest since you know you will be supporting a man who is not driven to support himself you are aware this is going to be an issue for you...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2014): You already wasted three years of your life with this guy I wouldn't waste no more time if he wont find a second job then he would have to find his way back home to his parents.Don't allow him to take advantage of you.Best Wishes
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 November 2014):
 Actually, if you're LUCKY, it'll ONLY end in tears. More likely it will lead to ending you in financial ruin, your dreams obliterated, you in despair, a hollow shell of what you are now, and bitter at the world, wishing that the one day you could take back in this world is the day you met this guy.
You're 33 and your boyfriend is 35. Do you still choose guys based on high school criteria, 16 years after you left high school??
You are already making a horrible and brainless choice even being with him now for 3 years. It's one thing if he lost his job and suffered an economic or health setback. However, he's in his 30's, lives with his mom, and you've never said this, but the way you worded his offer of "contribution" makes it sound like he's NEVER had to support himself in his life.
What are your goals? Can he be a good dad? What if YOU suffer a health setback or financial setback? Does he even have the ability to be anything other than dependent on someone else?? That's the essence of partnership - equally independent, with the skills to not have to rely on someone else to exist in this world. What happens when his mom is no longer able to care for him financially?
What happens if you become pregnant and have kids?? This guy is used to being mommied with his mom caring for his every need and demanding nothing from him that usually life demands of us all. A man-boy who has lived into his mid-30's being mommied will drain you like a vampire, expecting you to "mommy" him as well, and worse, he won't listen to you. It would be better for you to be a single mom than take this guy in who's been shielded from and has no interest in self-reliance. What's more, he won't be there for YOU, emotionally, financially, physically, none of that. Don't think you know him, because no matter how long you've known him, everything will change the moment you live together. And trust me, once he leaves his mom's house and is with you, it's easier to make super glue unsticky than it will be to get away from him. You think his parents won't weep for joy to finally have him out on his own??
Let's talk about this as well. You said he *just* got a steady job?? Why would he only have $400/month?? If he has a steady job now, what is he spending his money on?? I'll tell you - a guy who has never had to support himself spends it on himself, racks up debt, has bad habits, and his parents do NOT make him contribute to the household like they should have when he graduated high school. He's 35...what about his student loans?? Most terms for average loans is 10 years (120 months).
You think that he won't then exercise his will over YOUR money?? You better believe he will, and the worst thing about it is...you'll let him! You won't even realize you're doing it at first, but you'll start out feeling guilty that you make more, so you start accommodating him, then you'll feel pressured and resentful that he's manipulating you, and then you'll lose your own choices because your credit will be trashed trying to dig HIM out of his black hole because you'll get impatient, only to have him squander any inroads you make in attempting to break him free because all he knows is spending on himself with no sense of what it takes in the real world.
Then kids will come, because playing house tends to increase child birthing by a LOT, especially if he is irresponsible in other areas as well.
I say go beyond choosing not to live with him. You're wasting your time with him. Break out of your rut and move forward with a guy who DOES know how to live independent in this world. Looking back, you'll see it as the moment you took back your life and dodged the worst bullet of your life.
I'm guessing you have already given him more money than you ever should have, which is prompting the whole "live together" thought you have anyways. Remember, you cannot change him. He will not change. Him being with you will not cause your good habits to rub off on him. Instead, he will drag you into the pit of utter ruin and despair.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2014): Don't do that.My friend was stupid enough to marry someone like this. They both were in their late 30s. 10 years forward: he still makes fraction of what she makes. She pays for everything. And she is not happy at all. Before she met him, she could travel, not she can't. When it's a reversed situation st not as bad as woman takes on other roles like staying home with a child, houses work. Plus men in general make more money than women anyway. But the situation when a man like this is not going to lead you anywhere. I just don't understand , he will give you 400$ a month, and then he has not money left ....for what? Utilities, or no o money for the rest of his expences?My prediction is if you take him in you will be taking c are of him like heis your child.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 November 2014):
 At 33 hes old enough to take responsibility for himself. Hes NOT your responsibility. If he can not be an adult then I wonder what makes you think theres a chance of an adult relationship. Instead of moving together, you should move on. Sorry to be harsh, but what future can you possibly have with this man/boy? How still lives at home, can nit afford rent, and his situation is not looking to be improved for years.... What are you hoping for here? Theres nothing ahead. If you are thinking if staerting a family then he is not the guy. If you are looking to adopt an adult child, then sure... Go for it.
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (2 November 2014):
Please read HoneyPies advice as many times as necessary, this huge money issue is not about love. It is about practicalities and about your future
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 November 2014):
 Nope. It makes YOU feel uncomfortable, that is your GUT saying not a good idea right now.
I wouldn't do it. It will COST you more than the $400 he is "willing" to give to have him stay there. He needs to sort himself out financially before you two should live together. And if all he can afford is $400 "but then he would have nothing left" does that mean... that he won't give that $400 for shared bills? Because that would leave him nothing? So he makes $400 a months? Or does he have so much debt that all that is left overs is $400?
I would SIT down and make a budget. I know you can take care of your own bills but when you share living space with someone else utilities goes up. I'm not saying he should pay half. But $400 is a 1/4 of the rest, not to mention NOT a dime towards anything else.
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