A
female
age
30-35,
*aybaybay_x
writes:I met this guy a bit less than a month ago and things have been good between us. But something sparked the conversation about what he wants and he said he likes me, i tick all the right boxes but he needs to know that he is 100% okay because his last relationship has scarred him. His ex basically strung him along and proceeded to tell him that she didnt see a future with him. We got our wires crossed and didn't speak for a day because I thought he was just doing the same thing to me by wining and dining me, introducing me to his friends and family (apparently they love me) but then saying he didn't want a relationship right now. However, yesterday, we met up and went for a walk and talk for 4 hours. He clarified and said he felt it was too soon for me to ask him such questions because he hasn't known me that long. He said he makes excuses to see me all the time, calls me all the time and looks forward to our dates because he wants to get to know me and he wants to understand me. He said his brothers and his friends love me. But he does not want to bring his past hurt into something new. He said he can see something happening between us but he'd rather just let it happen and not speak about it because it makes him pull away because he's a coward inside. He has a fear of things like this failing because he put his all into his last relationship and got burned.I was dumped 6 months ago in the same fashion and he knows this. I'm wondering if I attracted this guy because l need to take things slow like he wants to but... I don't know...He said i make him put his guard down and that he was on hiatus until he met me and he has a rule about 'one relationships a year'(he broke up with his ex in april as did I) and he wants to stick to it. That he's careful and slow about who he gets into relationships with. He said when hes around me he thinks about being in a relationship which scares him. He's always very sweet and funny and opens up to me quite a bit. We have a lot in common.Part of me doesn't mind taking things slow and seeing where it leads because we havent know each other long, but part of me is scared that I'm wasting my time... Any advice...?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 September 2015):
 Broken hearted anon male, I think you are missing an important point . And if you bear with me, maybe you'll see how the suggestion to " grow a pair " may sound too harsh- but it's only harsh because logic can be very harsh at times . Facts are harsh, often.
So: let's start with an aside , i.e. that personally I do not believe much in people not wanting a relationship " becase they have been hurt in the past ". To me it's just a sophisticated variation of " I am not that into you ": Why ? Because I have seen, countless times, and at times with utter amazement ,how a strong attraction ( I am not even talking about deep love which can't be there yet at the beginning, just about a strong enough attraction ) makes people fearless, daunting, even reckless. If they want something badly enough, they'll go for it even with the highest odds of getting hurt later on. If they do not want it that badly,... then they will let prudence prevail .
But, let's wave this aside ,we do not have to take it into any account. Plus, I am more than willing to admit that there are exceptions ,like in every situation, and there are broken hearted guys , like you and maybe the OP's bf, who are made super wary by their bad past experience and before getting into a relationship they need to know that all the t have been crossed and all the i dotted.
Harsh fact : it's THEIR broken heart so it's THEIR problem. It's very cheeky for anybody to expect that all the world should sit there and wait an indefinite amount of time for them to solve their trusts issues .
I understand perfectly not feeling ready for a relationship. Then do not date, - stay away from women , or stick to a good positive platonic friendship.
Don't do coupley , romantic-sy, dateish things, for then to say : oh no, I am not supposed to have a relationship until next year or oh no, first I have to be 100% sure she is never going to leave me hurt me or disappoint me.
First, you cannot EVER have that security, there's people who divorces after 40 years of marriage!
Second, it's a bit exploitative , albeit involuntarily I guess, and hypocritical, to keep yourself,basically ,emotionally unavailable and closed off, and eskewing committment, WHILE you are having and enjoying the " GF " experience anyway. Maybe not intercourse, ... but, I guess, plenty of kissing and other exciting intimate contact - and the security you have someone to talk to when YOU need it, or to spend with when YOU are bored,...without the bother, though, to have to commit big regular chunks of time to one girl, or to get involved in her life , family, friendships , or to choose sexual monogamy, or to be accountable to this woman for things you say or do or omit doing.
These "wary " guys are , basically, like people picking all the raisins, nuts, candied peel, all the good stuff from a fruit cake- and then leaving the hallowed slice of cake in their plate saying " Oh no, I can't have sweets, I am on a diet ! " :) .
There will be at the beginning an inevitable, physiological, superficial, uninvolved dating stage- but then , you can't keep it going forever while you decide if your heart has healed well or not just yet.
It's , pardon me, "shit or get off the pot ".
Again , it's YOUR heart which was broken and its YOUR relationship issues. It's presumptuous to expect as the most natural thing that the other party stays forever in an " untitled gf " limbo, WHILE you benefit from things pertaining to official coupledom, until you'll have worked out the formula for totally riskless dating !
You may object that nobody is forcing these girls to be patiently waiting for an undisclosed length of time until the " wary " guy has given them their seal of approval. Right you are- but this only means to me that often the girls should grow a pair too. And refuse sternly to accept long-lasting " untitled " situations where they keep offering the raisins and nuts , while the guy takes his time figuring out if he wants the doughy part too or not.
Back to our OP- who, if she reads, will already know my opinion, i.e.... it's basically bullshit. I don't meann to jinx you, in fact I HOPE that , come April, you get your " title " and you PM me " See you blockhead ? Nyah nyah nyah ". But honestly I would not be too terribly surprised if you decide to hang in there ....and eventually he announces : my broken heart is healed, now I am ready for a relationship... with this other girl .
We may adopt Hineypie's more optimistic interpretation, which has its merits too, i.e. really wants to be in a relationship, he can't wait in a way, but he is restraining himself, he's pitting on the brakes for fear of being hut. In this case, I can't but to add my voice to that of those who said, with much dismay of our young male anon : He needs to grow a pair !
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (20 September 2015):
 Male anon - Of course men have feelings. Every great love song I've ever heard sung by a man confirms that they have feelings every bit as deep as a woman's.
And I understand how you felt, and it underscores what I've said - in that we ALL have this story to tell from our past, which is the time we've all been hurt.
You say that you just met a girl, right?? OF course your past affects how you see things. However, my "grow a pair" comment would apply to you IF you penalized this current girl or you controlled or manipulated or reacted to her because of the sins of your ex, like the OP's love interest is doing now.
Taking time away from relationships when hurt is a smart idea. Being cautious is also a smart idea. Refusing to commit, yet not leaving a girl alone is a "grow a pair" moment, because the current love interest is not and has never had anything to do with an ex.
How would you feel if a woman whose ex cheated on her started snooping through and accusing a new guy of cheating? What if she isolated him from social media, started a massive dramatic fight over his keeping friends she saw as questionable, and she demanded constant reassurances of his love, mostly by what and who he was willing to give up for her??
Every last person would be telling the guy to get away from this jealous control freak, right? That's an extreme case scenario, but one I've seen on here more than once. That's exactly why I am adamant in saying that no matter what's happened in the past, you never allow someone to make you change your behavior or compensate for the actions of an ex. And to those who had an ex that hurt you, you must understand that a new person is NOT your ex, so putting your baggage on him or her as pressure is not only categorically controlling and unfair, it will eventually shatter the relationship, which wasn't made to handle the baggage pressure.
Finally, I take such issue in people who pursue other people having not gotten over the pain of their last relationship, because it means they've not gotten over THEM, and therefore shouldn't be pursuing anyone. It also means that as "cautious" or "cowardly" as they claim to be, the overwhelming majority will cause the same pain to their current relationship if the ex came into the picture, offering complete contrition and repentance, declaring that the one they dumped was the one they have always loved, and that they were a foo to ever let them go. Then, "baggage partner", who wasn't over the pain and over the ex, dumps the current partner, the OP who was trying to be so understanding and nurturing, and goes back with the ex. They were never over the ex.
I've seen THAT play out more and more on here too. IT ultimately shakes out that the new girl gets the cruelty treatment as their guy goes skipping back to their ex, their ego salved and vindicated. Or worse, the baggage guy CHEATS on their new girl with the ex, because they indulged the baggage.
That's why I'm so hard on here. Anon, the woman who did you wrong...if she started actively pursuing you, apologizing and declaring that she didn't appreciate what she had until she lost you, and started treating you like a king, you wouldn't want to go back? You'd *say* no to your current partner, but you'd do it. Your ex declaring she should never have replaced you is an intoxicating thing.
That's why I tell this OP not to change behavior for a guy who can't get over their ex. I don't take kindly or compassionately to game players, and it is NOT romantic to make a current love interest jump through hoops because of a past relationship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 September 2015):
 I think it's a good thing you are both celibate while trying to figure out if it can lead to something more.
I think the answer to why is he pursuing you if he is fearing to get hurt - is he WANTS to overcome the fear. Something IN you (in his interactions with you) makes him want to give it a go.
I do agree that the one date a year is a pointless rule. And if he really believes that... he should have backed off when he first met you, right? So I think it's one of those rules people will make for themselves to try and have some sort of control, even if... it's not real control. He thinks if he only tries to date one woman in a year he won't get hurt more than once (if it doesn't work out)- but it also means that he could have missed out on meeting you. (if he stuck to that rule).
OP - we can't always plan that the next relationship should be serious (because we want it to) but I think by actually taking time to get to know the other person, it can surely help in determining if the other person is someone with whom you can see yourself long term and seriously.
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And to anon male, this isn't about men not being able to have feelings or fears. Everyone has those.
It's about the OP deciding how long she is willing to "wait" for him to make up his mind about her.
And I certainly don't think people would advice a guy any differently. And in the future ANON - try and answer the OP without having to criticize other posters. If you have experience in the topic - then use that to give your advice.
There is no "right or wrong" answers - there are some that an OP can use and some they can't. That is for the OP to take away, not you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2015): You asked why do people still pursue if they fear risk? The fear is committing before you're entirely ready. To decide to be exclusive and the other person may just be going along, but not as committed as you are. So allowing yourself and that person more time, also allows many things to happen.
You get to know more about them. You get to see them through many phases of emotion. You see how they handle their anger.
You learn their quirks and idiosyncrasies. You know more about their origins and their past; while you are building trust over time. He may use the word "scared" or "fear." The real word is caution or deliberation. The risk is offering too much too soon. Now do you understand?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2015): I can really relate to his situation, my ex-girlfriend led me on, lied to me, broke up and replaced me within a few weeks etc and it took me a long time to get over it. I met a girl recently and i really like her but because of all this, i feel really insecure, actually i feel that she is too good for me and would inevitably break up with me one day. so i feel scared of falling in love and starting a relationship, even though its what i want more than anything.If she doesn't write to me for a day i think "well its obvious she is not interested anymore" and i feel awful, for absolutely no reason of course.so i wonder if he could be not ready as he doesn't feel secure enough in himself, so i'd suggest just taking things slowly and trying to boost his confidence. I think it is good he has been honest with you. I know men who have gone into relationships knowing full well they were not ready and couldn't really give everything they had but were happy to mislead the girl in return for sex basically. he isn't doing that, so i think you can believe him.I think the other answers are not going to work well as they seem to be not really accepting that a man can suffer these things from a break up. it hurts just as much when a mans heart is broken and its not as simple as just "growing a pair". it can create long term issues which need time and understanding. I also think the other generalizations about his character are unfair and the suggestion that he has lied and is hiding a much darker tale of events is a disgrace. If this was a post about a woman and her heart had been broken and as a result didn't want anything so fast, but the man did. all the comments would be like "you go girl, men think they can just take whatever they want! tell him he has to wait and if he cannot, he doesn't deserve you" etc. So it's no surprise to me that the only answer i think is not awful is from another man.
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A
female
reader, Kaybaybay_x +, writes (20 September 2015):
Kaybaybay_x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo be very honest, Youwish.
This is the first time we spoke about this stuff. The times we've been seeing each other have been fine. He doesn't seem to want any reassurance or even feel sorry for himself. If he never told me, I'd have just thought he was dating and took a real interest in me. I've never had to make any promises... The best way I could describe him was laidback but intrigued by me as a person.
Now, your other concerns is why I'm asking this question. I'm not sure what it sounds like... On one hand he seems interested but on the other, he just HAS to fight the feeling because of this rule& his baggage.
And the whole ex thing the way he put it sounds like he did not want to admit to himself that she was just not that into him, he fell for her and went full speed ahead &crashed when she told him that she didn't see it...
This happened to me but I'm over it. However, everybody is different.
I once took a 4 year hiatus because I didn't want a 2nd sexual partner and I wanted my next relationship to be another long term serious one. He going to have learn on his own that you dont plan these things &I believe that its the pain talking. He thinks he'll spare himself by giving it a year. Not realising that he can defo get hurt in 1 year or 20 lol.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 September 2015):
I also agree with Honeypie - NO SEX until the baggage has been dealt with.
Also, and I can't stress this enough:
Never EVER EVER compensate or change your behavior based on what an ex did. You do not have to pay penance, make up for, constantly reassure, or indulge trust issues that a partner has. You are you, and his baggage is HIS to work out, not yours. Don't let him make it yours, or your relationship will start out anemic, stunted, and unhealthy.
Do *NOT* become his caretaker or impromptu therapist. If he tries all sorts of "loyalty tests" on you to make you prove your feelings towards him, you need to run. Don't become his "white knight" that heals his hurts and all that rot. Relationships are give and take, 50/50.
You also are only getting his side of the story!
Truly, if his idea of "getting burned" was simply a girl telling him she didn't see a future, then he's a wuss! ALL of us have had that happen to us, and all of us understand that that is a risk that happens when with others.
This guy wasn't cheated on (that you mentioned), nor did she steal money, physically abuse him, verbally abuse him (that you mentioned), or get him fired, or try to control him, or cyberstalk him. He didn't get her pregnant, nor did she give him an STI (that we know of!), so if he's acting all whacked out over simply being dumped, then he needs to grow a pair.
Do not have sex with him. If he's not ready for a relationship, then he shouldn't be with you, and if he's all baggaged simply because he took a shot to the ego and got dumped, then he's not mature enough for sex.
And the "one relationship per year"?? What?! That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard of! She broke up with him! She didn't die!
The reason I'm being so hard on the guy is simple: Do you know how many times guys with bad intentions play the eternal victim card?? He could be setting you up for something not good at all. His antics are a RED FLAG, to be honest. If I were seeing a guy who was saying the things you are telling us, I'd end things and not take it to any sort of next level. This is no romantic comedy! This is real life, and the guy I would want for a partner wouldn't be so emotionally needy, and would be there for me as much as I would be for him.
He also sounds flaky. What happens if something actually tough happened in his life, like a parent getting sick, or you getting sick, or a life change like a job loss or a catastrophe (earthquake, car accident, or tornado)? Would he go crawl into a hole, or would he grow a spine and work with you as a team?
No sex, and I'd tell him that while you understand things being too soon from a relationship, you're not playing games. You're willing to take things slow, but you're not going to compensate for his past, and that's non-negotiable. Don't make any promises of "Oh, I'll never did what SHE did to you" because you don't know the whole story there.
If you've seen the movie, "What's love got to do with it", a fictionalized telling of Tina Turner's story, Ike tells her about his past relationship, where she left him and didn't believe in him anymore, breaking his heart and all that. She, of course, overcome with love for him, swears she would never ever do that to him.
Well, what he failed to tell her was that he cheated on this past woman, beat the crap out of other women, had kids by other women, and then proceeded to make Tina a prisoner to her own vow for years by cheating on her and beating her as well. You don't know the whole story except what he told you, and that is always one-sided. Most women don't just heartlessly eject a loving and caring boyfriend, and most guys don't make stupid rules regarding relationships.
Finally, you DO realize that to find common ground in you getting previously dumped and him getting previously dumped is a really flimsy foundation for a relationship. Everyone has a story like that to tell! Get to know him without the "Tragic romantic victim past" glasses, and you'll see things that you're blind to now.
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A
female
reader, Kaybaybay_x +, writes (20 September 2015):
Kaybaybay_x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso do you have any tips on how to play it safe exactly or how you went about it?
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A
female
reader, Kaybaybay_x +, writes (20 September 2015):
Kaybaybay_x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAwww. That's so sweet WiseOwl...
I would like to see where it goes. We suit each other well&we are celibate so I can definately wait. I don't do sex without titles so its not hard lol. I like him a lot but he seems like he has things to get through.
You know what I don't get though...
Why do people say they are scared but pursue you anyway? Isn't that still a risk?
I did something similar years ago and strictly just did not speak to any guys. I was celibate for a good 4 years during this time too. However, what i learned is that you cannot predict what the other person will do. There will always be a risk.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2015): I agree with Honeypie. Keep sex out of it, but do allow romance to blossom. I think you are both still in a period of recovery, and taking it slow is a great idea.
When I first met my boyfriend, he told me about a string of bad relationships that ended due to cheating. He is a very handsome, athletic, and financially secure gay man. He is definitely eye-candy, but a lot more. Many hot guys went for the money and the good-looks. Then decided to play the field. It broke his heart; because he puts his heart into it. I got dumped over year before we met; so I was more than happy to take it at a snail's pace. More than nine months in, I wouldn't say "I love you" when we ended calls. I was crazy about him, but I needed to be sure he isn't the kind that falls fast; then shifts gears, and takes a quick left turn. Like the last guy, just in it for the fun.
I also wanted be sure he was over all of his trauma from the cheating; and hopefully his heart has mended enough that I wasn't some stable and secure rebound that made him feel safe. I played my cards close to my chest, but made sure he got back everything he offered me emotionally. I now realized how gentle and sweet he is under his ruff and rugged exterior. He plays tough pretty well, but he's all marshmallow inside. I really care for this man; so taking it slow was a wise decision on both parts.
It's good to be on the same page. To reach that point of fondness and affection that you want to be exclusive, and stop worrying about the risk. Ten months in, this guy had stolen my heart 100%! Hook, line, and sinker! The words just flew from my lips one evening; and we both just stood there starring at each other. Here we are now, he's on his laptop working, and I'm writing this to you.
Take your time. If he spends too much time being cautious, he just may not be over that last relationship. Then again; six months out of relationship yourself, just may not make you a safe risk to begin with. You may feel fine because you've found someone to distract you from the breakup trauma; but maybe he's making sure you're not just using him as a pain-killer.
If it's meant to be, nothing will stop it. Put sex on hold for a while. You'll attach too much to it, and somebody as ambivalent as he is might run scared at the last minute.
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A
female
reader, Kaybaybay_x +, writes (19 September 2015):
Kaybaybay_x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, he's celibate&so am I. So there wont be any of that lol
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A
female
reader, Kaybaybay_x +, writes (19 September 2015):
Kaybaybay_x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe hasn't even tried to have sex with me tbh. He's celibate. But thank you for that :)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 September 2015):
I'd say till he AND you are sure about each other - don't have sex.
I don't think it is a waste of time getting to know someone before decided if there is a future or not with that person, a future that includes being intimate.
As you said, it's been less than a month. How LONG are you willing to take to get to know him? If you feel 3-4 months is enough time for YOU to decide, I'd stick to that. BUT still, NO sex. If he after 3-4 months of dating still isn't sure, I might walk away, because I think most people have an inkling if they can see themselves with someone as a couple or not, after 3-4 months.
You are not his ex, he is NOT your ex - so I'd say you both need to find ways to leave the past IN the past a focus on the here and now - then look to the future.
I think for you, that YOU need to set some boundaries for what YOU want. Let's say you want to give him a go - you spend the next 3-4 months dating, then you ask him if he has made up his mind, if he still waffles... he might still waffle after 6 months or 12..... and THAT would be wasting your time.
For the most part though, I'd advice people to stay clear of people who feel so "scarred" that they can't date (but... they still want sex, and the occasions GF/BF experiences). I think avoiding these people is just "easier" because it's NOT about you or what YOU can do to help.. it's about them living in the past or holding on to baggage that you had nothing to do with.
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