A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a British expat in Asia. I met my current boyfriend in an Asian city. He was unemployed so I let him live with me rent free and I also paid for everything: food, his clothes, watch etc, basically everything. He had promised that from the second month he would start paying his share of the rent etc but after several months this did not happen. I even threw him out once but then took pity and let him come back as he had nowhere to live. He told me that he was having difficulty working in this city as it was not his country of origin and I gave him the benefit of the doubt. During this time I tried to help set him up in business. He spoke to me about his business idea and asked me for help. I was happy that he would be making an income so I invested in some materials, spent a lot of time and money researching and when everything had arrived, he didn’t do his share of the work, saying that it was difficult for him as it was not his country of origin (but the whole business had been his idea in the first place). It wasn’t the only time he wasted my money. One time I was away and left 70 USD for emergencies. When I returned he had used it all to help one of his friends. There were many instances like this during our first ten months together but he kept saying that he would pay the money back and I believed him. During this time I paid for everything but he never bought me even a tiny item. There was one instance when he gave his watch to his friend who asked for it and then asked me to buy him another one, which I did. There was one month when he finally received a salary – he lent a third of that to his friend, who never paid it back. As I was supporting both of us I began to have money issues. I do not drink etc but I was regularly paying for his beer and cigarettes (or sometimes I would give him money to buy food for us and he would use it for beer). After ten months he said that he wanted to return to his country of origin. He promised that he would fund his own travel etc, work and pay the rent in his country of origin and that he would pay all my money back. Stupidly, I believed him. I was being offered some well-paid work at the time but I turned it down. I flew to his country of origin before him as he had overstayed on his visa and had legal issues. Before leaving, I received the deposit back on the place I had been renting – all of that went to him, and I also gave him some extra money. When I got to his country of origin he phoned and said that he didn’t have money for the ticket so I had to send him money for that too. When he got to his country of origin, after a week or so he said that he couldn’t pay my money back after all. He said that some people had owed him money but now they were not around anymore. I was very upset, saying that he should have checked before I spent all this money and moved to another country with him. Major problems started between us in his country of origin. In the last city, I had given him the benefit of the doubt, thinking that he truly could not work due to the reasons he told me and because of this I was patient and understanding. But in his country, he still did not work. He said he did not want to do a regular job but wanted to set up his own business. Due to this we were having several arguments. He tells me that I should be patient and wait but now it has been eleven months since we have been in his country. During that time he has only brought home half a month’s rent. For the rest of the time I have paid for everything, from presents for his family, food etc when his friends visit. When his auntie’s family had problems, they even stayed in our apartment, for which I pay the rent, for a month. During this time I was barely able to work (I work from home) as I was dealing with their issues, but still I took responsibility and paid for rent etc.I feel stuck as I left everything and came here. I have lost a lot of money (he owes me over 5,000 USD). I know that it is my own fault and I have tried to accept this. He has been trying to find work so I tried to put everything behind us and even tried to accept that I have to take responsibility for rent etc. I stopped being angry and things were improving for us. We had even found a new apartment. When we went to see the new apartment, which is larger but cheaper than the current one, he said he wanted one of his friends to live with us. I had already told him when we came here that I did not want to share a place with anyone else, especially because I work from home. I did say, however, that I wanted to do up one of the rooms and rent it now and then to tourists, which would help me with the rent. He agreed to this. I thought it would be a new start for us, he would start working soon, my work was going well and we would also have the room to rent out when we needed extra cash. Over a month ago one of his friends came to the city where we stay. Our understanding was that his friend would stay for a few days and would then find a room. However, his friend has been staying in our living room for over a month and now we are arguing about this. His friend also does not work - I rented an apartment so that I could have space for my work but now I end up cooped up in a room all day, working from there, even though I am paying all the rent. His friend was helping with food etc but I tried to explain to my boyfriend that I do not care about saving small amounts of money, where I have spent so much. I just need peace for my work, which is now being affected. I am so stressed that I am wasting days and unable to work (I work from home). But when I say this to my boyfriend he says that I only think about myself. The issue is not just that his friend stays here, his friend likes to drink every day and my boyfriend has also started drinking regularly, which I do not like as his behavior gets unpredictable after drinking. A few days ago, after drinking my boyfriend became verbally abusive towards me, in front of his friend who was staying with us. The next day I had finally had enough and was about to leave but my boyfriend swore on my life that he would never drink again – I did not ask him to do this, he did it out of his own choice. Two days later he started drinking again because his friend who is staying with us convinced him to. Today we had a massive argument because yesterday my boyfriend got some money from somewhere and instead of giving it to me so that I could use it for rent, he spent it at a restaurant. He said he did it for me, but most of the money went on drink for him and his friends. He did spend some money on my food at the restaurant but on the way back, he took more than that amount from me for alcohol for him and his friends. This was the first time in nearly two years that he took me out. We went to see the new apartment today. He wants his friend to move with us in to the new apartment. I have spent all day crying because this apartment was supposed to be a new start for us but now everything is even worse than it was before. He says that him and his friend will ‘try’ to contribute what they can to the rent. Ultimately the responsibility for rent will be with me.I have never been with a boyfriend like this before so I believed him when he said he would find work and pay my money back. He now keeps saying that he will start working and I won’t have to pay for anything, but it has been nearly two years since I have heard this. I am increasingly feeling exhausted. I scrimped and saved very hard, I never spend money on any extra items, because I am paying all the rent etc. I have done a lot for him, his family and his friends but I have just ended up feeling used. I love the new apartment but do not want to move there if things are going to be like this between us. I spoke to him about the alcohol again today and he said that it shouldn’t concern me if him and his friend drink.I really like the apartment but I had seen it as a home for both of us. I cannot live with him and his friend. I just want some peace in my life. I feel as if it’s best to cut my losses and move on, but sometimes it’s not so easy. He says that he loves me and cannot live without me, but his actions do not show this. I feel alone and unloved and have started to suffer depression. I spent most of today either sleeping or crying. I really miss my friends from the last country I was in but due to my financial situation and because I gave up work there when I came here, at present I cannot go back.
View related questions:
cheap, money, move on, unloved Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (14 September 2015):
 And did you find an Al-Anon meeting?
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 September 2015):
I hope you haven't taken on any more financial responsibility for this man and his friends.
If I were you, I'd contact my friends and family, all of them, and ask them all for small loans that I would pay back in a year's time. I would use those loans to buy a plane ticket and get the hell out of there.
And then I would spend the next few years trying to work out why I allowed myself to be the banker for a smooth talker. And I would NOT look back.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 September 2015):
 Sounds like you have a horrible story that but what you had just described the real state of world affairs, where people can't keep up with the promise to pay back loans which led to the collapse of the central bank. You, eager to love in this desolate world, is willing to be patient and wait for him. Can a person love you but still owes you money. I believe he can but you must think for yourself, put yourself first as self preservation. You are better off with a man who lives on welfare, sucks up his pride, then with this dude who runs around, creates more debt and can't get money that's owed to him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone so much for your advice. This is the first time that I have mentioned this issue to anyone. Everyone thinks we are very happy together.
I know that if I had spoken to friends in the last country I was in, they would have talked me out of moving here. But I am here now and working out the best way forward, perhaps I needed to learn this lesson to avoid falling in to this trap in future. I can earn money again and I will hold on to this lesson.
I am already a little more cynical and a little less generous when helping people and learning to think more with my head and less with my heart - I don’t know if that is a good or a bad thing, but it will probably mean less regret for me in the future.
Thank you again everyone.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 September 2015):
It is time to cut your losses and move on.
Go to an Al-Anon meeting to hear about how people deal with alcoholic family members/partners.
Change your passwords on everything ASAP and move your remaining money to a new account.
See about subletting the apartment (isn't it known as a flat in the UK?) if you can't break the lease. Consult a local attorney for more help, a little money spent now on one could save you much more money in the future.
Time to woman up, be brave and end the nonsense with the broke alcoholic boyfriend.
Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (6 September 2015):
 To cut to the chase....4 words.....MOVE OUT....MOVE ON
Honey, you've been used and you are continuing to be used. Why is that ??? Love?? I doubt if at this point if you even love the man..search deep inside your heart. What is there to love??
Cut your losses and chalk this up as a very expensive mistake. You deserve far better than what you are getting. Please look out for yourself because its apparent this man isn't going to do it for you.
I know its hard to end things but you need to hun...and NOW...not another 2 years from now. You can do it. And once its over with, you can start over and be happy.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2015): You are a British expat working in Asia. What is his country of origin? The U.S.A? I just don't understand why you keep referencing US Currency when you're British and working in Asia. None of those uses US currency.Many a times, when the love is gone, we focus on money or material things .. because we feel we can get it back, to compensate for the lack of love we feel. Of course, I agree that if he owes you money, he should repay it. Question is - did you offer to help him without drafting a plan of his repayment to you? Did you tell him from the beginning what needs to be repaid to you and what doesn't? Did you both agree to the terms? Was all line items and amounts written down so both of you agree and there is a payment plan in place? If not, I would draft one up right now.As for whether you feel this guy still loves you or you love him to continue being with him.. give that some thought and proceed from there.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2015): I agree with everything Honeypie has said.
KICK HIM OUT!
If you don't have the confidence to do this at least don't move to another apartment & put out any more rent money, deposit ect.
Please don't let this man have any of your bank details!
Keep all your log in details & passwords to EVERYTHING safe!
Like in your head or part of someones contact details.
He seems to be getting worse & you are heading into an even worse abusive relationship. Because that is what it is! Kicking him out is your best option & if you cant do that give notice on your present apartment & rent elsewhere, somewhere cheaper, until u have saved enough to get yourself home or at least far away from him.
Don't be afraid to involve the authorities if he gives you bother.
I wish you well, please follow our advice asap.
My heart goes out to you, STAY STRONG!
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 September 2015):
 Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
By Portia Nelson
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 September 2015):
 KICK him out. Save up and move home.
YOU keep bailing this guy out and digging yourself a deeper and deeper hole. You are UNHAPPY and MISERABLE.
How about you start with something simple... Like telling him NO.
He doesn't CARE what you want. He just wants you to pay and shut up.
You are right his actions doesn't reflect his words.
Think of the $5,000 as a VERY expensive lesson in what NOT to do EVER again. Then say no, to every single thing he wants you to pay for. Save up, get home (or where ever you want to live) and leave this leech behind. He is sucking you dry.
I think you already know what to do, now GROW a set of ovaries and DO IT!
Good luck, you can do it, you know?!
...............................
|
