A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HiyaI have been seeing a guy for a few months and all has been going really well, and always tells me how much he likes me and how much fun he has with me. We haven't yet been physical and I want to wait until I am sure of him. We only see each other about once a week. There is a two day event happening this weekend and a group that we are both members of are there all weekend. I am due to go tomorrow with some friends.I have told him that I would love to meet up with him there, but each time I've talked about the event he's been really cagey and not answered my questions. So, I asked him straight out if he was going 5 weeks ago, 3 weeks ago, and last week. Each time he evaded the question. I also haven't heard from him in a week.Today the group posted photos of the event on FB and, guess what, he is in the photos. So he went to the event and didn't bother to tell me or to answer my questions about whether he was going.I am obviously shocked and upset and feel that he has lied to me by his silence. I feel that I have seen a side of his personality that I didn't know about. He has always been the perfect gent and has never flaked on me or, to my knowledge, lied to me. We are due to spend the day together next weekend.What should I do? Should I confront him? Should I ignore him. And, most of all, should I see him next weekend?Your help would be so appreciated. Thank you all. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (20 September 2015):
 Maybe he's ignoring you because he knows it's plastered all over FB. So i guess he's facing the same problem which is finding it hard to be straight with you.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (20 September 2015):
 I would just call him and say hey I saw you on the group Facebook, I guess you decided to go anyways:) Did you enjoy the event?" etc. That way you might find out (without having to bluntly confront him) why he decided to go after all.
If he starts being vague, I'd cut the call short and tell him talk to you later. (easy enough to have an excuse to hang up)
I know it's a little hard not to do - but TRY not to read to much into his actions JUST yet.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2015): Hiya, I am the OP.
Thank you all for your responses.
Next time we see each other (which is hopefully next weekend), I will ask him, very gently, why he didn't tell me about Saturday. And I will give him some slack. I like him very much and would love this to turn into a relationship.
I do agree with you all, that as we are so early on in knowing each other, that I don't have the right to expect him to tell me everything that he does without me. So I won't moan about it to him or tell him that he upset me - that's way too heavy for the early on stage.
My other problem is that I still haven't heard from him. It's been over a week now and that is unusual. The last time I heard from him was an email in which he told me how much he thinks of me when he's not with me, and in which he asked me to spend the day with him next weekend.
So I am baffled by his current silence. Could he be unsure of what to say to me? Should I contact him? Or should I just wait to see if he contacts me?
Thank you all so much.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (20 September 2015):
CindyCares is absolutely 100% spot on.
I think in his mind, he did not answer because he was not sure how to say "yes, I'm going, but honestly this is supposed to be guy time and I'd rather not meet up". He probably had no clue how to word it, it can be a delicate thing to tell someone you like that you don't want to spend time with them on a particular day.
I'd ask him but cut him a little slack.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 September 2015):
 Well, I am not sure we can say it was a lie of omission.
For sure, he has been not polite and not considerate, because if somebody asks you a question, Jeez, just answer already, it's not a military secret !
Then again, perhaps there's a shift, there's a difference in how you two perceive and evaluate the situation between you.
I mean, in practice you are just getting to know each other. You have seen each other once a week since a few months, and this means you have gone out on a handful of dates and spent some nice time together occasionally. No sex, no committment, no romance, no strong feelings yet . Nothing wrong with that of course , but maybe while you feel that you are, or should be, slowly but inevitably building up things toward something "meatier ", he may not see it the same way. I am sure that he tells you the truth when he says he likes you and he has fun with you ( and he would be stupid if he kept going out with you, while finding you unlikeable and boring ! ) but,maybe not to the point of going out with you only, or simply not to the point of wanting to commit firmly his time to you with large advance, and / or to be accountable to you about how he spends his free time and with whom.
In other words, I understand very well that you may feel disapponted and annoyed, but keep in mind that if you decide to " confront " him about his presence at the event on Saturday without you, he may also answer " So what ? I just decided spur of the moment " or, worse , " So ? I do not have to inform you about all of my plans ,activities and social engagements ".
I am not saying he MUST be stringing you along maliciously . Just that maybe , while you see your dates as step one of a process going toward a certain direction, he takes it more casual,more " let's see what happens ".
Now , if let's see what happens is not your thing, and you want more mutual involvement and more security, then you need either to let this one go altogether , or at least to bring up the " what are we " thing and check if you are on the same page concerning mutual expectations and relationship " rules ".
Otherwise, I feel it's pointless to reproach him for wanting to act like a single man - because he IS a single man , going by what you said in your post. IMO, " I like you and you are fun to hang out with " is not the same as " I feel that I am half of a couple and I am going to treat you as the other half ".
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (20 September 2015):
I wouldn't ignore him for the simple fact it enables him to think that he can be shifty and thats ok. Keep it simple when you next see him with a simple " yeah I saw you when to blah blah. Not too sure why you felt couldn't be straight with me when I asked if you were going?" and leave it at that. Just to let him know that you know. It is a bit off putting though I must say.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 September 2015):
I agree with WiseOwlE
He wanted to go alone, he knew ( I presume) that you were going with friends Sunday, so he went Saturday. (knowing that he wouldn't bump into you and he didn't have to be there WITH you either).
I think (personally) that it was VERY VERY obvious that he didn't want to go with you. Because you asked 3 times and he never gave an answer, not even a no, I don't think I'll be going. He didn't LIE, he just avoided the issue. It FEELS like a lie by omissions to you, because he MIGHT as well have lied to you, or... HAVE the balls to tell you... I'm not ready for a couple event at this stage in this forum.
When I first read your post I though OK they are both really young, but.. you are in your 30's both of you? (right?) so the "pretend to be deaf and dumb" so he doesn't HAVE to either be straight with you, or lie to your face, is not very attractive. Had he been 17-20 I might get it and not judge him so harshly... but he is a GROWN man. He should not have beat around the bush like that.
What else will he "ignore" or pull the "deaf and dumb" attitude about?
The question is what do YOU want to do? If you want to confront him - do that. But I would also not be surprised if he pulled a " I didn't plan on going it sort of just happened and I didn't call you because I knew you were going tomorrow"... Making it look all "innocent" on his part.
Should you ignore him? no, that would be petty.
Should you see him next week? Well, again - that is up to you. Maybe call him and mention that you saw him on the FB and was surprised that he didn't tell you he was going as you has asked him 3 times about it. See what he says.
It's a bit flaky on his behalf, but it doesn't really show a pattern. I would still leave sex out of it and go real slow with this one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2015): He "was" being shady. He wanted to go as a single man. In-case he might get lucky. That's a red-flag!
Caginess is not the way to start-out a new romance. Don't overreact. Casually bring it to his attention you asked a few times if he was going, was it a last minute decision? He'll have to give you an answer. Judge him entirely by the feasibility of his response and if he continues to avoid being honest and upfront. You're not officially committed; but you might consider that he isn't looking for anything serious.
If you do continue to date, don't attach your feelings just yet. He's still in a probationary period. If sex isn't coming fast enough for him, and he wants to keep options open while waiting. Kick his sorry butt to the curb. Sweet-talk is for idiots. He'll tell you whatever you want to hear to get you in the sack. I think you've pretty much figured it out. I'd say you're on target.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (19 September 2015):
 In my opinion a relationship, which it sounds like you wish to build, starts with the four musketeers: honesty, trust, love, and respect.
I think you need to let this one go.
If he is really interested he will ask why you aren't available. Then you can tell him in no uncertain terms.
Even then I would be reticent about continuing with this one. It seems to me like he lacks the basics.
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