A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am very sad..I am dating a guy for a year so far, he is from Iraq but we both met in US..after 6 months of being together I saw a pic on facebook of him with a baby..I asked him whos this baby..he said is one of my nephews..anyway I believed what he said and moved forward but then I could see/feel him very secretive with the social media and pics..one of his closest friend (is an iraqui woman) told me one day that what if I know hes married and have a kid in his country..if I would love him..I said I dont know,,why NO, because I dont date married man and second he says from the beginning he is single..I started to be paranoic about it and kept asking him and off course he always said he has a lot of nephews and nieces and is single and so so..well. A week ago one woman contacted me via facebook and told me thats she is his wife, lets say Dana, and mother of his son lets say Duo and also told me that he always talk well about me because I help him in the Americas and I am a very good woman and every body in his family is grateful for that...I was devasted and I show him a copy of this conversation..he denied again..he says is one of his cousins being jealous...I got crazy and waited for him to go to work.. I called his sister husband because is the only phone number I have in Iraq..and he confirmed what she said and even told me how come you dont know this??!!! He says they are separated from long time ago and yes she is a cousin of him, and she got pregnant before they separated..is has been already 5 years since that according to this man..who knows whats the truth..and he does not know this baby, the photo i saw is a photoshop when the baby was born..i feel so used and fool..why he denied it sooo many times..when i told him that i spoke with his sister husband..he started to cry and confessed everything..he just says he didnt want to loose me..i dont know..i feel so betrayed..he betrayed my trust..i dont know what to do..i am soo hopelessss
View related questions:
cousin, facebook, jealous, married man Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2015): I must correct an error. I mentioned six-months, that period was the time you discovered the pics on Facebook. My sincere apology.
However; that was definitely a red-flag, and it obviously alerted you to do your research. In this case, it was not snooping; it was protecting yourself by investigating his marital-status. That is perfectly justified. You discovered what could be so about any man. So you still have to pull yourself together and move on. You grow stronger, and you don't give men the power to destroy your feelings; or make you an emotional-wreck. You're too mature for that. Sometimes a year gets by before you get the dirt; but no relationship comes without risk.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2015): It has only been six months, and your feelings should not be so ingrained and attached to a person you're just beginning to get to know. The purpose of courtship is to learn about the people with whom we are attracted to, and romantically-involved. It is during courtship that secrets are revealed, and we learn their quirks or flaws. When red-flags go up; or deal-breakers arise, we gracefully exit.
He doesn't have a green card, and that is probably the whole motivation behind his connection to you. To find someone who attaches quickly, and the propensity to rush to the alter. You did your homework. Now get a grip!
You are human, and you are entitled to misjudge people without ripping yourself apart about it.
It is always a good practice to reserve your feelings and allow them to grow over extended-time; while allowing people to earn your trust during that time. Being that he is a foreigner, it is very likely he might have a spouse back in his country of origin. In fact, he could be an American, and have a wife hidden somewhere. Stuff happens.
Once you find out, you kick the perp to the curb; and maintain your dignity and self-respect. You cannot let your drama-queen alter-ego hijack your common-sense and composure; and throw your emotions out of control.
You can handle this!
We all have to learn just how much we should punish ourselves for human error. This should not tear your heart out. You really didn't get used. Just duped! You simply didn't know!!! Now you do.
Shake it off, girlfriend. If all this just doesn't settle right with you; send him on his way, and spare yourself the drama. I know of worst cases, and you are one of the luckier people.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 March 2015):
 OH OP you DO know what to do you just don't know how to do it.
so he lies
he cheats
he manipulates
you need to NOT listen to him.
when you came up with your list of what you want in a partner did liar, cheater, manipulator fall anywhere ON THAT LIST
what parts of him meet your criteria?
what parts of him are on your "not acceptable list"
why do you think you are not worth proper treatment?
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 March 2015):
 Take a deep breath. When you next see him... do so ON YOUR TURF.... and tell him that he is a lying cad.... and that you never want to see him again.
IF you do anything else, then YOU will have abetted him in his charade... and will have ALLOWED him to be a lying cad in front of you.....
Good luck..
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2015): You say this woman said: "he always talk well about me because I help him in the Americas and I am a very good woman and every body in his family is grateful for that..."
What "help" have you been giving him" exactly? Whatever it is, it is very weird that his whole family knows about it and is grateful - this sounds like they are VERY desperate to make sure that somebody in America helps them.
I would not even look for any further explanation. I'd cut all contact. You have been fooling yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2015): You are being taken for a fool. I'm sorry to be blunt but the quicker you come to terms with this and cut all contact the better.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 March 2015):
 Yeah, I 'd be curious too to know- and I'd base my answer upon- which help exactly are he and his family talking about.
Have you been giving him money ? regularly ? A free accomodation ? Are we talking about something more tangible and practical ( and diifficult to get , for him ) than just moral support ?....
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 March 2015):
 Well, you know know that he is married, so all you can do is move from there.
Are you going to stay with him?
Or are you going to stay with him and continue to beat yourself up over it?
As for the "photoshopped" picture of him and the baby.. I don't think I'd believe that. If they separated 5 years ago why would he have a "photoshopped" picture of him holding the BABY on his Facebook, it just doesn't add up. NOR does it matter when she got knocked up. HE lied. SEVERAL times.
And as for him CRYING when you caught him with his proverbial pants down.. a little late for fessing up and being honest with you, isn't it? What else is he lying about?
Honestly, I'd walk away, cut the contact 100%. Separated DOESN'T mean divorced. Not in Iraq, nor the US. It means MARRIED but not living together.
This guy is taking FULL on advantage of you and treating you like an imbecile. Have you by chance been helping him financially too? Or just with adjusting in the US?
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 March 2015):
 You *DO* know what to do.
Now that you know the truth, all that matters is that you refuse to let him use you any longer. He tried to lie to you even to the point where his lies were completely ridiculous and flimsy (really?! A photoshopped baby???), and furthermore, if there is any sin that could be considered worse than cheating in my opinion, and believe me, cheating to me is a really nasty vile thing done to a trusting and loving partner, it's directly disavowing a child. I'll tell you why:
We're adults. Sometimes adults do horrible things to each other, and what he did to you by lying about being single, and then lying over and over to try to cover it up *is* a horrible thing. As grown-ups, we're mature enough to recognize that sort of pain, and we handle it in a grown-up manner.
Children are innocent. No matter how a person can justify cheating, to hurt a child and to devalue that child to another person for selfish gain is disgusting and vile. What if years down the road, that poor kid hears how his dad lied and said that he wasn't his just so he could put his penis inside another woman?? This kid, a son or daughter...cherished...hell, even most CHEATERS have a standard about the kid, even if they lie and say their wife is an ex or whatever. You're from the US, right?? With all of the politicians out there who cheat on their spouses like they change socks, you know why John Edwards was completely shunned by everyone, right?? A little of it was because his wife had cancer when he cheated on her, but most of it was because he got the mistress pregnant, and then spent public airtime denying that child over and over again, even coercing his aide to say that he was the father instead. You don't pass THAT off with a "Don't judge me, I'm human!" attitude.
You should take in what this guy did, and if you have any sort of conscience for the wrong he did to his own child, even apart from cheating on his wife and denying her, your feelings for him should go so completely sour and so completely contemptible that tossing him to the curb should feel RIGHT. There should be NO confusion...no wavering feelings, no nostalgia, no questions, and NO FUZZY feelings for this guy. The mere thought of him and the way he used you should cause you to consider him with the icy cold resolve of you considering him forever dead to you.
I mean it. You were with him 6 months. His tears should fall on deaf ears. Every crocodile tear you should consider the REAL tears his son would shed at knowing that his father hated him to the point of denying his existence. What father does that???
I knew a guy who cheated on his wife, calling her his on-again/off-again girlfriend, cheated with multiple women, got their pictures, stole prescription drugs from his family, lied about every aspect of his wife and life EXCEPT he acknowledged his daughter. Trust me, there were plenty of women who wanted to rip this guy's nuts off and wear them around their necks, but even he knew that there are some things more important than a quick shaft or illicit drugs.
Do *not* entertain the notion of "let's be friends" when you break up with him. Who needs friends like this??? There is no friendship with this guy...because he used you, he's not a friend to you, and he never will be. If you stay with him, then you SHARE the sins of being an accomplice to cheating, and you are OKAY with his disavowing his own flesh and blood. Up to this moment, you were a victim of his lies...but if you so much as continue with any sort of association, then you take on the blame. Let that thought clarify you, and if you still are wavering at that point, then close your own eyes and think back to when you were 5 years old...how would you react if you overheard or read in a letter from your mom to some guy saying she didn't have kids and that you were a friend's child or something??
You know what to do. End it. End it final and end it now. Then grieve the end of the 6 months of being used, take comfort in real friends, and then move forward with your life.
...............................
|
