A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:How many people did not have sex on their wedding night and waited until the honeymoon??Husband was upset that we did not have sex on wedding night. We did have sex as soon as we arrived at the hotel on the honeymoon.when i tried to explain why we did not I told him i was exhausted, got back to sister in laws apartment around 1.30am -2am had to open the wedding gifts because wanted gifts to be deposited while we were away, which only left 2hrs before having to leave for honeymoon.Now after 23 years he brought this to my attention, after asking for divorce.
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male
reader, Mr Clark +, writes (6 September 2011):
I can see why it would bother him somewhat not to have sex, but waiting this long to say anything about it is odd (if it really did bother him that much).
Just for the sake of context, did you have sex before you were married? If not, I can understand being somewhat disappointed, but I still can't see why someone would wait 23 years to bring it up.
Also, did he bring this up along with other things? For example, did he say "You never want to have sex, you didn't even want to on our wedding night even though we hadn't done it before getting married!" Or, was it part of a "laundry list" of unrelated complaints? In other words, was he actually complaining about something else?
I will say from personal experience that I have had to learn not to take it personal if my wife is not in the mood. It can be easy to have a rather naive/simplistic view prior to marriage that your wife is going to want sex whenever you do once you're married. Getting rejected by my wife when she doesn't want to have sex still smarts a little at times, especially if I allow myself to slide into my unrealistic premarital view of what I thought married sex would be like. (Us men have to learn that women are human and aren't going to be in perfect sync with us, and hopefully women will understand that us men are still human after getting married and getting rejected is still no fun either)
Still, no matter how you slice it, your wedding night is in the distant past. Even if you had gone at it like rabbits in heat all night it still wouldn't have any effect whatsoever on your present life together. My sense is that your husband is either super-sensitive and also doesn't express himself at all and also never realized that his ideas of what married sex were completely unrealistic/naive (this seems highly unlikely, but nevertheless theoretically possible), or his comments are a pretext designed to shift blame as noted by another poster.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2011): I think that TasteofIndia raises a very good point.
If the couple are so exhausted that having sex would be just for show, it would actually be more telling that they had enough confidence in their relationship to feel comfortable in not adhering to the tradition.
The fact that he raised this to be such an issue only illustrates that he had deeper issues to be so hung up on something which, if everything else is happy, is actually relatively trivial in the bigger scheme of things.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (6 September 2011):
 it was the morning after the wedding for us, we got to the hotel late , exhausted from the wedding, two hour drive on the road.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 September 2011):
 Riiiiiiiiggghhhhhtttt. THAT's a pretty good reason to ask for a divorce....
Ask your hubby if the girl HE IS NOW SEEING AND HAVING SEX WITH... puts out for him at his beck and call every time... AND, if he's going to use this same, flimsy excuse to dump HER in the future.....
Sorry your hubby has proven to be such an a*s.....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (6 September 2011):
 Yep I agree with other posters. Wedding night sex is not all its cracked up to be. My husband agrees that the sex we had on our wedding night was for the tradition alone. It was not good sex it was lets get it over with sex.
I also think this is just an excuse he is using to ask for a divorce and I know you are hurting but it's really quite laughable that this is the reason he's giving you. For goodness sake couldn't he have come up with something more creative or meaningful! If your divorce does go through I hope you will not allow this to weigh on your mind and blame yourself for the failure of your marriage! He sounds small and pathetic to me and there has got to be more to this than he is letting on. I don't mean to be nasty about him but that's what I see.
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A
male
reader, soon567 +, writes (6 September 2011):
its obvious that this bothers him in to call it petty or silly is an understatement. Why does it matters now? Your marriage is over so just let it go. When i asked for a divorce i told my wife its neither of us are at fault but we're just not good for each other.Here, if you want to save your marriage than talk to him, but if someone really want to be along then i want be selfish enough to try to hold on to them.T o hang on to something or croect it 23 years later is crazy. You choose to entain your guest intstead of going off with your spouse now you want to blame him. If you wasnt into me then why marry me. I know their many reason that lead up to this divorce, but a lack of sex and initmacy is a killer for sure, those thing should be an expressio, but the lack of it will do damange that can never be repaired. Let this man go and move on.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (6 September 2011):
 I did'nt either. We were waaaaaaaaaaaaay too tired from the festivities. It was not like the only opportunity we would ever have! :D
I read your other post and I think that your husband is just using this complaint as a form of "smoke and mirrors" to distract from his own infidelity in the marriage. It is a tactic called blame shifting.
Hmmm, I wonder if he is a narcissist too? It is a very common tactic to Narcissists believe they have been shortchanged/cheated out of experiences they truly believe they deserve.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 September 2011):
 I did not at the first wedding or the third....
it's highly over rated wedding night sex.
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A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (6 September 2011):
 You are paying too much attention to this 'complaint'. It is a distraction; meant to make you accept some blame for the break-up of the marriage. I would give it the attention it deserves, which is none.
IF this is a true complaint, he must be a small and petty little man and so, I would stop letting this comment nag at you and look forward to what will undoubtedly be a wonderful fresh start...
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (6 September 2011):
 My husband and I didn't have sex our wedding night. Like you, we opened all the cards, and pretty much passed out from exhaustion. If we had done 'the bojiggity', it would have been for show. Just the novelty of it all. I probably would have been 90% asleep. He would have been too.
This can't possibly be the reason he wants a divorce, is it??
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