A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:About 6 months ago, I discovered a man I was seeing was not all he said he was. He was cheating on me with multiple women and deceived me on a level I never imagined possible. He broke my spirit and my heart. I had never felt so low.With lots of time and support from friends, forums, and therapy - I have gotten better. I don't feel so broken hearted and I do not miss him. I realize how horrible he was to me. I realized that he isn't capable of love and I basically fell out of love with him because of all the pain he caused me and continues to cause for other women. Now, the one thing I am having difficulty doing is forgiving myself. I have only ever had sex with one other man before. He was my second. I used to tell myself I wouldn't give it up to someone who didn't respect me, but here I am today. I had sex and did sexual favors for him that I am entirely ashamed of. I feel humiliated for giving him what he wanted. I just wanted to make him happy because I cared about him but now all I feel is shame for myself. He was pushy and I knew in my head I didn't feel comfortable but I didn't say no. I just wanted to please him. I feel so foolish and my self-worth is at an all time low. Do you have any tips on how I can forgive myself? I received a lot of help here in getting over him and breaking contact, so I figured it was worth a shot in this dilemma as well.Thanks for your time. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2013): I don't agree with the blanket statement advice like "you did nothing wrong so forgive yourself!" Not taking responsibility for your role in the problem will leave you feeling better right up until you repeat the same thing again.
Maybe you made mistakes and maybe you didn't. Some people are really good liars. You can't ever fully protect against them unless you close yourself off and never trust anyone again. So don't beat yourself up over that.
But if you feel like you ignored clear signs that something was fishy with this guy, THAT is what you need to beat yourself up over. And if you did sexual things that you would not really respect yourself for doing with anyone, no matter how much you loved them and how long you were with them? Beat yourself up over that too.
Beating yourself up is a tricky business. You should beat yourself up if you knew better about something and did it anyway. But beating yourself up accomplishes nothing if you made mistakes that really looked like the right choice at the time.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 November 2013):
 YOU did NOTHING wrong.. other than love someone... Just because he's a jerk does not make you a bad person.
Time will help
and telling yourself you did nothing wrong will help...
the problem is you are mad at yourself for things like picking him in the first place (not a bad thing) and trusting him (he didn't give you a reason not to trust him)
YOU acted in good faith based only on what you knew.
ONCE you knew the truth you properly acted on that as well.
YOU DID GOOD!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2013): In time you will get over this !! Time is a great healer. Every one gets hurt whether its a man or woman!! Where you titled as exclusive? If you were what he done to you was inexcusable but if not you should have been more clear in what you wanted from this relationship!Things happen people get fucked over and in time you will forgive yourself !!Determine what you want from your next relationship and what you need from Your future partner in order to feel comfortable.You shouldnt be ashamed of yourself if things had not fell apart the way they did and you were both happily together you would have been proud of yourself in some respect for pushing yourself forPleasing your partner (unless that includes a number of partners threesomes or orgis) which i believe have no place in a loving relationship it only creates problems !!Dont let this man continue to upset you ! You are rid of him now so reap the benefits be happy you got out when you did and not a few more months down the line which could have left you feeling 10x worse then u are now !! Try to be positive and look to the future with a better outlook and a better idea of what you want from your future relationship!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2013): OP you're trying to put a nail in the wall with your fist. You won't get it in and you're only damaging yourself further.
You'll never be able to "forgive" yourself because in order to forgive you have to be guilty of something, but you're guilty of nothing but being a good, selfless partner to a guy you really liked.
You see OP you did nothing that needs forgiveness so you're not going to achieve that.
OP if you were still with him and he turned out to be great would you be ashamed of those sexual favours? No, you wouldn't because you did them out of love. Don't twist those around into a negative just because he turned out to be a bastard, they weren't. You did them with good intentions, you stepped out of your comfort zone which is what good partners do, to do something nice for your partner. In no way are those bad things OP, in no way do you deserve to feel shame for that.
Get rid of the idea that you need to forgive yourself, you're not responsible for the stuff he put you through. You're not guilty of anything but being hard on yourself for reasons which where completely beyond your control.
Time for you to gain some perspective OP and see that while he was an ass you acted exactly the way you should do to a partner and you gave it all you got. Who he turned out to be is not your fault, nor is it even relevant to how you behaved. Most of all it should not be reason to blame yourself.
You got burned, it hurts like hell but guess what you acted as you should both then and when you found out. You must learn to look at this as what it is, a guy who turned out to be an ass. That doesn't make you a fool, in fact it gives you lessons, and you should be more proud of the partner you were than the fact he was a dick.
Op you're still in the stage of figuring things out, don't be afraid to think about these things. But it's time to stop dwelling on the negative. Look all the ways you were good to him, look at all the ways in which you, personally were a good partner. Nothing he can do or has done will take away from the fact you did a lot of good and you're also completely rid of him.
There are a lot of positives here and once you start to see those you'll see there's nothing you need to forgive yourself for, only lessons to be learned so you'll do better in the future.
OP we all get hurt, and most of us end up hurting others too. Don't spend too long beating yourself about anything in life or you miss the whole point of living, which is to be happy and be good to yourself.
Time to start holding your head up and keep moving on. The pain will go away and when it does make sure you put the blame on the person who deserves it and then just stop caring about the whole thing.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 November 2013):
 How do you forgive yourself? But NOT doing it again. BY trusting yourself and knowing that NO IS an option when it comes to sex even IN a relationship.
I agree with Jannie, that you most likely is a people pleaser and you do it at the COST of self & self respect.
ACCEPT that you dated a scuzzball. BUT also ACCEPT that you ENDED it.
Then take a GOOD while before dating again. Learn to say no to people you know and care about (not randomly no, but when you WANT to say no).
My last BF before I met my husband was a lot like yours, except for the sexual demands. He was however a lying cheating piece of crap. It took me a good 2 years of NO dating to feel "strong" enough to trust my own intuitions and feelings.
Time will heal. Just GIVE yourself the time.
And why NOT forgive yourself? Continuing to punish yourself for making a mistake and for not listening to your instincts is not going to change the facts that what happened happened. THE ONLY thing you CAN change is NOT letting it happen again. Specially knowing how it made you feel.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 November 2013):
 I have a feeling that you are someone who will ignore your own needs to satisfy others. You are generally likable by family and friends but you are vulnerable to be taken advantage of by selfish men. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your personality. It's just that you have to be careful of who you meet. You have to be more "selfish" when it comes to relationships. People like you can be hard on themselves. I think you have trouble forgiving yourself because you think that if you do, then you would let men use you again in the future. The first step is to accept yourself, that you are a caring and trusting person. That actually can be a good thing because you need these qualities to love. There is no guarantee that all men will be honest with you. The basic thing you have to do is to make sure that you are in a committed relationship before you get intimate. When you sense warning signs in a man don't ignore your intuition.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 November 2013):
 How do you forgive yourself?
You just do. Decide every day, and get into the habit of doing it daily if that's all it takes.
Also, channel those feelings into something positive. If you're creative, you have an advantage in writing, art, music, crafting, because releasing those feelings is perfect for that.
But otherwise, you just do. Every day until it stops hurting.
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