A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is it wrong of me to feel like he shouldn't expect me to chip in for the cost of his vasectomy reversal?Things have been getting serious with my boyfriend, we've talked about marriage/kids/etc. He had a vasectomy about 8 years ago. I've read that after 10 years, your chances of pregnancy drastically decrease. I've told him I'd at least like the option to be there for us to have a child, and he says he's in love with the idea of having children together.He casually mentioned we could share the experience, including the costs. Since we're not engaged or married or anything, is it unreasonable of me to think he shouldn't expect that? I know I could just wait for the marriage (if and when that happens) but, by that time, he'll be over his 10 year mark!
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (15 November 2013):
Dear OP,
I see it like that: This guy shouldn't be pushed to have an operation and pay for it himself, just so you can keep the option of maybe having a child some years from now (or leaving him, or changing your mind about children..). He'd be an idiot to do this operation at his own expense, for a woman who hasn't committed to him yet, who hasn't proposed marriage to him, who hasn't promised she would have his baby.
Show him he can trust you and you'll be the right woman to have a child with. It's a small financial risk for you now, but it's a small investment in your future if you really believe in it.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (14 November 2013):
 You mentioned wanting kids with him. He shared in those feelings. Now, it's a team effort. I think since it's something you both want, you both should go in and share the cost.
Think about it this way - if you're ready to have children together, you're clearly agreeing that you're ready to share expenses together. Unless you had other plans? So what's the big deal?
If you plan to have children together, you plan to be a team. And since it was partially your idea, I say you should chip in. I would if I were in your shoes.
Youwish is also very right. In vitro is also still definitely on the table.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 November 2013):
 If he was my husband I would allow our budget to handle it
I would not pay one penny for a man I was not married to for a vasectomy reversal.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (13 November 2013):
 Don't pay unless you are married. Well you certainly did not ask him to have the vasectomy! I find his request strange, especially if there is not even an engagement ring on your finger. If you don't want to upset him, just tell him when you get married and ready for kids you both will cross the bridge.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 November 2013):
 You forget! Vasectomy doesn't mean he isn't producing sperm! In vitro is still possible!
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (13 November 2013):
 Personally, I wouldn't go halves on a vasectomy unless there was a wedding in the works and a formal decision of "having kids" is written in stone.
You don't mention how long you've been going together, but while things may look good now, you never know what MAY happen a few weeks or months down the road. Until you have a very formal commitment (i.e. a wedding date is planned) I wouldn't go through with a vasectomy reversal.
If you hear your clock ticking (as well as his) you may have to make a decision sooner rather than later. In addition, you may also consider the option of adopting or having a surrogate father.
I would also suggest that he talk to his urologist to get the facts. The "10 year" deal could be a myth that is putting unwanted pressure on your relationship.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 November 2013):
 How old is he? I'm curious as he had a vasectomy 8 years ago, he must have felt strongly then about not having any more children.
As for "I've read that after 10 years, your chances of pregnancy drastically decrease." Isn't that the point of a vasectomy? Did you mean that 10 years after a vasectomy, the chances of the male impregnating a woman after a reversal is lower?
You're in the 30-35 age group so your own fertility window is closing as well….
We have no idea how long you've been together. Six months? One year? Five years? If things are going well, you're both older adults and have been dating for a year, then why couldn't you tell him this kind of weirds you out.
Again, he chose to have a vasectomy, that's considered an irreversible medical procedure so 8, 9, 10 years out, not sure that a few months is going to make that big a difference in reversing it.
If he does ask you to marry him, or vice versa, or you commit to being together and having children then you can explore your family planning options. Right now, he's a boyfriend who chose a vasectomy 8 years ago….. how old is he?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 November 2013):
No. Only after you're married do you share. He made his decision to get the vasectomy, and he takes in the cost of making his next decision.
What happens, you pay several hundred dollars to reverse it, and then you two break up? You don't make that kind of investment absent the actual commitment. And paying for that vasectomy reversal won't increase the likelihood of you getting married, in case you were thinking that. That's most likely the unspoken guilt trip he's putting on you, that his decision to marry you is incumbent upon your decision with this vasectomy.
No. You need to wait until the marriage, or he needs to pay for it himself, as it's his decision.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 November 2013):
 I won't bother. I would just adopt a child with him. I could think of too many advantages such as dodging the painful surgery, saving money, and keeping your figure and skin nice. Not to mention you never have to worry about birth control later. You would be gambling away money when the rate of pregnancy drops at the 10 year mark and you are in your 30's so your fertility also drops. After you spend that money you would be stressed out about getting pregnant and hoping to conceive every month, to make sure the money is well spent. I don't think you are wrong for not wanting to chip in. Unless he can't afford to reverse it, he surely doesn't sound like he is in love with the idea of having a child. Note that he said the idea, but not the actual experience of having a child? The way he says it it's like he already knows that you don't want to pay that $5000, so he's confident that the idea is never going to happen anyway. I don't believe a man who's dead certain that he didn't want kids before would suddenly be in love with the idea now.
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