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I found out about his daughter a year into our relationship, and he didn't lend me money for my school fees because he puts her first!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Family, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 April 2015) 7 Answers - (Newest, 30 April 2015)
A female age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I'm 24yrs and my guy is 29yrs too we have been friends since childhood but he asked me for a relationship as at last year so after one year he told me he had a 10yrs daughter out of wedlock and he said the reason why he refused to tell me such at the beginning was becos he was scared he might lose me,there is a day i asked him to lend me a sum of money to settle my school fees for my pertime program that as soon as i get paid at place of work i will return back his money, his response was like will you marry me if i decided to settle ur bills in school .

Lastly he said he needs to settle his family first and again settle his daughter bills in school so thru this it shows his daughter is much important than me and at desame

i felt he doesnt love or is it bad to ask ur guy such?thanks for ur reply to my questions so far thanks

[Mod note: title has been corrected.]

View related questions: money

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A female reader, LiveAnnLearn Serbia +, writes (30 April 2015):

LiveAnnLearn agony auntI agree with the other answers, his daughter should always come first and it's a fact any of his current of future girlfriends have to deal with, including you.

I question his general honesty considering he didn't tell you he had a child for so long, it seems like you're rightfully upset about it too, and it's a red flag if you ask me, especially considering you were 'friends' before.

I'd say you have some thinking to do and decide are you even ok continuing a relationship with someone who's been hiding a big part of his life from you for so long. And also, are you ok with being with someone who has a child already?

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (29 April 2015):

chigirl agony aunt"he refused to tell me such at the beginning was becos he was scared he might lose"

This man is a manipulator and a liar. Decent folks DO NOT go on and lie about the existence of their children.

Consider this a stern warning. He's not a decent guy, he's not trustworthy, he is a liar and a manipulator and possibly very dangerous. No normal, decent human would lie about having children.

He's supposed to respect you, but being able to lie about something so big to you, shows that he has zero respect for you. He is a selfish man only concerned about himself, and will do what he feels like REGARDLESS of the consequences. He did not care to respect you, be honest with you, or even trust you. He just decided to lie and be deceitful in order to get what he wanted.

This is not a man you should be with. This is not a good man.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (28 April 2015):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntI detected something on the fringes of prostitution in this... but, then, the whole thing became so preposterous that I had to stop and go get a large glass of rum, in order to continue....

I'll re-read this again, later..... and if I can make sense of it, I'll post one of my "sage" responses.....

Good luck...

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (28 April 2015):

Honeypie agony aunt(Cindy that is because the Mods changed the title of the question)

In the original title is said he asked HER to lend HIM money for the daughter's school fees.. Thus my confusion.

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A female reader, jls022 United Kingdom + , writes (28 April 2015):

I think the title is maybe a bit misleading on this question. It looks like you are now in a relationship with this man after being friends for years, then you asked him for a loan of some money and he said he can't because he has to pay for his daughters school fees. Is that right? If so I think he's well within his rights to do this. He doesn't have to loan you money just because you asked, and his daughter should always come before you. Using this as a measuring stick as to how much he loves you is both silly and unfair. If you can't accept that then perhaps you will need to find someone without children

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (28 April 2015):

CindyCares agony aunt Maybe I misunderstood, but from the OP's post I did not get that THE GUY asked HER money for his daughter's school fees.

The way I understood it ,is that the OP asked him to borrow money for her ( the OP's ) school fees and he basically said no, I have got other stuff to pay which is more important, like my daughter's school fees.

If this is what happened, OP, I think his is a valid and normal reaction ; his daughter IS more important than any friend or girlfriend, - and if he is not a rich guy, his money is earmarked already for certain expenses ,like his daughter's school; plus, EVERY loan is a risk and I can understand perfectly a father that does not want to take a money risk, which ultimately would be punitive for his kid of you don't give him the money back ; and, he does not OWE you a loan even if you are dating.

In fact, to tell you the truth, personally I would not feel OK in asking a loan to a guy whom I am just dating.

Not that there's a law against it, but, I don't know, it feels heavy-handed; romance and money should stay as separated possible, I feel, unless it is a major,major,Major with a capital M emergency. Just my 2 cents.

I wonder too, if you had been friends for 10 years before dating, or getting closer, or whatever is your r/ship now ( I am not too clear about that ), how come you never knew about his daughter ?! What " friend " would hide from you something so relevant about himself, and how could never come up in conversation ?! But maybe we give different meanings to the word " friend "....

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (28 April 2015):

Honeypie agony auntWell, his DAUGHTER should be more important than a friend's bills.

You shouldn't borrow money from a friend anyways, that is a sure way to ruin a friendship. Nor should you LEND him any money.

WHY would he ask you to lend him money if you had ALREADY asking HIM for a loan? It makes no sense.

He didn't tell you about his daughter till he KNEW you were interested in dating him, so he basically lied to reel you in. Having a child is a HUGE deal, and IF she is as important to him as he claims HE should have told you right off the bat. BUT if he has been a friend SINCE childhood how come you didn't know about his daughter....?

Nothing you mention about him OR you seems to be about love, just money?

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